NC Journey Begins

[ravfour4]

Yeah, I think the difference is I flogged the horse to death...and then kicked it once more. I willingly rode the rollercoaster being blinded by her empty manipulative words instead of paying attention to her obvious actions. She's a ****ty girlfriend, friend and person. Finally hit that "F it" point that I hit MUCH sooner with my ex-ex. I've never been able to go NC until I truly decide to move on, once decided, it's easy to enact.

[quattrob]

Sorry to hear your recent stories rav but can't say I'm surprised at all.. this happens more often than not and it's unfortunate that this had to happen to you. I hope you learn something from this and perhaps don't get your hopes up even when it "seems" like things are going well. Because they can change overnight.. you're just asking to be disappointed.

[DexterLS]

Yeah, I think the difference is I flogged the horse to death...and then kicked it once more. I willingly rode the rollercoaster being blinded by her empty manipulative words instead of paying attention to her obvious actions. She's a ****ty girlfriend, friend and person. Finally hit that "F it" point that I hit MUCH sooner with my ex-ex. I've never been able to go NC until I truly decide to move on, once decided, it's easy to enact.

 

Good. I hope you stay true to your words now, buddy. Keep us updated with your progress, okay?

[ravfour4]

I realize that all that I've wanted from her as of late is consistency. Either consistently hate me, or consistently be a friend or consistently love me. She's hopped between all 3 (faking the last one and in a non-romantic way) nonstop. When she's an ass for a few days, i feel better. Then she's friendly and I expect that to continue when nothing bad happens in between one interaction and he next....but it never works like that.

 

I guess the only way I'll get consistency is by going NC. Then she's consistently out of my life.

[ravfour4]

I unblocked her to ask for my vacuum back and to go to the dog park. She gave a BS excuse so I tore her apart with a text saying I was sick of her **** and not giving a **** about my feelings and to never talk to me again. She texted me multiple times and called like 5 times, I answered and she was completely panic'ing. We talked for an hour about what happened, how it would never work, how terrible she was, how much better I was going to get and how I was done fighting for her and ended it with - don't ever talk to me again.

 

I should have let her freak out and not answered....whatever **** this roller coaster, where these new women at?

[quattrob]

You realize you keep saying "you knew you should've did this or did that" but you always end up doing the opposite right Rav? My question or rather you need to be honestly ask yourself why you keep doing things you know you should've or shouldn't have done. Because seems to me you're doing this to yourself and not really her.

[ravfour4]

Because my emotions for her overcome my logic in the moment, that's why. I see her calling me 3 times and I overly optimistically think - she actually cares and I was overreacting to her text from earlier. Then, on the call she's all nice and will say anything for me not to hate her. Then...I get off the phone and logic kicks in.

 

In life I'm generally super optimistic and it works well everywhere but during a break up. It kills me during a break up. Combine that with my dad passing and I was in an abyss willing to forgive her for anything. ****ty circumstances and ****ty optimism in a time where pessimism is most useful.

[Simon Phoenix]

I unblocked her to ask for my vacuum back and to go to the dog park. She gave a BS excuse so I tore her apart with a text saying I was sick of her **** and not giving a **** about my feelings and to never talk to me again. She texted me multiple times and called like 5 times, I answered and she was completely panic'ing. We talked for an hour about what happened, how it would never work, how terrible she was, how much better I was going to get and how I was done fighting for her and ended it with - don't ever talk to me again.

 

I should have let her freak out and not answered....whatever **** this roller coaster, where these new women at?

 

You aren't going to meet new women when you keep going back in time with old women. I'm not going to say "I told you so", but one day you are actually going to wake up and realize that moving forward is a hell of a lot better than trying to recreate the past. And when you do, you'll be fine. You just don't seem to want to do that yet.

[ravfour4]

Couldn't agree more Simon. I wish I wouldn't have answered her call though, she was having a full blown panic attack when I finally answered "what's going on!? ravfour4?! what happened tell me I'm freaking out?! what did I do?! don't do this to me!"

 

I said... are you kidding me? I should have sent that text 5 months ago when I found out you were sleeping with your co-worker. I ended the call saying don't forget how hard I tried for you, know that I'm going to be your one ex who gets better and better and better after you're gone (the others went to ****) and please don't bash me in 20 years when your kids ask about your prior relationships.

