Over a year since EA and BS is STILL harassing me, but nervous about going to court

[StomachFlu]

Last March, I wrote a post on here about a BS who wouldn't leave me alonE. The post is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/478103-emotional-affair-over-but-wife-won-t-leave-me-alone-2.html I got some really good advice and went to court to file for an order of protection against her, then ended up dismissing the charges prior to the hearing. It seemed like a court order would just reenforce their desire to pull me into their marriage.

 

Now, I really regret it.

 

I hate to reiterate the back story, but to make it short as possible: I worked for this woman's company and her husband starting coming on to me immediately. I rebuffed him for months but attempted to stay friendly - I had no idea how to respond to late-night "look at the beautiful moon!" texts from a client. Eventually, I took the bait and ended up in a really uncomfortable EA with a few instances of erotic texting but stopped reciprocating after a few months. MM confessed and, after months of apologizing to BS, giving her all the information she wanted, begging her not to contact my mentally ill BF of 8 years (I've since told him), consoling her when she caught her husband in three other affairs (two simultaneous to when he was trying to start one with me!), I decided my presence in their marriage was not helpful. I had one last disturbing conversation trying to convince this woman that MM's portrait of me as nymphomaniac wasn't biologically possible, I stopped accepting calls and wished her the best. When she wouldn't relent, I started issuing "Please do not contact me or I'll take legal action."

 

When I last wrote on here, she'd re-started contacting me and I sought an order of protection. However, I opted out prior to the court date; there'd been a period of silence and I didn't want to re-ignite a role in their marital drama. I later heard from her lawyer, who wanted to solve the issue outside of court and insisted I'd never hear from her again (apparently, she never received my order to dismiss - I suspect MM circumvented what appeared to be a letter from me to his wife). A few months later, I received a voicemail asking to meet with her and "talk." I ignored it. A little later, I received an email from BS with a single obscene sentence I'm not going to reprint. I forwarded it to her lawyer, noted the prior phone call, and stated I'd return to court if his client didn't stop.

 

Last night, I got three new emails. They begin by asking me to apologize for "trying to be with her husband", then divert into disturbing sexual references. Though most are just bizarre obscenities, she revealed MM had been filming me without my knowledge when he visited my apartment.

 

This is making me sick to my stomach (particularly that MM filmed me when he thought I'd have sex with him - how is that not disturbing to this woman?!) Some people tell me to "just ignore her" and she'll stop. I've ignored it for over a year and it hasn't stopped! My first inclination is to return to court and request a restraining order, though I'm worried about the weeks of anxiety leading up to the date. I also stupidly erased the 44 voicemails I collected a year and a half ago - I couldn't deal with having to listen to his woman telling me to "give back my husband or they'll be consequences" every time I checked my voicemail - I do have all the emails, which are pretty obscene.

 

I know I've asked this before, but has anyone gone through with this? I don't expect a restraining order to stop her, but I want a record should she continue. And I can't stand the thought of her continuing to hurl insults at me at any unexpected point in the future while I "just deal" with a clearly disordered woman who refuses to seek help. Her actions are met with zero repercussions, while I'm incapacitated with rage and anxiety for days. Worst of all, her husband has been proven as chronically unfaithful - but gets away with lying to her about the "many men I've been with" and "history of homewrecking".

 

I'm so shaken up, I just want to hide in bed. I think I know the right thing to do, but I'm not sure!

[eye of the storm]

Breath and be grateful you dodged a nuclear bullet.

 

 

After that, file the restraining order. She may back off if she thinks it could involve jail time. And if she doesn't, she will be in jail and not your problem.

 

 

View this as taking out the trash, it is not fun. But if you don't your house will stink and you will get rats. It is a necessary action you must take.

 

 

I wish you luck and peace.

[whatatangledweb]

I agree. File the RO. This has to stop. Is there a reason you can't block her on emails and your phone? Or change your number?

