Ex wife and child conspiracy theory! !

[Holly1988]

Hi All,

 

I'm new to this forum but needed some serious advice before I end up being driven mad.

 

I am a 'lucky' other woman. I fell in love with a MM and dad of 3 and he felt the same way as me so left his wife and family home 8 months ago.

 

Somebody spotted us together and when questioned by his ex, my bf admitted everything. Of course things totally blew up but in a way neither of us expected...

 

His ex went totally crazy. Pretending she had an abnormal smear test, buying a new sim card and pretending to be my ex bf (which was quickly sussed), calling my work place, pretending she had been attacked..The list goes on. Anywa, after she shacked up with another man, we thought all would be ok....

 

His daughter was stalking my Facebook page and totally misread a post that I posted on my dad's Facebook. Next thing I know, my bfs getting calls saying he was cheating on her for years (not true). Anyway, to cut a long story short, my bf received a call to say that the daughter has been self harming because of what I posted.

 

I'm getting the blame for all of this. My bfs first priority is obviously his daughter but him and his ex now have the agreement that whenever the daughter wants him, he will come over.

 

No cuts or proof has been seen. The daughter hasn't ever shown any signs of depression and he's been told not to even mention anything around her.

 

So many lies have been said in the past that have caused me to not believe this or think it's just an attention seeking thing in order to stop him being with me. Pretty selfish I know but it's horrible being so alone all the time. I also don't really want to start resenting my soon to be step daughter.

 

Any advise or stories of similar experiences would be much appreciated.

 

Thank you so much,

 

Holly x

[eye of the storm]

What does your BF say about all this? Can you talk to him about your feelings regarding this?

 

I would personally recommend you lock down your social media.

 

Also, your BF and his kids may need to go to family counseling so a therapist is able to help him and them get thru this.

 

Your BF is choosing his daughter as a priority, as he should. But the fact that he is leaving you alone all the time makes me wonder if him leaving his wife is a permanent state.

[Holly1988]

Thanks for your response.

 

My Facebook has been deactivated now and everything else has been really locked down.

 

The problem is, is that whenever they talk about serious stuff I.e. Mediation she screams at him. Everything is going through a solicitor now due to this.

 

In regards to the alone thing...I am not allowed to meet his kids until the divorce has been finalised hence the leaving me on my own bit. Maybe it's just something I have to accept and learn to deal with better...

[eye of the storm]

Well, he only left home 8 months ago. The kids are going thru a lot. Time and understanding. And if it is at all possible, he and his kids need to see someone so they can learn how to deal with everything that is going on. And that includes dealing with their mother.

 

He is eventually going to have to learn how to enforce boundaries.

 

I do feel bad for the kids. They are being used as pawns and the mother and father both are jumping from relationship to relationship. That really isn't healthy for the kids.

 

Good luck. I hope the best for everyone.

[whichwayisup]

I hope you weren't expecting to be step mom to their kids so quickly. 3 kids won't adjust well to their father just up and leaving them for another woman, he is right for you waiting until after the divorce and until they are ready, on their terms and time frame. Nobody should be forced.

 

As for his soon to be ex wife, well, she is hurting and devastated, her husband left her for you so of course she is going to do everything possible to try to win him back. You may not like it or not even like her but she has a right to try to fight for the man she still loves. She is angry too, which is why she's screaming. Wouldn't you be the same way or similar if the situation was reversed? 3 kids, a long history together and then your H just up and left you for someone else, leaving everybody and everything behind?

 

If he truly is over her and wanting to be just with you then the D will happen and she won't be able to manipulate him back.

 

Show compassion and understanding. And hopefully in time you and her can talk because she is going to be in your lives because of their kids. They will always have to communicate and see one another on occasion too, so try to not see her as the devil. She's a mom who's hurting and had her world turned upside down not by choice either.

 

Is he treating you well? Being totally honest and open with you? If so, then try not to worry, he will handle things properly.

 

As for the daughter who is having some troubles, it is possible she's very upset and acting out.

[minimariah]

In regards to the alone thing...I am not allowed to meet his kids until the divorce has been finalised hence the leaving me on my own bit. Maybe it's just something I have to accept and learn to deal with better...

 

this, pretty much. look... things won't be like this forever. 8 months is not a long time and well... clearly people are hurt and acting out. talk to your BF and come up with some kind of plan.

