Should I get a divorce? Reality check needed.

[KBarletta]

 

Is this as messed up as I think it is?

 

Yes, it is.

[whichwayisup]

You're in an abusive marriage and it's only going to get worse. Maybe he has bi polar? Either way it's no excuse for how he's treating you and your little one.

 

He never showed any signs of this behaviour before marriage/living together? If no, then he hid it from you.

 

Start recording his outbursts, just so you have evidence against him. Maybe quietly set up a video camera (hidden in a teddy bear)..

 

Sorry that you're going through this. Continue with counseling to keep your self esteem up and just know that NONE of this is your fault. Your H is unreasonable, has anger issues and needs help. I hope for his sake he gets on meds so at least in the future he can be a healthy father to your daughter. Right now he isn't and no way should you leave your little one alone with him.

[Arabella]

You're in an abusive marriage and it's only going to get worse. Maybe he has bi polar? Either way it's no excuse for how he's treating you and your little one.

 

He never showed any signs of this behaviour before marriage/living together? If no, then he hid it from you.

 

Start recording his outbursts, just so you have evidence against him. Maybe quietly set up a video camera (hidden in a teddy bear)..

 

Sorry that you're going through this. Continue with counseling to keep your self esteem up and just know that NONE of this is your fault. Your H is unreasonable, has anger issues and needs help. I hope for his sake he gets on meds so at least in the future he can be a healthy father to your daughter. Right now he isn't and no way should you leave your little one alone with him.

 

He started losing his temper with me (yelling and namecalling) a few weeks before we got married. I actually returned the ring to him and decided to postpone marriage until we went to counseling. I made a thread about it here, too. I went over it last night... I cried thinking about how hopeful I felt at the time.

 

The thing that gets me the most is the fact that he doesn't see anything he's doing as wrong. He never apologizes and he tells me I'm not entitled to anything from him. We are married! Surely I must have the right to expect certain things from my husband?

 

Is it really wrong to want him to celebrate our anniversary, or Mother's day? He says that he doesn't want to celebrate, so what's the point. What about me?

 

I keep telling him I want to talk about XYZ thing so we can sort it out (for example, chores), and he always refuses. He says my need to talk infringes upon his need NOT to talk, so we're not talking. If I do get him to talk about it, he's unyielding and unfair. Two days ago, he got pissed off and started making nasty remarks because I added "Cooking & kitchen cleaning" to the chore list. Apparently, this is "bull****" and it "doesn't count" because I'm the only one who benefits from it. Nevermind his daughter needs to eat too, but he will never make her proper food. When I was sick, all he fed her was cereal bars and cheese sticks!!

 

I'm so, so sick of this.

[Els]

Oh Arabella. I recall some of your older threads on the topic, and I'm sorry he has refused to accept any treatment for his depression. IMO, that reason alone is sufficient for you to leave and never look back. Sure, people go through hard times and mental illness. But the onus is on THEM to actually seek treatment for it, not to pretend that there's nothing wrong and continue to abuse their partner and infant daughter.

 

If you are really concerned about child custody, I think you should keep a hidden camera in the house to record his interactions with your daughter. If he is yelling at an infant and feeding her cheese sticks (?!), that should be proof that he is harmful to her and has no right to take custody. Sure this isn't terribly ethical, but your daughter's life matters more IMO.

 

I really hope you manage to get this worked out and leave.

[Arabella]

Oh Arabella. I recall some of your older threads on the topic, and I'm sorry he has refused to accept any treatment for his depression. IMO, that reason alone is sufficient for you to leave and never look back. Sure, people go through hard times and mental illness. But the onus is on THEM to actually seek treatment for it, not to pretend that there's nothing wrong and continue to abuse their partner and infant daughter.

 

If you are really concerned about child custody, I think you should keep a hidden camera in the house to record his interactions with your daughter. If he is yelling at an infant and feeding her cheese sticks (?!), that should be proof that he is harmful to her and has no right to take custody. Sure this isn't terribly ethical, but your daughter's life matters more IMO.

