I Just Need Some Help... Desperate......

[psk167]

I have got a real problem that I need some help on. I have been with a girl for about 3 years now, we recently moved in together about 6 mo ago.

 

Last week she came home from being out for the night and woke me up to tell me that "I feel like we should date other people, I feel like Iam missing out on something" When we talked it over she explained that she was not out on a date that night (I feel that this is not true because the DAY before we had a wonderful night out, it feels like this was out of the blue..

 

Well we talked about it and we decided to work it out, that lasted about 7 days when she said "We need to split up so I can have some space , you are too "controlling" that made me really mad. When I Asked her why she thought that she replied "Because you always have to know where I am" the only thing I do is if she is leaving I say "Whats up with you tonight? or so where are you headed?" as a curtesy thing. But her real problem is that I didn't like she has a male friend she goes out with one on one,... I NEVER EVER told her NO don't do that, but in high school about 3 mo into our relationship I found out this guy (the same guy) was interested in her. and told her him or me (whcih was wrong at the time but she told me she stopped talking to him (that was not true) all the sudden she wants to hang out with him, I said ok nothing more nothing less and when she asked if i had a problem with it, I said "well Im not ok with it but go ahead" ... so that is when she decided to split up so she could "go out with friends and not have me feel "jealous" I tried to explain that any guy would not be 100% ok with it but she went off that I had a problem and needed to fix it before we could progress in our relationship... she says it will be just a little bit and we will be back together , she thanks me everyday for giving her the "space" she needs btw we are living together still..... but I need advice on how to feel better about this supposedly Im doing everyhthing right to show her Im not jealous which leads me to believe we are on our way to getting back together but could she be doing things with this guy? (if they are more then friends for now I can never get back with her, and when i ask her that she just replys "thats not giving me space now is it, look you ve been doing good keep it up"

 

whenever I ask her something she takes it as "Controlling her computer time, tv time, free time, use of the kitchen, " it could be as innocent as "can I have the computer now?" and she comes back with "WHAT NOW I CANT HAVE THE COMPUTER WHENEVER I WANT?" "GOD YOUR SO CONTROLLING!" ... this sounds so one sided because it is and has been... please help I jsut need advice

[d'Arthez]

It does not sound too good. Clearly the "controlling" is just an excuse, if things are as you describe.

Either she has become very self-centered in the past days, or she desperately tries to convince herself that you are not her true love (if that is what she believes in). By making up excuses she makes it justifiable for herself to have an attitude towards you.

 

It might be the case, that something happened on the night before she gave you the controlling speech. Maybe she and her friend have professed their love for one another, who knows? The only option you have is to stick to your guns, and give her her freedom. And don't expect her to return for 2 reasons:

1. She might not return

2. By making yourself happy, and doing things you want, you are building for better relationships in the future.

 

She may have fallen out of love in the past months, without you noticing it. But then, you can't force her to be with you. It would be lame if she did not offer more than a "controlling" excuse. But then again, the abovementioned idea of moving on, without expecting her to return in a relationship with you is the best thing you can do.

[billybadass36]

Three years is a long time to be together. I think she wants to see what else is out there. If you and she work it out she's always going to be wondering what else is out there...thinking the whole time that it was you that robbed her of her years of youth to experience new things and see what is out there for her. If you concede, understand how she's feeling, and acquiesce into her wishes, there's a chance that after she sees what all is out there that you're the one for her. if there's one thing I've learned in my life it's that you can't make someone else love you. All you can do is do your best to treat her well and respect her wishes. If she wants to, she'll come around later. If not, you've moved on with your own life. I know it sucks b/c you've invested 3 years into this relationship, but the vibe I'm getting is that she's going to start looking around (if she hasn't already) for something new, and you're best off by just respecting her wishes. Don't try to "make her" see things your way or understand that she's making a mistake. If it's a mistake, she'll realize it soon enough on her own. If it's her place, start looking for a new pad. If it's yours, ask her to start looking for a new place.

[psk167]

That is true thank you for your quick replies............ I guess I do need to heal because its been about a month and I still feel like crap, as hard as it is I will try to move on and not expect her back (definantly not what I have been doing) if I even want her back right? :-( ....who am I kidding ;-l thanks for your help hopefully I can move on from this without further damage

[Cecelius]

Based on the chronology, she was young went she went into it and still is now.

 

 

I will also say that among mature people, those in committed relationships do not go out on dates with members of the opposite sex. Additionally, when your SO is irritated that you have an interest in knowing where she's going to be, she's not ready for a long term relationship. She's WAY too young and probably too excited about the idea of other men paying attention to her.

 

I would also bet good money that something happened that night she gave you that speech about seeing other people.

 

I frankly think it's done for, and that you need to work on your exit (maybe moving in together was too much). When a woman says "space" she usually means that you have some value (as she gets to dictate) but that she wants freedom to investigate other people -- she has at least been upfront with you on that.

[yeah right]

When she says she wants to date other people, or wants her space, she is losing interest in you and she is buying time. She hasn't done it yet, but she is waiting for reasons to build enough resentment towards you to tell you it's over. Your best bet, leave early, like the first day.

 

It's a head game. She wants you around so you do enough stuff (increasing amount of confrontations and accusations sound familiar?) that she get's to the point she can leave you for good and not have doubts about what could have been. Dude, there is no "could have been. You're no longer a challenge to her and shes gone.

 

Move on and don't give her the chance to play you. Get over it and move on. She has. She'll lie all the way to the end if you hang around with things like "you're so patient, I appreciate that". BS, you're getting dumped. If she was mature she would not do this. Keep in mind, the next guy will get the same treatment and the guy before you did too. Keep this in mind: if she is dating someone when she meets you and she leaves him and goes with you, you'll be treated the same way on your way out.

 

Truth

[Spectre]

This is getting old. Ladies- you should NOT be hanging out with guys one on one when you have a bf. You should NOT be hanging out with guys that have crushes on you if you have a bf. If you have a bf, yet still feel compelled to do this? dump him

[Darkwall]

It sucks and it hurts. That is what dating and getting to know each other is all about. It either goes all the way or you discover you're just not for each other. She's not a horrible person she just is going about it in an immature way. You deserve better than that. Remember it's not your fault, it's not you. You're just not for each other. When you meet the right person you will realise that and forget all about this heart ache. I agree with everyones comments above. Now it's time for you to take action and not let her make an ass of you by stringing you along. Get out now while you still have your dignity.