My story - he ended it, I think

[RoseVille]

I've been reading here for a few months, I suppose it's time to get my story out there for help. It'll probably be long, since I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this.

 

MM and I first met over 20 years ago, when we were teenagers working at the same place. We both thought the other was cute back then, but neither of us made a move - shy, I guess. Fast forward 15-ish years, and we're now working at the same place again, in very close proximity, and on some of the same tasks/projects. Over the past 4-5 years, we casually became acquaintances, then friends. It was strictly platonic up until about October of last year.

 

All prior to October, when we were truly, truly just platonic coworkers/buddies, among other topics, we talked about relationships and marriage in very vague, general terms. Having dated a string of jerks that he heard all about as they happened, I'd rant and vent and say unreasonable things like, "Guys suck." He'd say things like, "Don't ever get married," and, "It changes people." His frustration, agitation, etc., was written all over his face and conversations for a long time. He was clearly not happily married. I asked him why he stayed if things sucked so bad, and he said he stayed for his two young children, that he couldn't bare not seeing them anymore. During this platonic time, there were two occasions where he came to work visibly upset, depressed, sullen, watery/red eyes, sitting in his office just staring blankly at his screen. I assumed it was something serious, and asked what was wrong, and he blew me off and said it was nothing.

 

This is about when an EA, if it was an EA (confiding in me about more specific details, and flirting), began. During the EA period (October going forward), he told me that the reason he was so sad those days was because things had "reached a boiling point" and gotten really bad at home, and he'd left for a few days. He returned only because the break made him realize that he couldn't bare to be away from his kids and not see them everyday. He said that his marriage had issues "all marriages go through," and that he was willing to accept those issues so he could see the kids. He's been with his W for 20 years since they were 19, and married for 15; they have two young children; he's never lived alone; he'd only had sex with her and two other girls in high school. He talked about marriages as though they were all the same - described them all as having ups and downs (that part is true), full of resentment, bitterness, disrespect, poor communication, and uber-vanilla (at best) or non-existent sex (at worst). He really painted this dire picture of marriage, and that if anyone claimed to be happy, they had to be faking it. He also shared details of a true EA he had that eventually became somewhat physical (but not sex) he had a little over two years ago with a MW that ended abruptly when her H found out and demanded they cease contact, and how hurt he was by that ending. He'd said they'd both been looking for their emotional needs to be met because they weren't met in their respective marriages, and found that with each other. He seemed to still be somewhat sad/bummed about not being in contact with her anymore.

 

Long story short, I was into him, really into him. And while he made it clear that his marriage wasn't going to be ending anytime soon, he wanted to explore his options and see what's out there, and made no beans about the fact that he was attracted to me and had been for a while. We fell into an EA, that turned physical within a month or so later.

 

This was quite frankly some of the best sex of my life, and I became addicted to it and him. Nothing crazy, not swinging from chandeliers or anything, just really really good sex - he's a very generous, attentive lover, focused more on my pleasure than his own. He seemed quite wrapped up in our sex life, like a kid in a candy store, saying that we do (did) things that he and his W never do and haven't done, if ever, since their early 20s - pretty normal stuff to me, like sex with the lights on, or during the day, or in a position other than missionary. He was blown away that I was willing to perform oral on him, or that I'd initiate. These things just don't happen in his marriage, he literally gets weekend, nighttime sex with the lights off by pulling off their PJs and getting it done quick and then going to sleep. He couldn't get over the fact that I actually enjoyed it, and "didn't make it out to be a chore." He made me out to be a sex freak, a wild child. Although the sex itself was great, I thought our sexual acts were quite normal, average even.

 

MM has been painfully honest with me all along the way. All this time, he never hid the fact that they were/are in counseling to work on things, including their sex life (he told her during MC that he's been tempted by other women because of the emotional and sexual needs going unmet at home, and she's NOW making an effort, but he thinks it might be "too late," as there's too much resentment), and that he still occasionally has sex with his wife. And I knew when he'd recently tried to have sex or get oral from her, because he'd comment about my willingness or skill or enjoyment in a sort of comparative way (e.g., "I love how you don't act like you're doing me a favor, unlike some people"). He would also tell me that he he was struggling, as he either couldn't get it up, keep hard, or orgasm for her. ("I get so hard for you, which is awesome! It's hard to be into it and stay into it when the person you're with clearly just wants to get it over with.") He said once they got going, it was "fine and everything," but it was like "going through the motions," and that he still has a lot of built up resentment towards her for the issues they've struggled with in their marriage, and her sexuality (or lack thereof really) have made him lose interest.