 

I really hope you manage to get this worked out and leave.

 

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how realistic the camera thing is. I mean, we're both highly technical IT people. Hiding a camera from a layman is simple, but the second he sees a new device in the network, a new wire, or a power adaptor , he'll be naturally curious. I'd have to resort to professional surveillance gear, and that stuff is extremely expensive.

 

The good news is that yesterday I brought up that our financial difficulties are about to end so we should both put aside some money for our own individual enjoyment. We agreed that 15% of our gross pay would be diverted to separate accounts. He even seemed bothered that this amount would be much larger for me than him, and when asked "why do you feel it's unfair?" he kind of backed down because he couldn't possibly come up with anything to answer.

 

I know exactly what I need to do in order to have a peaceful relationship with him. I need to be willing to do all the house work, take care of the baby, work full time, and expect nothing from him. If I do this, he's usually not upset. Essentially, I need to be willing to be a single parent with a roommate.

 

You know, I know I could be a single parent and be fine. I've never questioned my ability to care for my daughter and my home. What annoys me is that he is right THERE and he is fine with me doing everything. When I ask him to do something, he sometimes goes "What would you do if I wasn't here?". Ugh. How is that relevant? He IS there at that point in time!!

[loveboid]

I like the hidden camera idea. Not only to protect your child and you to show to the court if it comes to that, but also to show your husband his behavior. Sometimes people have to see their own behavior from another perspective to learn how wrong it is.

 

In case he doesn't learn the courts need evidence to mete out justice fairly.

[Arabella]

To top it all off, I just found out my counselor hurt her back and she's taking a short disability leave. She won't be available for 3 weeks I just started seeing her but I really like her and I don't want to go to someone else, so I guess I'm going to be posting a lot in the meantime. I need to get all this stuff off my chest!

 

Heh, you know what's another funny thing? He used to HATE me being on Loveshack because he said it was "brainwashing" me. He hated it even more when I would post on here about us and tell him what people were saying. He said I always twisted everything to make him look like the bad guy. I'd openly show him the posts and ask him to tell me what was inaccurate and I'd post a correction. He never did...

[Yasuandio]

To top it all off, I just found out my counselor hurt her back and she's taking a short disability leave. She won't be available for 3 weeks I just started seeing her but I really like her and I don't want to go to someone else, so I guess I'm going to be posting a lot in the meantime. I need to get all this stuff off my chest!

 

Heh, you know what's another funny thing? He used to HATE me being on Loveshack because he said it was "brainwashing" me. He hated it even more when I would post on here about us and tell him what people were saying. He said I always twisted everything to make him look like the bad guy. I'd openly show him the posts and ask him to tell me what was inaccurate and I'd post a correction. He never did...

 

He knows you are on LS -- therefore, you may just assume he is reading these posts. Right. Everyone is brainwashing you, except him. Like the terminology he uses in front of your daughter is just normal parental bantering.

 

The VAR's run on batteries. You can get cheap devices at Walmart. You can get a Video Pen for $50 bucks at the discount tech stores.

 

You are dealing with a selfish person that doesn't give a crap about anyone, even a little girl. He expects you to do without, and allows you to have what he deems you actually "need." He is sounding more and more like a psychopathic Narcissist. And it sounds to me like you have inverted your way of life and perceptions to his unreasonable expectations and the hostile which is the alternative "if" you don't comply.

 

It doesn't have to be that way. The moment you stand up to a Narcissist - they will back down. You mirror their behavior right back to them. See how the response changed when you stated you wanted separation? Then, suddenly, he is willing to "let you" keep separate account of 15% of income. That, is actually very generous of a Narcissist - you shocked him. But that is not good enough. You have to raise the bar - real high.

 

If you plan on staying with this guy, as it sounds, you best learn everything you can about NOT enabling passive-aggressive behavior, and read-up (see all the U-tubed) on "deciding to stay with a Narcissist." There are instructions a on how to handle them. But it will not be an easy ride. See the Pinned Thread regarding "Critical Readings on Separation and Divorce," there is a link in my signature line for same. The last entry has key links that will lead you to the U-Tube on Staying with a Narcissist.

