How many of you wrote a letter to your ex and sent it?

[OK_computer]

What was the outcome? Did it do anything towards easing your pain? Did they respond and if so was it positive or negative?

 

I myself have never wrote a letter to my ex...but sometimes it seems like a nonconfrontational way of getting what you need to say out there.

[hunk]

I did (not really letter, more like a few lengthy letter-type texts) after my ex contacted me. I was the reason the relationship failed so I felt like it needed to be done. It ended horrifically with her telling me "i will never forgive you" and "i will never want you back in my life ever" and for me to go "**** myself". So yeah, i don't think I'm ever doing that again and I don't recommend anyone else do it either.

 

I suppose it's different when you are dumped on decent terms, where there's no resentment but the dumper just grew out of the relationship and you didn't really do anything wrong. Everyone feels compelled to write a letter outlining they understand where they went wrong etc etc but it's just too late and will just ultimately repulse your ex. If you were a good person you have no reason to write any sort of self degrading letter that just makes you look pathetic - absolutely zero reason.

[Tone Loc]

I haven't written a letter to my ex but I was at the receiving end of one. I wish she never sent it, I could be at 1 month of no contact now instead of a measly twelve days. I'd never think about sending her a letter, I'm trying to move on and I'm wishing I'll never hear from her again. I'd certainly never initiate any further contact of any form, the pain is too strong. It's true what they say about the silent treatment, it's the quickest way to heal.

[ephemeralme]

What was the outcome? Did it do anything towards easing your pain? Did they respond and if so was it positive or negative?

 

I myself have never wrote a letter to my ex...but sometimes it seems like a nonconfrontational way of getting what you need to say out there.

 

mine went today....

6+-- years together- both of us in our early 50s with Rs behind us, we were engaged.

 

 

I wrote mine, and sent it... for ME.

I don't need a response, don't expect one.

It was for my heart ... as I noted in another post..

It was how I removed his poison tipped arrow from my heart.

yes, there is damage done...toxins in my system

the letter; antivenom

Edited May 2, 2015 by ephemeralme
typo

[ravfour4]

I've found that sending long texts or letters makes you feel relieved at first.....but then when you hear nothing or start thinking about "wait, did they get it? did they read it? what did they think?" it can be venomous.

 

If you're REALLY just sending it for you and REALLY don't care about the response, I suppose it could be therapeutic, but you might as well just write it and throw it out then.

[Leone13]

I wrote and sent an email after seeing him one night. It left me exhausted and hurt and I needed to get my thoughts out. After seeing him I didn't feel it was fair for me to be left in the gutter without a voice and I needed to clear my head. It immediately helped me feel better. I didn't expect, nor did I get, a response, but I was able to say what was on my mind with more clarity. Often in the moment it's difficult to get the words straight, but I was able to take my time and choose my words.

 

It was good for me as a release, and didn't re-open an unnecessary dialog. It's good if you sincerely need to get something off your chest and can stop at the one letter. You don't want to make a habit of sending messages anytime you feel emotional, but you also have a right to end on a solid note.

[fardaxel]

What was the outcome? Did it do anything towards easing your pain? Did they respond and if so was it positive or negative?

 

I myself have never wrote a letter to my ex...but sometimes it seems like a nonconfrontational way of getting what you need to say out there.

 

I think this is what your youth is for - to make this awful, awful mistake, and then advise other people that for the love of humanity, don't do it. Write the letter, but do not send the letter. Trust me - don't.

 

No, really. Don't do it.

Edited May 2, 2015 by fardaxel

[Kitkatleen24]

I have 2 experiences with sending a letter.

 

It depends on why you guys broke up. Mine fell out of love but still needs me. Of course I tried every ways to get him back in the beginning like most dumpees do. Tried being friends but failed badly (should had started NC since the BU 1 month ago). The weirdest part about mine is, whenever I reach out, he would respond almost immediately. He said he stop loving me like his girlfriend but still loves me like a family. I couldn't accept that.