 

Outside the bedroom, if I were to compliment him, appreciate something he did, acknowledge a job well done, ... in short, anything that showed him I valued him and that could make him feel good, he acted like he'd never experienced something like that before. The guy is just... STARVED. I really hope his marriage isn't the norm, otherwise I never want to get married.

 

It wasn't just sex. We have a genuine friendship, and care about each other a great deal. He was starting to feel a little like, well, "mine."

 

In any event, we carried on like this for a few months. Over the past couple weeks, he's started to "freak out" a little bit. He was having trouble sleeping, tossing and turning. Pulling back, feeling guilty, having a conscience, feeling conflicted. He'd literally leave my bed to head home, and find himself having to respond to texts from his wife about their son, and would be hit with the "dual life" that he's been living. He said he was getting nervous about getting sloppy, slipping up, being exposed. He almost texted her explicit texts meant for me, and was having trouble just being with her while thinking of me. He said he had so much on the line, and was getting scared.

 

In short, he ended it... I think. He said he wants to "slow things down a bit/back things off," that his "head isn't wrapped around everything quite right" and needs time, space, to "calm himself down inside." He said he wanted to try and make his marriage work, for the kids. That they'd been through a lot, and that it was hard to walk away. That he still had hope that things could turn around. And that even if they didn't, they seemed tolerable, and that if he had to sacrifice his happiness for his kids' sake, he would. He said if he didn't have kids, he wouldn't still be married. He also said he's afraid of being alone, and starting over from scratch, which leaving her would require. He also said that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's not good enough for me, even if he were free. And that he can't continue getting emotionally attached to me, because it's not helping his efforts to repair his marriage. Straight up, he doesn't want to be or get more emotionally attached to me, but finds that he is, and that needs to stop in order for his marriage to work.

 

I had no choice in the matter, so while I disagree with staying just because of the kids, I just said I was sad but understood. Later, I sent him a long note essentially telling him that I care about him and that I just want him to be happy, and that I hope he doesn't resign himself to accepting less. He responded by saying that my note, "meant more to him than anything else." Not sure what that means.

 

He left for a work trip, and will be out of the office for essentially two weeks. So I'll have a chance to start getting used to us being over, if we're over, while he's gone, so that it won't be too awkward when he gets back. I haven't haven't heard from him since he responded to my note. It's been 48 hours. We haven't gone that long without contact since the whole thing started. Not having him present in my life in some way feels weird.

 

And yeah, I fell for him. Hard. And the worst part of all of this is that I'm just so sad... not for myself, for him. I sincerely just want him to be happy.

[Popsicle]

Well, that's quite a story.

 

All you can do is let him go. And if I were you, I'd get another job. No way you'll be able to continue working around him.

[Adoraxx]

(((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))) Just wanted to send you some hugs, I know how painful this is. But I think he'll try to get you back after these two weeks, because that's what happens with most MM-stories :/. Is there a possibility to find a new job?

[sandylee1]

His marriage is NOT the norm at all. Please don't think this is the case. Indeed all marriages have their moments, but if the two are committed, communicate and seek professional advice, it can get much better. He's obviously thought long and hard about it and should his wife find out, she could divorce him and he'd not see the kids everyday.

 

I think him to focus on his marriage is a good thing and you can get a man who doesn't have to hightail back home after inimacy. You deserve someone who is ALL yours and you guys can be free to go out to restaurants, movies and so so many other places without feeling like fugitives.

 

Good Luck.

[anika99]

He's setting you up to accept to crumbs. Maybe not intentionally but that will be the outcome if you don't end this affair right now.

 

 

He will come back to you when he gets good and horny and needs his itch scratched and if you accept him into your bed again then he will get it into his head that you are fine with being ignored until he needs you and fine with being used as a marital aid.