 

The signs sound very familiar - withholding sex - especially when you ask for it is viewed as a form of control by the Narc. They do not want you to have any intimacy holds on them - and often view a sexual overture as a "trick." (I would urge you to consider where his sexual needs might be getting met -as an alternative).

 

Abandoning behavior, put-downs all begin to wear on your self-esteem and confidence. He might, eventually, just discard you once you are no longer of any use to him.

 

Please read this material over and see if it rings a bell.

 

Your giving, caring, and forgiving personality seems it might be the type that attracts this type of dysfuctional person. Narcs usually cannot be fixed (cause they know everything). But, if you insist on staying, there are some techniques I suggest you look into, fast. I spent 26 years with a person like this - he still views me as his property - and will not co-operate with the Court Orders (and he made the divorce last 4 years, just to control).

 

You must have evidence - or the Narc will try to make you out the crazy person in Court. I suggest you stop finding excuses, and at least have his violent hostile conduct towards the child in tape or VAR.

 

That is my experience-based take. Please watch the U-Tubes provided in Pinned thread. Yas

Edited May 1, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Els]

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how realistic the camera thing is. I mean, we're both highly technical IT people. Hiding a camera from a layman is simple, but the second he sees a new device in the network, a new wire, or a power adaptor , he'll be naturally curious. I'd have to resort to professional surveillance gear, and that stuff is extremely expensive.

 

Surely there is a hidden camera that relies on batteries instead of a power socket (hence no wire/adaptor) and if it doesn't support wireless connectivity then how could he detect it on the network?

 

Edit: A quick glance pulls up http://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Camera-Photo-Hidden-Cameras/zgbs/photo/12909791 , the top options are pretty reasonably-priced and appear to be actually hidden.

Edited May 1, 2015 by Elswyth

[Arabella]

Surely there is a hidden camera that relies on batteries instead of a power socket (hence no wire/adaptor) and if it doesn't support wireless connectivity then how could he detect it on the network?

 

Edit: A quick glance pulls up http://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Camera-Photo-Hidden-Cameras/zgbs/photo/12909791 , the top options are pretty reasonably-priced and appear to be actually hidden.

 

I actually looked at those. Their functionality is extremely limited and nearly useless... pretty consistent with their price

 

However, I could easily replace the camera in the baby's room (which we use for monitoring her) with a better one that allows for recording to my private server. He would never question that.

 

I guess my real question is... how do I know what's a normal level of frustration and what is actually wrong? I feel like my "normal" meter is broken.

 

I mean, what parent doesn't get frustrated at their child sometimes? He's never hurt her but I caught him yelling at her a few times.

[Yasuandio]

I actually looked at those. Their functionality is extremely limited and nearly useless... pretty consistent with their price

 

However, I could easily replace the camera in the baby's room (which we use for monitoring her) with a better one that allows for recording to my private server. He would never question that.

 

I guess my real question is... how do I know what's a normal level of frustration and what is actually wrong? I feel like my "normal" meter is broken.

 

I mean, what parent doesn't get frustrated at their child sometimes? He's never hurt her but I caught him yelling at her a few times.

 

This post demonstrates you a sharp young lady.

 

Google "Spy Store." There are fake baby monitors, clocks, ball point pens, smoke monitors - that have dual purpose (even have husband install them, ha-ha). Everything under the sun is available at very reasonable prices.

 

Look this item up - it is incredible - 50 bucks. Q-SEE Shadow 1 Surveillance Pen (QP1341). The tech supply warehouse discount store (they have everything there, TVs, stereos, the works. Many basic computer stores have a "Spy Department" also. This pen video tape the quality of any HD movie you have ever watched on screen. Unbelievable. It was the cheapest one. This item, a couple Walmart digital VARs, and the baby monitor - you are set up. [Not to mention all the background apps you can put on your cell phone].

