NC Journey Begins

[ravfour4]

I'm sure many of you have read my story in my other thread - "4 year relationship done". Here's the summary of my story:

 

-About to graduate college, I met my now ex (we were both 21/22). She had a crazy past, wasn't emotionally stable and I was her rock. Fell in love instantly.

-Maintained long distance for a year, then moved in together. Lived together for 3 years after that and got a dog in the interim. Always planned to stay together forever.

-I was a bit doubtful she'd make a great mother (very forgetful and not very responsible) and was therefore a bit hesitant to marry her. We had started looking for a house together.

-She was much more extroverted than me and got frustrated that I didn't always want to go out. We stopped going out a ton and I think she grew to resent me for it. I sensed this and started distancing myself as well.

-We started arguing all the time over nothing. I figured it'd work itself out once work (I was working a ton, getting promoted often working towards a house), family (my father was battling cancer) and moving stress (she chose a place I didn't like and wasn't there to help me pack or move) dissipated.

-After a lot of butting heads, she broke up with me. At first I was relieved, then I wanted her back more than anything. Then my dad's condition got worse and he ended up passing away.

-We kept living together for 2 months and a few weeks in I found out she loved someone else, a much older co-worker of hers who was about to go through a divorce. I sensed this, but she lied about it constantly. This devastated me. She said they were done while I was back home during my dad's last few days, but then she started talking to him a ton again.

-She wouldn't move out, I ended up paying her half of the rent here and helping her find a place. She still let our dog out everyday and had keys. We'd text or talk briefly almost everyday.

-Last week we met up to talk about our dog, I admitted I still loved her, she said she loved me too. A few days before that she said she didn't have a bf when I asked. We were going to go on a date on Friday, but then I found out she was dating that guy. She told him she was going to go on a date with me and still had feelings.

-Over the next day or two, he went crazy trying to keep her, she brought me into all of that drama, started getting mad at me for dumb little things in our relationship and we called off dinner. I said I'd fight for her, but not against another guy for her and that she obviously hadn't forgiven me for my mistakes and still had feelings for this other guy.

-I got my keys back 2 days ago.

 

 

Now, I'm finally going NC because I need to in order to move on and she is not worth another second of my time. I wanted to make this new thread in case I ever needed to vent.

 

Today was only day 2, at times I wanted to contact her to say something like "I wish we would have actually given it a chance", but that would be very stupid of me. She's confused as hell and a destructive force right now. I also remembered two really long texts I had sent her when we were talking a lot last week, I'm glad those are the last messages she has from me. They say everything I could have wanted to say.

 

I feel a lot of anxiety when I think about her and random good memories have flooded my mind all day, but I know this is for the best, that I have to do it and that she's not worth it anymore, at all.

[Satu]

When all the words have been said there are no more words to be said.

[Tone Loc]

I'm sure many of you have read my story in my other thread - "4 year relationship done". Here's the summary of my story:

 

-About to graduate college, I met my now ex (we were both 21/22). She had a crazy past, wasn't emotionally stable and I was her rock. Fell in love instantly.

-Maintained long distance for a year, then moved in together. Lived together for 3 years after that and got a dog in the interim. Always planned to stay together forever.

-I was a bit doubtful she'd make a great mother (very forgetful and not very responsible) and was therefore a bit hesitant to marry her. We had started looking for a house together.

-She was much more extroverted than me and got frustrated that I didn't always want to go out. We stopped going out a ton and I think she grew to resent me for it. I sensed this and started distancing myself as well.

-We started arguing all the time over nothing. I figured it'd work itself out once work (I was working a ton, getting promoted often working towards a house), family (my father was battling cancer) and moving stress (she chose a place I didn't like and wasn't there to help me pack or move) dissipated.

-After a lot of butting heads, she broke up with me. At first I was relieved, then I wanted her back more than anything. Then my dad's condition got worse and he ended up passing away.

-We kept living together for 2 months and a few weeks in I found out she loved someone else, a much older co-worker of hers who was about to go through a divorce. I sensed this, but she lied about it constantly. This devastated me. She said they were done while I was back home during my dad's last few days, but then she started talking to him a ton again.

-She wouldn't move out, I ended up paying her half of the rent here and helping her find a place. She still let our dog out everyday and had keys. We'd text or talk briefly almost everyday.

-Last week we met up to talk about our dog, I admitted I still loved her, she said she loved me too. A few days before that she said she didn't have a bf when I asked. We were going to go on a date on Friday, but then I found out she was dating that guy. She told him she was going to go on a date with me and still had feelings.

