My story - he ended it, I think

[lookingforclosure]

Rose

Trust and believe that everyone on here has been in your shoes or in a somewhat similar arrangement, and are truly trying to be helpful. No one is trying to intentionally hurt your feelings or make you feel backed into a corner. Many on here have years of experience that they are drawing on to try and show you that some things don't always appear as they are presented to us.

My xMM said all kinds of compliments of our sexual encounters and that his sex life was dull, or basically nonexistent with BS. He wasn't in love with her anymore...wasn't attracted to her anymore. And then about a year and a half later told me the same thing. He thought he needed to try and work on his marriage for the kids. Then a month later threw out a hook that he didn;t think he could make it work and we just needed time apart to see how true our love was...that he would call me in a month. He had been doing the whole one step forward/two steps back for the last three months of our A. I have never heard from him again. He has went to the lengths to block me on his phones and email.

It devastated me and put me into a severe state of depression.

I was grateful to find this forum and the support from all these people who have walked a mile, or maybe ten in my shoes. There were things I didn't want to hear as well...but in the end, most everything I was told on here has become my reality.

I wish you well in your journey to find peace within yourself, i'm still working on that as well

[RoseVille]

Rose, I'm going to gently point out, as a former wayward wife who has been on this forum years now, that responses from all sides can provide important insights. Sometimes those responses aren't worded very nicely, or sometimes one is not ready to receive that response. Personally I have found that the posts that have pissed me off the most are the ones that ended up highlighting where I needed to grow the most. Obviously though it is up to you to take the advice that speaks to you and ignore the rest. (You can even use the ignore feature if you like.) Good luck.

 

Of course they can. But it's no surprise that the attacking posts come from a people with particular experience.

 

I'm just telling those who (pretend like they) are trying to help with attacks and mockery of my situation and my feelings that it's not helpful TO ME to attack me. It has the exact opposite result of what's intended.

[Grapesofwrath]

He did say that he wanted to work on his M, needed space, time, to figure things out, but in turn, I said, "So this is over, it's done, you're ending it?" and he said yes... "for now, but I don't want you thinking that means I want you to wait around while I figure stuff out, that wouldn't be fair." It felt like a "Shoo! Get away from me!" Also, I am very single, and he knows this. Part of what hurt me over the past week was when he made it sound like he'd be totally cool if I needed to stop the A so I could pursue a relationship. Like, "Cool!" It felt like he almost liked the idea of me being with someone else and ending things with him, as if that would be the excuse to end it - stopping his guilt, but not ruining his chances to take it back up in the future if my R didn't work out (which him ending it might have done).

 

 

I read that a slightly different way: I think he wants to end the A to work on his M. I think we all agree this is a laudable thing to do. It may not make a difference, but you've got to at least try. I've been married, and I have kids. You don't walk away from that until you feel you've given it every thing you've got. I also think he doesn't want to cause you additional pain by being brutal about it. He'd probably prefer that you end it, because you met someone else, because that would make him feel like less of a heel and you would not be hurt. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here...he doesn't enjoy hurting you, but he has made a choice.

 

You get to decide if anything happens in the future. If you decide it won't, then it won't.

[RoseVille]

I read that a slightly different way: I think he wants to end the A to work on his M. I think we all agree this is a laudable thing to do. It may not make a difference, but you've got to at least try. I've been married, and I have kids. You don't walk away from that until you feel you've given it every thing you've got. I also think he doesn't want to cause you additional pain by being brutal about it. He'd probably prefer that you end it, because you met someone else, because that would make him feel like less of a heel and you would not be hurt. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here...he doesn't enjoy hurting you, but he has made a choice.

 

Thanks, Grapes.

 

I agree with all of this, and he's said many of the same things himself. He said things like, "I can't allow myself to develop stronger feelings for you, it's affecting my marriage." And I said, "It's not CAN'T. It's DON'T WANT TO. It's not that you can't leave your wife. It's that you don't want to. It's not that you can't allow yourself to develop stronger feelings, it's that you don't want to." And he said, "Yikes, that's a mean way of putting it. But yes, that's true." He kept trying to dance around things, and I'd clarify for him, outright put words in his mouth. He'd say, "I need to slow things down, take a step back..." and I'd say, "You mean you want to STOP and end this, it's over." And he'd kinda wince and say yes. He was tentative, and I'd use the hammer to hit the nail in the coffin.