[Popsicle]

Do you live in a state where she can sue you? If not, get the restraining order.

[whichwayisup]

Talk to your lawyer, file the RO and also change your number and email address.

[StomachFlu]

Wow, thanks so much for the rapid response!

 

I know I have to go through with it, as much as a dread it. This has gone on so long and denigrated to the point where she has no need for information. She simply wants to cause me distress whenever she feels like it.

 

I mean, if you write someone an email consisting entirely of "what other married people are you sleeping with?" what sort of response do you expect? "Oh, I've got about ten married men in my bedroom, right now. You know, Mr. Jones, Mr. Leonard from the hardware store..." And why would you send that seconds after emailing someone "my husband has you on video showing him your vibrators but saying you didn't want to screw him." The fact that someone possessing one vibrator (oh wait, I mean my "collection" - I forgot to include his interest in my lint brush) in an inadvertently open drawer is more distressing than her husband filming someone their trying to convince to have sex says something toward her sanity.

 

Sorry, I have piles of comebacks I'm dying to send her.

 

Regarding my number, she seems to have stopped calling - and I don't want to change it because I frequently get calls from past clients asking for work. Instead, she's switched to contacting me via the form on my website. Besides, I refuse to completely rearrange my business and risk client relationships because of one deranged woman.

 

I don't think she can sue me but I'm not entirely sure - on what basis would she be able? I didn't have a physical affair with her husband and I did save a lot of records of him trying to coerce me into an affair, complete with my telling him I wasn't interested and wanted to stop. In fact, I've sometimes wondered if I had a case after I told him, "I'm bipolar, having a manic episode, and need to stop for my own health" or "I'm severely depressed and have no libido."

 

His response? "Yeah, right ;)" EW.

[StomachFlu]

Oops, one more question -

 

A lot of people are telling me to talk to an attorney. I don't have an attorney and have no way of affording one, though I would like to make sure this is done properly.

 

Do lawyers really work on contingency or is that an idea I got from watching Lionel Hutz on The Simpsons? I'm also aware of law clinics but does the process take a long time? I'd like to get this done with as soon as possible before I chicken out.

 

Wait, another question -

 

A lot of what she says is defamatory. I recently restarted work for clients in the same industry after a long period of not hearing from them (due to this woman, I suspect). If I've filed an order of protection, can she speak to my other clients about me?

[GirlStillStrong]

Ask the court in the petition that she not contact your clients.

 

Alternatively, why have you not just changed your email address? Why are you reading her email? You can delete them without reading them you know.

[gettingstronger]

Our OW still intrudes 2 years later. All the RO did is make her more creative. We delete without reading, hit ignore on unknown calls, etc. it's annoying and creates triggers. If I figure out how to end it, I'll let you know.

[jen1447]

What state do you live in specifically, hon?

 

Don't worry about being sued for having an emotional affair lol - not gonna happen. First of all, the suit would probably wash out of court at filing if it even was filed (there are standards that have to be met, like you can't sue someone for "being a jerk" or not liking you or having blonde hair), and second, lawyers only want to file suits they think they can win or settle on and ones that will have a payday on the end, so unless your homeowners insurance covers damages for emotional affairs on the part of the policy holder (don't worry, it doesn't) or you're independently wealthy, no lawyer would attempt to bring the suit. (We're talking about civil suits here btw. There's nothing criminal involved here on your side.)

 

It's unfortunate that you got rid of the voicemails, but it's good you kept the other stuff. Don't get rid of anything else because every time she contacts you she's amassing evidence on your behalf for your case against her, and that case should initially take the form of you reporting it to the police. It's illegal to stalk and/or harass people, so if your evidence is compelling enough, they may file charges against her, or at the very least contact her on your behalf and tell her to knock it off. If she continued in that case, then now you'd have a record in the form of your initial report, which you could then add to with any new evidence, which would just escalate the degree to which the police would want to get involved to the point that they would eventually charge her.

