Unsure if coworker has feelings for me (long)

[Betterangels]

For 14 years now I've worked with a woman that has been a very close friend. We have shared many intimate details of our lives and know a great deal about each other. I am divorced while she is married. However, a couple of months ago she made the decision to get a divorce, but nothing is finalized. They are still living in the same house, as neither can immediately afford to find another place.

 

Let me give you some background. As the thread title implies, we met at work. At the time we were both married, and we both became good friends. There was nothing there other than friendship for either of us. By this time, my marriage was pretty much over. She ended up taking a transfer to another location, and we lost touch. It was during this time my divorce was finalized. She and her husband moved back to the region and she got her old job back where I worked. She and her husband were very happy for many years. They have three children. He withheld some pertinent medical information from her. He has some emotional/mental issues that he is receiving treatment for, but he seems to be getting progressively worse, in the sense that he still has episodes to the point where his medications have to be adjusted. She has pretty much taken on the responsibilities of both parents as he seems further and further withdrawn.

 

Over the years we began to grow closer. She would confide in me the details of the ups and downs of her life, and I slowly began to realize that I was developing feelings for her. However, she never showed any indication that she returned them, so I kept them to myself. I think she sensed it, however, as she would often talk about things between her and her husband, including some of the most intimate sexual details. A few years after her first child was born, she was having some problems with her husband and ended up having a one-night stand with another man. I urged them to get counseling, but they never did. However, she seemed to want to rebuild her marriage, and worked to do so, and I supported her in that.

 

As her husband's mental condition deteriorated, I began to wonder if she wasn't developing feelings for me as well. Our talks continued to grow more intimate, to the point where I knew information that most people would think only a husband should know. Again, however, I never tried to act on anything since I wasn't sure what, if anything, she wanted. I had to undergo a bypass operation a few years ago, and while she visited me in the hospital I had family members who helped take care of me during my recovery. As I slowly worked my way back to work, we were scheduled to eat lunch together most of the time. One day I mentioned to her that I was having some difficulty opening a package of crackers and she said "I'm glad then I didn't leave my husband for you if you're that weak." It made me angry, so I replied to her "if you and I were together, I'd give you the best orgasm you ever had" which I know was a dumb thing to say, but her only response to that was "you went there." I replied that she had started it. Now, I would think that many women who heard that would start to distance themselves from that person as much as possible, yet she never did. Indeed, we continued to grow closer.

 

My schedule changed, which meant we didn't work together as often, so we didn't have the same opportunities to talk. She often complained to me when we did talk that we couldn't see each other as much as we once had. Another job change, and we saw each other even less, which she didn't like either.

 

A few months ago, I was having some issues with my job performance that was causing me stress. We happened to work together one day, so I told her that if things continued to go as they were, she wouldn't have to deal with me any longer. Her response? "That's not how I wanted it to happen." That seemed odd to me, given that she had earlier complained to me that we hadn't been able to work together as much. I then told her that either the issue would get me or my heart would (I have a very strong gallows sense of humor) to which she replied "now you're playing the heart card." Again, I was unsure as to what that meant.

 

I began to wonder, as her marriage seemed to be getting more stressful, if she was developing feelings for me. I noticed her getting tense around me during the times we did work together, but I also knew that given the amount of stress she was undergoing, she just might be upset about that. I began to notice things, some small, others bigger, that has continued to make me wonder. Listed, they are:

 

1. On occasion, she would remember things about our past that I had completely forgot. For example, she was talking to her oldest daughter while I was there and mentioned to her that when she was pregnant, I told her she was glowing. This was about 11 years before that time. She also mentioned when another coworker brought in her grandbaby, and I was being silly and playing with the child, how she remembered me doing the same thing to her daughter. Both times the comments seemed random and not really related to anything else.

 

2. Every morning we have a meeting before work starts. When we work together, she always stands next to me at the meeting. Most people there stand in the same place out of habit, but if the meeting shifts to another part of the office, she always stands next to me there. One morning, she moved from one spot to where I was standing.

