I made a mistake and now losing our marriage

[shadowpixel]

Sorry for the long post...

 

Been married for 15 years now. The beginning of our marriage was horrible. We married young and he realized that he wasn't ready to be a family man. He resented me for that, so he would cheat and physically/emotionally/verbally abuse me. When I finally got the courage to leave, my husband begged me for one more chance and that he would change. I ended up giving him one more chance and he changed into a better man. Things were mostly fine for the past 9 years. I say mostly because although he doesn't abuse me, he would sometimes gets angry over random things or he would chat inappropriately online (that stopped 3 years ago), and the old wounds would resurface.

 

He was laid off from work for a couple of months recently and we ended up forming a really tight bond, since we spent so much time together. There was no stress from work and he became an even more loving, calm husband. Then he found a job out of town and the plan was for us to live separately until the kids finished school.

 

Everything was going great until he started acting distant all of a sudden. He was always too busy to talk, and would go days without calling or texting. That triggered my paranoia because that was how he used to act when he would cheat. I did a little digging and found out that he was going to bars and had downloaded the Tinder app, so I rashly accused him of cheating without finding out what was going on first. We got into a huge fight and it turned out that he wasn't cheating after all. Now he's not sure if he wants to be with me because I still have trust issues and he feels like it's always going to be a problem. He also realized that being around me just reminds him of what a bad person he used to be and hates himself for what he used to do. He feels like he can never feel good about himself as long as we're married because he feels constantly guilty. Right now he's ready to file for divorce. I'm the one begging him to stay this time, but he doesn't say anything. I love him so much, especially because of that recent time period when things were perfect. I just want our relationship to be like that again. It feels like a complete 180 in less than a month. Should I just let him go so he can be happy? Can't believe how much it hurts.

[Art_Critic]

Married men who are not cheating or not going to cheat don't download the Tinder App.. you have been snowed by him.

 

Time to decide if you want something better in life or this...

 

The power is in your hands not his, if YOU feel that divorcing him is the right thing then do it or if YOU feel you would like to give him another try then do it.. but don't let him make you feel less of a wife because he is either cheating or going to cheat.

 

Good Luck

[shadowpixel]

Thanks for the reply. I should have added that he downloaded Tinder and the Line Chat app for research for work, which I did verify to be true. Also the bars were because of work social gatherings. He's in the social/mobile business.

 

Married men who are not cheating or not going to cheat don't download the Tinder App.. you have been snowed by him.

 

Time to decide if you want something better in life or this...

 

The power is in your hands not his, if YOU feel that divorcing him is the right thing then do it or if YOU feel you would like to give him another try then do it.. but don't let him make you feel less of a wife because he is either cheating or going to cheat.

 

Good Luck

[LoveMyCat]

If he is NOT cheating, he is trying to. He may not have had the chance yet. You are likely being snowed...and being made to feel guilty and take the blame at the same time. It is a great trick. But an old one. Don't fall for it. Take him back/keep him, if you want, but know that once a cheater...almost always a cheater. Few reform.

[Art_Critic]

Really... Come on...

 

Have you asked to use the logins and tried to see if he was communicating with any single girls

 

Btw ... If I had to install an app for work that made my wife think I was going to cheat on her I would have had a conversation with her and explained it first.

 

Marriage first

[shadowpixel]

I guess I'm being blind and just want to see the good in him. It hurts so much... don't know how people can be so mean to someone they supposedly care about.

[shadowpixel]

This is the first time we've been away from each other this long. He's probably enjoying living the single life since he doesn't have any family responsibilities around him.

[Akashsingh]

I used to have online profiles and send messages to women when I was married. My ex found out and came to her own conclusion that I was not cheating but I was bored. Our marriage could have been saved, but in my opinion. In this country only one party can seek divorce and usually divorce will be granted.

 

First you need to stop blaming him. Blame is not going to take you anywhere. Second suggest counseling. Both of you try out counseling. He needs to get the urge of finding other women attractive out of him. A therapist can help him do that.

 

Just like trigger happy policemen most women on this forum are ultra feminists and shout divorce at any possible sign of problem in a relationship.