-Over the next day or two, he went crazy trying to keep her, she brought me into all of that drama, started getting mad at me for dumb little things in our relationship and we called off dinner. I said I'd fight for her, but not against another guy for her and that she obviously hadn't forgiven me for my mistakes and still had feelings for this other guy.

-I got my keys back 2 days ago.

 

 

Now, I'm finally going NC because I need to in order to move on and she is not worth another second of my time. I wanted to make this new thread in case I ever needed to vent.

 

Today was only day 2, at times I wanted to contact her to say something like "I wish we would have actually given it a chance", but that would be very stupid of me. She's confused as hell and a destructive force right now. I also remembered two really long texts I had sent her when we were talking a lot last week, I'm glad those are the last messages she has from me. They say everything I could have wanted to say.

 

I feel a lot of anxiety when I think about her and random good memories have flooded my mind all day, but I know this is for the best, that I have to do it and that she's not worth it anymore, at all.

 

Hi buddy

 

Really sorry to hear about your story, it's sad to read that. After four years, I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone that you still love. I'm on day 13 of NC, it's a good idea to use this forum and this thread to jot down your feelings and experiences because it helps with getting through this tough time. They say that in the aftermath of a break up, emotions run high and won't settle until enough time has passed. For now, carry on with NC but don't close the door on her if she comes back after a while with a sincere apology and if she dumps the other guy and wants to give it a try, but don't get your hopes up. Stick with what you're doing now and stay strong, it might be tough but you have to just get through it. I find music helps me a lot, it gets me through the nights.

 

Man, it really sucks how she lied to you and messed you around with regards to the other man, it's so painful to see your lover dating other men, I'm going through that too. That's why I disappeared from my exes life completely, it hurts too much to keep tabs on her and how she's getting on with her new boyfriend. Ahh.... Really sucks, but make sure you don't contact her. But what will you do if she texts you or drops by to see you, or if you bump into her? This is so tough. I suppose my comment is a bit pointless, I'm not good at giving advice sorry. I'm going through a painful break up too and missing her like hell but I stuck to NC, I'm disappointed she's stuck with it too to be honest but ah well.

[Tone Loc]

When all the words have been said there are no more words to be said.

 

Unless someone changes their mind and commits to that change wholeheartedly, it's been known to happen or is that just wishful thinking and hanging onto false hope? Is it a refusal to accept the harsh reality? Or perhaps, as your signature says, it's possible for circumstances to take a dramatic change for the better...food for thought, I'm just thinking out loud.

[ravfour4]

Thanks for the reply ToneLuc. I need to close that last door and not think about the potential of her coming back, we broke up almost 4 months ago now and I've wasted way too much time on her.

 

At first it was a relief like I mentioned and I thought I may find someone new - I'll admit I wasn't super happy at the end of the relationship either when we were arguing all the time and not on the same page, a part of me wished another girl would pop into my life, plus...we were living together still and she was almost always here - and we were getting together better than we had when we were a couple. I figured it'd be short-lived. Then, I saw those I love you texts to that guy and found out they would meet up at the gym, she slept here every single night since he was still living with his wife and kids so I figured it wasn't serious, but it "was". Then, all the **** went down with my Dad, right after I found out about that other guy. She was supportive and wanted to be there for me, but the idea of having her next to me texting this other guy was torture, so I told her not to come.

 

After that storm subsided she told me she stopped talking to this other guy, I really wanted her back, but she slowly started talking to him again (and/or maybe never stopped?) and it was torture living with her knowing that was happening. Recently hearing that she had feelings had me super excited, but it fell apart quickly as I found out her and this other guy were quite involved and he constantly sent her presents, called/texted to prevent her from going on a date with me. For a day she went back to her old self, the one I dated, she apologized for a lot and was very flirty and we talked on the phone for 20-30 min multiple times, but then she went back to hating on me and we never even got to give it a go.

 

A part of me thinks/knows what she has with this other guy will fail, they're both so needy and vulnerable and it's just a f*cked up situation in all regards, and when that happens she may want me back, but I've also come to realize that at this point, ANY girl would be better than her. This girl that I've pined for for months has done nothing but make me feel like **** and ditched me when I needed her most instead of sticking by my side and helping me up when I was down (like I did to her), she was sneaking around at the gym f*cking with this married man......it's terrible to think about, but it's these thoughts I need to keep reminding myself of to move on for good.

 

If she contacts me, I'd smile and not respond. She still thinks she'll see our dog when I go out of town, but I have no intention of that happening.

[ravfour4]

Well, I could barely sleep last night due to all the anxiety I was feeling. I'm straight up addicted to this girl and have quit cold turkey which was very necessary.

