guest Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 I'm a 29 year old woman. My new boyfriend's (he's 28) best friend is some 21-year-old little ****. She totally pushes me away, ignores me, is not scared to touch him, and generally sends me these: "wtf do you want with him anyway"- looks. I have made a big step and introduced my new boyfriend to my son. So i don't want to lose him under any circumstances - I also love him very much. If only there wasn't his best friend. They phone each other very often, she demands a lot of attention, make each other presents and he jumps when she whistles. I tried to talk to him about this problem, and he just claimed that i was overreacting. They've known each other for 1 year now, and apparently they wanted to go out together (in that way) but didn't happen cause his mom died. Should i kick the girl's butt, wait, talk more or go madly jealous? Link to post Share on other sites
followingthru Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 kicking her butt will make him dump you and come to her rescue. just try to explain to him that you trust him, that you don't think that she is a bad person, but that he means a lot to you and that you can't help feeling insecure. other than that, try not to let her get to you. maybe you should even try to get to know her. if she starts to like you, then she would feel way too guilty to try anything with him, and might even like that he has you, since she probably doesn't really want to be with him as more than a friend, but wants to know that she can. i have mostly guy friends. i get along better with guys than girls b/c i have always tried to shake off the stereotypes forced upon women, so i don't like to be around people who embrace those stereotypes any more than i have to. when one of my good guy friends gets a girlfriend, it always makes me uncomfortable b/c i assume that she feels the same way about me as you feel about your bf's friend. so i tend to ignore her so that i don't have to deal with it. of course, i tend to do that by not hanging out with him while he is hanging out with her. anyway, if you and your bf are really good together, everything will work out eventually. think about what things he and this girl have in common. are you interested in those things too? if you and your bf have a lot of common interests, then you should be able to take care of the problem just by being yourself and letting the relationship grow. eventually he may not have time for the other girl at all. Or they will continue to be good friends, but as she gets older, their friendship will mature and involve less of the inappropriate touching. at any rate, she will at least have to start being nice to you. maybe you could help her find a bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Firesqueak Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 I have been in the position of that little 20 something girl, and it really really sucks to have your best friend yoinked away by someone who is insecure. However, in your defense, it sounds like he is not respecting your feelings regarding this girl. If she makes you uncomfortable, or is rude, or unkind to you, then he should take your side, not hers. It sounds like she has feelings for him, and does not want to share him. If it were truley platonic, she would not mind "sharing" him. I know I didn't mind to share my best friend- I wanted him to be happy. However, his girlfriend was uncomfortable around me, and was often rude. He chose her over me, as I expected. After all, friends, though important, take a back seat to a significant other with whom you share your body and love. It ended terribly for him, but I knew that I would always be the one to help pick up his pieces through all of the sh*t. Maybe she has just seen him hurt so many times that she thinks you are temporary. Let her know, nicely of course, that you don't plan on leaving him any time soon, and that you would like to be her friend, just as he is. It soundsl like you may want to watch your back. If he ends up taking her side too much, it is also a possibility that he has recriprocal feelings for her. You do not want to be in that situation, and if it starts looking that way, I suggest you leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by Firesqueak He chose her over me, as I expected... After all, friends, though important, take a back seat to a significant other with whom you share your body and love. It ended terribly for him, but I knew that I would always be the one to help pick up his pieces through all of the sh*t. If he ends up taking her side too much, it is also a possibility that he has recriprocal feelings for her. You do not want to be in that situation, and if it starts looking that way, I suggest you leave him. Good perspective, firesqueak. Just to complete the picture, I've been in the position of your boyfriend. My pipsqueak friend, although not my only best friend (the others are all male) was the only one to pick up on Juliet's problems - everyone else was crazy about her. I brushed pipsqueak's reservations aside. And paid the consequences. That said, your situation does sound like she is in competition with you, rather than playing the concerned friend. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 She totally pushes me away, ignores me, is not scared to touch him, and generally sends me these: "wtf do you want with him anyway"- looks. They phone each other very often, she demands a lot of attention, make each other presents and he jumps when she whistles. This isn't friendship. This is two people who have unresolved emotional issues, and who call what they have "friends" so they won't have to go through the hassle of actually having a relationship. You'll have to be very firm in this situation, and force him into making a choice. Either he chooses you and severs this "friendship" he has with this girl, or he chooses her and works on resolving whatever issues they have between them. They've known each other for 1 year now, and apparently they wanted to go out together (in that way) but didn't happen cause his mom died. There's something wrong with this. I can't put my finger on it, but it sounds bogus. There's something he isn't telling you, or is glossing over about the real reason they aren't together right now. Link to post Share on other sites
