I am very emotional and my BF is not

[jellydog]

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. Lately we are experiencing a rocky phase. We are both very much in love and have no intention of separating, but there are things we are both unhappy about when it comes to one another. My main issue in the relationship has always been the same thing - he finds it very hard to talk about his feelings and becomes very awkward and withdrawn when I become emotional.

 

Bit of a backstory - I have struggled with depression since I was 15 (I'm 30) and have a fairly serious anxiety disorder. I have always been a sensitive, emotional person. I have a very big heart and I feel things very keenly. My BF (37) is very loving and kind, he is a good person, but he has never been good at showing his emotions and finds it very hard to deal with loved ones when they are upset. Basically, whenever we argue and I cry, he shuts down and closes himself off. It always turns into me becoming near hysterical because I am not getting the comfort that I need (my anxiety kicks in here) and he just gets more annoyed and withdrawn. I need comfort when I cry - all my anger is gone, I no longer want to argue, I just need to be held. I have told him this NUMEROUS times over the six years we've been together. I don't even need him to say anything. Why does this seem so hard for so many men? When he opens up and tries to explain he always says he has been this way his entire life, and that he doesn't know how to comfort people. He says it gives him anxiety and makes him uncomfortable.

 

But...I have TOLD him many times what I need from him. Should I be understanding, and accept that this is just 'how he is' ? Or should he realize how important this is to me?

[Mr. Lucky]

Should I be understanding, and accept that this is just 'how he is' ?

 

Yes. He's 37 so he is what he is. Accept him or accept he's not the one for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starglider]

Jellydog,

 

Sometimes this pattern is called Pursuer/Avoider and you both find yourself together because you compliment each other. A pursuer tends to be afraid of abandonment and an avoider tends to be afraid of being engulfed. But a pursuer's hidden fear is that of true intimacy and an avoider's hidden fear is that of true abandonment. Thus the push-pull nature of the dynamic.

 

You can have a pretty stable relationship built on instability for years. If you decide you want to break through and grow, it will mean you both will need to desire change and working on yourself for you to make it through together.

 

I learned of this concept through the prism of "Codependence" where the avoider tend to be an addict and the pursuer tends to be a codependent (and in my case, a love addict where I get addicted to being in love in emotional affairs with unavailable men outside of my marriage).

 

This link details the vicious cycle of this type of push-pull dynamic:

 

LOVE ADDICTION - Caught in Trap of Addictive Relationship?

 

What do you want out of life and the relationship? Are you ready to move to the next level or are you afraid to leave the stability of this pairing?

[oldshirt]

You are getting frustrated with your boyfriend because you are trying to make him into a girlfriend.

 

 

This is like trying to make a dog purr and arch it's back when you pet it or trying to make a cat play fetch.

 

 

You have to fit the right roles with the right people in your life.

 

 

Read more in bold below and at the bottom of the page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are both very much in love and have no intention of separating, but there are things we are both unhappy about when it comes to one another.

 

 

What is he unhappy about other than you trying to get him to be a girlfriend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

My main issue in the relationship has always been the same thing - he finds it very hard to talk about his feelings and becomes very awkward and withdrawn when I become emotional.

 

 

 

 

OK that's what men do. Men don't talk about their feelings because they don't care about their feelings and wouldn't know what to say about them even if they did.

They withdraw when women get emotional because that is an alien concept to them. Men are problem solvers and fix things. But how do you fix a woman that is having a crying fit because someone at the grocery store looked at her shoes wrong??

 

If your BF is having an emotional vomit and a whiney fit about all the things that have emotionally impacted him during the day and then he sits there and holds you and hands you Kleenex while you cry, that means you actually have a girlfriend.

. Basically, whenever we argue and I cry, he shuts down and closes himself off. It always turns into me becoming near hysterical because I am not getting the comfort that I need (my anxiety kicks in here) and he just gets more annoyed and withdrawn.

 

 

The fix-it to this problem is to find a girlfriend that you can whine and cry to and get validation and nurturing from.

You call your BF when you have a flat tire on the expressway or the toilet is clogged.

If you call your BF at midnight because there is a big turd clogging your toilet and he comes over and rolls up his sleeve and unclogs it, that means you have a good boyfriend.

Don't judge boyfriends by girlfriend standards.

 

 

 

 

I need comfort when I cry - all my anger is gone, I no longer want to argue, I just need to be held. I have told him this NUMEROUS times over the six years we've been together.

 

 

I'll address this further below in a separate post.

