Has anyone ever quantified...

[movingon45]

...the amount of time wasted in having the affair?

 

After I ended our affair because I was more invested I think and thus can't handle the breadcrumbs, while he can compartmentalize so easily, I suddenly have sooo much free time.

 

Suddenly, I no longer have to be glued to my iphone checking messages every minute. Suddenly I don't have to respond to some boring messages I have to say now, just to maintain the connection. When I think about those times I thought I could have done so much more with my life.

 

However, this sudden free time accounts for going back to the A I think, because now what can one do with those free times? The addiction kicks in, one misses the contact, and then it continues for some people.

[Popsicle]

If you're single you can date other men. If you're married you can focus on your husband.

[Fugu]

I think that what you've just described is probably the second main reason why I wouldn't ultimately want to have an affair. I won't lie - I've been turned on by other women since being married, and I don't think that is necessarily out of the ordinary. But it's never crossed my mind to actually try and kick-start something and turn fantasy into reality. The first reason is - and I mean this in all sincerity - I just couldn't do that to my wife -- at least not now. She's been too good to me, too loyal. I couldn't trash her loyalty and honor like that. But the other reason, and perhaps the ultimate one, is that affairs just require too much effort, and I'm too lazy to cover my tracks. Having an affair requires a lot of lying, a lot of covering. I might bullsh*t my wife about going to a bar on the way home from work once in a while -- telling her I was working on an assignment at work in stead -- but I couldn't look her in the eye knowing I gave myself to someone else. Moreover, I couldn't live a life guarding my phone, email, and whatever else.

[Popsicle]

I think that what you've just described is probably the second main reason why I wouldn't ultimately want to have an affair. I won't lie - I've been turned on by other women since being married, and I don't think that is necessarily out of the ordinary. But it's never crossed my mind to actually try and kick-start something and turn fantasy into reality. The first reason is - and I mean this in all sincerity - I just couldn't do that to my wife -- at least not now. She's been too good to me, too loyal. I couldn't trash her loyalty and honor like that. But the other reason, and perhaps the ultimate one, is that affairs just require too much effort, and I'm too lazy to cover my tracks. Having an affair requires a lot of lying, a lot of covering. I might bullsh*t my wife about going to a bar on the way home from work once in a while -- telling her I was working on an assignment at work in stead -- but I couldn't look her in the eye knowing I gave myself to someone else. Moreover, I couldn't live a life guarding my phone, email, and whatever else.

 

Good. Stay away from other women.

[still_an_Angel]

Was all that time wasted because it did not lead to the outcome that you wanted? Its like investing in something that looked promising but went down the wrong way. Then yes, all that time you spent waiting, checking, preparing for the time when it eventually becomes full time is wasted. But you can look at it as like any getting-to-know-you stage with a potential LTR, these relationships take time to build and really, whether its with a single guy or a committed guy, you may or may not get anything back from time that you invested.

 

 

On the bright side, now you have all that time to focus on things that you want to do, things that you didn't have time for because of somebody, or to be with somebody, but things that you want to do for yourself. Like if you're in a shooting club, sport club or social club, then now you can invest more time into that, maybe help out in a project to keep you really busy. Or, take up a new interest, like volunteering in a soup kitchen or doing a course in first aid, or signing up with a graffiti cleaning crew.

 

 

Time that you have given to the A has been and gone, you now move on to better things. Best of luck.

[norudder]

Loveshack has filled some of that empty time for me.

Not necessarily the healthiest alternative but still better than continuing the A.

[Poppy47]

Never wasted my time.

 

I refused to be glued to the mobile and laid down the rules for communication according to how much time I felt necessary.

 

Poppy.

[movingon45]

Was all that time wasted because it did not lead to the outcome that you wanted? Its like investing in something that looked promising but went down the wrong way. Then yes, all that time you spent waiting, checking, preparing for the time when it eventually becomes full time is wasted. But you can look at it as like any getting-to-know-you stage with a potential LTR, these relationships take time to build and really, whether its with a single guy or a committed guy, you may or may not get anything back from time that you invested.

 

 

On the bright side, now you have all that time to focus on things that you want to do, things that you didn't have time for because of somebody, or to be with somebody, but things that you want to do for yourself. Like if you're in a shooting club, sport club or social club, then now you can invest more time into that, maybe help out in a project to keep you really busy. Or, take up a new interest, like volunteering in a soup kitchen or doing a course in first aid, or signing up with a graffiti cleaning crew.