karenina21 Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 She's obviously into him, he's obviously lying about their "friend" status, and you will end up kicking her butt AND not being with him...whether you are the dumper or the dumpee! So...do yourself a favor and rip it off quick, like a band-aid...DUMP HIM! Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 I don't want to dump him nor stress him nor act like a jealous teenager (too late for that, lol!). Fact is, for her, i am in the way, it will explode one day or another. I just hope my boyfriend will stand by my side when this happens. After all, we've known each other for a long time now but lost contact over the last ten years. I think the one proposition that i should have a talk with her and maybe find her a boyfriend as well would be a good idea - trouble is, if we can't get on, i don't even wanna talk to her. I am not complicated at all when it comes to other women - had this kind of relationship before (though less strong) with my ex-husband, one of his friends was a woman as well. Only she liked me and i liked her. But this one is a tough one. I can't compeat physically with a 21 year old. And certainly not after i've had my child. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by guest I can't compeat physically with a 21 year old. And certainly not after i've had my child. Cheers! You don't have to. He's with you, not her. Says something about his choices and priorities. I'd say from my own experience he is more likely to side with you than with her. Be wise in confronting him about her behaviour - pick specific instances rather than making a general rant. And make sure you pick flagrant instances to give him something to get his teeth into. Then let him deal with his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 This is all BullCr#@ ! Dont justify what he is doing to you. Dont justify how she is treating you. They are both still involved ! YOU and only YOU are going to get hurt ! Now choose your future.....this bullcr#$ or a new future with someone else . Link to post Share on other sites
Squooshie Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 I started dating a man who I was friends with for more than a year. He was with me through some very hard times and I finally realized that I loved him more than "just friends". We are very happy together and I love him very much. He is the best relationship I have ever had.... Now what I hope won’t be the dilemma: His "Best Friend" is moving back to town at the end of May. I’m not sure how long they have been friends, but she used to date one of his buddies. He tells me about all the fun times they used to have...walking in sprinklers, partying, etc. I saw some of the emails she has sent to him as he checked his email on my computer while I was sitting on his lap. He let me read many of his emails. One email from his best friend was how much she loves him, misses him, needs him and can't wait to see him. There was other correspondence to her (prior to our beginning a relationship) with him saying things to her like I love you, I don't know why. Many a message had the words I love you, miss you, etc. She has many nicknames for him and him for her. They lived together for a short while after she broke up with his friend. They spent a great deal of time together. She is a bit extravagant in her ways and views on life...I don't know what to expect. I'm also not sure how much time she will want from my boyfriend...if she wants things the way they used to be between the two of them. I am very confused about the whole thing and, obviously, am having some anxiety about her coming back to town. I also have children and don't want to see them hurt in any way. I have also been in bad situations with relationships where people were "just friends". Those turned out very badly, so I am emotionally biased toward the situation from the beginning. I have tried to keep an open mind about the whole thing. I guess soon I'll see what happens when she returns. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 There is a few good signs here : He openly reads the emails in front of you. They have not been together , they have broken up at some time in the past, whether they were bf/gf or just very close friends. The * I love You is * from the past. The future dilema is : you have to see how this pans out. If he goes out with her and you are included GOOD. If he is secretive and goes out with her behind your back NOT GOOD. IF he has not interest in her but she is chasing him again NOT SO GOOD for you. You cant make her disappear. She is a reality now. How you deal with that , will ultimately decide your fate Link to post Share on other sites
chubachoop Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 I dont say I love you to any of my friends especially not male ones. Nor do i make them presents or be at there beckon call and give them all the attention they demand. If your boyfriend was this close to a male buddy Im sure you would question the amount of time he spends with him, ask if hes gay or something but cause its a girl you dont wanna come accross as jealous. Something dodgy is going on here, dont take any of this bull****. His friends should be nice to you an you should be the only woman in his life (in that way) he should be making you presents, calling you all the time, not her!! Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 when u feel insecure, there is usually a reason to feel that way. i would tell him that i dont feel very secure with him and leave...and then see where it goes. be prepared for the worst though. Link to post Share on other sites
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