 

I gave her some relationship advice on how to not lead people on and that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them - a lesson I've very recently learned myself. She wished me the best, wants me to find someone less crazy because I'm a great guy and said she's mad we didn't work out, but she just doesn't feel the same way and never will and she FINALLY seemed to realize what her constant bread crumbs are doing to me.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. I realize NC was the way to go from the start, but my fear of her "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, my hatred of "giving up" and my fear of being alone at the time prevented it. I'll know better next time and soon with actual NC, I will remember all the negative aspects of her and finally take off the rose-colored classes I've been wearing for the past 5 months.

 

I have a date planned for tomorrow (told the lame ex about it on the phone - she had the fakest "oh, what's her name?!" I've ever heard), I feel open and excited about it, but I know I'm not ready for anything serious quite yet and I don't plan on hurting anyone else like she hurt me.

[54JA]

Hi! I read pretty much all of yours, simon's, dumass', and downtown's posts here. Curious to know if you are going to implement NC and how your date will go tomorrow! Keep us posted.

[ravfour4]

Definitely implementing NC for the first time throughout all of this - I have to. I think for the first time I've stopped clinging to hope and have accepted that this is actually over. Her mixed messages, my deep love for her and realization of my mistakes, hatred of giving up, enjoyment of a challenge and fear of being alone strung me along.

 

After adamattely telling me she wouldn't talk to me anymore she's already tested me twice today. First with a "I don't and will never regret us ravfour" followed by a random text about concerts I like.... We're both a mess - neither of us want to stop talking to each other, but she fell out of love with me months ago, maybe longer and all efforts on my end have been futile and self destructive. I have to do this for myself. She's not a romantic option anymore for me, as much as I hate to finally admit it.

Edited July 2, 2015 by ravfour4

[54JA]

I hate to admit, but I have been in her shoes before. Although I knew he wasn't the "one" but I also did not want to be alone. I hated the thought of being alone, so I would drop breadcrumbs like "I really miss you," and "I still think about you," blah, blah, blah. It's really pointless.

 

Hang in there!

[ravfour4]

Yeah I know it's just her insecurities and neediness and fear of "oh crap, he's actually going to be gone forever" kicking in. I'm sure she'll forget all about me in a few days. I desire to text her back, but that will do one thing and one thing only - pull me back into a non-productive spiraling abyss with someone who does not love me. I should have backed away long ago, maybe she would have realized her feelings for me or maybe she would have stayed with that other guy forever. I do feel that the contact we had made us end on a more friendly note than if we had ended with her moving out hating me and being with the other guy - but does it really matter? I'm not sure. Was it worth all the pain? I don't think so.

[ravfour4]

Question of curiosity - why is she testing my NC after so adamantly saying she wouldn't?

 

Answer from most of you: who cares? You shouldn't.

 

But I'm curious - is it because of her internal neediness and ego that she can't imagine I'd actually cut her out? Is it to try to regain control over me? I know if I was to reply she's feel instant relief and not give a **** about replying back.

[54JA]

I think you are right. I think it's a combination of all of those things, the ego, neediness, and control. They go hand in hand.

[ravfour4]

I responded today - just tore her up about the lame music text (the concerts she was trying to get me excited about was from last year) and told her that I need to stop talking to her. That the combo of the messy break-up and my dads stuff turned my world upside down and that I need time and space to heal, process and become myself again - not who I've been the past year and a half. I told her that maybe we can be friends in a few months, but for now I need to disappear. Then ended it with a btw I got another promotion ( I did)

 

And now, I disappear.

 

Yeah, the text was unnecessary, but for the first time I accept that this is over and I wanted to reiterate that I really don't want her contacting me anymore - since she already did yesterday. Man oh man was I in denial before.

 

We'll be living 3 blocks away from each other in a month and she works downtown at various bars where I go often, earlier on she said "well I'll see you soon when we're living by each other", I guess if I see her I see her, I don't think it will be too weird and I don't think I'll panic either, we'll also see if she respects my wishes and doesn't contact me. If history is repeated, she won't respect it for long,

[54JA]

You need a plan for the next time she gets in contact with you. Not just a plan to NOT answer her, but also an actual concrete plan for how to resist the temptation. You need a plan that helps you deal with the urges to express yourself to her somehow, whether it's anger, frustration, whatever, and prevent yourself from communicating with her, THAT YOU DO ON YOUR OWN. At this point, it seems like verbalizing your resolve is not enough. The easiest thing is to block her or change your number, for starters.

