My story - he ended it, I think

[Ruffian1]

That he still had hope that things could turn around. And that even if they didn't, they seemed tolerable, and that if he had to sacrifice his happiness for his kids' sake, he would

 

 

Really??

 

 

He has multiple A's and he is sacrificing his happiness for his kids?

 

 

Oh, what a hard life, what a martyr. Cake and eating it, what's a guy to do?

 

 

So, exactly what is it he is sacrificing?????

[RoseVille]

That he still had hope that things could turn around. And that even if they didn't, they seemed tolerable, and that if he had to sacrifice his happiness for his kids' sake, he would

 

 

Really??

 

 

He has multiple A's and he is sacrificing his happiness for his kids?

 

 

Oh, what a hard life, what a martyr. Cake and eating it, what's a guy to do?

 

 

So, exactly what is it he is sacrificing?????

 

Sex, respect, appreciation, communication, overall happiness instead of "tolerating" his wife. But primarily sex that he finds satisfying, I think.

 

I may have imagined it, but I have a vague recollection pre-EA even of him saying he is more confident he'll leave when the kids are older, like in high school. That's several years away.

[Sassy Girl]

Sex, respect, appreciation, communication, overall happiness instead of "tolerating" his wife. But primarily sex that he finds satisfying, I think.

 

I may have imagined it, but I have a vague recollection pre-EA even of him saying he is more confident he'll leave when the kids are older, like in high school. That's several years away.

 

That was before he found someone who was willing to settle for an affair situation and be his bit on the side.

 

With you at his beck and call, willing to settle for so little from him, he has no motivation to leave his marriage now.

[RoseVille]

That was before he found someone who was willing to settle for an affair situation and be his bit on the side.

 

With you at his beck and call, willing to settle for so little from him, he has no motivation to leave his marriage now.

 

He ended it though...?

[Sassy Girl]

 

And yet here, I know I will, if he comes back soon enough... I don't want to, but I know I will.

 

He'll be back...and you'll settle

[RoseVille]

He'll be back...and you'll settle

 

Why not be supportive like other posters who are crossing their fingers for me? Is this reverse psychology at work?

 

Edit: I'm sad because... I really don't think he will be. And that upsets me. Yet I know it's better for me.

[Southern Sun]

He ended it though...?

 

He'll most likely be back. For at least a few more rounds anyway. He might go as long as you allow it, or he might actually be one of the others (although I'm already hearing 'serial cheater' in your description). Time will tell. It will be a roller coaster in the meantime so buckle up (get off the ride, get off the ride!).

 

Anyway.

 

As far as your other question about how to stop it, it comes down to you just saying no. But you actually have to do that and mean it and I don't think that's where you are.

[ladydesigner]

Sometimes I feel like I'm competing, and other times I feel like she and I are both screwed. I'm everything she isn't, and vice versa. I have some pluses in my column, but so does she - ostensibly more meaningful pluses at that (20 years together, children, history). She could easily compete with me by taking over my pluses; I can never take over hers. If there's a competition, I know she'll win every time.

 

The last paragraph sounds like addiction, and I have at times felt addicted to him. Other than changing workplaces (won't be my doing, he might be able to leave though, but it won't be a quick and easy move), what do you suggest in terms of avoiding the cycle? Just hold firm if he returns?

 

An affair feels very much and is like an addiction. You almost have to treat the ending the same way otherwise one or both come back and start the dance again. That is why many are saying your MM will contact you again.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Roseville,

 

I think the fact that he has had a prior affair that only ended when the BH found out is very telling. Are you at all concerned that that affair lasted as long as it did and he didn't leave his wife?

 

I agree with you when you said you should have never got involved with a co-worker. Women often bear a larger consequence career wise for doing so.

 

If he has stated that he wants to work on his marriage and you want him to be happy...why do you feel that you know better than he does. Do you not believe him? And if not why? Haven't you stated that you feel he speaks honestly to you.

 

Not to mention.....start living your life....what works for you....what you want. Do not get tangled up in someone else's mess.

[whichwayisup]

Sex, respect, appreciation, communication, overall happiness instead of "tolerating" his wife. But primarily sex that he finds satisfying, I think.

 

I may have imagined it, but I have a vague recollection pre-EA even of him saying he is more confident he'll leave when the kids are older, like in high school. That's several years away.

 

That age is actually worse as teens can react badly and get into trouble. On another thread there's a situation where MM left his wife and kids and now the daughter is cutting and having all sorts of issues.

 

Do you really want to sit and wait 'years' for him? That is, IF he ever divorces? What a waste of your life...