 

Now, if your evidence isn't really compelling and the police declined to get involved, then you could try the restraining (more likely no contact) order again, and the police might even advise you to do that as well in conjunction with the investigation of your case. But whatever you do, don't withdraw your filings for orders anymore! You need to put your foot down and stick with this.

 

The reason you feel so put out and powerless is because this woman is winning and having her way with you. You can take that power away from her and get some gusto back by taking action on your own behalf to stop it!

[jen1447]

Oops, one more question -

 

A lot of people are telling me to talk to an attorney. I don't have an attorney and have no way of affording one, though I would like to make sure this is done properly.

 

Do lawyers really work on contingency or is that an idea I got from watching Lionel Hutz on The Simpsons? I'm also aware of law clinics but does the process take a long time? I'd like to get this done with as soon as possible before I chicken out.

 

Lawyers will only offer contingency agreements on cases that promise a big payday. Yours doesn't qualify, so I'd forget about lawyers for now. All they could really help you do is function as an intermediary between you and the police on possible criminal charges, but you don't need that. If you sued her one day for harassment, there would be little potential for a big settlement, so you'll get no "you don't pay unless we win" offers. Those kinds of lawyers are usually ambulance chasers anyway, and the suits they file are almost always targeted against insurance companies with big pockets, not solely individuals.

 

Wait, another question -

 

A lot of what she says is defamatory. I recently restarted work for clients in the same industry after a long period of not hearing from them (due to this woman, I suspect). If I've filed an order of protection, can she speak to my other clients about me?

 

A restraining order or no contact order generally will only affect those things specifically - restraining would say that she can't contact you and has to stay a certain distance away from you, and no contact would simply say she can't contact you. What's she's doing would be considered slander, which would much more likely be addressed civilly, but again I doubt any suit would stick without a payday. It is possible like the above poster said that you could have something appended to a no contact order if you had tangible evidence she was doing that.

[velvette]

Before you decide you cant afford an attorney, I would check with a few to see what they charge.

 

 

For something like this you can sometimes negotiate a flat fee rather than hourly billing. It may not cost as much as you think, especially if you live in a smaller town/lower cost of living area.

 

 

A lawyer might be able to resolve it with a phone call to get her lawyer to let her know you mean business and also get your fees included in a settlement to keep it out of court.

 

 

If that's how she responded last time, its probably how she will respond again.

 

 

Sometimes its cheaper to get a lawyer than not, especially when it comes to wasting your time and your sanity on this nonsense.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow.

 

Quite the pickle you're in.

 

Quite probably she has just been fed so many many lies and ridiculous untruths about you chasing him that she keeps telling you to back off.

 

Meanwhile he spins you as "crazy and not backing off."

 

He sounds like the type that would tell her "I told her a bunch of times to back off, you try telling her."

 

Seriously. He sounds like the type. He sounds like a Royal MindF--- and she probably can't even keep them all straight.

 

Probably claiming you even broke your own order of protection.

 

It may sound "out there" but I have known men sick like this and he fits the bill.

 

Guess you won't be getting involved with an MM again. Bad news all around.

 

I hope he gets served something fierce by an OW or her BF/Husband soon.

 

He appears to enjoy winding up his wife. That type of mental abuse has deep-reaching effects. It feels like you are going crazy, you have no idea which way is up.

 

Trust me, she didn't know he was like this when she got involved with him. Men this narcissistic are very very good at betraying people. Probably the same type of measures he used to attract you BUT even more focused because he wanted to marry her. I find that narcissists put more effort into carefully constructing the "stage" for their spouses. It is a very challenging thing to see past. Even in my case, it took years for it to show holes, and then years for it all to crumble.

[whichwayisup]

One thing though, nobody has forced you to continue to read the emails and texts she sends you. Why not just delete? Yet you've chosen to read them all. Just something to think about.

[dreamingoftigers]

One thing though, nobody has forced you to continue to read the emails and texts she sends you. Why not just delete? Yet you've chosen to read them all. Just something to think about.