 

 

 

 

Why does this seem so hard for so many men? When he opens up and tries to explain he always says he has been this way his entire life, and that he doesn't know how to comfort people. He says it gives him anxiety and makes him uncomfortable.

 

 

OK let me see if I can explain this a little more for him. The reason it is so hard and the reason he has been this way his entire life is because he was born with testicles and testosterone.

When women cry and have their emotional outbursts it makes men anxious and uncomfortable because we can't relate to it and we can't fix it.

It's just like you'd be anxious if he got kicked in the balls and was turning green, puking and passing out. You hate to see him in pain but you can't relate to it and you can't fix it so you become anxious and uncomfortable. Same thing here.

 

But...I have TOLD him many times what I need from him.

 

 

Tell him a million more times, it ain't gonna change a thing. It's like telling the cat you need it to fetch the stick or telling the dog you want it to purr.

 

 

 

 

Should I be understanding, and accept that this is just 'how he is' ? Or should he realize how important this is to me?

 

 

 

 

yes you need to understand and accept that this is how all heterosexual men are. And you need to understand and accept that different people have different roles and responsibilities in your life.

Your boyfriends roles and responsibilities are to flirt with you and compliment you and make you feel desirable and sexy, take you out on dates, give you lovin's and wrap your legs up over his shoulders and give you some good orgasms...and he is also responsible for making sure you and your children are safe from predators (including 2-legged, 4-legged and 8-legged ) fixing your flat tire, unclogging your toilet, patching your roof etc etc A good boyfriend will also make sure you get home safely and hold your hair out of the toilet when you are puking drunk.

Helping you with your emotional vomits and handing you tissues and feeling your emotional pain is the role and responsibility of your girlfriends. If you aren't getting enough emotional support and validation and nurturing in your life, then you need to get some more or get some better girlfriends and other female support systems in your life.

No heterosexual man can be an adequate emotional tampon. Even the greatest husband/boyfriend on earth fails miserably as an emotional tampon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Diezel]

In the same vein of you complaining about his lack of emotion, understand that he probably is doing the same about your onset of too much emotion.

 

If you two are arguing and all of a sudden you break down into "hold me" mode, sometimes that transition is tough for a man.

 

Also, if this is how he is with family and friends, he isn't going to "understand" this. It's who he is. It's like trying to explain to a blind person what the color red is. He might say he understands but he doesn't, because this is how he copes when you break down.

 

It's funny because you are adamant about how he needs to understand how you are, but you don't seem to have the same leeway about him and understand this is who he is, regardless of how many times you tell him.

 

You two have been together for 6 years. It's not going to change.

[oldshirt]

I need comfort when I cry - all my anger is gone, I no longer want to argue, I just need to be held. I have told him this NUMEROUS times over the six years we've been together. I don't even need him to say anything.

 

 

 

 

 

I do want to address this a little more because there are some things he can do that will take some of the pressure off of both of you.

 

 

His role in your emotional well being as a boyfriend can be summed up in 6 words - "cheer the heros. Boo the villians."

OK so what that means if you come home all exited and on Cloud Nine because your boss gave you a promotion and a big raise, your BF should say, "Wow, that's great Honey!! You have worked really hard and accomplished a lot of good things lately and your boss did the right thing by recognizing your efforts and giving you more responsibility!!!"

 

 

See, he cheered the heros.

 

 

Conversely, if you come home all sad and irritated and angry because you saw some gal sneering at your brand new shoes in the check out line at the grocery store, he should say - "Oh, like that old bitty would even know what a great pair of shoes are. I bet she'd wear flip flops to a funeral and not even bother to get a pedicure."

 

 

See, he boo'd the villain.

 

 

And in regards to just holding you and not saying a thing, I think that is a reasonable thing for him to do and a reasonable request for you to ask him to do.

 

 

However when he does it, please appreciate that he is doing it for you and that it is something that he is going out of his comfort zone and out of his natural inclination to do. If he does it, it means he does care and he is trying to be there for you and to help.

 

 

Don't judge him harshly if he is doing it but it appears uncomfortable for him.

 

 

If you want someone that is going to actually feeling your pain and be able to understand it and relate to it personally and will be able to naturally be able to nuture you and validate you and support you innately and naturally without feeling awkward and uncomfortable about it, you are going to need to get a girlfriend to fulfill that role.

 

 

Keep the roles and responsibilities of the people in your life straight. Don't ask your girlfriends to unclog your toilet and don't ask your boyfriend to be your emotional tampon.

[starglider]

I actually agree with the men when reading their responses. It is true that men and women are hard wired differently and part of a great attraction is when your feminine side is complimented well by his masculinity.