 

You get to decide if anything happens in the future. If you decide it won't, then it won't.

 

I get to decide if it continues if, and only if, he comes back. Argh.

 

I think it's my ego. I want him to come back so that I'm not fully rejected, so I can reject.

[GollumsNightmare]

Gently, what you don't seem to understand is that no one on here has attacked you. They may have been blunt, but no one has said anything to deliberately HURT you. You are understandably very hurt by the end of the A and defensive right now. We all get that. We have all been there. But, if you go back and read the whole thread again, you might feel different about the posters' intent. Best of luck to you. I wish you nothing but peace.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks, Grapes.

 

I agree with all of this, and he's said many of the same things himself. He said things like, "I can't allow myself to develop stronger feelings for you, it's affecting my marriage." And I said, "It's not CAN'T. It's DON'T WANT TO. It's not that you can't leave your wife. It's that you don't want to. It's not that you can't allow yourself to develop stronger feelings, it's that you don't want to." And he said, "Yikes, that's a mean way of putting it. But yes, that's true." He kept trying to dance around things, and I'd clarify for him, outright put words in his mouth. He'd say, "I need to slow things down, take a step back..." and I'd say, "You mean you want to STOP and end this, it's over." And he'd kinda wince and say yes. He was tentative, and I'd use the hammer to hit the nail in the coffin.

 

I get to decide if it continues if, and only if, he comes back. Argh.

 

I think it's my ego. I want him to come back so that I'm not fully rejected, so I can reject.

 

Of course! The ego wants to win. Totally understandable. But it will be a major backslide if you have to go through all that. A lot of pain for a little bit of gain.

 

In a way, I think it's good that he puts the brakes on before things get too far. I remember one morning with the xMM, when we woke up after a particularly intense and intimate night. He was all freaked out. He said, "My feelings for you are beginning to eclipse my feelings for my W, and that's not fair to her." I asked if he wanted to stop, and he said "no and yes." We didn't stop anything, of course, and kept rolling along. That's how you end up saying "i love you" and just digging in deeper and deeper. As much as it hurts, it's better to stop before you get that far.

 

It all hurts, no matter what. So just feel the pain, pay your dues, and then try to move on.

[Sassy Girl]

Of course they can. But it's no surprise that the attacking posts come from a people with particular experience.

 

I'm just telling those who (pretend like they) are trying to help with attacks and mockery of my situation and my feelings that it's not helpful TO ME to attack me. It has the exact opposite result of what's intended.

 

No one has attacked you that I can see. No one. They are taking the time to help you, as you requested. We don't expect you will take all the advice. What we expect is that you consider it.

 

The reaction you're having is because you just don't like what you're reading and you recognise there is probably some truth in it. It's ok that your immediate reaction is defensiveness, but hopefully you can look back later and see it wasn't an attack on you. It's actually a comment on him. Yep, my delivery was kind of brutal, but you're romanticising everything about this man from what I can see, need a dose of reality.

 

So do you want to hear the truth, or would you like us to fluff something up that isn't even remotely truthful or sincere? Coddle you a bit? Offer hugs and crossed fingers? How much would hat help you? Seriously?

[Southern Sun]

Here's how I interpret his break-up comments:

 

I feel guilty for having an affair, so I need to break it off. I do like you, but the guilt is the overriding feeling. I would like the option to resume if the feeling strikes me, but I definitely don't want the responsibility of you waiting around for me. So please, go on with your life in the meantime. I would feel really bad if you waited on me and I decided not to come back! But if it works out for us to hook up now and then while I'm 'working on my marriage' and maybe you're dating here and there, all the better. Then nobody gets hurt, right?

[RoseVille]

No one has attacked you that I can see. No one. They are taking the time to help you, as you requested. We don't expect you will take all the advice. What we expect is that you consider it.

 

The reaction you're having is because you just don't like what you're reading and you recognise there is probably some truth in it. It's ok that your immediate reaction is defensiveness, but hopefully you can look back later and see it wasn't an attack on you. It's actually a comment on him. Yep, my delivery was kind of brutal, but you're romanticising everything about this man from what I can see, need a dose of reality.

 

No, what I don't like is the way you're talking to me. PLENTY of people have given me the same substantive advice that you have, but they've delivered it with some freaking EMPATHY, which you seem to be devoid of.