 

or block her.

 

You could block her.

[Bootsie]

It's only defamatory if she's telling it to someone else other than you and it's not true. If she's telling them the truth that you allowed her husband in your bedroom and discussed your vibrator with him, then it's hardly defamatory, even if she adds her unflattering opinion of you.

 

 

She is however harassing you and you could try for an RO.

 

 

Next time don't allow married men into the room where you store your sex toys.

 

 

One final point is I told the colleagues and employers of 2 women who were involved with my WH, one of whom didn't allow it to go further than a date or two. I made sure I stuck to the truth, used no abusive terms and made no threats. One threatened me with a RO which never happened of course. Both lost their jobs soon afterwards.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Bootsie

[Doublegold]

Lets keep on point here. I don't believe the OP posted in the OW/OM section for Betrayed Spouses to lecture her on letting a MM in HER bedroom where a drawer contained her property et al.

 

StomachFlu-- take her to court. Better to have a documented trail of her behavior then to have this continue. I see she kept the booby prize lol.

 

Good Luck to you--stay strong.

[Bootsie]

Sorry about the suggestion not to mess with married men, - just ignore what I said if you don't agree.

 

 

The rest of what I wrote was valid. Get the RO but forget about going to court on defamation unless you have real evidence that false statements of fact (not just adverse opinions) were made about you to others.

 

 

PS I'm an attorney.

[StomachFlu]

Thanks so much for a your replies! And my apologies if I somehow screw up the "reply" function! Actually, I might make this a 2-part reply to address any questions (and the "don't let a married man into your bedroom" thing")

 

Our OW still intrudes 2 years later. All the RO did is make her more creative. We delete without reading, hit ignore on unknown calls, etc. it's annoying and creates triggers. If I figure out how to end it, I'll let you know.

 

I remember you writing about this, last year - I'm so sorry it's still going on. And, like you said, it's really triggering. It's not easy to just toss the emails without reading them - they fill me with anxiety for days when they show up and, if best, holding onto them at least gives some leverage to request legal help in stopping them.

 

To clarify on changing my number/email address - her number is on "call reject"; for some strange reason, the phone won't totally block her. Luckily, I assume she thinks she's blocked - and I was previously able to collect her voicemails and texts - as she's stopped calling me. I've had the same phone number for something like 10 years and am very hesitant to change it; I'm self-employed and frequently get calls from old clients with assignments. On a more personal note, my best friend completed suicide last year and having the same number allowed people whom I'd since lost touch to alert me - and allowed others who'd kept their phone numbers to be easily reached with the information. She now writes me via the contact form on my website and, due to my particular line of work, I can't remove without losing any way for potential new clients to hire me.

 

What state do you live in specifically, hon?

 

I live in Illinois - and your advice is really helpful. I really like the idea of first filing a police report and I'll call 311 and see how to begin the procedure. However, in the end, I suspect the cops will make it as difficult as humanly possible to even find the correct station to file. I live in a city notorious for, uh, "lackluster" policing. It's also an expensive city and I have no way to hire to a lawyer out of pocket without, like, not eating for a month.

 

Trust me, she didn't know he was like this when she got involved with him. Men this narcissistic are very very good at betraying people. Probably the same type of measures he used to attract you BUT even more focused because he wanted to marry her. I find that narcissists put more effort into carefully constructing the "stage" for their spouses. It is a very challenging thing to see past. Even in my case, it took years for it to show holes, and then years for it all to crumble.

