Is NC the best solution in my situation, when ex starts contact?

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi all,

 

I was debating if I should post in this section of LS or Long distance relationships, since my relationship is a lot different than couples who see each other on a regular basis. But this is more of a question for the NC experts.

 

Basically my ex boyfriend broke up with me due to the distance. I did the normal begging and scheming the first week or so. Then went no contact. I got closure from him when I visited his country a few weeks after where he made it clear it was because of the distance. I'll be moving to his country sometime next year but we thought it would be 2 years from now when we were together..

 

A couple days ago he messaged me asking if I still work at my previous job and if I was home. I'm having a hard time not messaging because I don't want to be completely rude but I realize he could be messaging for any reason that I'm not interested in. (He's use to being friends with his past exes btw but the difference is this was not a mutual BU.)

 

I was very vague in my answers. Just "yes" or "no", one-worded answers. Then I shared that I've learned from the BU, that I didn't appreciate him as much as I should have during the relationship. (I'm not good at giving affirmation to people. I learned this from childhood with

"Tough love" and that actions are more important.) I said "I would have stood with him had he trusted me" etc. I said "at first I never believed I could be friends with you but now I'm thinking clearer." I said "I still need time to heal." He replied by asking if I'm still moving to his country in the future.

 

I see now, I should have been more clear that I don't want to be friends because I still have feelings for him. Two days later (tonight) he messaged me asking about my latest job. I didn't reply for an hour and now he's asleep due to the time difference. (relieved!)

 

Obviously I want to see what his intentions are. But I don't want him to use me to move on, assuage any guilt nor be friends. I do want to move on if he doesn't want to be with me. In the future we'll see if it's meant to be. But for now this hope hurts so much. So far, I plan to ask if he's dating. That would help me lose the hope if he was. I want to gauge his interest. (not sure if this is good.) It would be ridiculous to not at least see what his intentions are right? But I need to notice the signs quickly so I don't feed the hope and it result in hurt when/if he tells me he only wants to be friends. I want to know if he's willing to try again but I think maybe I should say something along these lines.

 

"I'm sorry but I can't be your "friend." I hope you can understand.

I need time alone to heal and move on from this.

I don't deserve to be your scraps.

Please only contact me if you want to try again."

 

What should I do and say??

Thanks for helping.

[Mrlonelyone]

NC isn't a way to get an EX back. It is a way to heal yourself and work on yourself. Where I differ from others here is IF an ex makes a play for reconcillaition you have to decide if you are open to that. The best guide to NC is here and it has a long section on second chances. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated

 

This is the short version of what it said.

 

You need to go NC and act as if you will never hear or see from your EX ever ever again. That means starting to move on. Get over them. Even date other people. If your ex comes to you and says in a clear unambiguous way they want to try again, only then do you try again.

 

It is not an easy rule to follow. You have to be at peace with the idea that they won't want to try again, but it won't matter because you will have built yourself up and be better off than before.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

NC isn't a way to get an EX back. It is a way to heal yourself and work on yourself. Where I differ from others here is IF an ex makes a play for reconcillaition you have to decide if you are open to that. The best guide to NC is here and it has a long section on second chances. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated

 

This is the short version of what it said.

 

You need to go NC and act as if you will never hear or see from your EX ever ever again. That means starting to move on. Get over them. Even date other people. If your ex comes to you and says in a clear unambiguous way they want to try again, only then do you try again.

 

It is not an easy rule to follow. You have to be at peace with the idea that they won't want to try again, but it won't matter because you will have built yourself up and be better off than before.

 

Thanks for your advice.

I've read th guide many times. I just re-read again. So i know what I "should" do. It's a bit conflicting at times. You want to seem you're doing well but you go no contact so that they know you're not okay? Doesn't that seem contradictory? But I understand what NC is meant to do. I felt so much better when I started it. I wish it hadn't been broken now.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks for your advice.

I've read th guide many times. I just re-read again. So i know what I "should" do. It's a bit conflicting at times. You want to seem you're doing well but you go no contact so that they know you're not okay? Doesn't that seem contradictory? But I understand what NC is meant to do. I felt so much better when I started it. I wish it hadn't been broken now.