 

stay away from his xW and children - for now. if someone comes at you, stay composed & calm and remove yourself, walk away from the possible ugly situation. if someone tries to harm you... talk to your BF and notify the authorities. the only thing you can do is support your BF and love him through all of this and giving him strength and courage to deal with the situation. everything else is HIS business and his family - he needs to deal with that.

 

it's AWESOME that you recognized the possibility of resenting your soon to be stepdaughter - it happens. she is his child and she probably will be used as a weapon against him... it is what it is. nothing you can do about it unless be patient, composed and supportive to your BF. his children come first and that's something you'll learn how to live with & accept.

 

seeking some professional help also wouldn't be a bad idea, just asking for an advice from a professional so you can prepare yourself, know what's coming and kind of be ready for every possible scenario.

 

basically... be with your BF, support and love him and be patient. let the time do it's thing, make a plan with your BF about your future and his children and how will you slowly enter their lives. this may seem like a catastrophe right now... but on the long run, you as a couple will benefit from it because things like that usually make people closer & stronger.

 

so... just, be patient. be smart - do not lash out, do not badmouth anyone from his family, do not talk back. do not give them any reason to demonize you further. your BF should've been honest from the beginning but it is what it is now - he should be completely open and honest from NOW on. no more lies.

[truncated]

Sounds like his daughter is acting of her own accord, and it's really no wonder.

 

her whole world has been ripped apart, and whether she's right or wrong, in her eyes, it's because of what you and your father did.

 

If she is self harming, then her parents need to present a unified front and get her the help she needs, whether she wants it or not. Depending on her age, it may it be up to her.

 

 

right now, none of this is really your business. It is between her and her parents, so stepping back, like you say you have been doing, was a smart choice.

 

Given time and distance the daughter may begin to feel differently, or she may not. There is not really a lot you can do about that, other than to give her space and not try and force a relationship that, at this point in time, she doesn't want.

[Popsicle]

I would run so fast away from this it would make your head spin.

 

He has unfinished business. I'd tell him I love him and to come back when things have normalized for him some.

 

If he never comes back, it wasn't meant to be.

[sandylee1]

I would advise you to protect your heart in the event that things don't work out the way you both planned. He may start or already be feeling really guilty for the situation his daughter is in and that may make him try and work things out.

 

She stalked your fb page of her own volition, so her reaction is based on what she perceived. The fact that she was in a position to have to do this, really is tough and most parents will probably reflect on this, most especially the parent that caused it. In her Father's position, I would want to see that the self harming was true and not a fabrication to manipulate me back.

 

I reiterate to protect your heart from hurt, because he may be questioning if it's really worth putting his daughter and the rest of the family through this. He could be under pressure from other family members to rethink his decision, because of what's happened.

 

As an aside - it's an awful lot for you to deal with as well and could start if not already impacting on your mental, physical and emotional health. Relationships are hard work at the best of times, but you've got 4 people who instantly casualties here.

 

Look after yourself.

[Bootsie]

You seem to be upset that the family of this guy are not "fighting clean".

 

 

Most likely from their perspective you and the MM started it by "fighting dirty" right from the start.

 

 

In my opinion they have a right to fight for their marriage/family. Ideally she shouldn't be doing all this stuff, but then again ideally you shouldn't have inserted yourself into someone else's marriage. If you didn't want a battle over this guy then you shouldn't have engaged with him. Of course it's too late now to say what you shouldn't have done.

 

 

I think your best bet is to take the higher ground and act with dignity and grace, rather than expecting his family to act with grace and dignity in the face of what you and the MM did.

[sandylee1]

I would advise you to protect your heart in the event that things don't work out the way you both planned. He may start or already be feeling really guilty for the situation his daughter is in and that may make him try and work things out.

 

She stalked your fb page of her own volition, so her reaction is based on what she perceived. The fact that she was in a position to have to do this, really is tough and most parents will probably reflect on this, most especially the parent that caused it. In her Father's position, I would want to see that the self harming was true and not a fabrication to manipulate me back.

 

I reiterate to protect your heart from hurt, because he may be questioning if it's really worth putting his daughter and the rest of the family through this. He could be under pressure from other family members to rethink his decision, because of what's happened.

 

As an aside - it's an awful lot for you to deal with as well and could start if not already impacting on your mental, physical and emotional health. Relationships are hard work at the best of times, but you've got 4 people who instantly casualties here.

 

Look after yourself.