 

It's really funny that you'd mention narcissism - that's exactly what I was thinking! The guy is a master manipulator and seems really adept at figuring out exactly what to say to get what he wants. In my case, he prayed on my sympathy with the "I'm so sad and lonely - I really want to be an artist but my wife won't let me..." crap. I really thought he just needed a friend and happened to have developed a crush on me. I even felt guilty when I ended it because I didn't want him to feel rejected....and then I found out about the three other women he was simultaneously playing (who actually were having sex with him - why doesn't she go after them?) I kind of think she's a bit narcissistic, too. I've made it abundantly clear I had no interest in a relationship with MM - she has pages of text records of my telling him to stop chasing me - but wants to turn this into a "you tried to steal me husband!" thing. The guy has so many factors against him and their marriage has been messed up for years; it almost seems like she stays with him out of some weird sense of ownership; that she can't stand to "lose" her possession to someone else, to the point of convincing herself that other women are "after him" just to "beat" them.

 

...which might be why she won't leave me alone?

[StomachFlu]

It's only defamatory if she's telling it to someone else other than you and it's not true. If she's telling them the truth that you allowed her husband in your bedroom and discussed your vibrator with him, then it's hardly defamatory, even if she adds her unflattering opinion of you.

 

 

Next time don't allow married men into the room where you store your sex toys.

 

I'm very sorry for your situation and your approach seems admirably rational. To clarify, I don't mean that her sending me emails is defamatory - and my apologies for the incorrect usage. I'm worried about her discussing it with other parties which I would probably have no way of knowing. And a lot of the information is untrue. I'd considered this guy a friend and, on this particular occasion, expected to meet up with a group of people when only he showed up. I didn't take him into my room in any seductive way, but to show him the paintings and artwork I own. While it's true that I'd inadvertently left a drawer open, she's actually claiming "showed him your collection of vibrators and how they worked for you" - which is a million miles away from reality. Nor am I "sleeping with other married men" (I'm not - and I wasn't sleeping with this one!) or "have a history of home-wrecking."

 

I never intended to get involved with this dude and have apologized repeatedly - I let this woman call me when she first found out and answered her questions over and over again. I even managed to remain polite to "my husband claims you masturbate so compulsively that you can't have an orgasm with your boyfriend" - that's not even physically possible! It took months before "I wish you the best, but I can't keep talking to you" turned into "stop contacting me or I'll be forced to take legal action."

Edited May 4, 2015 by StomachFlu
Corrected typo; clarified statement

[RoseVille]

Oops, one more question -

 

A lot of people are telling me to talk to an attorney. I don't have an attorney and have no way of affording one, though I would like to make sure this is done properly.

 

Do lawyers really work on contingency or is that an idea I got from watching Lionel Hutz on The Simpsons? I'm also aware of law clinics but does the process take a long time? I'd like to get this done with as soon as possible before I chicken out.

 

Wait, another question -

 

A lot of what she says is defamatory. I recently restarted work for clients in the same industry after a long period of not hearing from them (due to this woman, I suspect). If I've filed an order of protection, can she speak to my other clients about me?

 

Attorneys have a variety of ways they're compensated. They can be on a contingency basis, an hourly fee basis, a hybrid. Look into hourly rates as well as legal clinics like Legal Aid or your local law schools for certified law students.

[jen1447]

I live in Illinois - and your advice is really helpful. I really like the idea of first filing a police report and I'll call 311 and see how to begin the procedure. However, in the end, I suspect the cops will make it as difficult as humanly possible to even find the correct station to file. I live in a city notorious for, uh, "lackluster" policing. It's also an expensive city and I have no way to hire to a lawyer out of pocket without, like, not eating for a month.

 

Does she live in the same city, and has all the harassment occurred in that city? You could make a report wherever the harassment occurred, or you could make a report with the county sheriff, or even the state police for that matter.

 

[edit]

 

Here's your pertinent Illinois law:

 

5/12-7.5. Cyberstalking

 

(a) A person commits cyberstalking when he or she engages in a course of conduct using electronic communication directed at a specific person, and he or she knows or should know that would cause a reasonable person to:

 

(2) suffer other emotional distress.

 

(b) Sentence. Cyberstalking is a Class 4 felony; a second or subsequent conviction is a Class 3 felony.