 

I know it's tough, but you got to get some tools and support in order to make your NC successful. Having a plan of action may be the next step. You don't have to rely solely on your willpower. Garner all the tips and tricks to help you do the "do nothing (NC)." Good luck.

[ravfour4]

What!? She texted me again.

 

"Congratulations!! What are you doing now? Sorry for the ridiculously delayed response and I understand"

 

Apparently you don't!! Plus she's waited way longer to respond before so wtf is she apologizing for.

 

I've come to realize something though, all of her actions have been to relieve her guilt. If I hate her, she comes closer and closer until I like her, then she dips. That's the pattern that keeps continuing and I think why she kept coming back.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

What!? She texted me again.

 

"Congratulations!! What are you doing now? Sorry for the ridiculously delayed response and I understand"

 

Apparently you don't!! Plus she's waited way longer to respond before so wtf is she apologizing for.

 

I've come to realize something though, all of her actions have been to relieve her guilt. If I hate her, she comes closer and closer until I like her, then she dips. That's the pattern that keeps continuing and I think why she kept coming back.

 

You're are quite funny.. Why do you continue to post on this site when you don't follow anyone's advice? You continue to message her. You continually focus on how everything affects her instead of focusing on yourself and your healing. I just don't get it.. It just seems like you're doing this purely for entertainment for all of us. Well, that's what I'm getting out of it.. But I also feel sad that you have to keep suffering because you won't let her go.

I'm guilty too. My ex texted me last night to wish me a happy birthday 6 days early. Out of guilt and some anger, I replied to say it wasn't my birthday when I should have ignored.. He then gave me the exact date of my birthday, confirming that he messaged me early purposely. And followed with a "how have you been?" Anyway, I will let go now and I'm gaining the courage to finally block him so Im no longer tempted. I've felt so much better this last month with no contact. I refuse to pick at the wounds..

[ravfour4]

Because I'm no longer asking for advice, just opinions. Plus I've been here long enough to be able to recite the cookie cutter advice given to all that's aimed at moving on and healing. I didn't want to give up at first and I also wanted to understand, I believe everything in life makes sense, everything people do they do for a reason whether or not they're consciously aware of it and I'm super intrigued by psychology. Also, this is one aspect of my life, a ****ty aspect, while all the rest has been moving forward full speed. I'm finally at the point where I'm giving up and realized all her mixed singles are solely for selfish purposes no matter how well she camouflages them.

 

This is also one of the only stories I've seen on here where the ex stays in contact almost constantly, rarely if ever says anything mean and constantly says she regrets us not working while continually cycling back. In almost all other stories on here the ex is a straight up ass verbally to the dumpee or eventually gets sick of the dumpee and cuts them off or the dumper flaunts their new beau. Plus her sole reason is that she doesn't feel it anymore without having any solid reason as to why - not that she needs one, I guess it just happens.

 

I post on here mainly to write down my thoughts and to process them differently. If you enjoy it, grab some popcorn.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Because I'm no longer asking for advice, just opinions. Plus I've been here long enough to be able to recite the cookie cutter advice given to all that's aimed at moving on and healing. I didn't want to give up at first and I also wanted to understand, I believe everything in life makes sense, everything people do they do for a reason whether or not they're consciously aware of it and I'm super intrigued by psychology. Also, this is one aspect of my life, a ****ty aspect, while all the rest has been moving forward full speed. I'm finally at the point where I'm giving up and realized all her mixed singles are solely for selfish purposes no matter how well she camouflages them.

 

This is also one of the only stories I've seen on here where the ex stays in contact almost constantly, rarely if ever says anything mean and constantly says she regrets us not working while continually cycling back. In almost all other stories on here the ex is a straight up ass verbally to the dumpee or eventually gets sick of the dumpee and cuts them off or the dumper flaunts their new beau. Plus her sole reason is that she doesn't feel it anymore without having any solid reason as to why - not that she needs one, I guess it just happens.

 

I post on here mainly to write down my thoughts and to process them differently. If you enjoy it, grab some popcorn.

 

Sounds like a lot of excuses to me.. Right most stories on here are the ones who've been cut off. The people who are being contacted by there ex have cut them off already and are moving on rather than continue masochism.

Well thanks for the explanation. I know you can't see it now but one day when you finally have moved on and your emotions are back to normal, you'll look back and see how much time you wasted on this selfish girl.

[ravfour4]

I already know how much time I've wasted - way too much.