[RoseVille]

Here's how I interpret his break-up comments:

 

I feel guilty for having an affair, so I need to break it off. I do like you, but the guilt is the overriding feeling. I would like the option to resume if the feeling strikes me, but I definitely don't want the responsibility of you waiting around for me. So please, go on with your life in the meantime. I would feel really bad if you waited on me and I decided not to come back! But if it works out for us to hook up now and then while I'm 'working on my marriage' and maybe you're dating here and there, all the better. Then nobody gets hurt, right?

 

That sounds... about right!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't think I know better than he does? He said he wants to work on his marriage. I want him to be happy. Those things aren't inconsistent with each other. Not sure why you think I think I know better...?

 

But you're wrong about honesty. I do feel he's been honest with me; painfully so at times.

 

 

You stated that in your letter, "I hope you don't settle for less". That is not supportive of his decision to work on his marriage.

 

Not sure where you got I said he wasn't being honest with you. My point was...if you feel he is honest....then why not do the honourable thing (for yourself)...and step back. No letters, no trying to sabotage his efforts by demeaning his marriage to be less than .

 

You do have some clarity...by your never getting involved with coworkers and realizing that his wife must have some good points to her..however it is followed by you wanting people to cross their fingers for you. For me, that seems somewhat juvenile. It suggests that your thought process is all over the map. Which isn't a bad thing....you just might want to focus on more what your logical side is saying.

[RoseVille]

Of course! The ego wants to win. Totally understandable. But it will be a major backslide if you have to go through all that. A lot of pain for a little bit of gain.

 

In a way, I think it's good that he puts the brakes on before things get too far. I remember one morning with the xMM, when we woke up after a particularly intense and intimate night. He was all freaked out. He said, "My feelings for you are beginning to eclipse my feelings for my W, and that's not fair to her." I asked if he wanted to stop, and he said "no and yes." We didn't stop anything, of course, and kept rolling along. That's how you end up saying "i love you" and just digging in deeper and deeper. As much as it hurts, it's better to stop before you get that far.

 

It all hurts, no matter what. So just feel the pain, pay your dues, and then try to move on.

 

I get it. He said that his feelings for me, being with me, were making it impossible for him to work on his marriage, to "be present" with his wife. And what he wants, is to make his marriage work. He's sincerely helpful that it'll improve/change such that he doesn't want out, that he's not wanting me, or anyone else outside the marriage. But he cannot even begin to get there when I'm in the way. And the guilt is killing him.

 

Southern Sun's interpretive dance was spot on.

[RoseVille]

You stated that in your letter, "I hope you don't settle for less". That is not supportive of his decision to work on his marriage.

 

No, it's not. He said he wants to work on his marriage. They're in, and have been in, MC. They're working on it. He wants to return to happy. He's hopeful he/they will get there. I hope he gets there, and doesn't stay in the status quo and just accept it.

 

Not sure where you got I said he wasn't being honest with you. My point was...if you feel he is honest....then why not do the honourable thing (for yourself)...and step back. No letters, no trying to sabotage his efforts by demeaning his marriage to be less than .

 

I can't step back from a line that doesn't exist. He's gone.

 

You do have some clarity...by your never getting involved with coworkers and realizing that his wife must have some good points to her..however it is followed by you wanting people to cross their fingers for you. For me, that seems somewhat juvenile. It suggests that your thought process is all over the map. Which isn't a bad thing....you just might want to focus on more what your logical side is saying.

 

Yes, I expect people to encourage me and cross their fingers for me, just as Southern Sun did:

 

Do yourself a favor and do NOT let him come back to you. Draw a line in the sand and don't participate. I don't hear in your tone that you are emotionally done with him. I think you'll take him back if he comes (unless I'm missing something). I'm just telling you that you shouldn't. And if you do, one day you'll look back and perhaps remember this advice you received on LoveShack and think damn, it's like they had a crystal ball or something. Wish I'd listened.

 

Not trying to be harsh. Just really crossing my fingers for you...

 

You guys just want to read into my posts things that don't exist. I didn't mean cross my fingers that I get to keep him, for crying out loud.

[Popsicle]

If he truly is trying to work on his marriage, then it makes sense that he wants and needs time away from you. And this is a good sign that he is not a serial cheater and cake eater. He just wants one woman to be his everything. He's trying to make that happen with the one he is already beholden to. I would give him that time and go completely no contact. Only time will tell what happens but don't wait for him. It's really a shame that you have to work with him still. That messes everything up.