 

© For purposes of this Section:

 

(1) “Course of conduct” means 2 or more acts, including but not limited to acts in which a defendant directly, indirectly, or through third parties, by any action, method, device, or means follows, monitors, observes, surveils, threatens, or communicates to or about, a person, engages in other non-consensual contact, or interferes with or damages a person's property or pet. The incarceration in a penal institution of a person who commits the course of conduct is not a bar to prosecution under this Section.

 

(2) “Electronic communication” means any transfer of signs, signals, writings, sounds, data, or intelligence of any nature transmitted in whole or in part by a wire, radio, electromagnetic, photoelectric, or photo-optical system. “Electronic communication” includes transmissions through an electronic device including, but not limited to, a telephone, cellular phone, computer, or pager, which communication includes, but is not limited to, e-mail, instant message, text message, or voice mail.

 

(3) “Emotional distress” means significant mental suffering, anxiety or alarm.

 

(4) “Harass” means to engage in a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that alarms, torments, or terrorizes that person.

Edited May 4, 2015 by jen1447

[dreamingoftigers]

It's really funny that you'd mention narcissism - that's exactly what I was thinking! The guy is a master manipulator and seems really adept at figuring out exactly what to say to get what he wants. In my case, he prayed on my sympathy with the "I'm so sad and lonely - I really want to be an artist but my wife won't let me..." crap. I really thought he just needed a friend and happened to have developed a crush on me. I even felt guilty when I ended it because I didn't want him to feel rejected....and then I found out about the three other women he was simultaneously playing (who actually were having sex with him - why doesn't she go after them?) I kind of think she's a bit narcissistic, too. I've made it abundantly clear I had no interest in a relationship with MM - she has pages of text records of my telling him to stop chasing me - but wants to turn this into a "you tried to steal me husband!" thing. The guy has so many factors against him and their marriage has been messed up for years; it almost seems like she stays with him out of some weird sense of ownership; that she can't stand to "lose" her possession to someone else, to the point of convincing herself that other women are "after him" just to "beat" them.

 

...which might be why she won't leave me alone?

 

Inverted Narcissism.

She gets her self-esteem by showing her devout loyalty to him.

 

Who is to say that she isn't going after the others?

 

In fact, there may be so many that she's getting wires crossed and details confused.

[StomachFlu]

Just an update -

 

I filed the petition for an Order of No Contact, yesterday. I originally tried to file on Monday but - just my luck - managed to arrive right five minutes after they'd finished hearings that day. Luckily, the extra time allowed me to revise my incident statements which, I have to admit, are quite well-composed!

 

I almost wasn't granted the hearing date, though that may have been due to my paperwork being presented to the judge as an Emergency order before she realized I hadn't marked "emergency" and it had been misfiled. Everyone I talked to at the courthouse seemed to think it was a solid case until I got to the judge. When I asked about it before filing, I'd mentioned I was worried because sexting did occur and the officer (I don't know their official titles) told me "that doesn't give her the right to harass you"). On the other hand, I specifically told the judge I wasn't having an affair but she seemed to raise an eyebrow - even BW admits no physical contact occurred! I had to read aloud from her email describing this "video" of me (still, ew) ending with my saying "I don't want to screw you."

 

I really hope I get a different judge, but I doubt it. I suspect she won't grant the order and it really isn't fair to spend a year stating "don't contact me or I'll take legal action" then find out there are no repercussions for randomly insulting me whenever she feels like it, with no end in sight.

 

I have a million questions - for example, what to bring as evidence (this judge didn't review the portion I'd printed), whether my petition was filed incorrectly due to the emergency confusion, even what to wear, but this has already taken up a(nother) good chunk of my work week and I'm now pushing deadlines. Again.

 

As an added insult, the judge kinda looked like BW! Same nasal voice, too!

 

As always, thanks for all your helpful advice!

[fllygirl]

I would unblock her and start collecting as much evidence as I can. And don't delete anything anymore untill it's all in past.