 

And then I screwed up and he ended up blocking me. I was always the one who wanted to go NC but he didn't want to. We had a huge fight and I decided to write him a long letter apologising (I know it's pathetic) but then I told him I'll stay away from him, it's been day 5 NC now. 2 days ago I checked my email and saw that he emailed me regarding the letter! He didn't say he wants to get back with me but I'm still an important person in his life. He said he thought of me when he was really stressed out at his work place. So for me, it kinda works and I feel better knowing that we didn't end badly. But I wrote that email for myself, I didn't really expect a response though. I wanted him to block me because I couldn't do it myself. I didn't reply to him, wouldn't accept anything less than "I love you, I made a mistake" and he needs to prove a lot to come back.

 

I have another experience with my other ex, he too fell out of love. And immediately he started being cold. I cried and beg, and he only came back for sex (which I don't agree). It ended really badly and I wrote him a long email but he never did respond.. I moved on really quickly because he's just an *******.

 

I feel like if you feel like doing it, just do it. Why bother about what he thinks about you? You're already broken up, maybe you're afraid he will think you're disgusting etc. but who cares? He broke up with you, he don't want you anymore so no matter what you say, nothing changes. Just do it for yourself, say whatever you have to say. Most of my ex's come back begging few months later but I've already moved on so too bad for them. They tried the long letter thing on me but it makes me feel disgusted!

 

Do it only if you really don't expect a reaction and just wants to say whatever you had on your mind. i did it and have no regrets. If I didn't send him a letter apologising for fighting with him, I probably would have felt worse.

Like what the other poster said, if the relationship didn't end bad, they will eventually miss you and think of all the good points about you instead.

[ephemeralme]

I think this is what your youth is for - to make this awful, awful mistake, and then advise other people that for the love of humanity, don't do it. Write the letter, but do not send the letter. Trust me - don't.

 

No, really. Don't do it.

 

 

 

why not????

[ephemeralme]

I have 2 experiences with sending a letter.

 

It depends on why you guys broke up. Mine fell out of love but still needs me. Of course I tried every ways to get him back in the beginning like most dumpees do. Tried being friends but failed badly (should had started NC since the BU 1 month ago). The weirdest part about mine is, whenever I reach out, he would respond almost immediately. He said he stop loving me like his girlfriend but still loves me like a family. I couldn't accept that.

 

And then I screwed up and he ended up blocking me. I was always the one who wanted to go NC but he didn't want to. We had a huge fight and I decided to write him a long letter apologising (I know it's pathetic) but then I told him I'll stay away from him, it's been day 5 NC now. 2 days ago I checked my email and saw that he emailed me regarding the letter! He didn't say he wants to get back with me but I'm still an important person in his life. He said he thought of me when he was really stressed out at his work place. So for me, it kinda works and I feel better knowing that we didn't end badly. But I wrote that email for myself, I didn't really expect a response though. I wanted him to block me because I couldn't do it myself. I didn't reply to him, wouldn't accept anything less than "I love you, I made a mistake" and he needs to prove a lot to come back.

 

I have another experience with my other ex, he too fell out of love. And immediately he started being cold. I cried and beg, and he only came back for sex (which I don't agree). It ended really badly and I wrote him a long email but he never did respond.. I moved on really quickly because he's just an *******.

 

I feel like if you feel like doing it, just do it. Why bother about what he thinks about you? You're already broken up, maybe you're afraid he will think you're disgusting etc. but who cares? He broke up with you, he don't want you anymore so no matter what you say, nothing changes. Just do it for yourself, say whatever you have to say. Most of my ex's come back begging few months later but I've already moved on so too bad for them. They tried the long letter thing on me but it makes me feel disgusted!

 

Do it only if you really don't expect a reaction and just wants to say whatever you had on your mind. i did it and have no regrets. If I didn't send him a letter apologising for fighting with him, I probably would have felt worse.

Like what the other poster said, if the relationship didn't end bad, they will eventually miss you and think of all the good points about you instead.

 

 

 

I suppose it depends on the content of the letter...

not sure why it would be "disgusting"

mine was really a letter of observation, attempt to understand but also to take my stand and not be the door mat of blame.

no begging, no I miss you, no I want you or I love you.

in fact it was very unemotional.... read more like a text book.