 

The reason to go NC is to make you start to forget that the EX even existed.

 

You cut all social media ties to the ex. You delete their contact information, any pictures etc (Optionally put them in a .zip or .tar.gz type archive file, on a USB key or DVD or something). The idea is out of sight, out of contact, out of mind.

 

Then you begin to heal and you move on as if they will not ever come back.

 

Then IF they come back you can, with a clear head, decide if you want anything more to do with them. How do they come back? By sending a clear message they want you back, by phone, email, possibly text.

 

 

It is not a trick to manipulate them it is a method to get free from them to regain your power.

 

 

 

My parents broke up for a couple of years. They had no contact other than what it took to parent us kids. One moved to another coast of the USA. After that time period they gave it another try and it has lasted almost 20 years just since that break/break up. I have seen it work.

 

 

What really brings the ex back isn't the NC. It is the history you have with them. They either realize they lost something that is not easy to find when they lost you and beg to come back or it wasn't meant to be.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

All right. I understand. I do want this hope to dissipate. Is sending this last message acceptable?

 

"I'm sorry but I can't be your "friend." I hope you can understand.

I need time alone to heal and move on. I don't deserve to be your scraps. I deserve someone who can love me unconditionally."

[Mrlonelyone]

All right. I understand. I do want this hope to dissipate. Is sending this last message acceptable?

 

"I'm sorry but I can't be your "friend." I hope you can understand.

I need time alone to heal and move on. I don't deserve to be your scraps. I deserve someone who can love me unconditionally."

 

 

Nope, going NC is all about not contacting them. Just cut her off cold like a gangrenous limb.

[DJOkawari]

I really like the idea of sending a final message especially when earlier ypu said you would like to be friends. There is no reason to make a person worry about your health or wellbeing (they might contact you more or contact people around you for info and it can become a huge mess).

 

Your ex should respect that and stop messaging you scraps. I would truncate the message and remove the guilting from it. No friends in scare quotes or talking about what you deserve, just a "Actually I was wrong, I need some space from this situation - I don't think we can be friends" in your own words of course. Maybe even explicitly say: don't contact me. It just makes the whole NC thing so much easier when the other person doesn't try to mess with it.

 

Also, definitely dont say "only contact me if you want me back". If your ex has anything important to say he'll message you anyway.

Edited May 1, 2015 by DJOkawari

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I really like the idea of sending a final message especially when earlier ypu said you would like to be friends. There is no reason to make a person worry about your health or wellbeing (they might contact you more or contact people around you for info and it can become a huge mess).

 

Your ex should respect that and stop messaging you scraps. I would truncate the message and remove the guilting from it. No friends in scare quotes or talking about what you deserve, just a "Actually I was wrong, I need some space from this situation - I don't think we can be friends" in your own words of course. Maybe even explicitly say: don't contact me. It just makes the whole NC thing so much easier when the other person doesn't try to mess with it.

 

Also, definitely dont say "only contact me if you want me back". If your ex has anything important to say he'll message you anyway.

 

 

Exactly what I was thinking. Thanks for your advice. I asked if he was dating and he told me he did after we broke up but not anymore.. It really clarifies things because it means that was one of the reasons he broke up with me other than the distance. (Which he never told me.)

 

I didn't realize mentioning what I deserved was guilting. He's the one who told me things like that when he broke up with me. Hopefully he doesn't take it the wrong way.

 

I think he'll respect my wishes now that I've made it clear. If he has anything else of importance, he can get in touch with me and in the meantime I can move on..

 

I appreciate your advice and for actually reading my story.

[DJOkawari]

I appreciate you reading the advice

 

Yeah I guess maybe guilting was a strong word. I just felt the purpose of it was to get an emotional response from your ex. I'm against that mostly because any emotion created from that is temporary. If acted on, that action isn't sustainable and further if they don't have an emotional response they will get an ego boost and maybe treat you worse in the future. Of course, it's all irrelevant if you never see/hear from them again.

 

I'm sorry your ex said stuff like that to you when he was leaving, he certainly didn't deserve you in that case. I don't know how experienced you are in these situations but the wisdom of moving in is pretty valuable. I recommend everyone try it every once in a while

Edited May 1, 2015 by DJOkawari