 

 

Time that you have given to the A has been and gone, you now move on to better things. Best of luck.

 

Good points! Thanks for responding.

[minimariah]

I think that what you've just described is probably the second main reason why I wouldn't ultimately want to have an affair. I won't lie - I've been turned on by other women since being married, and I don't think that is necessarily out of the ordinary. But it's never crossed my mind to actually try and kick-start something and turn fantasy into reality. The first reason is - and I mean this in all sincerity - I just couldn't do that to my wife -- at least not now. She's been too good to me, too loyal. I couldn't trash her loyalty and honor like that. But the other reason, and perhaps the ultimate one, is that affairs just require too much effort, and I'm too lazy to cover my tracks. Having an affair requires a lot of lying, a lot of covering. I might bullsh*t my wife about going to a bar on the way home from work once in a while -- telling her I was working on an assignment at work in stead -- but I couldn't look her in the eye knowing I gave myself to someone else. Moreover, I couldn't live a life guarding my phone, email, and whatever else.

 

shouldn't the MAIN and BIGGEST reason for not cheating on your wife be the simple fact that you love your wife and don't want or need any other women?

 

i don't know, man... i would rather have 10 different affairs than to stay faithful only because i'm too lazy to cover up my tracks & because my spouse didn't do anything bad or wrong YET. that's f*cked up.

[cocorico]

Didn't waste any time. I did exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, around the contraints (job, kids, etc) that adults have. If you feel your time is being wasted, rather than well-spent, you're in the wrong R - whatever label you attach to the R.

 

If you felt the time was well-spent at the time, but in retrospect consider it a waste - well, that's revisionism.

[lana-banana]

shouldn't the MAIN and BIGGEST reason for not cheating on your wife be the simple fact that you love your wife and don't want or need any other women?

 

i don't know, man... i would rather have 10 different affairs than to stay faithful only because i'm too lazy to cover up my tracks & because my spouse didn't do anything bad or wrong YET. that's f*cked up.

 

He didn't say that was the only reason he stayed faithful and specifically mentioned not being able to lie to his wife about being with someone else. I read his post as "I'm not capable of having affairs" and an explanation of why he's not capable. So I would rather be with someone who knows his limitations than someone who wanted to break the rules with no respect for my feelings.

[minimariah]

He didn't say that was the only reason he stayed faithful and specifically mentioned not being able to lie to his wife about being with someone else.

 

no but he said that it was the MAIN reason. his main reason isn't because he loves her and because he WANTS to be faithful to her... but because she's good and loyal to him and it's almost as if he's being faithful out of pity. also -- he says "at least not now" -- does that mean that he WON'T be faithful when she isn't so good and loyal to him? when she makes a mistake? it's awesome to be realistic and know your own limitations but the entire post was... i don't know, lacking love? if i can say so.

 

huge difference between the "i'm loyal because i want to be loyal and faithful because i love that person and because being faithful comes naturally to me" AND "i'm loyal only because i'm not capable of leading a double life and lying" - at least to me.

 

i'm kind of surprised because the main reason you're faithful should be the simple fact that you WANT to be faithful. no need for justification or rationalization. no "she's good to me, so i'd feel bad if i was bad to her" either - you're faithful because you want to be and because you love that person. he never once mentioned the actual love and desire for the wife as the main reason (which should be the main reason). being loyal and faithful should never be conditioned in a way that you're loyal and faithful ONLY because the other side is, too. not sure if i'm explaining it well.

 

I read his post as "I'm not capable of having affairs" and an explanation of why he's not capable. So I would rather be with someone who knows his limitations than someone who wanted to break the rules with no respect for my feelings.

 

me too - but i would rather be with someone who is loyal and faithful to me because he WANTS to be. not because i'm good to him, too. not because he isn't the type of person to have an A. and definitely not because he's too lazy to cover up his tracks.

 

it ain't true loyalness and faithfulness if you're forcing yourself to do it or when it comes from the place of convenience. it's just the way i got and understood his point but i see your point of view, too. and agree with you. it's actually great when someone knows his or hers limitation and is honest about it - absolutely nothing wrong with it. i think i just understood his post differently... but you made a good point.

Edited May 3, 2015 by minimariah

[Fugu]

shouldn't the MAIN and BIGGEST reason for not cheating on your wife be the simple fact that you love your wife and don't want or need any other women?

