Reactions

[Furious]

For the BS's, are you surprised at the way you handled your DDay? any WS's surprised by the reaction of their spouse? I was talking to a friend about this and explaining how I reacted because she was looking for normalcy in reactions( I doubt there is any). Talking about it made me think of how I surprised myself. Everyone thinks they know what they will do, I didn't do any of things I thought I would. Looking back I am happy I didn't stalk the MOW or confront her, or expose them at work. All things I considered but am glad I didn't do.

 

 

My d-day was a result of trusting my gut and the irrefutable evidence provided by the PI I had hired. In a way, I had the time to seriously think about how I wanted to handle myself in the case my gut was right.

 

My nature, the way I live my life is to not act rashly, it has served me well in many ways in regard to the great friendships and family bonds and the success in my business that I hold dear to me. Being trusting does not equate to being stupid. With that said, it was very painful that my trust and love was abused but I'm a realist and deal with things as they are and not as I had hoped it would be.

 

I love life and the beauty of it and I respect truth, even if it hurts. There are no guarantees in life, and everything has an expiration date. I don't believe in Karma, but I believe in where ever you go there you are.

[drifter777]

It must have been hell to keep that bottled up inside for 20 years....awful

I was just a bit confused because it sounded to me like you had reconciled with your WW. ...but you were on here giving me and others sound advice...about how the cheaters minds work and somewhat anti R....

I am divorced now...but still wonder if I could have shouldered it too and forgiven and forgot...because I'm pretty misetable and lonely now...

I know ur here on LS drifter...but are you still with your cheater wife now....

I'm not sure if this is criticism or not. Anyway, I feel qualified to give BH's advice because my wife is a cheater and I know how her mind worked at that time and, from everything I've learned, I think she is typical of most cheating wives.

 

I am completely anti R but I understand that some men will try it and are able to find peace of mind. The thing is I think the men that are able to "successfully" reconcile are exceptions. For most men, given the long odds that a BH will ever be at peace with his wife's cheating, I think divorce is by far the best path for him to recover. Having to see her face every day can be a trigger for the horrible mind movies and/or feeling like he sold out his self-esteem just so he didn't have to start his life over. When a wife cheats I think in most cases that both partners - and the kids - are better off with a divorce.

[Popsicle]

I'm not sure if this is criticism or not. Anyway, I feel qualified to give BH's advice because my wife is a cheater and I know how her mind worked at that time and, from everything I've learned, I think she is typical of most cheating wives.

 

I am completely anti R but I understand that some men will try it and are able to find peace of mind. The thing is I think the men that are able to "successfully" reconcile are exceptions. For most men, given the long odds that a BH will ever be at peace with his wife's cheating, I think divorce is by far the best path for him to recover. Having to see her face every day can be a trigger for the horrible mind movies and/or feeling like he sold out his self-esteem just so he didn't have to start his life over. When a wife cheats I think in most cases that both partners - and the kids - are better off with a divorce.

 

So what are you waiting for then?

[RoseVille]

I am completely anti R but I understand that some men will try it and are able to find peace of mind.

 

I thought I'd read that you reconciled when your wife had an affair?

[petit_souris]

I can't say that I surprised myself, because I never saw it coming, so I didn't have a 'procedure' prepared.

I just cried a lot, became needy, lost productivity at work, started drinking. Bad coping. Then I left and stopped any communication with him, because it hurt too much.

I never did anything against the OW. I don't know who she was, in fact. But even if I knew, I probably wouldn't have taken that route.

[autumnnight]

My gut told me that his story wasn't true. I couldn't let it go internally so I dug and found out the truth.

 

Based on my personality and sensitivity, I would have thought I would just crumble and weep. Instead I let fly every combination of curse word and low blow and hateful venom I had in my apparently unconscious brain.

 

THEN I cried and wept until I puked.

 

Then I asked a million questions.

 

Then I said adios.

 

I should add that I was not a spouse. It was a LTR but we were not married, so I would not presume to think my pain could compare to a marriage.

[understand50]

autumnnight

 

"I should add that I was not a spouse. It was a LTR but we were not married, so I would not presume to think my pain could compare to a marriage."

 

Do not sell yourself short, the pain was real.

97

[Red123]

autumnnight

 

"I should add that I was not a spouse. It was a LTR but we were not married, so I would not presume to think my pain could compare to a marriage."

 

Do not sell yourself short, the pain was real.

97

 

I completely agree. I know a couple who has been together for 20 years unmarried and they are more "married" than another couple I know who have been married for 3 years together for 5. I believe in vows but they don't mean a couple is more than a common law couple IMO. You were hurt the same as a married woman, pain is pain.

[Grapesofwrath]

My ex-H did not cheat, but I had a LTR with a cheater. Caught him, with proof, three times. The first two times, for some inexplicable reason, I gave him another chance. Idiot me. First time we were on a remote island off Borneo. Seriously. I just packed my bags and left. No note, nothing. Just figured out a way to get home, alone. 24 hours of travel later, I broke down at the airport when my Dad picked me up.

 

Second time, I threw him out. He begged for another chance, again, and I relented. Apparently, I'm a sucker for men in tears. He was a famous and successful Hollywood movie producer who was masterful at gaslighting and manipulating.

 

Third time, I left his house. Never looked back. Sent him his things, went no contact, and haven't talked to him since. That was over a year ago.

[Gargoyle]

I had been suspicious of my husband for a while, I was going on a short trip interstate so left a keylogger on the family computer. I checked as soon as I landed and was able to see he had logged into her facebook and I now had her password.