 

If your husband refuses counseling and does not mend his ways, then he does not value your company. You should separate in that case before relationship turns abusive.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is the first time we've been away from each other this long. He's probably enjoying living the single life since he doesn't have any family responsibilities around him.

 

Then there's your answer right there - does that sound like someone missing his wife and children? Devastated over the break-up of his marriage? Does a man connected to his family go days without calling or texting?

 

Will he attend counseling with you? His behavior has been destructive since the start of your marriage. Unless he's willing to address it and change, you'll have to give serious thought to the status of your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

Let him walk.

 

If he still can't understand your frustration or not being able to trust him after he was inappropriately chatting to women 3 years ago and then downloading Tinder......

 

 

AFTER the years of being an abusive jackass.....

 

Yeah. He's a total self-centered ass.

 

 

I swear these guys have narc tendencies.

[shadowpixel]

Thanks for helping to put things in perspective. It's hard to see straight when you're in love. Right now he's out drinking with some high school buddies at the bar... again. He's been drinking a lot lately, which is totally unlike him. Don't know if he's using that as an escape or what. I know it hasn't been easy for him to move, but all of his family and old friends are there.

 

I've tried to get him to see a counselor before and he would always say he will, but doesn't end up doing it. I have a lot of serious thinking to do tonight.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for helping to put things in perspective. It's hard to see straight when you're in love. Right now he's out drinking with some high school buddies at the bar... again. He's been drinking a lot lately, which is totally unlike him. Don't know if he's using that as an escape or what. I know it hasn't been easy for him to move, but all of his family and old friends are there.

 

I've tried to get him to see a counselor before and he would always say he will, but doesn't end up doing it. I have a lot of serious thinking to do tonight.

 

It's really tough being married to someone like that.

 

It places the responsibility on you to decide, because they pay lip service to being dedicated, but then they passive-aggressively step out on you and blame you for their transgressions.

 

It's tough. We don't want to "break up our families" but being married to someone that doesn't act like they even have a partner or family sometimes is a very tough pill to swallow.

 

Understand that this is not your fault. He is responsible for being a husband. You can't 'husband" for him.

[shadowpixel]

Well, I guess it's officially over. I broke down and begged, pleaded... so pathetic of me... he doesn't care. Plus he went on some angry rant how he was going to get screwed over in the divorce, which makes me sad because he knows I don't care about money. Turns out his friends are divorced and are drilling it into his head that I'm going to try and get everything. I don't want anything from him, except the minimum child support. Need to find the strength to go NC.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, I guess it's officially over. I broke down and begged, pleaded... so pathetic of me... he doesn't care. Plus he went on some angry rant how he was going to get screwed over in the divorce, which makes me sad because he knows I don't care about money. Turns out his friends are divorced and are drilling it into his head that I'm going to try and get everything. I don't want anything from him, except the minimum child support. Need to find the strength to go NC.

 

Er yeah.

 

It sounds like you guys are going to go up and down and back and forth unless you go NC right away.

 

It is really hard, but if you go through the grief everyday, it starts to get better.

 

It has been a few weeks for me. When things get tough I go for a short walk, just for me. It really really helps.

 

When we are with someone for a long time, and start investing so much in to someone who plays like they've changed......sometimes we start to isolate ourselves.

 

I honestly had a feeling that you would post through the night.

 

Nights like these are really lonely when you are with someone that treats you like you don't matter. You do. You really matter.

 

And honestly, you'll find that the more he stays out of the way, that your finances will adjust, you will feel so attached and enjoy your kids etc.

 

It's tough for the first maybe weekish.... then it hits at moments, but it gets better. It really does.

 

I've been on the back and forth cheater/alcoholic rodeo for awhile now. And it's hard not to envision them having this "super-great live-it-up time."

 

But mostly...... they are just kind of pathetic.

 

I mean, my husband just drinks alone and isolates himself. He's caused so much damage to his brain and body. I am not sure how long he has above ground. The images I had of him the last few weeks hanging around women etc. or finding shoulders to cry on..... didn't really jive.

 

Even his friends probably have homes to go back to. Or they just sit and bitch and drink together. I doubt he's going on really great, romantic, passionate dates......it's really just alcohol jackassery.