 

i don't know, man... i would rather have 10 different affairs than to stay faithful only because i'm too lazy to cover up my tracks & because my spouse didn't do anything bad or wrong YET. that's f*cked up.

 

I guess you missed the part where I wrote about not wanting to trash my wife's honor and that bit.

[Fugu]

no but he said that it was the MAIN reason. his main reason isn't because he loves her and because he WANTS to be faithful to her... but because she's good and loyal to him and it's almost as if he's being faithful out of pity. also -- he says "at least not now" -- does that mean that he WON'T be faithful when she isn't so good and loyal to him? when she makes a mistake? it's awesome to be realistic and know your own limitations but the entire post was... i don't know, lacking love? if i can say so.

 

huge difference between the "i'm loyal because i want to be loyal and faithful because i love that person and because being faithful comes naturally to me" AND "i'm loyal only because i'm not capable of leading a double life and lying" - at least to me.

 

i'm kind of surprised because the main reason you're faithful should be the simple fact that you WANT to be faithful. no need for justification or rationalization. no "she's good to me, so i'd feel bad if i was bad to her" either - you're faithful because you want to be and because you love that person. he never once mentioned the actual love and desire for the wife as the main reason (which should be the main reason). being loyal and faithful should never be conditioned in a way that you're loyal and faithful ONLY because the other side is, too. not sure if i'm explaining it well.

 

 

 

me too - but i would rather be with someone who is loyal and faithful to me because he WANTS to be. not because i'm good to him, too. not because he isn't the type of person to have an A. and definitely not because he's too lazy to cover up his tracks.

 

it ain't true loyalness and faithfulness if you're forcing yourself to do it or when it comes from the place of convenience. it's just the way i got and understood his point but i see your point of view, too. and agree with you. it's actually great when someone knows his or hers limitation and is honest about it - absolutely nothing wrong with it. i think i just understood his post differently... but you made a good point.

 

Sorry, I didn't feel inclined to enumerate all the reasons I wouldn't have an affair, but yes, loving my wife dearly is among them. I just assumed others might understand that when I write things like not wanting to be disloyal and not wanting to trash someone's honor that the message of love is implicit. My bad, I guess.

 

Anyway, back on the topic itself, having affairs is a bad idea. I've never really understood them. If someone's not digging the relationship, it's probably just time to be an adult, say your farewells, and try to split as amicably as possible.

[minimariah]

I just assumed others might understand that when I write things like not wanting to be disloyal and not wanting to trash someone's honor that the message of love is implicit.

 

I guess you missed the part where I wrote about not wanting to trash my wife's honor and that bit.

 

i didn't... but not wanting to "trash your W's honor" doesn't really mean that you actually love her & are in love with her. when you word it that way - it comes off as you not wanting to hurt her out of pity & because you genuinely care for her. none of that means you actually love her as a woman.

 

just seemed weird, sorry. for example, i wanted to be loyal because i WANTED to and because it felt natural to me... i loved that person. not because the person was good and loyal to me, too - so i felt obliged to do the same.

[GirlStillStrong]

I don't think you have to love a person to want to be loyal. For me, being loyal is a matter of personal integrity. I'm just not that dysfunctional that I would lie and run around behind someone's back. But if a person would not cheat on another person because of how good that person is, or because they didn't want to hurt that person, I suppose that is as good a reason as any other.

[Grapesofwrath]

i didn't... but not wanting to "trash your W's honor" doesn't really mean that you actually love her & are in love with her. when you word it that way - it comes off as you not wanting to hurt her out of pity & because you genuinely care for her. none of that means you actually love her as a woman.

 

just seemed weird, sorry. for example, i wanted to be loyal because i WANTED to and because it felt natural to me... i loved that person. not because the person was good and loyal to me, too - so i felt obliged to do the same.

 

I think that would be the ideal reason. Life isn't always that simple,though. Most BS's, I imagine, would take any reason that would mean not being betrayed. Even something sub-optimal.

 

I have a male friend who is going through a divorce. His ex-wife didn't.t have sex with him for a year. A year. No medical issues, just a lack of desire. He didn't cheat on her, though, because he just isn't that guy. Not because he was in love with her, but because of his personal integrity. I think that's an excellent reason.

[RoseVille]

I've had a lot of time on my hands in the 48 hours since he ended it.

 

But that's like any breakup, really.