 

 

You let yourself get sucked into his sad interpretation of his marriage. You don't know his wife's side of things, you don't what he is like to live with, you don't know what he's done or hasn't done to cause resentment and anger on her side. He's not perfect, does he ever admit to his own mistakes and flaws? You do know that this isn't his first rodeo as he's had an affair before and he probably hooked that woman in much the same way he hooked you. Building up your ego and specialness by comparing you to his wife. Eww...it should always be a red flag when a man compares you to another woman, especially a woman that he is currently married to and having sex with. You seem to feel so sad for him but has it never occurred to you that all his sneaky, dishonest, disloyal behaviour might be a big cause of the problems in his marriage? Like a lot of cheaters he is probably conflict avoidant and instead of dealing with the problems in his marriage head on he passively aggressively gets even with his wife by doing things behind her back. Like cheating and badmouthing her to other women. You see him as a victim but really he is the master manipulator here. He's got his home, his wife, his kids, his image, his status and on top of all of that he's got a mistress who is all doe eyed for him and ready to build up his ego and give him sex whenever he wants, even though he has no plans to leave his marriage and has nothing of real substance to offer her.

 

 

Bottom line, it really doesn't matter what is going on in his marriage or what his sad story is. This man has set you up to be his bit on the side while having no expectations of your own. Your role in his life is to make him feel good. You give him good sex and pay him compliments and listen in rapt attention to all of his stories, while he has made it clear from the beginning that he does not plan to leave his marriage, that he doesn't want to get caught and he doesn't want to live alone. So he has groomed you to accept that you have no right to make demands, that your job is to make him happy but you are not to interfere or threaten his real married life that he plans on keeping. The moment there is any hint of the affair being revealed under the bus wheels is where you will go.

 

 

I think you should aim for something better than this for yourself.

[lookingforclosure]

I've been reading here for a few months, I suppose it's time to get my story out there for help. It'll probably be long, since I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this.

 

MM and I first met over 20 years ago, when we were teenagers working at the same place. We both thought the other was cute back then, but neither of us made a move - shy, I guess. Fast forward 15-ish years, and we're now working at the same place again, in very close proximity, and on some of the same tasks/projects. Over the past 4-5 years, we casually became acquaintances, then friends. It was strictly platonic up until about October of last year.

 

All prior to October, when we were truly, truly just platonic coworkers/buddies, among other topics, we talked about relationships and marriage in very vague, general terms. Having dated a string of jerks that he heard all about as they happened, I'd rant and vent and say unreasonable things like, "Guys suck." He'd say things like, "Don't ever get married," and, "It changes people." His frustration, agitation, etc., was written all over his face and conversations for a long time. He was clearly not happily married. I asked him why he stayed if things sucked so bad, and he said he stayed for his two young children, that he couldn't bare not seeing them anymore. During this platonic time, there were two occasions where he came to work visibly upset, depressed, sullen, watery/red eyes, sitting in his office just staring blankly at his screen. I assumed it was something serious, and asked what was wrong, and he blew me off and said it was nothing.

 

This is about when an EA, if it was an EA (confiding in me about more specific details, and flirting), began. During the EA period (October going forward), he told me that the reason he was so sad those days was because things had "reached a boiling point" and gotten really bad at home, and he'd left for a few days. He returned only because the break made him realize that he couldn't bare to be away from his kids and not see them everyday. He said that his marriage had issues "all marriages go through," and that he was willing to accept those issues so he could see the kids. He's been with his W for 20 years since they were 19, and married for 15; they have two young children; he's never lived alone; he'd only had sex with her and two other girls in high school. He talked about marriages as though they were all the same - described them all as having ups and downs (that part is true), full of resentment, bitterness, disrespect, poor communication, and uber-vanilla (at best) or non-existent sex (at worst). He really painted this dire picture of marriage, and that if anyone claimed to be happy, they had to be faking it. He also shared details of a true EA he had that eventually became somewhat physical (but not sex) he had a little over two years ago with a MW that ended abruptly when her H found out and demanded they cease contact, and how hurt he was by that ending. He'd said they'd both been looking for their emotional needs to be met because they weren't met in their respective marriages, and found that with each other. He seemed to still be somewhat sad/bummed about not being in contact with her anymore.

 

Long story short, I was into him, really into him. And while he made it clear that his marriage wasn't going to be ending anytime soon, he wanted to explore his options and see what's out there, and made no beans about the fact that he was attracted to me and had been for a while. We fell into an EA, that turned physical within a month or so later.