 

Honestly, even if my husband has done some drunken hookup....goood for them....ooohh woowwww. Lucky girl :lmao:

 

Mostly, he smells like a brewery, didn't see our kid for weeks and sent no support money home. Yaaaaayyyyyyy. What a fantastic life. He reeeaaalllly showed me just how much he needed to get out of here. Reallllyyyy showed me just what he was missing.

 

Brain damage mostly. He was missing the opportunity to feel like he had the freedom to give himself more brain damage.

 

I am sure that you are worth far more than someone who values their brain damage thinks or doesn't think of you.

 

The more this goes on, be assured that this stupid behaviour is NOT a reflection of you or your relationship. But rather just how far he has sunk in regards to being a responsible husband and father. It's all about "him."

 

And it is not normal or okay behaviour to just take off etc. Most good Dads would be reassuring their kids all of the time during a split. Really calling them every night. Making sure he's there for them. Not going out drinking and partying while you are falling to pieces. Most responsible people can at least acknowledge the pain that they are putting you through with their crappy behaviour and leaving the family. They would approach it with empathy, not resentment over a potential settlement.

 

You'll probably end up feeling relieved in a week or so. It isn't as scary as people say.

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting though. I know what it is like to invest and lose so many years to hope.

[shadowpixel]

Thank you so much for this, dreamingoftigers. This post really hits home. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing . I can relate to everything you said... especially the wasting all those years thing.

 

I quit my job and school because I was stupid enough to follow what he wanted. Gave up my hopes and dreams just to get thrown away like a piece of trash. I mean I do have a job now, but it's not great and it's not where I want to be in life. I will work on changing that though.

 

Sad thing is that he's only visited us once, the past couple of months he's been gone... and has only talked to the kids once, but that's cause they called him. He says it's because he doesn't have time. But you find time to go shopping, text, hang out w/ friends etc? Oh well, his loss.

 

Thanks for giving me a ray of light in this dark tunnel.

 

Er yeah.

 

It sounds like you guys are going to go up and down and back and forth unless you go NC right away.

 

It is really hard, but if you go through the grief everyday, it starts to get better.

 

It has been a few weeks for me. When things get tough I go for a short walk, just for me. It really really helps.

 

When we are with someone for a long time, and start investing so much in to someone who plays like they've changed......sometimes we start to isolate ourselves.

 

I honestly had a feeling that you would post through the night.

 

Nights like these are really lonely when you are with someone that treats you like you don't matter. You do. You really matter.

 

And honestly, you'll find that the more he stays out of the way, that your finances will adjust, you will feel so attached and enjoy your kids etc.

 

It's tough for the first maybe weekish.... then it hits at moments, but it gets better. It really does.

 

I've been on the back and forth cheater/alcoholic rodeo for awhile now. And it's hard not to envision them having this "super-great live-it-up time."

 

But mostly...... they are just kind of pathetic.

 

I mean, my husband just drinks alone and isolates himself. He's caused so much damage to his brain and body. I am not sure how long he has above ground. The images I had of him the last few weeks hanging around women etc. or finding shoulders to cry on..... didn't really jive.

 

Even his friends probably have homes to go back to. Or they just sit and bitch and drink together. I doubt he's going on really great, romantic, passionate dates......it's really just alcohol jackassery.

 

Honestly, even if my husband has done some drunken hookup....goood for them....ooohh woowwww. Lucky girl :lmao:

 

Mostly, he smells like a brewery, didn't see our kid for weeks and sent no support money home. Yaaaaayyyyyyy. What a fantastic life. He reeeaaalllly showed me just how much he needed to get out of here. Reallllyyyy showed me just what he was missing.

 

Brain damage mostly. He was missing the opportunity to feel like he had the freedom to give himself more brain damage.

 

I am sure that you are worth far more than someone who values their brain damage thinks or doesn't think of you.

 

The more this goes on, be assured that this stupid behaviour is NOT a reflection of you or your relationship. But rather just how far he has sunk in regards to being a responsible husband and father. It's all about "him."