 

Before all of this happened, I rarely if ever worried and was extremely confident in myself. I let nothing bother me. Now I feel like I've fallen apart and am slowly but surely rebuilding myself again. I thought I was so sure of who I was and what I wanted and now I just don't know anymore. Maybe I was codependent.

[ravfour4]

Venting: Despite knowing that there is absolutely no reason for me to contact her and that I should despise her, I crave a text or to hear her voice like a drug and have felt claustrophobic/anxious all day. I remember this feeling from when my last relationship ended.

 

On top of that, I remembered today how distant she was to me the month or two before the break-up and I kept asking what was the matter and she constantly said I don't know. When I last saw her she admitted it was wrong of her to bottle that all up and unleash it on me and that she never knows what's bothering her. I feel less to blame for the breakup now. I think I'm in the depression/acceptance stages.

 

Please remind me what a fool I'd be for contacting her.

Edited May 4, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Day 5 - feeling MUCH better. Realized she may very well be BPD, her past, her family history and actions before during and after our relationship all line up, especially doing this right when things between us started to get extra serious (looking for a house)

 

Felt happy today for the first time in a while

[Tone Loc]

Day 5 - feeling MUCH better. Realized she may very well be BPD, her past, her family history and actions before during and after our relationship all line up, especially doing this right when things between us started to get extra serious (looking for a house)

 

Felt happy today for the first time in a while

 

That's good news man keep going strong, see it's already getting better, it gets easier and easier she's a bad influence in your life, you dodged a bullet! It's good to remind yourself sometimes of the bad things about her and the relationship so that there are zero regrets after it's all said and done. You're at day five, I'm at day 16, we've got a long way to go but definitely don't cave and resist the temptation, keep going strong and well done for getting to day five.

[ravfour4]

Holy sh*t do I feel better (day 6). I'm feeling like myself again. I've continued to do research on BPD and SO many of her actions and her entire demeanor through our 4 years of dating match up. They also match up with my mom's behavior which is why I always thought they were similar. I also realize that my upbringing leads me more towards BPD women and that my last girlfriend had MANY similar traits, but was arguably much less severe.

 

Everytime she felt bad, she'd get mad at me. She had no clue how to handle her emotions and she was aware of that, but I was at the brunt of it for 4 years. I didn't even realize how trapped I was in the madness until now. I feel better than I have in a long time right now. The highs with her were very high, but the lows were super low and right now...I'm feeling as "high" as ever.

 

I actually pity her for once. I feel sorry for her and the guy she's with. It's destined for disaster even moreso than I thought, poor chump. A part of me wants to reach out and tell her that I think I figured her out, just to help her as a person, but then I know there's a huge chance she'd try to rip me to shreds again and that thought fades away. Maybe in a few weeks. Maybe never.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'm going to warn you that you are going to go up and down a bit before you get out of the woods. So enjoy the highs now so when the lows come, you don't do something stupid.

[Satu]

Unless someone changes their mind and commits to that change wholeheartedly, it's been known to happen or is that just wishful thinking and hanging onto false hope? Is it a refusal to accept the harsh reality? Or perhaps, as your signature says, it's possible for circumstances to take a dramatic change for the better...food for thought, I'm just thinking out loud.

 

Yes, it can happen, but there comes a time when hope needs to invested elsewhere.

 

Nobody can say exactly where that point is, but everybody knows where it is.

Edited May 8, 2015 by Satu

[ravfour4]

Rough day today after a great day yesterday. I've come to better understand that our relationship wasn't quite what I thought it was and how she detached from me quickly when she feared I'd leave her.

 

Nonetheless I crave texting her badly, even though I know I'd get a lame response back, if that. I read somewhere else that I crave this so badly because she's the only one who was actually there with me who can tell me "no, you are a good guy, I'm sorry for all I did." I know I won't get that, but this drives me crazy

[Simon Phoenix]

Rough day today after a great day yesterday. I've come to better understand that our relationship wasn't quite what I thought it was and how she detached from me quickly when she feared I'd leave her.

 

Nonetheless I crave texting her badly, even though I know I'd get a lame response back, if that. I read somewhere else that I crave this so badly because she's the only one who was actually there with me who can tell me "no, you are a good guy, I'm sorry for all I did." I know I won't get that, but this drives me crazy

 

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'm going to warn you that you are going to go up and down a bit before you get out of the woods. So enjoy the highs now so when the lows come, you don't do something stupid.

 

Just read the bolded.