 

This was quite frankly some of the best sex of my life, and I became addicted to it and him. Nothing crazy, not swinging from chandeliers or anything, just really really good sex - he's a very generous, attentive lover, focused more on my pleasure than his own. He seemed quite wrapped up in our sex life, like a kid in a candy store, saying that we do (did) things that he and his W never do and haven't done, if ever, since their early 20s - pretty normal stuff to me, like sex with the lights on, or during the day, or in a position other than missionary. He was blown away that I was willing to perform oral on him, or that I'd initiate. These things just don't happen in his marriage, he literally gets weekend, nighttime sex with the lights off by pulling off their PJs and getting it done quick and then going to sleep. He couldn't get over the fact that I actually enjoyed it, and "didn't make it out to be a chore." He made me out to be a sex freak, a wild child. Although the sex itself was great, I thought our sexual acts were quite normal, average even.

 

MM has been painfully honest with me all along the way. All this time, he never hid the fact that they were/are in counseling to work on things, including their sex life (he told her during MC that he's been tempted by other women because of the emotional and sexual needs going unmet at home, and she's NOW making an effort, but he thinks it might be "too late," as there's too much resentment), and that he still occasionally has sex with his wife. And I knew when he'd recently tried to have sex or get oral from her, because he'd comment about my willingness or skill or enjoyment in a sort of comparative way (e.g., "I love how you don't act like you're doing me a favor, unlike some people"). He would also tell me that he he was struggling, as he either couldn't get it up, keep hard, or orgasm for her. ("I get so hard for you, which is awesome! It's hard to be into it and stay into it when the person you're with clearly just wants to get it over with.") He said once they got going, it was "fine and everything," but it was like "going through the motions," and that he still has a lot of built up resentment towards her for the issues they've struggled with in their marriage, and her sexuality (or lack thereof really) have made him lose interest.

 

Outside the bedroom, if I were to compliment him, appreciate something he did, acknowledge a job well done, ... in short, anything that showed him I valued him and that could make him feel good, he acted like he'd never experienced something like that before. The guy is just... STARVED. I really hope his marriage isn't the norm, otherwise I never want to get married.

 

It wasn't just sex. We have a genuine friendship, and care about each other a great deal. He was starting to feel a little like, well, "mine."

 

In any event, we carried on like this for a few months. Over the past couple weeks, he's started to "freak out" a little bit. He was having trouble sleeping, tossing and turning. Pulling back, feeling guilty, having a conscience, feeling conflicted. He'd literally leave my bed to head home, and find himself having to respond to texts from his wife about their son, and would be hit with the "dual life" that he's been living. He said he was getting nervous about getting sloppy, slipping up, being exposed. He almost texted her explicit texts meant for me, and was having trouble just being with her while thinking of me. He said he had so much on the line, and was getting scared.

 

In short, he ended it... I think. He said he wants to "slow things down a bit/back things off," that his "head isn't wrapped around everything quite right" and needs time, space, to "calm himself down inside." He said he wanted to try and make his marriage work, for the kids. That they'd been through a lot, and that it was hard to walk away. That he still had hope that things could turn around. And that even if they didn't, they seemed tolerable, and that if he had to sacrifice his happiness for his kids' sake, he would. He said if he didn't have kids, he wouldn't still be married. He also said he's afraid of being alone, and starting over from scratch, which leaving her would require. He also said that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's not good enough for me, even if he were free. And that he can't continue getting emotionally attached to me, because it's not helping his efforts to repair his marriage. Straight up, he doesn't want to be or get more emotionally attached to me, but finds that he is, and that needs to stop in order for his marriage to work.

 

I had no choice in the matter, so while I disagree with staying just because of the kids, I just said I was sad but understood. Later, I sent him a long note essentially telling him that I care about him and that I just want him to be happy, and that I hope he doesn't resign himself to accepting less. He responded by saying that my note, "meant more to him than anything else." Not sure what that means.

 

He left for a work trip, and will be out of the office for essentially two weeks. So I'll have a chance to start getting used to us being over, if we're over, while he's gone, so that it won't be too awkward when he gets back. I haven't haven't heard from him since he responded to my note. It's been 48 hours. We haven't gone that long without contact since the whole thing started. Not having him present in my life in some way feels weird.

 

And yeah, I fell for him. Hard. And the worst part of all of this is that I'm just so sad... not for myself, for him. I sincerely just want him to be happy.

 

the bolded is exactly what xMM said to me....then through out a hook in Jan that we just needed time apart to know how 100% true our love was and he would contact me in a month....never to be heard from again

 

i think they all take the cowards way out, and i don't believe that it's 100% the kids why they stay...