 

 

regardless-- I don't care if it bugs him or what he feels about it.

it was my voice and I wanted it heard by him (in writing).

NC is strong and will so remain.

 

 

in fact I really don't think I would want to speak with him or see him right now.

( it would likely end up with an assault violation) LOL( only kidding)

[erklat]

I sent the letter together with some other gifts and it was ignored.

 

The only part of my breakup I regret is sending that. It is weak and manipulative.

 

Don't be the person that sent the letter.

[Ruby65]

If you can stop yourself from sending a letter, do it!

 

I think it's therapeutic to write it all out, definitely.

 

Then if you feel like you must do something with it, you can print it out and have a special ceremony to give yourself some closure -- light some candles, put on some special music, have a glass of wine, read the letter aloud.... and then burn it.

 

But pretty much the worst thing you can do is reach out to someone who's dumped you -- if only because it means breaking No Contact. In terms of causing you pain and setting you back in your healing, a letter is no different than a text, a phone call, or an in-person meeting: it's going to HURT.

 

I sent a letter to an ex once. He had sent me this very long apology saying that he missed me and wanted to be friends. It was really him unloading a lot so he could feel less guilty. I wrote him back because the idea that he would even entertain the notion of our being friends again someday really started to eat away at me. I wanted him to know that would never happen, ever.

 

Looking back, I always regretted sending him that reply. I wished I had just ignored it -- he really didn't deserve an answer from me, even a negative one.

 

In short, this has always been true in my life, and in the lives of my friends throughout our dating years:

 

* I've never stuck to NC and regretted it.

* I've never broken NC and NOT regretted it.

* I've never broken NC and had a dumper say, "gee I'm so glad you contacted me because I really wanted to get back together but was just waiting for you to contact me first."

 

Keep moving forward!

[embeu]

I wrote 2 letters (emails) to my ex.

 

I felt the breakup hit me like a freight train. We were only together for 6 months (last 2 months ldr). When she said she had lost her feelings i didnt know what happened, i tried to talk to her about it several times but she didnt say anything, couldnt talk about it.

She broke up with me using a text message and that was that. I removed her from fb and had planned on NC.

 

The questions of how and why bothered me so i sent her a message on fb asking her. She responded something vague about wanting to spare my feelings. I responded saying that my feelings were allready hurt and that i wanted to know what happened. I got no answer!

 

After a couple of months i still could not loose the bitter feelings of how she treated me during and after the break up. We never fought or argued and i was always good to her. I felt i did not deserve what i got.

I wrote her a long email saying how i felt right before our breakup, how her emotonal distance and silence made me feel, and that i was sorry things had to go that way. I did not get any answer, but i never expected one.

I am glad i sent that letter because that was the only way i could close the door behind me.

 

Feel free to send letters, but do not expect a nice response (if you get any at all). Take your time writing the letter because it might be the last thing you ever get to say to them, and you after some time you will look back at what you wrote as "your final words". Dont be dramatic or say something stupid.

[fardaxel]

why not????

 

Because it doesn't have the effect you think it will. There's no "aha!" moment. You just end up looking like a loony.

[gnick]

I wrote a long sappy email to my ex. I treated her perfectly during the relationship but she lost feelings. She never acknowledged getting it but she got distant after I sent it. So I sent another one thinking maybe I didn't explain myself correctly. After that she cut contact. So me adhering to my"if it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer philosophy "I sent a bunch more. At this point I don't really care what I looked like. I hope I irritated the **** out of her lol

[KatZee]

I wrote an email to my ex and sent it. I blocked him on my account immediately after sending it, so it wasn't a case of me trying to get a reaction, a response, or back in his life at all.

 

For me, he needed to know exactly what I thought of him and how much he hurt me. I spent 3 yrs with him acting like a doormat, letting him treat me like garbage, lying to me, being selfish, inconsiderate, etc etc.

 

After all that, I still was never disrespectful to him, never anything more than loving.

 

It took him cheating on me, me giving him a second chance, and him cheating AGAIN for me to just completely lose my s_h!t. And I lost it. Big time.