 

Just to clarify - Even if she's not actually self harming, it doesn't mean she's not hurting and suffering. I was just saying I'd want to see that it was actually happening

 

In the position of your MM, my thoughts would be what have I put my family through, that my daughter has had to resort to self harming, true or otherwise because of my actions.

 

This 'conspiracy ' may not have anything to do with his wife at all. I know I'd never ever use my kids in that way, pretending self harm. Most responsible mother's wouldn't either. So this could all be something his daughter is doing all on her own, fooling both her parents, hoping the more time he spends with them, the more he sees the impact of his infidelity on her and the family, that he'll come back home.

 

People often say, the kids will be fine, their resilient etc, but you can see his daughter isn't fine at all. She was probably ' fine', when he left, but finding out there was another woman has turned her world upside down. I know you're probably just seeing it from your perspective, but (please don't take this as a rebuke ) it might give you a more holistic understanding if you put yourself in his daughter's shoes.

[sandylee1]

 

Next thing I know, my bfs getting calls saying he was cheating on her for years.

 

Holly x

 

So are you saying it was just a brief affair?

[Baby123]

I would start putting some boundaries in place, quickly, does he really need to go to their family home?

 

I would make sure your comfortable and that he is fully transparent about everything and if he's not then id make sure he knows you'll be out the door.

 

Yes she's his daughter, but your the woman he loves, so he needs to find a fair solution for all.

[whatatangledweb]

IDK if it is a conspiracy or not. His daughter may have told his wife and wanted no one else to know. His wife wouldn't want to break her daughter's trust by him saying something to her. I have known several cutters. Some of them put the marks on arms and legs and others put them in spots people can't really see easily, like stomach,chest.

 

I wouldn't tell him you want him to see them . This would imply to him that his daughter is a liar and that may tick him off.

 

On the flip side. I know you think his wife may be lying that doesn't mean his daughter is in on it. Which could be why she told him not to say anything to his daughter about it.

[elaine567]

Of course things totally blew up but in a way neither of us expected...

You were obviously pretty naive, if you didn't consider the fall out and the potential never ending troubles of a man leaving a wife and three kids. You are just one of five people all vying for his attention.

People that are very important to him and will continue to be a big part of his life most likely forever.

It will be very hard for you and you are going to spend time biting your tongue and smiling oh so sweetly when you really want to rip someone's throat out.

Do you have a supportive network of friend's and family? You will need them and if you don't, then perhaps get some professional help just to have someone to speak to and vent about it.

If you think this is really not for you, as a long term proposition, it is better for everyone, if you throw in the towel now and not 5 years down the road and upset everyone involved including yourself big time.

[Artie Lang]

let's be totally honest here... did you really believe things were gonna go "smoothly" for the two of you when the nature of your relationship was out in the open? pretty naive, dontcha think.

 

 

you said it yourself, he left his family high and dry for another woman. they have right to be a tad bit upset and act "wacko". i'm not saying it's right at how extreme they're taking things, but C'MON...

 

 

i agree with the poster who said you should "run," but since you're not gonna do that, be prepared for hell. they are not gonna make things easy for you and these kids are probably gonna hate your for the rest of their lives. are you ready for that?

[GirlStillStrong]

This does not sound like a relationship i would like to be in. I have an exbf who broke up with his wife (it was her idea) and the drama from these people (him, wife and two kids) never let up for over two years. Came to realize that this is just how they are! I'm sure it has not ended. I hope it gets better for you, that everyone calms down and settles, but I wouldn't bet on it. You need to strengthen your own life as much as possible.

[xxoo]

Dad has an affair, mom goes off the deep end and then shacks up with a new guy, and of course the kids will struggle and suffer. These are the expected results, but not what people are thinking about when they engage in an affair.

 

Faced with reality of how the parents' actions have affected the kids, a decent parent will pull it together and start trying to heal the wounds. The fantasy has been burst by reality.

 

It really doesn't matter if the daughter is actually cutting or not. She shouldn't be this consumed with her parents' dating lives. And it's not a matter of telling her to butt out, but rather a matter of acting like a responsible, stable parent so that she can be a kid.

[gettingstronger]

I work with kids, all I can say is even if she is "faking" it, its still a huge sign of struggle for this kid-kids cry out for help in so many ways but the root issue is always just that- they need help-

 

At this point, its not about you or your BF or the BS-its about how this situation is impacting a child- if you are unable to put your needs aside for the child, it would be best if you step away for now-

[waterwoman]

You are honestly surprised his family aren't being totally sensible and together about this? On a UK forum I go to regularly, a women found out about her H's affair and he left - all within a day - and she is in bits. She is trying to be dignified and calm but no-one would blame her if she lost it a little. People aren't robots and perhaps, just perhaps, that inconvenient daughter of theirs, is genuinely threatening to self-harm because it is the only way she can take some sort of control of an adult situation over which she has no influence. It's not a conspiracy, just the impact of shock, emotional pain and the impact of betrayal.