[ravfour4]

Still holding strong, but I keep remembering all these things that I now know she lied about. Like changing my sheets because she smelled of cigars and slept in my bed - yeah right, probably had that guy in there. Telling me he was never around my dog then later admitting he was. Telling me she bought ice cream when I'm sure he brought it over to watch a movie or something while I was out of town.

 

The bitch is straight evil, BPD or not, she lied to my face and did terrible things the 2 months we lived together. I believed her stupidly, but I'm sure she was sneaking around with him much more than just at the gym. Just can't believe how heartless she was/became. My dog is also sick which makes me want to reach out to her.

..maybe just an excuse to do it...but I won't. I at least have hours now when I don't think about her at all and feel happier than I have in years, realizing how much work it was having her as my gf.

[fireflywy]

Whatever happens, don't contact her. The anger makes it tempting because you perhaps think you're somehow a chump for not expressing it all before and you want to get it off your chest.

 

Don't. Let it burn here or at the gym.

 

Stay strong guy. She's not worth it.

[ravfour4]

Thanks man. Day 9 NC now, feeling much better.

 

I flip flop between "never talk to that two-timing evil bitch ever again" and "you're feeling much better and KNOW that you don't want her as a gf, be around her, study her crazy behavior, feel no feelings and eventually tell her what a mess she is and a fool for leaving you". I will keep waiting as I'm sure the second option will fade away.

 

I saw a pic her sis posted of all of them with their mom and gma (who I was really close with) for mother's day and ALMOST texted her saying tell them happy mother's day, but then I realized these were the only options:

1) Since our last interaction she's "turned me black" and will think this is creepy and stalkerish.

2) She won't reply - I feel like I'd be fine with that, but only after sending the text would I actually know.

3) She'll say something nice back which will mean nothing and/or she'll try to hoover me back in

 

Thankfully, I controlled myself. If I had complete control over my emotions, I wouldn't mind being friends with her, I realize she was a terrible gf and will never be a good gf for me and I've already had to deal with hearing about her new bf, but I highly doubt I'm capable of that. She'd find a way to manipulate me back into liking her, I know it.

Edited May 10, 2015 by ravfour4

[RoseBud12]

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you really did care for this girl and I'm sorry about your situation. I think it's hard for others to come and chime in when we werent there and don't know every detail. So take this as a grain of salt, Having just been through a break up myself I can't even imagine what it'd be like to discover she was talking with someone else. I'd be livid. To me that is unacceptable behavior and you deserve so much more. It's easier said than done but it really sounds like you're better off. It also sounds like you're dealing with things as well as can be expected. Hang in there buddy! It feels crappy right now but if you contacted her you'd be back at day 1. I'm at one week no contact and I'm sure it'll be a bit of a bumpy road ahead but we got this. Respect yourself

[ravfour4]

Lol man oh man, you won't believe what happened.

 

Yes, it involved her breaking NC. Yes, I still think she's insane and I was able to view her as the BPD crazy person she is, rather than my "amazing" (ha!) ex-gf. I actually laughed at her after she left, she's ridiculous. I do not think this will take me steps backward, I did not find her or her behavior attractive in the least.

 

She Breaks NC

I take the day off work. Contemplated breaking NC to meet up with her - resisted. Look down a few hours later and see a text saying "call me please when you get a minute". I wait a while and give her a call. She's got her "nice" voice on, mentions it's our dog's birthday and that she brought him some treats she'd like to bring over. I mention I'm apartment hunting, she starts telling me we'd be neighbors if I moved there (just a month ago she was yelling at me saying she didn't want me to know where she lived) and that she'd like to come over later, I agree.

 

Her Visit

She comes over, I have my guard up like crazy and she mentions her mom was really mad at her lately (I assume because of me, but don't ask why - she later validates that). We're playing with the dog and soon after that guy calls her. I smile and say "he's always gotta call when you're over doesn't he?". She goes, "yeah, I don't know about him anymore".

 

He keeps texting and calling (probably like 5 times) - "why aren't you answering?" "this isn't about the dog" and she keeps ignoring them, telling me she misses things about me and our dog and should have given us a second chance. She even has the nerve to ask me if I want to answer, I tell her to quit dragging me into this. She hangs up on him again and I smile and say "you love this don't you? you love making him jealous". She starts mentioning how she doesn't like him anymore (now that I finally went NC and he's about to move out of his house with his wife - aka their relationship is actually becoming real rather than some sneak around BS).

 

I stayed calm, validated her feelings about our relationship, made fun of how ridiculous she's being and how ridiculous she has been in a sly way that had her agreeing, rather than getting mad.