 

Regarding your "normal meter," - you do want to have that checked. Why listen to us? Simple. Go see one of the temporary councilors and have them read only this thread - and ask their unbiased opinion. Or, take a copy of this thread to the police, and ask them their opinion. They will tell you that there is a huge problem. I promise you that. Yas

[Arabella]

This post demonstrates you a sharp young lady.

 

Google "Spy Store." There are fake baby monitors, clocks, ball point pens, smoke monitors - that have dual purpose (even have husband install them, ha-ha). Everything under the sun is available at very reasonable prices.

 

Look this item up - it is incredible - 50 bucks. Q-SEE Shadow 1 Surveillance Pen (QP1341). The tech supply warehouse discount store (they have everything there, TVs, stereos, the works. Many basic computer stores have a "Spy Department" also. This pen video tape the quality of any HD movie you have ever watched on screen. Unbelievable. It was the cheapest one. This item, a couple Walmart digital VARs, and the baby monitor - you are set up. [Not to mention all the background apps you can put on your cell phone].

 

Regarding your "normal meter," - you do want to have that checked. Why listen to us? Simple. Go see one of the temporary councilors and have them read only this thread - and ask their unbiased opinion. Or, take a copy of this thread to the police, and ask them their opinion. They will tell you that there is a huge problem. I promise you that. Yas

 

Yep thats the more professional stuff I was talking about. Some of those cameras can get so expensive! Thank you for the great resource though, I have a feeling I will be using it at some point.

 

Not sure how effective an strategy this will be in general, though. It may take days before anything questionable is recorded. His behavior towards me is a constant every day thing, but the events with my daughter are pretty rare.

 

Would keeping a log of what was said and when be helpful at all? Testimonials from my therapist, or his old doctor who was aware of his mental instability? When I was pregnant, I even went to the ER with contractions due to the abuse and told them what happened. I believe they recorded it in their system.

 

I know that at some point (probably soon, when it's financially feasible) we will be splitting, but is it really imperative to have all this proof that he's a horrible person? He always tells me that he would be fine with his daughter if it wasn't for me. I'm always the problem...

[Yasuandio]

Yep thats the more professional stuff I was talking about. Some of those cameras can get so expensive! Thank you for the great resource though, I have a feeling I will be using it at some point.

 

Not sure how effective an strategy this will be in general, though. It may take days before anything questionable is recorded. His behavior towards me is a constant every day thing, but the events with my daughter are pretty rare.

 

Would keeping a log of what was said and when be helpful at all? Testimonials from my therapist, or his old doctor who was aware of his mental instability? When I was pregnant, I even went to the ER with contractions due to the abuse and told them what happened. I believe they recorded it in their system.

 

I know that at some point (probably soon, when it's financially feasible) we will be splitting, but is it really imperative to have all this proof that he's a horrible person? He always tells me that he would be fine with his daughter if it wasn't for me. I'm always the problem...

 

Documentation is critical in these matters, a log is just your word against his, and it is post-hoc at this time (you honest and true log would only start today). After reading this last post about the ER event, actually, it appears a log is more likely to end up on your head if you don't take some action.

 

An outstanding digital VAR at Walmart is less than $35.00. That is the best one. It records on 6 levels for hours upon hours.

 

You have to make a decision to not find excuses with suggestions, and get yourself out of denial. What is a few hundred bucks, even, if it means getting custody of your child, and supervised visits with a hostile, unpredictable ex?

 

Typically, an attorney is hesitant to use your personal psychiatric treatment people or councilor records for evidence - as these people are subject to questioning about every single "OTHER" matter you have discussed with the therapist, as well as any diagnosis they may have come to about "YOUR" condition. This may be a good or bad idea for your case -- but only an attorney can advise you.

 

On the other hand, the records at the ER are of UTMOST IMPORTANCE. If you discussed this matter at the ER, they most surely wrote it down. Go get those records and keep them at a safe location. Say nothing about it.

 

Now that you have revealed this last bit of information, obviously, you have a concerning situation on your hands (to put it mildly).