 

My mind stupidly falls back to "there's no good reason we can't work, we were very compatible and what we had was great for so long, i understand what I did and would never make the same mistakes again, she "fell" out of love with me, but continues to contact me and all her friends say she's just super confused and scared". I don't know why I can't let logic prevail, it's driving me crazy. I guess I have trouble accepting "too little, too late".

 

We have some mutual friends, but they've all stopped hanging out with her post break-up, anytime I hang out with them they say stuff like "she obviously still has some feelings, she's just scared and confused and you don't need to be a part of that". Maybe true, but gives me false hope.

 

When we talked on the phone she said she wouldn't talk to me even if I texted her because she wanted me to move on and be happy, but she's texted me every day since then. She stopped following my Instagram (I stopped following her a while ago) and when I went to check I saw that she started following that married dude - who isn't following her and has no pics (she made him get one, she always molds her men like play dough) - seeing that just tore off my emotional scab again. She's blocked everywhere now besides my phone. I had a great weekend with new friends, but all the couples I saw just sucked in comparison. These guys have no idea what their women want nor do they put in the effort.

 

I know I can find someone new, i know i can find happiness, I just don't fully want to do the first part and that is the problem. Why can I not see that it's time to give up? Why do I keep clinging to this fairy tale reconciliation story? I think it's because every time we hang out the chemistry is great, it's just her fear of "we didn't work out the first time, if we get back together we'll get divorced" that's preventing it from moving when I logically know that wouldn't happen - I know what to do now, but she has yet to change at all. I guess that's what I should keep reminding myself. I need to smash these rose colored glassses.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I already know how much time I've wasted - way too much.

 

My mind stupidly falls back to "there's no good reason we can't work, we were very compatible and what we had was great for so long, i understand what I did and would never make the same mistakes again, she "fell" out of love with me, but continues to contact me and all her friends say she's just super confused and scared". I don't know why I can't let logic prevail, it's driving me crazy. I guess I have trouble accepting "too little, too late".

 

We have some mutual friends, but they've all stopped hanging out with her post break-up, anytime I hang out with them they say stuff like "she obviously still has some feelings, she's just scared and confused and you don't need to be a part of that". Maybe true, but gives me false hope.

 

When we talked on the phone she said she wouldn't talk to me even if I texted her because she wanted me to move on and be happy, but she's texted me every day since then. She stopped following my Instagram (I stopped following her a while ago) and when I went to check I saw that she started following that married dude - who isn't following her and has no pics (she made him get one, she always molds her men like play dough) - seeing that just tore off my emotional scab again. She's blocked everywhere now besides my phone. I had a great weekend with new friends, but all the couples I saw just sucked in comparison. These guys have no idea what their women want nor do they put in the effort.

 

I know I can find someone new, i know i can find happiness, I just don't fully want to do the first part and that is the problem. Why can I not see that it's time to give up? Why do I keep clinging to this fairy tale reconciliation story? I think it's because every time we hang out the chemistry is great, it's just her fear of "we didn't work out the first time, if we get back together we'll get divorced" that's preventing it from moving when I logically know that wouldn't happen - I know what to do now, but she has yet to change at all. I guess that's what I should keep reminding myself. I need to smash these rose colored glassses.

 

Well, it's good you've finally blocked her. You're never going to stop clinging to the hope if you continue to cling to these false notions you have.

 

My mind stupidly falls back to "there's no good reason we can't work, we were very compatible and what we had was great for so long, i understand what I did and would never make the same mistakes again,".

 

I understand some of your thinking. I'd feel like a hypocrite telling you how wrong this thinking is, when I feel the way sometimes too but honestly you two aren't compatible. She broke up with you = not compatible with you. Once someone splits with you, they are no longer compatible with you. I can see that as clear as day now. No matter how much rationalizing you or I attempt, our exes do not see things the same way. If they did they would still be with us, fighting for the relationship. They don't think the way we do, again, NOT compatible.. It's too soon and no use worrying about the future. Stay in the present. Who knows who you will meet in life.

 

she "fell" out of love with me, but continues to contact me and all her friends say she's just super confused and scared". I don't know why I can't let logic prevail

 

Um hello? Your logic won't prevail because you're still her puppy on her pink, jeweled leash.. It does not matter what her friends are saying, Rav! Of course she still has feelings for you. Anyone in relationships who are normal human beings, will have feelings regardless of a break up. But the part you don't seem to absorb is that the person who has made a conscious choice to leave another person, has slightly different feelings. She will think fondly of you, yes, but not romantically fond. So now you stay in contact with her because you're still romantically attached, but her? She's in contact with you for purely different, and I'm willing to bet, selfish reasons. I can guarantee you, once she's able to move on to another man, she's going to leave you in the dirt..