[RoseVille]

(((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))) Just wanted to send you some hugs, I know how painful this is. But I think he'll try to get you back after these two weeks, because that's what happens with most MM-stories :/. Is there a possibility to find a new job?

 

Unfortunately, no. Perhaps we can find a way to move office locations so that we're not right next to each other, but there's no way I'm giving up my career. (Without going into detail, it's a career, not a job, the culmination of my life's work and dream.)

 

We were such good friends before this, that I believed that if it didn't work out, we'd be fine. He'll be fine, that's clear. I should have never gotten involved with someone at work, regardless of their marital status.

[RoseVille]

His marriage is NOT the norm at all. Please don't think this is the case. Indeed all marriages have their moments, but if the two are committed, communicate and seek professional advice, it can get much better. He's obviously thought long and hard about it and should his wife find out, she could divorce him and he'd not see the kids everyday.

 

I think him to focus on his marriage is a good thing and you can get a man who doesn't have to hightail back home after inimacy. You deserve someone who is ALL yours and you guys can be free to go out to restaurants, movies and so so many other places without feeling like fugitives.

 

Good Luck.

 

He says that she'd never leave him, even if she found out. That's she's essentially said as much. She's literally begged in the past for him to not leave, even while accusing him of cheating (when he wasn't). He said he just doesn't want to hurt her, that being exposed would crush her. He's very protective of her feelings.

 

You're totally right about being able to go out without being in secret. We've done that in the past on overnight work trips, his BFF was even with us (we work with him too). That was awesome, to be able to be out in public and affectionate in front of people we know.

[RoseVille]

i think they all take the cowards way out, and i don't believe that it's 100% the kids why they stay...

 

I agree with you.

[RoseVille]

He's setting you up to accept to crumbs. Maybe not intentionally but that will be the outcome if you don't end this affair right now.

 

 

He will come back to you when he gets good and horny and needs his itch scratched and if you accept him into your bed again then he will get it into his head that you are fine with being ignored until he needs you and fine with being used as a marital aid.

 

 

You let yourself get sucked into his sad interpretation of his marriage. You don't know his wife's side of things, you don't what he is like to live with, you don't know what he's done or hasn't done to cause resentment and anger on her side. He's not perfect, does he ever admit to his own mistakes and flaws? You do know that this isn't his first rodeo as he's had an affair before and he probably hooked that woman in much the same way he hooked you. Building up your ego and specialness by comparing you to his wife. Eww...it should always be a red flag when a man compares you to another woman, especially a woman that he is currently married to and having sex with. You seem to feel so sad for him but has it never occurred to you that all his sneaky, dishonest, disloyal behaviour might be a big cause of the problems in his marriage? Like a lot of cheaters he is probably conflict avoidant and instead of dealing with the problems in his marriage head on he passively aggressively gets even with his wife by doing things behind her back. Like cheating and badmouthing her to other women. You see him as a victim but really he is the master manipulator here. He's got his home, his wife, his kids, his image, his status and on top of all of that he's got a mistress who is all doe eyed for him and ready to build up his ego and give him sex whenever he wants, even though he has no plans to leave his marriage and has nothing of real substance to offer her.

 

 

Bottom line, it really doesn't matter what is going on in his marriage or what his sad story is. This man has set you up to be his bit on the side while having no expectations of your own. Your role in his life is to make him feel good. You give him good sex and pay him compliments and listen in rapt attention to all of his stories, while he has made it clear from the beginning that he does not plan to leave his marriage, that he doesn't want to get caught and he doesn't want to live alone. So he has groomed you to accept that you have no right to make demands, that your job is to make him happy but you are not to interfere or threaten his real married life that he plans on keeping. The moment there is any hint of the affair being revealed under the bus wheels is where you will go.

 

 

I think you should aim for something better than this for yourself.

 

Direct, tough love. I appreciate it.

 

My friend told me that he'll be back when he sees that he's still not happy, whether after this short trip or months from now, and when he does, to tell him to take a hike and not come back to me until he has divorce papers in his hand. I hope I'm strong enough to do that.

 

These 2 weeks will be good for that.

[lookingforclosure]

 

My friend told me that he'll be back when he sees that he's still not happy, whether after this short trip or months from now, and when he does, to tell him to take a hike and not come back to me until he has divorce papers in his hand. I hope I'm strong enough to do that.