 

And it is not normal or okay behaviour to just take off etc. Most good Dads would be reassuring their kids all of the time during a split. Really calling them every night. Making sure he's there for them. Not going out drinking and partying while you are falling to pieces. Most responsible people can at least acknowledge the pain that they are putting you through with their crappy behaviour and leaving the family. They would approach it with empathy, not resentment over a potential settlement.

 

You'll probably end up feeling relieved in a week or so. It isn't as scary as people say.

 

I am so sorry that you are hurting though. I know what it is like to invest and lose so many years to hope.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you so much for this, dreamingoftigers. This post really hits home. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing . I can relate to everything you said... especially the wasting all those years thing.

 

I quit my job and school because I was stupid enough to follow what he wanted. Gave up my hopes and dreams just to get thrown away like a piece of trash. I mean I do have a job now, but it's not great and it's not where I want to be in life. I will work on changing that though.

 

Sad thing is that he's only visited us once, the past couple of months he's been gone... and has only talked to the kids once, but that's cause they called him. He says it's because he doesn't have time. But you find time to go shopping, text, hang out w/ friends etc? Oh well, his loss.

 

Thanks for giving me a ray of light in this dark tunnel.

 

I hear this. I lost a business, and it screwed up my exams a few years ago when I caught him a few days before my exams doing inappropriate internet activities. It just cratered me. In June, I will be taking those exams. But look how much it has been set back. So crazy.

 

I followed mine around too. Until I put my foot down about not moving around so much.

 

And I bet he just continued the narcissist song too, you know... the one that goes "me me me me oh me me me me."

 

You know their Achilles Heel though?

 

Don't call him. Don't. Just don't. Ignore him. And the kids won't even bother asking to call him anywhere near as much as you would suspect.

 

One night I called my H to talk and he wanted to talk to our daughter and she just .... (bear in mind she's 5) .... got real mad and said "NO I don't wanna talk to him until he's back!"

 

Wouldn't say a word. He has promised her that he would be back in a few days and then he wasn't. Well, screw you Dad. I'm cute. I'm five. You don't have time for me then I have my toys and my Mom.

 

Kids are way better at dismissing adults then we are at dismissing each other for some reason. Shorter memory span? IDK.

 

Don't give up anymore dreams. I am not.

 

He won't have a single ounce of time for you and the kids until he starts going, "oh what, you mean you weren't waiting around for me to show up?"

 

They seriously get really stupid when they drink. Seriously stupid. It's like their whole Prefrontal Cortex goes on vacation and forgets to come back. Right now there are a whole bunch of Prefrontal Cortexes (Cortexii?) (Cortexae??) sitting on a beach somewhere in Barbados just watching the waves and relaxing. Even the front part of their brain doesn't want to work for them anymore.

 

That isn't about YOU. It's about whatever has been eating at them since childhood that they never dealt with. Whatever they are doing that is not brain healthy. Our brains are so important and magnificent and FRAGILE. Don't eat veggies? Okay, it'll degrade. Want to drink? Okay, it will degrade faster. Want to try to escape life, conflict and responsibility like some sort of adult-peek-a-boo..?

 

Chances are that won't work well. Because "Mommy" won't be waiting on the other side of that unless your act is together.

 

My own mother, who has her *ahem* faults with her choices in mate....... told me a piece of information that made total sense.

 

She let me know his weakness, that Achilles Heel.... He only continues this as long as there's a Mommy taking care of his kids at home, waiting for him to come back. Otherwise, he has no foundation. He's riding really high right now because he knows that you are making noise, aren't going to actually put the screws to him (that's even why he mentioned it, he's scared of it but doesn't think that you'll actually do it).

 

So my mother's advice, "ignore him. It will shock the **** out of him."

I told her, "Mom I've been ignoring him."

She said, "Not long enough. Trust me. You ignore him and start having lots of fun, all of a sudden he'll come up with a reason that you have to xyz."

 

I swear, my husband can sense it on the wind when I am done and dusted with him. It is UNCANNY. Now either, I just "know" when he is going to call and mentally dismiss him a few minutes before he does or there is something out there that gives us each a little ESP.

 

I can carry the grief for days or weeks. Then all of a sudden..... Just feel fine, let it go. Okay "I guess it's the real deal this time" and then.... often within minutes a dumb "hey" text. Or whatever. Bizarre.