 

Getting a close girlfriend or therapist to talk with about the emotional stuff may be a better approach. It doesn't sound like there are other major problems other than this issue.

 

And those "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" type of books can be useful to understand men more ... their need to retreat to the cave, etc.

 

So listen to the fellows is my revised take on this.

[stillafool]

Well I'm a woman and not very emotional at all. I get very uncomfortable around highly emotional people. It would drive me up the wall if someone was constantly crying and making me hold them. I wouldn't know how to respond. Your bf must love you alot if he is willing to put up with it.

[Satu]

*But...I have TOLD him many times what I need from him. Should I be understanding, and accept that this is just 'how he is' ? Or should he realize how important this is to me?

 

You need to learn ways of modulating and regulating your emotions.

 

When babies cry they can't stop, because they don't know how to. Mum or Dad has to soothe them, so they can stop. Eventually they learn how to do it for themselves.

 

You need to learn about self-soothing and self-calming behaviours which you can adopt and use.

 

Start today.

[lollipopspot]

You need to learn ways of modulating and regulating your emotions.

 

When babies cry they can't stop, because they don't know how to. Mum or Dad has to soothe them, so they can stop. Eventually they learn how to do it for themselves.

 

You need to learn about self-soothing and self-calming behaviours which you can adopt and use.

 

Agreed. I'm a sensitive person too, OP, but I don't cry and get hysterical when I'm trying to work something out with someone.

 

whenever we argue and I cry, he shuts down and closes himself off. It always turns into me becoming near hysterical because I am not getting the comfort that I need (my anxiety kicks in here)

[Satu]

Agreed. I'm a sensitive person too, OP, but I don't cry and get hysterical when I'm trying to work something out with someone.

 

I'm very sensitive too, but this is my self-penned motto which I live by:

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The 'less than best,' I work on in my own time."

It took me some time to learn how to do that, but it works well for me.

Edited May 2, 2015 by Satu

[jellydog]

Thank you to everyone who was kind with their replies. I'm new here and found a couple of things said in replies to be a bit harsh and rude, but I am always open and willing to see a different perspective, and I'm sure that is just what everyone is trying to give me. Thank you for that

 

I know how different men and women are, and I am not trying to turn my boyfriend into a girlfriend. I just know that it's possible for men to be sensitive, because I know quite a few personally who are, while still maintaining their tire-changing, toilet-unclogging manliness I think that's just called being a decent human being. I love J to the ends of the earth and there is nothing I would not do for him. I consider myself extremely lucky in the girlfriend department as it is pretty much my one and only complaint about our relationship.

 

I would like to touch on something, just to add. The reason that this is a fairly large issue for me is due entirely to my anxiety disorder. I have been on a slew of medication since I was fifteen. I am also Bi Polar type 2. Everyone in the world experiences anxiety and stress, but when it's a disorder, it's all-consuming Normal every day things can be literally terrifying for me. J is wonderful for supporting me and being understanding of it, but he does not do well I have a panic attack, and that is when I need him the most. When I experience an attack I cannot breathe, and I often throw up. I sweat and see spots in my vision, have excruciating chest pain and it feels as though I am going to die. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. It may seem a silly thing to have a 'panic attack' over, but an argument that turns bad can trigger that in me. It starts out as only crying, but as he continues to ignore me and sit there in angry silence (or even worse, leave the room) the bad wiring in my brain that's responsible for my disorder puts all sorts of ridiculous thoughts in my head. "He doesn't love you! He hates you. He's going to leave. You're a stupid failure." etc. Because this feeling is SO horrible, I just need physical comfort. No words, no apologies.

 

I have wonderful girlfriends and family members who I turn to for my emotional needs outside of my relationship. I am just wondering what I could go about saying to make this the compromise. I don't expect him to hold me for four hours while I wail and drip snot all over him! Lol. Just calm me down and we can be apart for a few hours until we've both settled and can return calmly to the conversation.

 

Replies here have helped me see that yes, it is a big deal for him. Maybe it is akin to my anxiety, having to comfort someone when it is something that makes him so uncomfortable. I need to be happy with the fact that he does it at all, when he does.