 

This is a touchy situation. I don't have kids, and do not know the law about this matter. If a shelter or women's center knew what you were contending with, they would advise you to pack your bags and get out of there. That is common sense. If I was in your position at this moment, I would get in an attorney's office, asap.

 

This is WHY you have to do something, LIKE NOW. Or find out what you are supposed to do when you are a witness to your husband's abuse of the child - yelling at this child for no reason sounds abusive - doesn't matter if it is "rare." Domestic abuse is unpredictable, it can escalate, at any given moment. Do you want to risk that?

 

More and more, you might be sounding like the profile of a battered woman, on, at least this thread. The sign I am reading is, a little more comes out in each post, and it is beginning to appear to be a scary situation, at least to me. And a battered woman's perceptions are often confused out of fear of the abusive spouse, as well as the unknown. So, that is not your fault. But try to recognize this fact. Google the "Cycle of Abuse Chart" and/or "Cycle of Mental Abuse Chart." These are well-known instruments. See if anything rings a bell. Then do something. Yas

 

Don't use the home computer. Erase all history of everything.

[Arabella]

Documentation is critical in these matters, a log is just your word against his, and it is post-hoc at this time (you honest and true log would only start today). After reading this last post about the ER event, actually, it appears a log is more likely to end up on your head if you don't take some action.

 

An outstanding digital VAR at Walmart is less than $35.00. That is the best one. It records on 6 levels for hours upon hours.

 

You have to make a decision to not find excuses with suggestions, and get yourself out of denial. What is a few hundred bucks, even, if it means getting custody of your child, and supervised visits with a hostile, unpredictable ex?

 

Typically, an attorney is hesitant to use your personal psychiatric treatment people or councilor records for evidence - as these people are subject to questioning about every single "OTHER" matter you have discussed with the therapist, as well as any diagnosis they may have come to about "YOUR" condition. This may be a good or bad idea for your case -- but only an attorney can advise you.

 

On the other hand, the records at the ER are of UTMOST IMPORTANCE. If you discussed this matter at the ER, they most surely wrote it down. Go get those records and keep them at a safe location. Say nothing about it.

 

Now that you have revealed this last bit of information, obviously, you have a concerning situation on your hands (to put it mildly).

 

This is a touchy situation. I don't have kids, and do not know the law about this matter. If a shelter or women's center knew what you were contending with, they would advise you to pack your bags and get out of there. That is common sense. If I was in your position at this moment, I would get in an attorney's office, asap.

 

This is WHY you have to do something, LIKE NOW. Or find out what you are supposed to do when you are a witness to your husband's abuse of the child - yelling at this child for no reason sounds abusive - doesn't matter if it is "rare." Domestic abuse is unpredictable, it can escalate, at any given moment. Do you want to risk that?

 

More and more, you might be sounding like the profile of a battered woman, on, at least this thread. The sign I am reading is, a little more comes out in each post, and it is beginning to appear to be a scary situation, at least to me. And a battered woman's perceptions are often confused out of fear of the abusive spouse, as well as the unknown. So, that is not your fault. But try to recognize this fact. Google the "Cycle of Abuse Chart" and/or "Cycle of Mental Abuse Chart." These are well-known instruments. See if anything rings a bell. Then do something. Yas

 

Don't use the home computer. Erase all history of everything.

 

Yas,

 

The abuse has been going on for two years pretty much since before we got married... it started right around the time I got pregnant, with namecalling. He apologized for it, understood it was wrong and stopped doing it. I chalked it up to the stress of a new pregnancy and the marriage.

 

It scalated progressively. During my pregnancy, we were in counseling but it did little good and the abuse continued. Three months after my daughter was born (last May), we had a very scary event. He kicked my legs violently and caused me to fall while I was holding my baby. I got scared and a couple days later, I put my daughter in the car and moved out of state. That was the first time he got physical.

 

We got back together after three months (I asked him to move where I was) because I was under the impression that he had started to take his medication. I found out a month after he moved with us that he had been lying all along (which probably explains why I wasn't seeing any difference!). And that's where we are now.