 

Funny, my best friend says the very EXACT same thing, as the months have gone by i'm starting not to think that's true...BUT we will see

[sandylee1]

He says that she'd never leave him, even if she found out. That's she's essentially said as much. She's literally begged in the past for him to not leave, even while accusing him of cheating (when he wasn't). He said he just doesn't want to hurt her, that being exposed would crush her. He's very protective of her feelings.

 

 

 

You're totally right about being able to go out without being in secret. We've done that in the past on overnight work trips, his BFF was even with us (we work with him too). That was awesome, to be able to be out in public and affectionate in front of people we know.

 

The thing is you can never truly know if he's being totally honest with you. It's natural that he would want to protect the feelings of his wife and mother of his children. I think it's fair to say an affair discovery would crush any spouse. Just think of how you feel and he's not your husband.

 

The fact that you mentioned you had a career and built it, tells me you are a smart woman. I'm not here to preach, but relationships can be hard work at the best of times. When you're in an affair, it just creates so much more drama and hassle than you need.

 

Let him work on his marriage and try his utmost not to distabilise the life of the children he brought into this world.

 

You can re-adjust and get yourself into a better relationship in time. All you have to keep reminding yourself, is that YOU deserve better. Don't accept less or you'll get less.

 

The longer you're in an affair, the greater your chances of getting hurt. Whilst it's good to consider others, in a relationship, you need to think what YOU'RE getting out of it, what the future is for YOU and ask if YOUR needs are being met.

[RoseVille]

Funny, my best friend says the very EXACT same thing, as the months have gone by i'm starting not to think that's true...BUT we will see

 

I'm torn. I want him to come back, yet I don't.

[Grapesofwrath]

He's setting you up to accept to crumbs. Maybe not intentionally but that will be the outcome if you don't end this affair right now

 

Bottom line, it really doesn't matter what is going on in his marriage or what his sad story is. This man has set you up to be his bit on the side while having no expectations of your own. Your role in his life is to make him feel good. You give him good sex and pay him compliments and listen in rapt attention to all of his stories, while he has made it clear from the beginning that he does not plan to leave his marriage, that he doesn't want to get caught and he doesn't want to live alone. So he has groomed you to accept that you have no right to make demands, that your job is to make him happy but you are not to interfere or threaten his real married life that he plans on keeping. The moment there is any hint of the affair being revealed under the bus wheels is where you will go.

 

 

I think you should aim for something better than this for yourself.

 

this is so true. whether his marriage is abject misery, or much better than he describes, he is using you and taking advantage of your empathetic and compassionate nature. He takes from you, without giving. And I don't mean giving gifts or small gestures, if he intact does that. I mean that he uses you as his sanctuary, and does not provide the same to you. Rather,meh causes you to feel pain, longing, and loneliness. does that seem fair to you? does that seem like a friend?

[RoseVille]

this is so true. whether his marriage is abject misery, or much better than he describes, he is using you and taking advantage of your empathetic and compassionate nature. He takes from you, without giving. And I don't mean giving gifts or small gestures, if he intact does that. I mean that he uses you as his sanctuary, and does not provide the same to you. Rather,meh causes you to feel pain, longing, and loneliness. does that seem fair to you? does that seem like a friend?

 

No, it doesn't.

 

He regularly called me "his escape." I didn't like that, because he wasn't mine. He was my reality, and I told him that. He said I was his reality too, but that he still has two realities, and I was the escape from the "hum drum reality and tough homefront"... This seemed to set off the "dual life" thinking that made him back off.

 

I felt wanted like I haven't felt in a long time. But beyond that, he didn't give me much.

[the_artist_1970]

No, it doesn't.

 

He regularly called me "his escape." I didn't like that, because he wasn't mine. He was my reality, and I told him that. He said I was his reality too, but that he still has two realities, and I was the escape from the "hum drum reality and tough homefront"... This seemed to set off the "dual life" thinking that made him back off.

 

I felt wanted like I haven't felt in a long time. But beyond that, he didn't give me much.

 

This guy is really good. He has you pulling out all the stops and feeding his ego all while feeding you a bunch of lines about how bad his M is. Have you ever considered that just maybe he is so attentive and good in bed and making you feel so good because he has done this before. Maybe that is why his M is so bad because he makes women outside of his M climb walls in the bedroom and his W has found out a couple of times and she is disgusted by him and not wasting her time on building his low self esteem. Please stop believing everything he says. MM who cheat lie to everyone. You sound very naive and a little bit starved for attention. Get a handle on that and learn to enjoy being single. There are single men who are just as much attentive and they will wake up with you in the morning and not go to another woman.