 

If he wanted to divorce he would. Thousands of people do it all the time.

 

Since you work with him, only deal with him for professional reasons, no personal chit chat, no long stares, eye contact etc. Stay out of his way much as you can.

[Sassy Girl]

Why not be supportive like other posters who are crossing their fingers for me? Is this reverse psychology at work?

 

Edit: I'm sad because... I really don't think he will be. And that upsets me. Yet I know it's better for me.

 

Being supportive isn't always about telling you what you want to hear.Its about helping you see reality.

 

What am I supposed to cross my fingers for? The only thing thats clear form your posting is that you want him back. Sorry, im not going to "cross my fingers" for you.

 

There are tons of people here trying to give you the benefit of their experience but you dont want to hear it. Thats OK. Its early days. You'll see it eventually.

 

For example...all these comparisons he makes between you and his wife is designed to make you fall over yourself to please him. Its triangualtion. Google it.

 

My MM also tells me we do more than he does with his wife, and things he has never done before. Ill agree with the other poster that his reactions seem disingenuous because most men just aren't that naive. In any case, its not really relevant. What is relevant is that he is cake eating and you're the baker. I know this because my MM is a cake eater. IM married too, so neither of us have any interest in leaving marriages. My MM feels that he became attached to his wife too early. His friends over the years openly teased him about being tied down while they were sowing their wild oats. Now the tables are turned. He has absolutely NO INTEREST in changing his comfortable life - wife, home, kids, job, friendships, extended family...with me on the side hes getting all he wanted and more. And Im cool with that because Im obviously a cake eater too.

 

But you are single. And thats a different game. We have seen instances where this kind of dysfunction has gone on for YEARS and its such a waste.

Dont you want more for yourself?

 

Your self esteem is in the pits. You need to get some counselling. I know its in the pits because he has told you he wants to work on his marriage. He put you in competition with his wife for months and despite all your best efforts, you still lost. And she didn't even know she was competing with you - you had the competitive edge! And he still chose her. Makes you really wonder if it was a bad as you were told, right?

 

Stop contacting him. Your attempt to win him back with long letters about doing what makes him "happy" is just feeding his ego. Its so transparent that what youre doing is saying "Me! Me! Pick me!!"

 

He didnt pick you. If he comes back, hes still not picking you. Hes using you - to "escape". Its up to you whether you let him continue cake eating at the expense of your own self worth. This will destroy you if you allow him to come back. Youre already willing to settle for so little.

[RoseVille]

Roseville,

 

I think the fact that he has had a prior affair that only ended when the BH found out is very telling. Are you at all concerned that that affair lasted as long as it did and he didn't leave his wife?

 

I agree with you when you said you should have never got involved with a co-worker. Women often bear a larger consequence career wise for doing so.

 

If he has stated that he wants to work on his marriage and you want him to be happy...why do you feel that you know better than he does. Do you not believe him? And if not why? Haven't you stated that you feel he speaks honestly to you.

 

Not to mention.....start living your life....what works for you....what you want. Do not get tangled up in someone else's mess.

 

I don't think I know better than he does? He said he wants to work on his marriage. I want him to be happy. Those things aren't inconsistent with each other. Not sure why you think I think I know better...?

 

But you're wrong about honesty. I do feel he's been honest with me; painfully so at times.

[RoseVille]

That age is actually worse as teens can react badly and get into trouble. On another thread there's a situation where MM left his wife and kids and now the daughter is cutting and having all sorts of issues.

 

Do you really want to sit and wait 'years' for him? That is, IF he ever divorces? What a waste of your life...

 

If he wanted to divorce he would. Thousands of people do it all the time.

 

Since you work with him, only deal with him for professional reasons, no personal chit chat, no long stares, eye contact etc. Stay out of his way much as you can.

 

I agree with you, it would be worse if he waited.

 

And no, I'm not going to wait. He's never led me to believe he ever would.

[Majormisstep]

Rose, this sucks and I am sorry you are hurting. Detaching from someone you fell hard for is one of the hardest things we can try to do as human beings. Stay strong...he didn't "end" it with you, he only advised that he's guilty, needs to be there for his kids and work on his marriage - aka, if you're willing to accept the crumbs I can offer at this time, then maybe we can continue on in some fashion that works for ME. Bleh.

 

The other posters are right, they're not belittling you or your attachment to this MM, but only that the stories he's conveyed are not 100% accurate. What he's told you is HIS version of the M, their unfulfilling sex life and the rest. His W probably has a completely different story....and the truth likely lies in the middle. Rose, you may do things with this man that could make a sex trade worker blush but it doesn't matter. He'll keep taking his vanilla/security/family image any day over the way you make him feel. That's just how these guys roll.