 

He blames me for leaving... he never acknowledged what he did was scary and wrong and I had every reason to take my daughter away. Never apologized. He feels I was at fault and what I did was akin to parental kidnapping.

 

He blames me for everything, really. I'm the reason he's depressed and has anger issues. I'm controlling because I expect things from him, and it's my fault when he starts treating me poorly, because I should've backed down.

 

Things I generally ask for? Hugs, to have dinner together, for him to pick up after himself, for him to share parenting responsibilities, to go out and do things in the weekends. According to him, all these things should come from him and I shouldn't ask. If he doesn't do them, I have no right to expect them. I have no right to be upset and have emotional displays because that's an attempt to "guilt" him and it's wrong.

 

I also have no right to be treated with respect, because according to him I disrespect him all the time (ie by not backing down and trying to stand up for myself). No right to be listened to when I have something to say, or to get an apology after he starts belittling me and insulting me.

 

Oh, and anytime I point out his behavior as abusive and wrong, I get told that I'm the one who's abusive, that he's just trying to stand up for himself, and that I start everything.

 

You can't make this stuff up...

[Bittersweetie]

To top it all off, I just found out my counselor hurt her back and she's taking a short disability leave. She won't be available for 3 weeks I just started seeing her but I really like her and I don't want to go to someone else, so I guess I'm going to be posting a lot in the meantime. I need to get all this stuff off my chest!

 

 

Arabella, I'm sorry you're going through this. A thought, can your counselor do phone sessions? I only bring it up because at one point my counselor broke her ankle and was limited in movement for a few weeks. We ended up doing weekly sessions on the phone...it wasn't as powerful as being there in person, but was still helpful.

[Yasuandio]

Yes, Arabella, the most sissy fighters go for the legs. If you do get knocked off your feet, be prepared for the kick(s), when your down - that is the next cowardly move.

 

You are in a terrible situation. It happened once, it will happen again. There is a great deal of advice herein this thread.

 

You are wasting your breath to discuss these matters of respect and a normal relationship with this personality type. He only cares about himself - it is not going to change. Any issue you raise will automatically be blamed on you, that is the system. Eventually, a woman in this situation starts feeling bad about herself, and can develop low self esteem and low confidence.

 

You are not quite there yet -- you got yourself a good job! You are reaching out! This is great progress.

 

However, is very possible, if you keep pushing the marital issues (which is a complete waste of time, obviously) -- he might explode.

 

In fact, as previously stated, I'm concerned of the "pride factor" that might be hurt once he observes your higher pay rolling in, and your independence growing. I would have an emergency suitcase packed and hidden somewhere. I would also have your papers in order.

 

It goes without saying, you need an attorney. But it is up to you to become pro-active and act on the advice. The therapist cannot actually "tell you" what to do. This is a conclusion you must come to on your own. Just as it is your husband must come to the conclusion he needs his medication. But, I believe "medication" is the least of his problems, actually (that's just my opinion).

 

LS is here for you. Please, take each post, one at a time, and see what you can learn. Yas

[OldLady]

He's a control freak and very self centered. Only you can decide if you want to live the rest of your life this way. My therapist told me that you can love anyone but that doesn't mean you should/can have them in your life. That piece of advice helped me to look at things in a different way.

[whichwayisup]

I actually looked at those. Their functionality is extremely limited and nearly useless... pretty consistent with their price

 

However, I could easily replace the camera in the baby's room (which we use for monitoring her) with a better one that allows for recording to my private server. He would never question that.

 

I guess my real question is... how do I know what's a normal level of frustration and what is actually wrong? I feel like my "normal" meter is broken.

 

I mean, what parent doesn't get frustrated at their child sometimes? He's never hurt her but I caught him yelling at her a few times.

 

Arabella, everything he's done is wrong. His parenting style, the way he expresses his anger, the way he processes things and reacts. The way he treats you and the fact is, sadly you married someone who hid the fact he is an a-hole and an abuser. I don't know of ANYBODY who yells at a baby.