 

But as long as you feed his ego and paranoia, he thinks "it's your fault."

As long as you try to talk about your relationship or his plans he thinks "you are trying to manipulate or control him."

 

Screw him (not literally). Let him "live the good life."

 

Six months. Tops. He freaks and crawls back.

 

Whether you want to ride that fun-time rodeo is up to you.

I recommend that unless he has a real thing for getting professional help that he gets *before* he pushes his way in the door, that you simply say "Nay."

 

Even if it looks as though you are closing the barn door after the jackass escaped, do it for you. Set that line if you so want.

 

And I know just how disgusting it is to watch him ignore the kids. Oh. It is hard to maintain any kind of empathy for anyone no matter the circumstances. Oh it is just almost impossible. And to have to be the one to explain to the kids what's "going on with Dad."

 

Oh how maddening.

 

You'll probably go through a whole rainbow of emotions. But I will say this as well. A marital therapist I went to last year did an individual session with me (you know, because my husband DIDN'T SHOW UP to the appointment!)

 

He basically said, "Most of the grief and heartbreak you are feeling is because you don't do self-care or acknowledge these feelings. If when you hit these feelings, you named them, acknowledged them and was very nice to yourself (self-compassion) and not blaming yourself or being upset with yourself for having them, you would cope so well and come through this much more easily."

 

It is actually true. Most of the heartbreak I had was from trying to care for this individual and show him that caring for me was important too. I abandoned my hopes and dreams and so he has control over my foundation.

 

That doesn't work. I know it sounds like "but don't abandon your husband, stay family-focused."

 

I strongly assure you that doing nice things for yourself is the ONLY way that you can stay balanced and happy enough to care for your family. Not go overboard and indulge yourself. That isn't self-care. But really take care of yourself the way you would want to be taken care of by a loving husband. Most of that you can do yourself. And then you feel better and he becomes less, well, central to your well-being.

 

It sounds kinda condescending when you first hear it like "You think I don't know how to handle and take care of myself, wtf?"

 

But the truth is, when we have these nutjob, detached spouses, we keep trying to invest to balance things out. We do lose ourselves sometimes. We try to take care of our families as a way to take care of ourselves. It is actually the other way around.

 

You know when you get enough sleep, (unlike tonight LOL) you feel so much better and can take on anything? Same principle.

 

If you don't take care of those feelings and mentally hug yourself, you get cranky, irritable, ready to snap.

 

When my H first disappeared, the stress,......eh gads..........

 

I was so snappy. So yelling and cranky with my daughter. So frustrated thinking, "oh so now she needs X and Y and where is he? Just out "living it up" and here I am stuck with EVERYTHING." Very short fuse. Didn't last long thank goodness.

 

But when I really dug into how I was feeling and actually DID stuff to feel better and even just looked at the grief as something to go THROUGH and get to the other side of, it got better. A lot better.

 

I remember I had to end a relationship years ago and just told myself to "go through the grief." Endings are sad. Even when we know that they are supposed to happen. Another way that I have seen this phrased is "If you are going through Hell, keep going...."

 

Man, I ramble in the early AMs. It's a process. Be nice to yourself. Yes he's an arse.

 

Tell us all about what an arse he is. Make an Arse Journal on here if need be.

 

Then tell us how you are being nice to you. (Aside from making an Arse Journal)

[No Limit]

Your marriage was horrible from the start and you knew. He's been cheating in the beginning, paused for a while and now he goes at it again. Divorce and this time stick to your guns, this situation won't change because you can't transform him into a faithful caring husband. And please, this time around don't fall for the "I'll better myself" act. It's temporary so his ego won't take a massive hit by getting dumped.

[shadowpixel]

Here's the update: I tried going no contact then ended up breaking down and calling him, crying and begging him that I love him and want to be with him. He was just cold and silent. I realized how pathetic I was being and that it's truly over.

 

So I opened up to my friends and found out that I have an incredibly wonderful support system.

 

It hurts sometimes, especially when I wake up, but I'll take it day by day and start focusing on mine and the kids' lives.

 

Thanks for all your help, especially dreamingoftigers for your support