 

Do something kind for YOURSELF and walk away during his absence. Take your power back and let him "suffer" with his boring, lights out sex life. Too bad for him! You are free (sorry I didn't catch if you are M or not) to find an available partner to explore new opportunities with. Take it back...

[Grapesofwrath]

By the way, there's only a very subtle level of dishonesty and manipulation going on with your MM's reaction to your bedroom activities. Straightforward, honest responses would be something like, "Wow, that feels great. It's been forever since I've felt that and I forgot how wonderful it can be" and "I love the fact that we're keeping the light on--at home, my wife always makes me shut the light off."

 

Now, unless your MM was simply being sarcastic, his pseudo shock at your actions are dishonest. It's an indirect way of communicating what I've written above but in a slightly dishonest manner that typifies a passive-aggressive, conflict-avoidant and manipulative personality.

 

If my MM, or any man for that matter, said that bolded statement to me while we were en flagrante, I would put on the brakes immediately. And put on my clothes, next. One does not mention other partners while one is making love, IMO. Unless that other person is in the room with you, literally.

[RoseVille]

By the way, there's only a very subtle level of dishonesty and manipulation going on with your MM's reaction to your bedroom activities. Straightforward, honest responses would be something like, "Wow, that feels great. It's been forever since I've felt that and I forgot how wonderful it can be" and "I love the fact that we're keeping the light on--at home, my wife always makes me shut the light off."

 

Now, unless your MM was simply being sarcastic, his pseudo shock at your actions are dishonest. It's an indirect way of communicating what I've written above but in a slightly dishonest manner that typifies a passive-aggressive, conflict-avoidant and manipulative personality.

 

He did/does both. He reacted very surprised the first time each new act happened, and would follow that up later, after sex was done, usually when we were fully clothed and hanging out, with what you said.

 

You keep calling it shock, you're making it out to be some juvenile crazy reaction. It's not shock. It's genuine surprise and pleasure that this is happening, he just can't believe it.

 

He's far from conflict-avoidant.

[GollumsNightmare]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GollumsNightmare

Really, what more is there to say?

So I'm not allowed to talk about this situation, because he ended it for this reason? Is that what you're suggesting?

 

I am suggesting, he has TOLD you what he wants. Why not believe him? Why second guess and compare yourself with his wife to all of us? He wants to WORK on his MARRIAGE for the sake of his KIDS. You know what? If he puts the time and effort into his marriage that he has been putting into this affair, things just might be a lot better at home for him, his wife AND his kids. Just sayin'.

[RoseVille]

I am suggesting, he has TOLD you what he wants. Why not believe him? Why second guess and compare yourself with his wife to all of us?

 

I'm not second guessing him. I believe him. Where have I said he's wrong, he wants me more, whatever?

 

Why are you so dang aggressive? It's not helpful whatsoever. Let me guess, you're a BS, and thus have an agenda based on your hurt feelings and history. I get it. But check it at the door.

[GollumsNightmare]

Not aggressive at all. Just trying to help, but perhaps that isnt what you want. Perhaps you just want to be heard and I get that.

 

I have been on both sides of the infidelity game and both sides suck. No doubt about it. I can guarantee, however, that if a MM told me he wanted to work on his marriage for the sake of his KIDS, I would bow out in a second. But, that's just me. You are free to ignore all the well meaning advice you've been given. No sweat off my back.

[RoseVille]

Rose, this sucks and I am sorry you are hurting. Detaching from someone you fell hard for is one of the hardest things we can try to do as human beings. Stay strong...he didn't "end" it with you, he only advised that he's guilty, needs to be there for his kids and work on his marriage - aka, if you're willing to accept the crumbs I can offer at this time, then maybe we can continue on in some fashion that works for ME. Bleh.

 

The other posters are right, they're not belittling you or your attachment to this MM, but only that the stories he's conveyed are not 100% accurate. What he's told you is HIS version of the M, their unfulfilling sex life and the rest. His W probably has a completely different story....and the truth likely lies in the middle. Rose, you may do things with this man that could make a sex trade worker blush but it doesn't matter. He'll keep taking his vanilla/security/family image any day over the way you make him feel. That's just how these guys roll.

 

Do something kind for YOURSELF and walk away during his absence. Take your power back and let him "suffer" with his boring, lights out sex life. Too bad for him! You are free (sorry I didn't catch if you are M or not) to find an available partner to explore new opportunities with. Take it back...