[BC1980]

I would like to touch on something, just to add. The reason that this is a fairly large issue for me is due entirely to my anxiety disorder. I have been on a slew of medication since I was fifteen. I am also Bi Polar type 2. Everyone in the world experiences anxiety and stress, but when it's a disorder, it's all-consuming Normal every day things can be literally terrifying for me. J is wonderful for supporting me and being understanding of it, but he does not do well I have a panic attack, and that is when I need him the most. When I experience an attack I cannot breathe, and I often throw up. I sweat and see spots in my vision, have excruciating chest pain and it feels as though I am going to die. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. It may seem a silly thing to have a 'panic attack' over, but an argument that turns bad can trigger that in me. It starts out as only crying, but as he continues to ignore me and sit there in angry silence (or even worse, leave the room) the bad wiring in my brain that's responsible for my disorder puts all sorts of ridiculous thoughts in my head. "He doesn't love you! He hates you. He's going to leave. You're a stupid failure." etc. Because this feeling is SO horrible, I just need physical comfort. No words, no apologies.

 

It's difficult to be with someone who has bipolar disorder. Probably more difficult for him than he lets on. If he isn't there for you during an anxiety attack, this probably won't work out in the long run. He probably isn't the guy for you, and you need someone who compliments you differently. Honestly, mental illness is a deal breaker for a lot of couples. I'm being realistic with you here. I'm not saying it's fair because those were the cards you were dealt. I'm just saying that the majority of people want to be with someone who is emotionally stable. It's not your fault, but it's just the way it is.

 

I think there is hope though since you've made it 6 years, but you'd probably need couple's counseling to work on these issues. Otherwise, the entire situation is going to get worse. It's not going to get better on its own or with only you working on the issue. It takes both parties.

[Mr. Lucky]

I need to be happy with the fact that he does it at all, when he does.

 

Probably your answer right there. Appreciating your partner's strengths is different than expecting them to somehow address your weaknesses. Emphasize what you have with him, it's a whole lot more productive and enjoyable than focusing on what's missing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't know why people wait around longer than a few years for change, let alone six...that's just dreaming at that point.

 

This guy is a few light years away from ever being on the level you want him to be. When you get emotional, he shuts down and wants to pull away, he wants to retreat or avoid the situation, you're messing with his balance...and he doesn't know what to do, what to say, or how to handle the situation...if anything he gets anxious and stressed out the more emotional you become and then agitated and then there starts a fight

 

He doesn't know how to deal with your emotional state, and he doesn't understand how your personal issues affect you. It seems out of control to him, he doesn't gain the understanding because he can't get there emotionally himself, and furthermore he doesn't have that within him...he doesn't know how, and likely, doesn't want to know how to get there.

 

You're going to have to deal with the situation the way it is if you want to stay with this guy, and you love him and all of that crap. If you otherwise have a pretty good relationship and you are happy, I wouldn't get greedy with this. You should try to do your best to resolve these emotions with family/friends and someone who understands you and is willing to get you...because it isn't going to be this guy.

 

All you're going to do is endlessly fight with the guy, it will get you nowhere and he will pull away even more over time because you don't understand him.

 

Sorry, most men aren't the most emotionally intuitive guys in the world and from the looks of it, I'm not sure that's going to change...although masculinity seems to be dying out as well, which would make you think they're becoming more sensitive not just more like pussies...kind of a lose-lose for women, oh well!

[SolG]

It's difficult to be with someone who has bipolar disorder. Probably more difficult for him than he lets on. If he isn't there for you during an anxiety attack, this probably won't work out in the long run. He probably isn't the guy for you, and you need someone who compliments you differently. Honestly, mental illness is a deal breaker for a lot of couples. I'm being realistic with you here. I'm not saying it's fair because those were the cards you were dealt. I'm just saying that the majority of people want to be with someone who is emotionally stable. It's not your fault, but it's just the way it is.

 

I think there is hope though since you've made it 6 years, but you'd probably need couple's counseling to work on these issues. Otherwise, the entire situation is going to get worse. It's not going to get better on its own or with only you working on the issue. It takes both parties.

 

Hi OP. I take it you have a medical team; physchiatrist, psychologist and coordinating GP? Do you include your partner in your treatment as appropriate as an integral part of your management team and plan? Are you both aware of your patterns and symptoms; triggers, prodromes, and learnt dealing strategies and how to most effectively apply them? Do you--with his assistance and support--monitor your medication, ensure optimum nutrition and daily exercise, and adhere to a routine? All these factors are incredibly important in the management of Bipolar (and the often comorbid anxiety).

 

I hope you answered yes to these questions. Because with the right treatment, hard work and discipline, these mental illnesses are eminently manageable. They need not control you, nor your expression of emotion (well, not all the time). And the more your partner understands what's going on and how to constructively help, the better it will be for you both and your relationship.

 

Good luck!