 

Once I was able to access her messages it was laid out in all it's glory, from the very beginning, I was able to see how it had developed. The strange thing is, the very first emotion I felt was vindication. I was so pleased my gut was right!

 

Then came the immediate fury and venom and after that I planned and researched and instituted the 180 to get me through the initial days.

[Red123]

I had been suspicious of my husband for a while, I was going on a short trip interstate so left a keylogger on the family computer. I checked as soon as I landed and was able to see he had logged into her facebook and I now had her password.

 

Once I was able to access her messages it was laid out in all it's glory, from the very beginning, I was able to see how it had developed. The strange thing is, the very first emotion I felt was vindication. I was so pleased my gut was right!

 

Then came the immediate fury and venom and after that I planned and researched and instituted the 180 to get me through the initial days.

 

How did it work out for you? Are you still together? Did the 180 help you get through it? It's crazy how well our instincts work sometimes.

[I4givehim]

I surprised myself by the way I reacted. I was calm, cool and collective. I usually yell over the smallest thing. I was proud of the way I handled myself. Deep down in my heart I thought he was up to no good and when I got a letter in the mail confirming my thoughts was a relief. At times I thought I was going crazy. I asked him questions and he made me feel like I was a paranoid crazy lady.... It is an awful, awful, awful feeling to be betrayed. When I found out everything he did to keep me from knowing about the A, I was gutted. I told him if he had put that much effort into our marriage just think how happy we would have been.

[Red123]

I surprised myself by the way I reacted. I was calm, cool and collective. I usually yell over the smallest thing. I was proud of the way I handled myself. Deep down in my heart I thought he was up to no good and when I got a letter in the mail confirming my thoughts was a relief. At times I thought I was going crazy. I asked him questions and he made me feel like I was a paranoid crazy lady.... It is an awful, awful, awful feeling to be betrayed. When I found out everything he did to keep me from knowing about the A, I was gutted. I told him if he had put that much effort into our marriage just think how happy we would have been.

 

So true. The effort to hide everything must be so draining and that much energy could be so helpful to repairing the M. It's crazy!

[Gargoyle]

How did it work out for you? Are you still together? Did the 180 help you get through it? It's crazy how well our instincts work sometimes.

 

4 years later and we are still together, and I almost all the time I think we are better off now.

 

I planned and plotted and researched. I read everything I could get my hands on and worked out strategies. It was almost like my WH was following a script and I knew what he would say/do before he did it. The 180 worked absolutely for me.

 

He didn't want the marriage to continue at first, it was a classic 'exit affair'. The affair ended as soon as I discovered it, but he still was not sure what he wanted. He went through some pretty intense counselling, both IC and MC. I saw the actions I needed to see, I saw remorse and sorrow. I learned so much about him, even after being married for 23 years.

 

It has taken the 'gloss' off my image of him. I truly learnt he was not the person I thought he was, all I knew was he had feet of clay after all. He made the classic promise that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for everything, he's far from perfect, but I feel he still strives for the promise.

 

And yes, our instincts are there for a reason. All I knew was my gut was screaming out to me something was wrong.

[Gargoyle]

I surprised myself by the way I reacted. I was calm, cool and collective. I usually yell over the smallest thing. I was proud of the way I handled myself. Deep down in my heart I thought he was up to no good and when I got a letter in the mail confirming my thoughts was a relief. At times I thought I was going crazy. I asked him questions and he made me feel like I was a paranoid crazy lady.... It is an awful, awful, awful feeling to be betrayed. When I found out everything he did to keep me from knowing about the A, I was gutted. I told him if he had put that much effort into our marriage just think how happy we would have been.

 

 

I also identify with this. As i wasn't completely blindsided and had done so much research, I was able to be calm and collected. I acted in the complete opposite way he expected me to, which put him on the back foot and unbalanced him even more.

[Hardgrind]

Our D-Day was 14 months ago. Surprisingly I remained calm and took some rational steps before I told WW that I had proof.

 

 

I had suspected for several months, but there was enough gas-lighting going on that I really had begun doubting my sanity. It was a RELIEF when I found the emails that proved the A because it made it clear that I needed to trust my gut, and treat every word out of her mouth as a probable lie. I forwarded several (out of hundreds) to myself as proof. I only read half a dozen because that was enough.

 

 

I went to work and asked a friend to keep an eye on me because it felt unreal. I seemed to be functioning better than I thought I had any right to. I went to the bank, had a new savings and checking account created that only I could access, and moved half of our savings into those accounts.

 

 

Then I confronted my WW because she would likely get an alert from the bank because of the size of the transaction.

[katielee]

I erupted with anger (the first time), right hooked him, and then we went to her house where we told her husband. The next day I told her employer. That night I called her parents. I asked all these folks for help in stopping the affair. Very glad I did this, although I received a call from the cops asking me to knock it off... oh well.

2nd time - I left him for the night. HE did the right things - handed me his phone, made me the administrator, told me he was glad it was all over with and begged me not to divorce him. I called her just to get the scoop (and he lied about a couple things) and then left it at that. I DO REGRET not telling her employer as she is the blanket director of the EAP and he had an appointment that day that he canceled so he could make out with her in the park. She would have been fired. But, actions have consequences.

And before anyone asks - yes, both hubby and I SHOULD Have been fired for what we did as well.

[katielee]

also, second DDay I hired a PI. Who'd a thunk I'd ever do that?! It's quite a story.. I'm afraid when I'm old and senile I'll spout the story to all unsuspecting and horrified relatives.