 

She mentions she thinks about me and our dog all the time and wishes she would have given us a second chance. I tell her that I'm going to remain silent and she will have to reach out if she wants to talk. She leaves.

 

Conclusion

Recycle attempt? Yes. Loving making that guy jealous? Yep. Ridiculous? Yep. Glad I'm free of that BS? Hell yes.

 

I know you'll all berate me for breaking NC, but this was seemingly a positive experience. I controlled the situation, she no longer saw me "black", I was able to see her true colors and I maintained my dignity throughout.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you do realize that NC is an individual thing and not a team thing don't you? She didn't break your No Contact, you broke your No Contact. Honestly, you have to stop doing stupid sh*t. You're in a contact high again (shocker, you aren't listening and repeating patterns) and you'll be overthinking this and back into your self-destructive cycle soon enough.

 

This is literally the same thing you've already done. Stop repeating history and making the same dumbass mistakes. Did you not learn anything at all? I know I'm ripping you, but this is to the T how you proceeded before. I just don't understand why you are going down this road again. She doesn't believe a word you say because you cave each and every time.

Edited May 12, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[ravfour4]

I hear you Simon, I do, but last time, I left the conversation super excited that we were getting back together and an emotional mess. Frantically thinking about it constantly.

 

This time, I am not excited and I truly couldn't care less if she calls back, in fact I hope this was the last time we had contact because it's a nice note to end on "JK, you're actually a really good guy, I screwed up and miss you". That's what I want to go on thinking, not "you're terrible, I hate you, you ruined the relationship, all 4 years were ****, this idiot is better". I truly don't care if she stays with this guy now, she's being so rude and ruthless and that could easily be me if I got back with her. while last time I kept calling and was super worried she'd go back.

 

We'll see how I feel tomorrow, but for the time being I'm happily back to NC and for once feel back in control.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, it's pretty much the same. And she knows that all she has to do is be mildly persistent and you'll cave. Because you keep caving. She doesn't take this seriously because she doesn't have to. She knows you're weak. And I guarantee you that you're going to cave again -- you even told her you were leaving the door open for her to contact you. If you are going to go No Contact, actually go No Contact. A week isn't No Contact -- it's a vacation out of the country or an extended business trip.

 

No Contact means not calling back. It means blocking the number. You are doing a half-ass quasi No Contact, which isn't going to do you any good. It hasn't done you any good yet, but you still refuse to take the correct steps to try to move forward.

 

There's no such thing as being "back" to No Contact. You either are or you aren't.

[ravfour4]

The 11 days of NC (which she knew exactly "it's been 11 days" "oh, you're counting, eh?) did do me a lot of good. Helped me see that I was partially to blame, but certainly not all to blame and that I was PATHETIC to apologize so much the last time I saw her. Helped me realize she was BPD. Helped me realize that she likely was not and will not ever be capable of giving me what I need/want. I've spent a lot of nights annihilating the positive memories with the realism of what happened when we lived together and what a TERRIBLE person she was/is. I did ZERO apologizing this time, I just sat there, listened and validated her BPD feelings. She spilled her guts and I said nothing besides "wow, you love this don't you?" "why are you being so rude to him?" etc.

 

I haven't forgotten that.

[Simon Phoenix]

The 11 days of NC (which she knew exactly "it's been 11 days" "oh, you're counting, eh?) did do me a lot of good. Helped me see that I was partially to blame, but certainly not all to blame and that I was PATHETIC to apologize so much the last time I saw her. Helped me realize she was BPD. Helped me realize that she likely was not and will not ever be capable of giving me what I need/want. I've spent a lot of nights annihilating the positive memories with the realism of what happened when we lived together and what a TERRIBLE person she was/is.

 

I haven't forgotten that.

 

Then why are you talking to her and why are you keeping the door open? Honestly you're spouting the same stuff that you were spouting in the other thread. Just stick to it and give it an actual chance -- stop cutting corners.

[ravfour4]

In another thread I saw someone say: "We can tell you all we want on here, but you'll always crave that "I'm sorry, you actually are a great person" from your ex, since they were the only other one there living it and therefore the only one you feel can legitimately free you".

 

I guess that's why - she said I was right about this guy, that I'm a good person/great guy, that she thinks about me all the time, that she misses the things we did together.

 

It helped me be like, "Jesus, about time, now **** finally makes sense. I knew I was a great person, but the person I trusted most for so long kept saying I wasn't, and now she's saying I am again". It's sort of the freedom/closure I had been hoping to hear but thought I never would. It's stupid validation that I shouldn't have needed, but that I believe will make moving forward even easier.