 

I get it Rav, I struggle with the hope too. I still have it. Every second of everyday, I'm pining over my ex. Hoping he will realize he loves me, enough to want to date me again. He loves me, yes, in a "person he use to be fond of" way, but he doesn't love me enough to risk anything! I don't know about you but I think everyone deserves someone who would want to give their all to another. Like how you're willing to do so, for your ex. I think we deserve the same love we give to others. This is why no contact is so important. I'll never be able to move on if I keep in contact with my ex. For me, it usually lasts a month or less before one of us gets in contact. So, it becomes harder and harder for me to move on. Just when I start to feel like my "pining meter" is decreasing. I'm reminded of him and what we could have if he would date me again. It feels so awful and I want it to end. I'm too afraid to block him but I feel, from all the advice I've read on this website, he needs to feel he's lost me. So I'm not going to respond to him anymore. In the meantime, the no contact will help to get him out of my mind so I can begin to move on.

 

I know it's hard because she contacts you but I promise you if you would let her go, not only will you begin to feel a little better, but she will be able to as well. If she were able to truly get a sense of what it would be like to really lose you. It would speed up the process of her "confusion and fear," that her friends say she has. She can't get that sense, if you're always available. "You don't know what you have until it's gone" really rings true for me. So I know, that's the case with our exes. I urge you to read more of the replies of "dumper's perspectives." I hone in on threads like this because if you see how dumpers feel about their decisions to break up with their partner, it would strike you. Albeit, make you very sick and miserable first, but then you'd get some "anger" (or fuel, if you will,) which is needed to motivate you to make better choices for yourself.

 

 

Good luck..

[mightycpa]

You really need to do only two things:

 

1) Have patience for your natural tendency to long for the past. It's not easy to let go.

 

2) Remember that your mind is in charge, and that no matter how much you want to change reality, you cannot. Therefore, let your mind be in charge of your actions and your heart be in charge of your wishful thinking.

 

As your mind takes charge of your daily business, activities, the girls you see and whatever it is that you do, your heart will change accordingly. However, when your heart takes the lead and drags you back to wherever it wants to go, talking to her, texting, seeing her, doing things with her, that is what keeps you mired in the past. You can't move on if you don't actually do the things one does when they move on. So don't let your heart get in the way of happiness. The heart is honest, but it won't always tell you the truth. Your mind, on the other hand, can see things for what they really are. Make sure your mind stays in charge, sets the agenda for what you DO, and don't give in to what your heart wants.

 

For example, you've blocked everything but her phone. That's the last lifeline to the past That's your heart deciding, not your head. Don't be afraid to cut the cord. Your heart may not be able to do that, but your head can. So just do it, and believe it or not, your heart will get used to the idea. That's what you want.

[ravfour4]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, all of what you said rang true. I'm getting closer to accepting that our prior relationship is over and am trending towards just being enamored by this girl who I happen to know everything about, soon I'll be hating her once my heart clears and my logic takes hold. In a cynical way I feel like I keep going back to avoid having to deal with the reality of what she did, when she's all nice and talking to me on the phone - I forget about the bad stuff.

 

At first, my fear of out of sight of of mind kept me contacting her, but if I use my brain and think back, the only thing that made her say she missed me and still had love or me were those 11 days of NC at the end of May. I also started to feel a lot better at that point although I strongly desired reaching out to her the day she ended up reaching out to me. I get scared that if I don't keep contacting her I'll blink an eye and she'll be engaged to someone else - I shouldn't care, she doesn't want me.

 

She went from thinking I don't love her, to falling head over heels in love with someone else to having me pine over her like crazy. I guess I've made things incredibly comfortable for her and while she says she wants me to be on my own, she really has not experienced what life is like without me. I hate that she's so weak and will hop from guy to guy in fear of being alone and dealing with her issues, but again, I shouldn't care. I just miss having her in my life, even the friend aspect, although if I wasn't so blinded id see what a terrible and hurtful friend she has been.

 

My date I was supposed to have tonight ditched out on me for the 3rd time after essentially begging me for to plan another "date" after she backed out last time. Whatever, doesn't bother me. I wish I could cut out my ex and hold strong boundaries for myself with my ex like I do with all other women, friends and family.