 

I know you love him and he's your husband, you want to give him the benefit of doubt, that you didn't expect to be on the verge of divorce so soon after marrying him. He showed his true colours and this is who he is.

 

I wish you strength so you can divorce him.

[contact1]

OP, divorce is not easy, and it can be hard trying to think how things use to be, how if things can be worked out, they can go back to how they were. That was part of my struggle when deciding to go into a divorce, I kept remembering how things use to be, the good times, times of peace and so forth.

 

It's dangerous being in that mindset, thinking you can go back, because what I learned is, it is very unlikely to go back to how things use to be. You have to see what is happening in the present, and what has to be done to improve it. And if nothing is being done to improve things, it won't change.

 

Raising a child is hard, very hard. I've had my days of being so tired and frustrated in trying to get my son back to sleep. But I would never yell at him, I would always try to make him feel calm and go back to sleep during those middle of the night wake ups. So I can understand how your husband can be so happy and caring for your child at one point, and so worn down in another point. The problem is how he copes with being stressed, it's not good at all and he needs to get help for it.

 

Because the fact is, parenting doesn't get easier, it gets harder. If your husband won't get help for this, than yes, divorce should be a serious consideration. My ex-wife was unwilling to work on the marriage, refusal to go to marriage counseling, and that was the tipping point for me. It wasn't the only issue, but it was in essence the last straw for me. Much luck and support in whatever you decide.

[Akashsingh]

I have been divorced for 3 months now. Prior to that I was separated 2 yrs. I was in the same situation with same behavior as your husband is now. My ex called police on me on a very small fight and we never got back together after that. Let me tell you, life wasn't perfect when I was married, but, it's worse now. Both for me and my ex. I cry all the time missing her and for not appreciating what I had back then. She sees the therapist as well. Let me tell you to go through divorce is one of the worst things in life and it will be worse than what you have now. Just like suicide is a permanent solution to life's temporary problems, divorce is a permanent solution to marriages temporary problems. Look at it that way. When you marry someone you marry for life. Not for 5-10 years. Problems are going to come in life. I suggest that you make sure your physical safety and that of your daughter is not at risk. From then on talk with your husband. In your posts you seem to claim sympathy as an abuse victim. However, you show no compassion for your husbands problems. He is not a stranger to you. It seems you don't love him. If you don't then, for his sake, you should move on quickly, as soon as possible. But remember grass is always green on other side. A new guy will come with a new set of problems. I am a person who has changed 7 jobs and been divorced. One thing I can tell you, it's all the same drama in all the jobs. If you love your husband and want to protect your future with him, advise him to seek help. I know you have asked but he is not listening to you. Perhaps he listens to his parents? Who has influence over him? Talk to that person. Divorce only if you don't love him or everything has been done that could have been done to save the marriage. You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find the next partner. Your husband needs to know what the consequences will be for not changing his behavior. I think he doesn't understand them. I may have repeated myself, but I see a lot of things like my ex in you. As soon as she started earning she didn't want me or need me and she thought everything wrong in our marriage was because of me. I certainly had more blame to take and only your husband can control his behavior. But to me you sound like taking an exit door as an easy short term way out and not everything has been done to save the marriage.

[loveboid]

I remember reading a true life modern slave story once. A man got abducted. He fought, he rebelled. He ran away, scared out of his mind, bolted like a scared rabbit. The slaveowner's friends hunted him down, beat him and brought him back.

 

So he cooperated, did his work, earned his slave master's trust. One day, he calmly walked far, far away to freedom.

 

If you read Elizabeth Smart's abduction it follows the same storyline. She rebelled and got abused more. So she cooperated, earned her captor's trust, and on some pretense about his religion eventually convinced him to take her back to her home state where she knew her family were looking and would find her.

 

I would keep the faith. This man isn't to be trusted. The more you rebel to him the worse his behavior gets. Get your ducks in a row and one day calmly walk out.

[Arabella]

I can't believe some men are actually trying to guilt me into staying with my husband. Even I am not that stupid.