 

And the fact that he is comparing you to his W is sick on SO many levels. How are you even allowing that. He is telling you that he and his W have s*x and you feel good about the fact that you are pleasing him more than her. There is something wrong with your self worth. A big red flag is that he cares about his W feelings and he has let you know that. If you think you can get good loving only from a MM, that shows that your ability to commit to available men is broken.

[Popsicle]

xMM told me that he feels like he wants to escape when he's with his family. I don't know if that's all the time or sometimes but I don't really understand why. His wife seems okay to me.

[RoseVille]

This guy is really good. He has you pulling out all the stops and feeding his ego all while feeding you a bunch of lines about how bad his M is. Have you ever considered that just maybe he is so attentive and good in bed and making you feel so good because he has done this before. Maybe that is why his M is so bad because he makes women outside of his M climb walls in the bedroom and his W has found out a couple of times and she is disgusted by him and not wasting her time on building his low self esteem. Please stop believing everything he says. MM who cheat lie to everyone. You sound very naive and a little bit starved for attention. Get a handle on that and learn to enjoy being single. There are single men who are just as much attentive and they will wake up with you in the morning and not go to another woman.

 

Um, I've been single for several years.

 

I do believe what he says because he tells me obvious things I shouldn't want to know. And I do believe she doesn't know of his affairs. I believe she suspects, but she's never outright asked. He's terrified of being asked outright.

 

And the fact that he is comparing you to his W is sick on SO many levels. How are you even allowing that. He is telling you that he and his W have s*x and you feel good about the fact that you are pleasing him more than her.

 

Where did I say any of this? You're being really aggressive and reading in between the lines, but this isn't true. He's not outright comparing me to her, and I certainly don't feel good about him having sex with his wife.

 

There is something wrong with your self worth. A big red flag is that he cares about his W feelings and he has let you know that. If you think you can get good loving only from a MM, that shows that your ability to commit to available men is broken.

 

Again, you're being really aggressive, and I'm not sure why.

 

I'm also not clear why it's a BAD thing that he cares about his W's feelings.

[ladydesigner]

This guy is really good. He has you pulling out all the stops and feeding his ego all while feeding you a bunch of lines about how bad his M is. Have you ever considered that just maybe he is so attentive and good in bed and making you feel so good because he has done this before. Maybe that is why his M is so bad because he makes women outside of his M climb walls in the bedroom and his W has found out a couple of times and she is disgusted by him and not wasting her time on building his low self esteem. Please stop believing everything he says. MM who cheat lie to everyone. You sound very naive and a little bit starved for attention. Get a handle on that and learn to enjoy being single. There are single men who are just as much attentive and they will wake up with you in the morning and not go to another woman.

 

And the fact that he is comparing you to his W is sick on SO many levels. How are you even allowing that. He is telling you that he and his W have s*x and you feel good about the fact that you are pleasing him more than her. There is something wrong with your self worth. A big red flag is that he cares about his W feelings and he has let you know that. If you think you can get good loving only from a MM, that shows that your ability to commit to available men is broken.

 

Be careful OP while I am a BS just want to say my WH told the MOW in our situation the same. That we never have sex, bad sex, prudish sex, blah, blah blah. My WH is VERY good in bed. I know MOW thought so too. The bolded is very true in some cases. Just an FYI: I am a freak in the bedroom and our sex life waned because of other things happening in life. WH treated the situation like an entitled brat and found some strange on the side.

 

Just be careful. Eyes Wide Open.

[RoseVille]

Be careful OP while I am a BS just want to say my WH told the MOW in our situation the same. That we never have sex, bad sex, prudish sex, blah, blah blah. My WH is VERY good in bed. I know MOW thought so too. The bolded is very true in some cases. Just an FYI: I am a freak in the bedroom and our sex life waned because of other things happening in life. WH treated the situation like an entitled brat and found some strange on the side.

 

Just be careful. Eyes Wide Open.

 

I appreciate that, but I'm not sure you BS's are helping here.

 

In this case, I really do believe him about his sex life. If you were with him and saw his reaction to my willingness to do the most basic of things, you'd understand. He may be a good liar, but mid-sex, I'm certain his reactions were sincere.

 

Flip it around. A WH is a good liar, right? How do you know he wasn't lying to YOU about his satisfaction with you? The lies aren't only towards the OW, and in this case, I really do think he's being honest with me about what's gone on at home, what he sincerely feels.

