Good friends are breaking up, and I'm in the middle

[Firesqueak]

I have two very good friends who have been dating for two years. Their relationship is on the rocks, and both are filling my head with "I'm unhappy because..." and then they blame eachother for the problems. One friend keeps saying that he's not sure that he's in love with his girlfriend, that he sees her as more of a friend. He blames the fact that his feelings are changing on her depression.

 

He says, "I always try to look at the bright side of things." He also says that she does not listen to his advice (she is younger by 7 years) and keeps on making the same mistakes again, then complaining when things go badly.

 

The other says she wants kids, a family, and her problem is that he doesn't really ever want children. She says that her boyfriend is not there fore her, and this bothers her, because she is going through a hard time with her family. She says that he is not willing to compromise on the family thing, and that it has to be his way, or the highway.

 

They are growing apart, I can see what they are both doing "wrong," but I am afraid to give too much advice, because I have seen the folly of getting in between them in this situation.

 

I really want them both to be happy, and I'm really not sure what to say.

 

Is there a way I can be there for them both? LIke...maybe if I don't sit and carry tales between the two?

 

Or, should I just say, "I love you both, dearly, and I cannot get in the middle of this?"

[d'Arthez]

If you want them both to be happy, give them your honest perspective on the relationship they have. It sounds likely that it will deteriorate further down the line, with all the pain that can come with that.

 

It is no easy situation, but because of the differences in opinion and goals in life this relationship will not work for either of them. The best thing for them would be to end the relationsip, if possible on the best terms; if you can talk with them in one way or the other, and convince them of the imbalances in the relationship you might succeed.

However, if you do not say a thing, their relationship will probably deteriorate even further, which can also lead to the loss of a friend.

 

Tough call to make, but it is your decision.

[Firesqueak]

I can tell that you have a good idea of my predicimant.

 

I HAVE gone as far as to tell the boyfriend to not keep her hanging for a long period of time. I said, "It's just not fair to string someone along."

 

I have also told the girl to, "take care of yourself. Don't make long term plans based around someone who is not sure "how they love you." (basically his exact words)

[d'Arthez]

What were the reactions of bf and gf to your words? These reactions are important. If the guy just shrugged his shoulders, but did nothing to improve the relationship, what would that speech have gained? Nothing much, and the same holds true with regards to the gf. They come and complain about their SO for months and months, until one of them musters the courage to break up.

 

You might need to be a bit more straightforward. And it can be hard at first, because you will feel as if you are destroying the relationship, even when that is absolutely not the case. Try to find out what keeps them both in the relationship. Sometimes people prefer being in a relationship that goes nowhere, instead of being single.

 

You can also let things run their natural course, but you know what will happen. You can profess for both the bf and gf concern about where things are going. Even though it are ultimately their problems, they have to deal with, you as a friend have a certain obligation to tell things like that.

 

Either way, it is not easy, regardless of the course you choose.

[Firesqueak]

actually, when I spoke to the guy, he was like, "Well, I really want to fix things, and I'm doing my best."

 

So, I think he'll at least try.

 

The real big problem is that they're getting ready to make a big move together, and I think they're both really stressed out due to that, and other factors.

 

The girl works and goes to school. Both are full time.

 

Both have told me that if things don't improve by the time the move rolls around that things will be over between them, so at least they have set a tentative time schedule of hopeful improvements.

 

The thing is that the guy isn't willing to compromise on things. I mean...he just doesn't want kids, so I understand that you can't really compromise on that. Babies are so much work! Even one baby...

 

And the girl just really wants a family. All of her friends are getting pregnant and married. The thing is, I've known her boyfriend for a VERY long time. He's in his late 20's, and he's just not a family man. He has all of these goals he wants for himself, and a family is just not one of them.

 

The girlfriend thinks he's very selfish for not compromising.

 

Personally, here is my opinion on what is going on-

 

They want way different things out of life, and it's not going to work out for them, as much as I hate to see them end it. They're both telling me the same thing about how the other doesn't want to compromise. Their outlook on life is totally different.

 

The guy basically has told the girl what he wants out of life. She's just having a hard time understanding it, and letting go. They both want things to go back to the simplicity of when they were just starting to go out, but I don't think that can be achieved.

 

After all, the girl was only 17 when they first started dating. Now she's 20. She's definately grow up alot. She used to go along with whatever he wanted, because he was older and wiser. Now, she's making her own decisions, and forming her own opinions on what life should be like...and they're clashing now with what he wants.

 

*shrugs*

 

I just don't think she can go back to doing everything his way. People grow apart rather then together, sometimes. I just hate to see it happen.