 

Just to be clear, I am an atheist (so I don't really care what religion says), and this is my second marriage. I never experienced any second thoughts or guilt from leaving my first husband, and I had NO issues finding new partners after that. Neither did he, for that matter. Sure, it was rough for a year or two afterwards, but we're actually great friends now! His new fiancee is delightful and his mother still considers me her daughter. In fact, I still attend all family functions, go figure.

 

If you're going to spew that kind of BS, please don't even bother. I wasn't born yesterday.

 

This is not a matter of whether I should leave my husband. I KNOW I should. I just lack the courage because I keep telling myself that he can still get back to being the man he once was.

 

But can he, really? I wish he could. It's just so difficult to abandon the hope that there may still be capable of it.

[Akashsingh]

You are looking for a man to live on your terms and not his own terms. It will never happen.

 

It also seems you have already made up your mind. We can't stop you from doing it, law can't stop you from doing it. Its your choice.

 

We are not trying to guilt induce you into staying but there are other solutions such as, intensive therapy, separation while undergoing therapy etc.

 

How you tackle this is your choice. But one thing is clear to me, you don't love your husband.

 

As I said before, divorce is a permanent solution to marriage's temporary problems. Your problems don't even sound insurmountable although his behavior is unreasonable.

[loveboid]

That man you're hoping for never existed.

 

I can tell you that my father used us kids to continue to hurt our mom after she divorced him. Caused all sorts of problems. It took my mom three months into the marriage to realize she made a mistake. Now we have a lifetime of hurt. My father never changed to his death.

 

I believe all of this bad behavior is taught. It takes a lot of perspective shifting and talking to other men for a man who is bent on vengeance and violence to change. A lot of these men simply don't get that chance and don't change. They get worse. They will drag the strongest women down and their own kids. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You can try to teach him yourself. Say, "That's not how you love a woman, a kid, say this do that. When you do this I like it." Just be prepared, if in his heart he's gone down the wrong path too far he won't be able to learn from a woman anymore, only another man. If he doesn't respect men anymore either, then he's very truly lost.

Edited May 2, 2015 by loveboid

[Arabella]

 

We are not trying to guilt induce you into staying but there are other solutions such as, intensive therapy, separation while undergoing therapy etc.

 

How you tackle this is your choice. But one thing is clear to me, you don't love your husband.

 

As I said before, divorce is a permanent solution to marriage's temporary problems. Your problems don't even sound insurmountable although his behavior is unreasonable.

 

He's got mental issues and rejects medication, therapy etc. When he did agree to going to counseling with me, all he did was lie to the therapist to try to get her sympathy.

 

And you know what? Maybe you're right that I don't love him anymore. I don't know that many women would after everything he's put me and my daughter through.

 

I love the man he used to be, but that man is gone.

 

 

That man you're hoping for never existed.

 

I can tell you that my father used us kids to continue to hurt our mom after she divorced him. Caused all sorts of problems. It took my mom three months into the marriage to realize she made a mistake. Now we have a lifetime of hurt. My father never changed to his death.

 

I believe all of this bad behavior is taught. It takes a lot of perspective shifting and talking to other men for a man who is bent on vengeance and violence to change. A lot of these men simply don't get that chance and don't change. They get worse. They will drag the strongest women down and their own kids. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You can try to teach him yourself. Say, "That's not how you love a woman, a kid, say this do that. When you do this I like it." Just be prepared, if in his heart he's gone down the wrong path too far he won't be able to learn from a woman anymore, only another man. If he doesn't respect men anymore either, then he's very truly lost.

 

Thank you for your input. It's actually helpful to hear how you feel as a grown child of a woman who was in a similar situation.

 

You know, it's interesting because I've tried to show him that his behavior isn't how a husband should behave... but it's pointless. He tells me I'm the one whose expectations aren't normal. In his head, I'm always the problem to everything and he's only "standing up for himself". I don't think he has any respect for women in general. He's told me before that "women aren't women anymore" and that "feminist dribble" is the one to blame for society's issues. Seriously.

 

I am mildly curious what would happen if we tried going to a male counselor.