[RoseVille]

If he truly is trying to work on his marriage, then it makes sense that he wants and needs time away from you. And this is a good sign that he is not a serial cheater and cake eater. He just wants one woman to be his everything. He's trying to make that happen with the one he is already beholden to. I would give him that time and go completely no contact. Only time will tell what happens but don't wait for him. It's really a shame that you have to work with him still. That messes everything up.

 

I believe he truly is trying to work on his marriage. He wants to make it work, is hopeful that he can make it work, but seems skeptical. If he was getting his needs met within his marriage, I sincerely doubt he'd have looked outside.

[Ruffian1]

He gave her the option to shop around. Last year, he broached the subject of an open marriage, or at the least, a free pass, to allow them each to explore their sexual urges. She freaked out

So he goes behind her back.

 

 

He should have "broached the subject" before he got married and had forsaking all others taken out of the vows.

 

 

He needs to tell her he does not want to be faithful and stop being a sneaky coward.

 

 

Tell me, what kind of man is going to "date" a married woman? What does that make her then if she is out screwing other men while married with kids?

 

 

If he is so miserable that he wants his wife to do that then he is miserable enough to get D.

[RoseVille]

Tell me, what kind of man is going to "date" a married woman?

 

That's not an appropriate question for this forum; this is attacking OW/OM.

[sandylee1]

Of course they can. But it's no surprise that the attacking posts come from a people with particular experience.

 

I'm just telling those who (pretend like they) are trying to help with attacks and mockery of my situation and my feelings that it's not helpful TO ME to attack me. It has the exact opposite result of what's intended.

 

Rose,

 

I don't think people are attacking you, they are just trying to be brutally honest with you. People are trying to point out that you're worth more and that this guy is not a good one.

 

They are saying the things they are to point out things you might not be able see because you're right in the situation. They just want you to realise this affair is no good for you and to make you see things for what they are and not GET SUCKED IN AGAIN.

 

Maybe years from now, you'll realise how true those words are.

It's certainly not my intention to hurt you, I just want you to value yourself more than being a sideline.

 

I'd say the same to my friend in your situation. I'd put my arms on each of her shoulders, and look her in the face and tell that considering going back into this is harmful for her mental and emotional wellbeing.

 

I'd be a lot more harsh with a friend than I am with you, but the intention would be that she realises the guy is selfish and I'd hope my friend worked up some anger, so she would not get back into the affair.

 

I say this next bit gently - try and think for a moment that participating in an affair makes you partially responsible for the break up of a marriage.

 

I'm not a BS, so I don't have anger and bitterness. I speak objectively and realistically in order to help.

[RoseVille]

Sandy, I appreciate it. There is someone in this thread - who I can no longer see - who was attacking me. She was. There was no empathy whatsoever behind her messages. Everyone else's advice has been welcomed and appreciated.

 

I mean, it's only been 3 days. I'm hurting. Have some compassion, ya know? You don't start off by beating someone with a frying pan when they're hurting.

[waterwoman]

Sandy, I appreciate it. There is someone in this thread - who I can no longer see - who was attacking me. She was. There was no empathy whatsoever behind her messages. Everyone else's advice has been welcomed and appreciated.

 

I mean, it's only been 3 days. I'm hurting. Have some compassion, ya know? You don't start off by beating someone with a frying pan when they're hurting.

 

I can sympathise with the pain you are in. But please don't assume that people who give you harsh truths and advice are doing it merely from the biased personal position they hold - that is perhaps a little ungracious of you. People give the advice they hope will help your situation and many of us have enough experience (more than they every wanted!) to be able to see more than one facet of a situation. Most of the people on here are, as far as I can remember, OW and/or ex-OW rather than BS.

[Ruffian1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruffian1

Tell me, what kind of man is going to "date" a married woman?

That's not an appropriate question for this forum; this is attacking OW/OM.

 

 

Ok, let me rephrase that.

 

 

A woman marries a guy, they both freely marry each other with vows to be faithful.

 

 

They start a family. Now the H wants to date others and stay married and wants her to do so also, why?? To give him a free pass and because he wants to see OW and have relationships with them and does not care about W - if she is with another man.

 

 

NowW does not want to be married and date other men. Not what she signed up for. She tells men she is in an OPEN marriage, so they can "date" her and they expect she will be having sex with her H also. Come on, most guys are going to think she is easy or just want side sex since she cant commit anyway. Why stay married, this open marriage just seems like a business deal, no love.