 

I really don't care if he thought I was "loony." His opinion on anything at that point was worthless and irrelevant to me.

[SLee]

I wrote out a 15 page thing of my feelings that I never intended to send. He found out about it and ASKED me to read it to him. Against my better judgement, I did. This was like a week after the break up. He then said he wanted to work things out. Well, that lasted for two weeks and turned out he was just "emotional" and committed to something he "couldn't do". So it ended in a disaster for me.

[fardaxel]

I wrote an email to my ex and sent it. I blocked him on my account immediately after sending it, so it wasn't a case of me trying to get a reaction, a response, or back in his life at all.

 

For me, he needed to know exactly what I thought of him and how much he hurt me. I spent 3 yrs with him acting like a doormat, letting him treat me like garbage, lying to me, being selfish, inconsiderate, etc etc.

 

After all that, I still was never disrespectful to him, never anything more than loving.

 

It took him cheating on me, me giving him a second chance, and him cheating AGAIN for me to just completely lose my s_h!t. And I lost it. Big time.

 

I really don't care if he thought I was "loony." His opinion on anything at that point was worthless and irrelevant to me.

 

It's not often that people write the letters though, expecting no reaction - which probably makes your situation a little different.

[OK_computer]

I wrote out a 15 page thing of my feelings that I never intended to send. He found out about it and ASKED me to read it to him. Against my better judgement, I did. This was like a week after the break up. He then said he wanted to work things out. Well, that lasted for two weeks and turned out he was just "emotional" and committed to something he "couldn't do". So it ended in a disaster for me.

 

15 pages both sides or one?

 

I have the attention span to write 1 paragraph =(

[Kitkatleen24]

I wrote out a 15 page thing of my feelings that I never intended to send. He found out about it and ASKED me to read it to him. Against my better judgement, I did. This was like a week after the break up. He then said he wanted to work things out. Well, that lasted for two weeks and turned out he was just "emotional" and committed to something he "couldn't do". So it ended in a disaster for me.

 

Mine was similar too! He received a letter that I wrote to him before the break up and then he was emotional and came back. But didn't commit. And few days later, it's back to the same old coldness. It's like a second breakup. He came back twice before I decided to end it for real. It was painful.. So my advice is just send if you really need to but don't expect them to come running back. Most of the time, even if they want to come back, it will be months after. And thy would put in effort, not you.

[imbax]

Hi guys I have just wrote email of my life to my ex-girlfriend and then I had a sit down and thought...why so rushed for? I then took the whole night to think of things I could add and improve the expression and though processes that go into the email. I then decided that it was probably best if I turn this into a printed letter for her. I will be seeing her next week at my graduation and we have both agreed to take photos for old times sake. I have decided I will drop the letter to her in person, that way, we would have been in NC for 10 days longer than now. I can also say what I have to say to her when I see her.

 

Writing the letter out and reflecting on the past made me realise what mistakes I had made to affect the relationship and its outcome. I was insecure, pushy and needy at times and she knew. I just wish I could have turned back the clock and not had been so damn insecure at the start, which would have me in a better position throughout the whole relationship and therefore she would have treated me better and I wouldn't have complained as much ultimately not pushing her to breaking up with me in the end.

 

The letter I wrote is basically a reflection of the whole relationship, meanings of love and a means to self-closure and respecting her wishes on good terms. I do not intend for her to reply nor even open it up to read when I give it to her, but hopefully she does read it and reflect what great times we had together. My end goals is just to say everything I have ever wanted to say in words, and let that be it. No more after that, full stop. I don't expect anything in return and I don't expect a reconciliation. I have told her in the letter that I am moving on and not waiting for her any longer.

 

I'll let you guys know how it goes, but inside, I am a broken man.

[ToOldForThis]

My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. We had a horrible break-up (as if there is ever a good one) We basically came back from a vacation which was for us to try and repair our relationship and spend some quality time together. On the connector flight home she gets a call from this guy who I already suspected she was seeing. I said nothing. Next day, I text her, that I did not appreciate her dragging me through her decision process as to what she wanted or who she wanted to be with and she owed me that respect. That was it, we never spoke again. I went N.C for 2.5 months with the exception of 2 very short emails just talking about a few things that reminded me of us. No response. I kept seeing her in town with her new BF but she did not see me. About a week ago, We saw each other or at least I thought she saw me also. I sent another quick email telling her I saw her, she look nice and it was good to see her. No questions, just a few sentences.

