Need help or advice on what is happening to my marriage.

[MrBigglesworth]

I guess i should start from the beginning. I met my wife while I was still in the Navy. Good thing was the ship I was stationed on entered dry dock so no deployments or sea time. I met her through a friend. we dated for the year and then she asked me to move in. Things were going great and all. The first 3 years of marriage was great, really no problems asides from the occasional disagreement on finances which is normal in my opinion. I worked full time and went to school full time, and she worked full time also so money wasnt that big of a deal. But this last year and half of marriage has been a totally reverse of what the first 3 were like.

 

I mean we argue about every little thing nowadays it seems like. Ranging from you need to make more money you need to clean the place up. Granted sometimes i come home from work and I am totally exhausted where i just want to relax for a hour or two. < I work from 5 am - roughly 3p.m.> I roughly make around 30k a year not including what i get from the college fund i put in for while in the navy. I use to to be real good at keeping up with the place and getting everything done that she wanted to keep her happy, and I was happy when she was happy. But everytime i ask her to help out with some things she gives me the third degree like i dont like love her or maybe she should find someone else to take of her. She has brought up divorce a couple times last year. Right now i feel so crappy emotionally and I am glad we dont have kids right now. I literally given up so many things to keep her happy. Gave up being a Firefighter because she didnt like the fact I wasnt there all day and nite 2-3 days out of a week.

 

This is what is confusing the heck out of me. Before I met her and during the first couple years of marriage she wasnt so materialistic or so controlling. Sure she had maybe one or two expensive things like a Louis Vuitton hand bag and some other high dollar clothes that her family gotten her. But over the past year and a half she has spent like maybe 15k in freaking hand bags, and then freaks out when I needed a new pair of shoes for work. Why in the world is she spending so much money for for stuff that just sits in the closet. As for the controlling part I mean I really cant do anything money wise or make any decisions in the house which sucks. Its pretty much her way only.

 

I love her to death but it seems she doesnt want to help me or the marriage out sometimes. I tried to talk to her about this at the beginning of the week and even suggested getting outside help. All she said was maybe we should call it quits in August. Thats when the lease is up where we live. Then she starts the guilt trip of me not loving her and how she wants to get a house and have a family. Am I the bad guy here? I really dont know what to do anymore, I am so emotionally drained I am ready to call it quits myself but not yet. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

[Yikes]

It sounds to me like the two of you are somewhat emotionally disconnected. I would suggest couples counselling and quick. Once the emotional connection is totally broken, I am told that you are pretty much dead in the water. (this certainly proved to be true in my case)

 

As far as her spending habits go, it could be the old "retail therapy" thing. Spending makes her feel better, but it's only a temporary fix. Her spending habits could also be a sign of depression. Everyone needs to be accountable for their actions and outlandish spending is surely not helping your situation any.

 

She needs to understand that you love her and you are prepared to do what it takes and that you'd feel better if she'd agree to some counselling before throwing in the towel. You need her to be not just your wife and lover but a "true partner". The two of you need to work together on this, it won't work if only one of you is really trying. Communication and total honesty are SO important.

 

Talk to her, but above all try to keep things positive.

 

Good luck.

Y

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

First off I'm sorry to hear this hunny.

Seems to me that she might be acting like this b/c she doesn't have the balls to leave you. Acting like this so YOU get fed up and leave. Does she work? I the house only hers? Why can't you make decisions? Are you the one buying all the handbags. If your the bread winner than you have to put your foot down. Tell her you don't work for handbags. The beginning of the relationship is always the best. Then people get comfy and change. If this is bothering you as as much as i think it is, the nest thing to do is be forward and tell her that your not going to be controlled by her anymore. Controlling people do not take this lightly but if it end up in divorce that you know that you wouldn't want to be in this marriage to begin with. You fell in love with the person she used to be, not what she's become. You have to be the one who wears the pants. Or at lease compromise on things 5/50. Good luck sweetie, this is never an easy situation.

[MrBigglesworth]

Thanks for the replies and advice. I will try to get her to go to counsiling definetly. Its so hard and disheartning when someone you loves dont want to try to put in the effort. It seems everytime I try to talk to her she avoids the questions and says, "So you think we should Divorce?"

 

<Does she work?>

 

Yea she works full time also. Which i dont understand why she is not helping out with the household stuff, I dont mind keeping up with the house just not on a everyday basis with no help from her whatsoever.

 

Boy wish I can look in a crystal ball and see this crap coming somtimes.

 

Thanks for your replies again.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah we all wish we would have had one of those............

 

Would have saved me a bunch of trouble.

[quankanne]

Boy wish I can look in a crystal ball and see this crap coming somtimes.

 

that'd slice through the poop quick, wouldn't it?

 

take heart, this is just part of getting "settled" into a relationship, where one or both parties start letting down their guard and sort of testing the water to see how strong the relationship really is. Also known as "the honeymoon's over" period.

 

when she starts being evasive by asking about a divorce tell her that isn't the issue/topic, such and such is, and that you would like to finish discussing the issue before taking on a new one. Or you can turn tables and reply, "i don't know – what do you think should happen?" Hopefully, that'll end the diversionary tactics and you can resume your conversation.

 

same thing applies when she starts trying to guilt you into responding a certain way. Just apply child psychology and let her know that X isn't the topic you two need to discuss but Y is. It's simplistic, yes, but often works to keep a conversation from derailing or taking a HUGE left turn.

 

as far as her getting in her comments about what she wants for y'alls future: remind her that in order to reach your goals, you have to set a plan and stick to it. And that means no blowing money on unnecessary items like a purse collection. Or buying something you've planned to purchase after you got certain things out of the way. Just make sure to stress that you are also planning to stick to the gameplan, so you understand what sacrifices she will be making to achieve your goal.

 

in the meantime, get hooked up with a relationship counsellor to help give y'all tools to work on the marriage with.

[MrBigglesworth]

yea we had a long talk last nite. Some parts were good some were bad. But she did try to avoid answering them by trying to switch the topic to her sister and her sister's problems at home. She told me she loved but I was more of a road block for some of the things she wants to accomplish in life. So I asked her what do you mean by a road block and she couldn't answer. still trying to figure out what she means will ask her again later on tonite. Sometimes i feel like calling my dad for advice, but i figure thats a bad idea due to the fact he had a nasty divorce a long long time ago.

 

She still doesnt want to go to counseling, but at least we are talking about our problems now which is good in my opinion. just got to keep her from trying to switch or avoid the questions i think is important.

 

Question for you ladies, what is it with the extremely high dollar purses like Louis Vuitton? Is she trying to impress someone or just getting em to show status? I have no clue on this one and the only answer I got was because I wanted it from the wife.

 

Thanks

[westernxer]

Originally posted by MrBigglesworth

...what is it with the extremely high dollar purses like Louis Vuitton?

 

She's likes money, plain and simple.

 

You've got trouble... she wants out.