 

3. When I looked up various body language signals, I noticed she sometimes will exhibit different ones. I have noticed her exhibiting preening behavior (although not every time) like tugging at her jacket sleeves, running her fingers through her hair, etc. From time to time when we are standing together she will point her body toward me, but there are other times when she won't. She also crosses and uncrosses her arms.

 

4. Lately, I've noticed that she no longer mentions her husband to me. Even after she decided to leave him, she would still talk about him. The divorce isn't what one would call acrimonious, as they want to make things as easy on their children as possible, but for about a month or so longer, she hasn't mentioned him to me. We worked together on Valentine's Day weekend, and talked for a while before work, and the only thing she said to me about that weekend was she was tired after staying up and watching tv. I overheard her tell another coworker that she had gone out to dinner with her husband but that she had to force him to go out. To this day, she has talked about him with other coworkers, but not me.

 

5. I can always make her laugh. No matter what I say, regardless of how funny or unfunny it may be, she laughs. Sometimes, it's polite laughter, but other times I really crack her up. I'm sure she doesn't laugh that much at home.

 

6. What has really got me wondering is the amount of prolonged eye contact we seem to share. This only started a few weeks ago, but one day I was working in another part of the office, and she had to come to that part to look over a project. I was too busy to acknowledge her presence. As she started to walk away, I looked in her direction and noticed that she stopped, turned around slowly, and looked at me. When our eyes met, she immediately turned back around and walked away. From that point on, every time we have a conversation, our eyes are locked on each other for at least ten seconds or more at a time. She has started to break the eye contact somewhat, but always returns to looking at me.

 

The only thing I've wondered about is a lack of touching. I understand that if a woman has feelings for you, she might brush her hand on your back, or on your arm, to show that interest. While this woman and I have hugged a few times (once when my dog died, once when I got an article published, and a couple of times when a family member was ill) she has not done that. I will mention that during one of our meetings, she moved her hand over toward me a couple of times as if she was going to try to touch me, but then pulled it back. I recently tried an experiment at a recent meeting. I patted her on the shoulder in a totally non-threatening way and when I did, her body tensed up and she moved a step away from me. However, just a few minutes later we were laughing and joking with each other like everything was just fine. I wonder if she feels self-conscious about touching at work, as some coworkers have commented on how we are close.

 

I've never been very good at reading women's intentions or signals, but from everything I've researched, my gut tells me she has feelings for me. I realize that until she gets her divorce, nothing will happen, and even then she needs time to process things. But I can't help but wonder, does she have feelings for me?

Edited May 2, 2015 by Betterangels

[preraph]

Well, you can't be expected to be psychic. But what you can do is create opportunities to ask her out without it being too outside any potention comfort zone. Now she's divorced, say, "So when are you having a big divorce party?" You know, just joking around. She will probably say something like she wasn't planning to, and then you can say, "Really? Well, then at least let me take you out for a celebratory drink on Friday." If she acts down and like it's nothing to celebrate, you'll at least know she's not ready to move on and date. If she takes you up on it, you will have some time away from work to talk and get a feel on how she's doing.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is a VERY long relationship and it definitely means something. Wow.

 

I had some trouble following the timeline so I'm not sure if she is currently divorced from what you said.

 

Your recent advances towards touch were met with resistance - not a great sign, but is that because she isn't divorced yet, or because she doesn't want that from you?

 

You have way too much history to just let this go without talking to her. You need to tell her how you feel, and get her to tell you how she feels even if there are currently barriers. There is no other way you will know - none of us here can know. Only she knows.

 

It's worth the risk. You have been close for way too many years to just play guessing games now. Talk to her.

[Betterangels]

Thanks for the input. She has decided to divorce, but nothing is final.

 

As for the touch, I think her reaction stemmed from there being other people around. In other situations where I've touched her shoulder (non-sexually), her reaction was different. I think I should add that she generally isn't a "touchy-feely" kind of person to anyone.

 

Looking at what I wrote in the original post, I think much of the reason I'm hesitant is because I obviously don't want things to change if she doesn't return my feelings, but a bigger issue is that I've invested so much emotional energy into this. The changes to our friendship might come from me instead of her.

 

Thanks again.