 

None of this is your fault. The blame lies with your BF but please, for the love of Mike, offer as much understanding and compassion you can, and more patience than you ever thought you would need. Oh and good luck building a relationship with a man like that.

[sandylee1]

Just wanted to add that the daughter has also realised that her dad lied about the reason he left her mother and the truth only came to light later, so there is likely to be so much hurt and anger, as well as a loss of trust in her dad. It's going to take a while to work through, I don't know if it's something you can deal with going forward.

 

Things could calm down, then something else with the kids will happen. You may want to really ask yourself if it's worth the next 10 or however many more years of this. When the kids become adults, will they want you at their special days? how will you feel if your excluded? If they don't want you there, will their dad refuse to go. The potential damage of relationships here is immense.

 

Is it really worth it. This should be an exciting phase of a relationship, but all of the baggage is turning into a nightmare.

[Sassy Girl]

There is no conspiracy. You helped to drop a nuke in the middle of a family. You don't get to skip off into the sunset with your man without having to survey the damage you left. Take some accountability before you run off complaining that a potentially self harming daughter is "driving you mad".

 

 

Your lack of empathy for a family you helped destroy is pretty concerning here.

 

 

You're 8 months into a relationship with a cheater. Id say referring to her as your "future step daughter" is putting the cart before the horse here.

 

 

Stay out of it. You've done enough damage.

[MissBee]

I would run so fast away from this it would make your head spin.

 

He has unfinished business. I'd tell him I love him and to come back when things have normalized for him some.

 

If he never comes back, it wasn't meant to be.

 

I am more along this line of thinking as well, although you don't have to leave him but it's worth thinking about the fact that he is still married, he has 3 kids, the affair blew their world apart and it's going to take quite some time for it to normalize.

 

This isn't just about affairs. This is why many folks also choose not to date anyone newly separated, newly broken up, not divorced etc. because the person usually needs time to readjust to a new life and tie up all loose ends and that is even more difficult to do if you're trying to have a new relationship at the same time, worse if it is an affair and the mom and kids feel like it's the dad and OW's fault for the disruption, that makes it even more difficult.

 

Curious: what were the circumstances of him leaving? His choice? Did he plan to leave before being found out? Was it sort of a rush decision since dday happened anyway?

 

In any event, think of this like any other relationship, if you were dating a single man with 3 kids, drama with his kids' mom, the kid hated you and was self-harming because of you, you felt things were being manipulated etc...would you stick around or would you decide maybe it's not worth it? It's totally your decision. The thing is though, sometimes people feel they have to make the post-A relationship work since they risked so much or it caused other things to fall apart, but the truth is, you don't have to. Like any relationship it is allowed to work or not work out and you have to assess it honestly like you would any man you're with and whether or not it's worth it. How long was the A? How long have you been together total?

Edited May 3, 2015 by MissBee

[Got it]

My advice, I would look at the big picture on this, this is a marathon, not a sprint. So 8 months is a drop in the bucket. I would refocus your time, understanding that things will be very separate for a while now. And that is good! He can handle his divorce, you two will have your dating time, and then you will still have your time. Focus there and just take a deep breath. I doubt there is a conspiracy but multiple players that are handling this major life event in different ways. And older girls are definitely more emotional, just roll with it.

 

I can relate to everything above and will tell you I did not meet the kids for 2 years after he separated, and well after he was divorced. We took things very slow and listened to the kids on what the wanted and what they didn't. They don't get a lot of say in all these things - the affair, divorce, parents fighting - so empathize where they can.

 

And enjoy the one on one time, it won't be too long when you may just look back wistfully on that time. But in all seriousness, it would behoove you to understand the magnitude of everything and a responsible timeline. I would highly recommend changing your thinking from months to years.

[Adoraxx]

I would run so fast away from this it would make your head spin.

 

He has unfinished business. I'd tell him I love him and to come back when things have normalized for him some.

 

If he never comes back, it wasn't meant to be.

 

I think this is great advice , it will take the pressure off you and like Popsicle said "if he never comes back, it wasn't meant to be"