 

 

And what if the W becomes pregnant. I know there is birth control but it happens. Whose baby is it?

 

 

Why not just get a D and let her find a man who wants to be faithful to her if that is what she wanted from the start.

 

 

He can have an open marriage with a woman who is ok with it then.

[minimariah]

He's setting you up to accept to crumbs. Maybe not intentionally but that will be the outcome if you don't end this affair right now.

 

this -- it's painfully obvious. i think you're on point and nailed it in your post.

 

ALSO -- i will literally never understand folks comparing AND telling that to their current partner; convincing them that it's some kind of compliment. it's one thing to say -- you're the best i've ever had, never felt this way; totally another --- you're awesome, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE. huuuuuge red flag, that means that he is complimenting you through trashing her; it's one of those small things, signs that tell you a lot about someone's character.

 

OP - i really don't have any smart advice... do whatever you think is right for you. be prepared for the worst case scenario, guard your heart. live your life, take care of yourself, love yourself. if he decides to be with you - awesome! if not? even better! you deserve better and you will have better, there are some amazing men out there who will most definitely put you 1st. keep your head high, do things you like and surround yourself with people you like - maybe start dating? nothing serious, just checking what's out there.

 

take it easy, this pain will pass... you'll see.

Edited May 6, 2015 by minimariah

[RoseVille]

this -- it's painfully obvious. i think you're on point and nailed it in your post.

 

ALSO -- i will literally never understand folks comparing AND telling that to their current partner; convincing them that it's some kind of compliment. it's one thing to say -- you're the best i've ever had, never felt this way; totally another --- you're awesome, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE. huuuuuge red flag, that means that he is complimenting you through trashing her; it's one of those small things, signs that tell you a lot about someone's character.

 

It's so funny you say that, in caps. That's precisely what he's said when talking about things either generally, or in relation to me: "Some people." I always found that a little weird, that choice of words. Clearly, he's talking about his wife, not "some people" in the abstract. But I didn't really realize it was such a comparison until you just pointed it out.

 

OP - i really don't have any smart advice... do whatever you think is right for you. be prepared for the worst case scenario, guard your heart. live your life, take care of yourself, love yourself. if he decides to be with you - awesome! if not? even better! you deserve better and you will have better, there are some amazing men out there who will most definitely put you 1st. keep your head high, do things you like and surround yourself with people you like - maybe start dating? nothing serious, just checking what's out there.

 

take it easy, this pain will pass... you'll see.

 

I've been thinking a lot today, and I'm 99.9999% positive he wouldn't ever choose to be with me. I'm actually fearful of a DDay, because while he says she'd never leave, I'm not so sure. And then he'd come running to me, and I'd have to wonder ... is it because he wants to be here, or because I'm his back-up/second option? Blech.

[RoseVille]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruffian1

Tell me, what kind of man is going to "date" a married woman?

That's not an appropriate question for this forum; this is attacking OW/OM.

 

 

Ok, let me rephrase that.

 

 

A woman marries a guy, they both freely marry each other with vows to be faithful.

 

 

They start a family. Now the H wants to date others and stay married and wants her to do so also, why?? To give him a free pass and because he wants to see OW and have relationships with them and does not care about W - if she is with another man.

 

 

NowW does not want to be married and date other men. Not what she signed up for. She tells men she is in an OPEN marriage, so they can "date" her and they expect she will be having sex with her H also. Come on, most guys are going to think she is easy or just want side sex since she cant commit anyway. Why stay married, this open marriage just seems like a business deal, no love.

 

I'm not sure I follow you, but I don't really take any issue with two people who agree together to have an open marriage. They're not unlike swingers, and I'm sure they have reasons beyond monogamy to stay married. I know folks like that, and they're very happy with their situation.

[RoseVille]

I can sympathise with the pain you are in. But please don't assume that people who give you harsh truths and advice are doing it merely from the biased personal position they hold - that is perhaps a little ungracious of you. People give the advice they hope will help your situation and many of us have enough experience (more than they every wanted!) to be able to see more than one facet of a situation. Most of the people on here are, as far as I can remember, OW and/or ex-OW rather than BS.

 

It's not people, it's one person. It's not the message, it's the delivery. I've decided it best to simply ignore that person, as her delivery does *me* more harm than good. I simply am not in a position right now to dig through the sarcasm and jabs to find anything helpful.