 

5 minutes later she calls, first time in we spoke in 2.5 month and starts screaming at me to leave her the F** alone. WHAT? Told me I broke her heart, and she will never be able to love again as she did with me. Then hung up. She called back and we talked for an hour. She lied about the guy and about a lot of other things. The conversation was very frustrating for me. I could not say anything as she would always change the subject and twist things around. She denied everything about the guy. Typical of how our entire relationship was.

 

A week later I wrote her a letter how I felt about her behavior recently and in the past. It was nasty. Mostly because with clarity I was able to articulate how she never took responsibility for any of her actions and the demise of the relationship. Then I got anger in the letter. Told her she was a liar and a coward for ever going on vacation with me while already cheating. Then basically said I never want to see her again, don’t ever contact me, do not reply to this and that if she had not pissed and crapped all over then ending of the relationship I would have wished her well. But since she chose to disrespect me so much I basically wished she got what she deserved.

 

It was a hurtful letter. I did not want a response at all. Truly. I just wanted to vent my anger and if it hurt her, so be it. I also wanted to force a wedge between us to make sure she would never contact me. Really that was for me. By being nasty I knew that I had now closed the door forever. Childish for sure, but I did not care. It was for me. I will never know if she even read it past the first paragraph. I am fairly certain she will think I am pathetic. I don’t care. I cannot worry about what she thinks anymore. I gave up some dignity by sending it but at the time it seemed like a good idea. I say at the time because a few days later I of course regretted it. I started thinking about an apology letter. I felt bad for hurting her. I deeply loved her and did not want to hurt her. I felt bad for stooping so low as to send such a letter. Thus the cycle begins. I of course will never send anything again, nor will I ever. I learned my lesson.

 

That being said. I would suggest you write whatever it is you need to say. Then leave it alone for a few days. Revisit the letter and re-read it. Then, really and I mean really think about why you would send it, what you will gain or loose but sending it and if I could actually help you feel better. Think about if you get a response, how that will feel. Think about if you don’t get a response and how that will also feel. If it all makes sense then send it if you choose. This is about you and your needs not, not theirs. The biggest danger is the response or lack of. I knew my ex would never respond so I had no expectation, no checking my email etc. I knew it was really done.

 

During these first few weeks / months of a break-up our emotions run the gamut of love, hate, sadness, longing and what if’s. The what if’s are maddening. You cannot not fix what you have no control of. You cannot convince anyone to love you or come back to you once they have begun to let of you and moved on.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your healing and hope your strength and intelligence will guide you to make all the best decisions for you and only you. No regrets are important to moving on.

[imbax]

My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. We had a horrible break-up (as if there is ever a good one) We basically came back from a vacation which was for us to try and repair our relationship and spend some quality time together. On the connector flight home she gets a call from this guy who I already suspected she was seeing. I said nothing. Next day, I text her, that I did not appreciate her dragging me through her decision process as to what she wanted or who she wanted to be with and she owed me that respect. That was it, we never spoke again. I went N.C for 2.5 months with the exception of 2 very short emails just talking about a few things that reminded me of us. No response. I kept seeing her in town with her new BF but she did not see me. About a week ago, We saw each other or at least I thought she saw me also. I sent another quick email telling her I saw her, she look nice and it was good to see her. No questions, just a few sentences.

 

5 minutes later she calls, first time in we spoke in 2.5 month and starts screaming at me to leave her the F** alone. WHAT? Told me I broke her heart, and she will never be able to love again as she did with me. Then hung up. She called back and we talked for an hour. She lied about the guy and about a lot of other things. The conversation was very frustrating for me. I could not say anything as she would always change the subject and twist things around. She denied everything about the guy. Typical of how our entire relationship was.