 

He did say that he wanted to work on his M, needed space, time, to figure things out, but in turn, I said, "So this is over, it's done, you're ending it?" and he said yes... "for now, but I don't want you thinking that means I want you to wait around while I figure stuff out, that wouldn't be fair." It felt like a "Shoo! Get away from me!" Also, I am very single, and he knows this. Part of what hurt me over the past week was when he made it sound like he'd be totally cool if I needed to stop the A so I could pursue a relationship. Like, "Cool!" It felt like he almost liked the idea of me being with someone else and ending things with him, as if that would be the excuse to end it - stopping his guilt, but not ruining his chances to take it back up in the future if my R didn't work out (which him ending it might have done).

 

I haven't gone a day without hearing from him several times throughout the day. I haven't heard from him since he ended it.

 

I've felt attacked half of the time in this thread, and understood (not coddled, just understood) the other half of the time. I'm a pretty intuitive person, and can pick out the BS's by their responses. It kinda sucks that there are these people here giving thinly-veiled attacks in the form of "advice."

[RoseVille]

Not aggressive at all. Just trying to help, but perhaps that isnt what you want. Perhaps you just want to be heard and I get that.

 

I have been on both sides of the infidelity game and both sides suck. No doubt about it. I can guarantee, however, that if a MM told me he wanted to work on his marriage for the sake of his KIDS, I would bow out in a second. But, that's just me. You are free to ignore all the well meaning advice you've been given. No sweat off my back.

 

You're acting like I've done otherwise. I have no choice in the matter, he's gone.

[Ruffian1]

him saying he is more confident he'll leave when the kids are older, like in high school. That's several years away.

 

 

What a sh*ty thing to do to your wife. He screws around for years and then dumps her when she is much older after raising his kids.

 

 

Why don't he tell her his plan to leave when the kids are older?? Who wants to be left in middle age or older?

 

 

Why don't he give her the option to shop around too?

 

 

Oh, because that doesn't work they way he wants it too. Why don't he be honest with her and let her prepare for a future alone, instead of deceiving and using her? Selfish, selfish man.

[RoseVille]

Your self esteem is in the pits. You need to get some counselling. I know its in the pits because he has told you he wants to work on his marriage. He put you in competition with his wife for months and despite all your best efforts, you still lost. And she didn't even know she was competing with you - you had the competitive edge! And he still chose her. Makes you really wonder if it was a bad as you were told, right?

 

LOL. It's like you're actively TRYING to make me feel bad.

 

Stop contacting him. Your attempt to win him back with long letters about doing what makes him "happy" is just feeding his ego. Its so transparent that what youre doing is saying "Me! Me! Pick me!!"

 

I haven't contacted him. I said I wanted him to be happy, and used the word "GOODBYE."

 

He didnt pick you. If he comes back, hes still not picking you. Hes using you - to "escape".

 

None of the way you phrase anything is helpful or kind. I won't be reading your posts anymore.

[RoseVille]

him saying he is more confident he'll leave when the kids are older, like in high school. That's several years away.

 

 

What a sh*ty thing to do to your wife. He screws around for years and then dumps her when she is much older after raising his kids.

 

 

Why don't he tell her his plan to leave when the kids are older?? Who wants to be left in middle age or older?

 

 

Why don't he give her the option to shop around too?

 

 

Oh, because that doesn't work they way he wants it too. Why don't he be honest with her and let her prepare for a future alone, instead of deceiving and using her? Selfish, selfish man.

 

He gave her the option to shop around. Last year, he broached the subject of an open marriage, or at the least, a free pass, to allow them each to explore their sexual urges. She freaked out and said that she's never even thought about another man, not even while reading Fifty Shades. He didn't believe her, as he thinks everyone "thinks" about other people in the course of a long term relationship, and his admission that he even thinks about other women really, really upset her.

 

But I agree with you about the timing. Devising an exit-plan like that is just not right (assuming he's sincere about it).

[Bittersweetie]

II'm a pretty intuitive person, and can pick out the BS's by their responses. It kinda sucks that there are these people here giving thinly-veiled attacks in the form of "advice."

 

Rose, I'm going to gently point out, as a former wayward wife who has been on this forum years now, that responses from all sides can provide important insights. Sometimes those responses aren't worded very nicely, or sometimes one is not ready to receive that response. Personally I have found that the posts that have pissed me off the most are the ones that ended up highlighting where I needed to grow the most. Obviously though it is up to you to take the advice that speaks to you and ignore the rest. (You can even use the ignore feature if you like.) Good luck.