 

Btw, the term "some strange" when talking to an OW about her hurt is pretty offensive.

Edited May 4, 2015 by RoseVille

[RoseVille]

xMM told me that he feels like he wants to escape when he's with his family. I don't know if that's all the time or sometimes but I don't really understand why. His wife seems okay to me.

 

Same. She seems fine, even with what he's described.

[the_artist_1970]

Um, I've been single for several years.

 

I do believe what he says because he tells me obvious things I shouldn't want to know. And I do believe she doesn't know of his affairs. I believe she suspects, but she's never outright asked. He's terrified of being asked outright.

 

 

 

Where did I say any of this? You're being really aggressive and reading in between the lines, but this isn't true. He's not outright comparing me to her, and I certainly don't feel good about him having sex with his wife.

 

 

 

Again, you're being really aggressive, and I'm not sure why.

 

I'm also not clear why it's a BAD thing that he cares about his W's feelings.

 

I'm sorry if you think I was too aggressive, I just wanted you to look into the situation and realizing you are only hearing one side of the story. There is another woman involved and you don't know if he is giving you 100% truth (usually MM don't give anyone the truth). I just think it's cruel of him to you to tell you how much better you are "doing him" than his W. I just wonder if you have put your feeling on the back burner for him because he is so "special", because that would hurt the average woman with healthy self esteem feelings. I didn't mean to offend you. You will see that he is just another cheating MM/conflict avoider who lies to women to get his fragile ego stroked.

[Grapesofwrath]

My xMM would say that I am "gift" to him. That he doesn't deserve me, that he is greedy and selfish where I'm concerned. At first, this all sounded romantic. But over time, it starts to feel different. Because therein lies the truth. Yours says you are an escape. and you are. a wonderful sweet escape. he will want to maintain that for as long as he can, because it works for him. Now he is back pedaling, to ratchet down your expectations. Probably fear of being caught, or having things get out of control.

 

How were you able to be affectionate in front of his BFF? Does the BFF know about your A? Maybe MM is worried about exposure there. In any case, the bottom line is that you are not getting what you deserve here. He won't protect your feelings or take care of you in this R, so you're going to have to do that for yourself.

[ladydesigner]

I appreciate that, but I'm not sure you BS's are helping here.

 

In this case, I really do believe him about his sex life. If you were with him and saw his reaction to my willingness to do the most basic of things, you'd understand. He may be a good liar, but mid-sex, I'm certain his reactions were sincere.

 

Flip it around. A WH is a good liar, right? How do you know he wasn't lying to YOU about his satisfaction with you? The lies aren't only towards the OW, and in this case, I really do think he's being honest with me about what's gone on at home, what he sincerely feels.

 

Btw, the term "some strange" when talking to an OW about her hurt is pretty offensive.

 

I apologize if it came off as offensive. The way my WH has sex I would consider "strange." whether its with me or anyone else. I know what kind of sex he likes. I honestly did not mean to offend you.

 

And the bolded is probably true, not that I care anymore what my WH thinks, but yes you are probably correct. My WH is a Class A liar and I'm sure he even lied to himself.

[RoseVille]

I apologize if it came off as offensive. The way my WH has sex I would consider "strange." whether its with me or anyone else. I know what kind of sex he likes. I honestly did not mean to offend you.

 

And the bolded is probably true, not that I care anymore what my WH thinks, but yes you are probably correct. My WH is a Class A liar and I'm sure he even lied to himself.

 

"Wait, what are you doing? You're okay with the lights on?"

 

"Oh Jesus, oh Jesus! OMG. What are you doing?!" when climbing on top of him or taking him in my mouth.

 

I mean, he isn't a freak. At all. But he acts like I am over pretty standard sex. He's like... genuinely AMAZED that I'm willing to have sex "outside the box." When he explains that his sex life "leaves a lot to be desired," he says we do things that his W is unwilling to do. He doesn't talk about her skills, just the acts themselves that aren't available to him, which aren't freaky.

 

He's talked about this in MC, telling her outright that what's lacking makes him attracted to other women who might be.

 

She blames porn.

 

We've watched porn together, and it's, again, pretty standard stuff. PIV, cowgirl. A blow job. Big whop.

 

This is why I believe him about his sex life being really vanilla. I think that might have a lot to do with him only having a couple partners as a teenager, and nothing new since.