 

A week later I wrote her a letter how I felt about her behavior recently and in the past. It was nasty. Mostly because with clarity I was able to articulate how she never took responsibility for any of her actions and the demise of the relationship. Then I got anger in the letter. Told her she was a liar and a coward for ever going on vacation with me while already cheating. Then basically said I never want to see her again, don’t ever contact me, do not reply to this and that if she had not pissed and crapped all over then ending of the relationship I would have wished her well. But since she chose to disrespect me so much I basically wished she got what she deserved.

 

It was a hurtful letter. I did not want a response at all. Truly. I just wanted to vent my anger and if it hurt her, so be it. I also wanted to force a wedge between us to make sure she would never contact me. Really that was for me. By being nasty I knew that I had now closed the door forever. Childish for sure, but I did not care. It was for me. I will never know if she even read it past the first paragraph. I am fairly certain she will think I am pathetic. I don’t care. I cannot worry about what she thinks anymore. I gave up some dignity by sending it but at the time it seemed like a good idea. I say at the time because a few days later I of course regretted it. I started thinking about an apology letter. I felt bad for hurting her. I deeply loved her and did not want to hurt her. I felt bad for stooping so low as to send such a letter. Thus the cycle begins. I of course will never send anything again, nor will I ever. I learned my lesson.

 

That being said. I would suggest you write whatever it is you need to say. Then leave it alone for a few days. Revisit the letter and re-read it. Then, really and I mean really think about why you would send it, what you will gain or loose but sending it and if I could actually help you feel better. Think about if you get a response, how that will feel. Think about if you don’t get a response and how that will also feel. If it all makes sense then send it if you choose. This is about you and your needs not, not theirs. The biggest danger is the response or lack of. I knew my ex would never respond so I had no expectation, no checking my email etc. I knew it was really done.

 

During these first few weeks / months of a break-up our emotions run the gamut of love, hate, sadness, longing and what if’s. The what if’s are maddening. You cannot not fix what you have no control of. You cannot convince anyone to love you or come back to you once they have begun to let of you and moved on.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your healing and hope your strength and intelligence will guide you to make all the best decisions for you and only you. No regrets are important to moving on.

 

Beautifully written and concise. You are on point when you say write it and leave it for a few days, even for a few hours and you really begin to wonder how awkward the letter sounds let alone pathetic. Cheers for this

[SLee]

15 pages both sides or one?

 

I have the attention span to write 1 paragraph =(

15 one sided pages, but it was never printed and I just had it on my computer. I had a lot of feelings I needed to get out that week!

[erklat]

Hi guys I have just wrote email of my life to my ex-girlfriend and then I had a sit down and thought...why so rushed for? I then took the whole night to think of things I could add and improve the expression and though processes that go into the email. I then decided that it was probably best if I turn this into a printed letter for her. I will be seeing her next week at my graduation and we have both agreed to take photos for old times sake. I have decided I will drop the letter to her in person, that way, we would have been in NC for 10 days longer than now. I can also say what I have to say to her when I see her.

 

Writing the letter out and reflecting on the past made me realise what mistakes I had made to affect the relationship and its outcome. I was insecure, pushy and needy at times and she knew. I just wish I could have turned back the clock and not had been so damn insecure at the start, which would have me in a better position throughout the whole relationship and therefore she would have treated me better and I wouldn't have complained as much ultimately not pushing her to breaking up with me in the end.

 

The letter I wrote is basically a reflection of the whole relationship, meanings of love and a means to self-closure and respecting her wishes on good terms. I do not intend for her to reply nor even open it up to read when I give it to her, but hopefully she does read it and reflect what great times we had together. My end goals is just to say everything I have ever wanted to say in words, and let that be it. No more after that, full stop. I don't expect anything in return and I don't expect a reconciliation. I have told her in the letter that I am moving on and not waiting for her any longer.

 

I'll let you guys know how it goes, but inside, I am a broken man.

 

It was not all your doing. She played a role in relationships demise too.

 

I can hardly think of the idea which would make you look more pathetic and

needy than what you came up with here.

 

In your best interest for old times sake is to cancel all graduation plans since

they are no longer appropriate.