[spanz1]

depression is often cured, or at least minimized, by doing 30 minutes of aerobic exercise EVERY DAY. are you getting that much exercise?

 

It is not unusual for two to not be matched emotionally. but your getting hysterical about his less than caring listening to you HAS TO STOP. he will not put up with much more or that, and the cause is most likely just in your head. If the exercise does not work , see a psychiatrist, or take up yoga, or something to help.

[Diezel]

When I experience an attack I cannot breathe, and I often throw up. I sweat and see spots in my vision, have excruciating chest pain and it feels as though I am going to die. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. It may seem a silly thing to have a 'panic attack' over, but an argument that turns bad can trigger that in me. It starts out as only crying, but as he continues to ignore me and sit there in angry silence (or even worse, leave the room) the bad wiring in my brain that's responsible for my disorder puts all sorts of ridiculous thoughts in my head. "He doesn't love you! He hates you. He's going to leave. You're a stupid failure." etc. Because this feeling is SO horrible, I just need physical comfort. No words, no apologies.

 

Now imagine being a person who has NEVER dealt with this on a personal level, who couldn't possibly understand what you are going through no matter how much you are told, and that right in the middle of a fight where there is plenty of heat... the other person wants you to hold them at a point where the last thing you really want to do is have intimate contact with them.

 

Not everyone can flip that switch off from angry to comforting in 3 seconds.

 

It doesn't work that way for everyone.

 

I think there is a lot of "Well, this is what I am dealing with, so HE needs to understand this." but I don't see it the other way around.

 

Yes, you can turn to your friends and family. But they don't have the constant contact and intimate relationship that you've had with your boyfriend for the past 6 years. Any arguments you have with them are on an entirely DIFFERENT level than with your boyfriend.

 

There is a completely different set of parameters coming into play here.

 

The point is, at this place in time of your relationship... he is NOT going to change, he is NOT going to suddenly start understanding. All those other men you know that are in tune with this sensitive side and are "decent human beings" as you put it, they don't have to deal with this side of you, so it's not a fair assessment as to whether they are in tune with their emotions or not.

 

YOU need to make a decision about what you really want. If J is not fulfilling your emotional needs, then you need to stop expecting him to and move on.

[stillafool]

 

J is wonderful for supporting me and being understanding of it, but he does not do well I have a panic attack, and that is when I need him the most. When I experience an attack I cannot breathe, and I often throw up. I sweat and see spots in my vision, have excruciating chest pain and it feels as though I am going to die. It's pretty much the worst feeling in the world. It may seem a silly thing to have a 'panic attack' over, but an argument that turns bad can trigger that in me. It starts out as only crying, but as he continues to ignore me and sit there in angry silence (or even worse, leave the room) the bad wiring in my brain that's responsible for my disorder puts all sorts of ridiculous thoughts in my head. "He doesn't love you! He hates you. He's going to leave. You're a stupid failure." etc. Because this feeling is SO horrible, I just need physical comfort. No words, no apologies.

 

 

 

May I ask how did you handle these emotions before you met J?

 

What do you do at work when you experience these emotions and who helps you?

[BC1980]

Yes, you can turn to your friends and family. But they don't have the constant contact and intimate relationship that you've had with your boyfriend for the past 6 years. Any arguments you have with them are on an entirely DIFFERENT level than with your boyfriend.

 

There is a completely different set of parameters coming into play here.

 

The point is, at this place in time of your relationship... he is NOT going to change, he is NOT going to suddenly start understanding. All those other men you know that are in tune with this sensitive side and are "decent human beings" as you put it, they don't have to deal with this side of you, so it's not a fair assessment as to whether they are in tune with their emotions or not.

 

I agree with all of this. We're not talking about a guy who shuts her down if she wants to complain about a bad day at work. We're talking about a serious mental illness that is chronic. Heck, I don't know how I would deal with it if I had a partner who had bipolar disorder. This is tough stuff for both parties involved. It makes me sad though because OP can't control a lot of it. It's not her fault that she has bipolar, but it's not his fault either.

 

Someone else mentioned why you would wait 6 years for someone to change. I couldn't agree more. Things don't just change on their own. He is the way he is, and we honestly can't blame him. I get super nervous when people show extreme emotions, so I can understand where he is coming from. I don't think I could handle it either because I'm just so laid back that I don't know what kind of capacity I would have for someone with an actual anxiety attack. Maybe the two of you just aren't meant to be in it for the long haul.

[spanz1]

I missed that. is the OP clinically bipolar? I have never heard online of a marriage that lasted when one was bipolar.