Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I had to contact him today, for something impersonal/work-related. I texted him. There was an exchange similar to what I'd text a friend back and forth about something I needed to know. He was...polite. And that was that. And I've been reeling ever since. His wife is thinner than I am, arguably prettier. The look on his face when he told me how scared he was of being exposed, and how it would crush her. I'd bet my life that he was doing everything he could to not cry. He's desperate to protect her. Protect his family. And here I am, this pathetic thing pining over him and his breadcrumbs. Because of comparisons like "some people." And yet I also truly believe he's a good person; a good person who acted like a selfish jerk, but who's clearly now doing damage control and having serious regrets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I had to contact him today, for something impersonal/work-related. I texted him. There was an exchange similar to what I'd text a friend back and forth about something I needed to know. He was...polite. And that was that. And I've been reeling ever since. His wife is thinner than I am, arguably prettier. The look on his face when he told me how scared he was of being exposed, and how it would crush her. I'd bet my life that he was doing everything he could to not cry. He's desperate to protect her. Protect his family. And here I am, this pathetic thing pining over him and his breadcrumbs. Because of comparisons like "some people." And yet I also truly believe he's a good person; a good person who acted like a selfish jerk, but who's clearly now doing damage control and having serious regrets. You're hurting...I'm sorry. It is so hard, but the relationship should have never been... If you can find it in yourself, I promise it will be best to bow out. Not just respect his boundaries, but also draw your own. I promise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Let me remind you, Roseville, that he left his wife for a few days before you even started your A. I don't blame him for not wanting his A to be exposed. Of course, you don't want your marriage to end (or even continue after a Dday) with that blood on your hands. If you're marriage is going to end, it's going to end, but not because of an A. And while I do agree that he is being selfish in regards to you, he also has a lot to work through. Edited May 6, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 You're hurting...I'm sorry. It is so hard, but the relationship should have never been... If you can find it in yourself, I promise it will be best to bow out. Not just respect his boundaries, but also draw your own. I promise. I am, and you're right. I really don't know how to do this given our work situation. Even with my last few relationships, as far back as into my 20s, I didn't have occasion to even run into them on rare occasions. With this guy, we're going to be in close proximity several times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Let me remind you, Roseville, that he left his wife for a few days before you even started your A. I don't blame him for not wanting his A to be exposed. Of course, you don't want your marriage to end (or even continue after a Dday) with that blood on your hands. If you're marriage is going to end, it's going to end, but not because of an A. And while I do agree that he is being selfish in regards to you, he also has a lot to work through. Do you think him leaving her prior to the A has any significance? Sometimes I think it does, and I've brought it up before (as well as his EA from 2 years ago) and he acts like that was no big deal... that *this* that we've been doing, *that* is the big deal. I don't blame him for not wanting to be exposed either, for a number of reasons. I'm just remembering that look on his face, the choke in his voice, the sudden rush of wetness and red to his eyes, literally kinda hunched over and wringing his hands. "I'm just getting really nervous. If we were ever to be exposed, it would crush them (her and the kids)." It made me sad for him. It made me think, "What have we done?" It was like in that moment, it became real for me, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I am, and you're right. I really don't know how to do this given our work situation. Even with my last few relationships, as far back as into my 20s, I didn't have occasion to even run into them on rare occasions. With this guy, we're going to be in close proximity several times a week. Yep. I had to quit. I fought it for months, didn't want to quit. Was never able to get out of the A until I left. Months of misery. Months I wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Do you think him leaving her prior to the A has any significance? Yes, I do. They have problems. (sorry I'm not the most eloquent person) Sometimes I think it does, and I've brought it up before (as well as his EA from 2 years ago) and he acts like that was no big deal... that *this* that we've been doing, *that* is the big deal.He probably just doesn't want to talk about the past because that's over. He is in the present. I don't blame him for not wanting to be exposed either, for a number of reasons. I'm just remembering that look on his face, the choke in his voice, the sudden rush of wetness and red to his eyes, literally kinda hunched over and wringing his hands. "I'm just getting really nervous. If we were ever to be exposed, it would crush them (her and the kids)." It made me sad for him. It made me think, "What have we done?" It was like in that moment, it became real for me, too.That guilt and sadness is real and the kind of thing that makes some MP's stay. I personally think it's a miserable reason to stay and you can kiss joy in life goodbye, but nevertheless, it compels some to stay. Just the emotion alone does it. People like to be inspired. Edited May 6, 2015 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Yes, I do. They have problems. (sorry I'm not the most eloquent person) Right. If he was happily married and a cake eater, this would be easier for me. But knowing he's going back to something that is fraught with issues feels like a smack in the face. That guilt and sadness is real and the kind of thing that makes some MP's stay. I personally think it's a miserable reason to stay and you can kiss joy in life goodbye, but nevertheless, it compels some to stay. Just the emotion alone does it. People like to be inspired. I agree with you, but it's his reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 RoseVille, Sorry you are in this situation. I am an MOW so I know it can suck at times. I do think it will be difficult to be working with him and get over him. I work with my MOM and I don't know how I'd go to work and see him every day if we broke off our A. I changed my position so even though we work for the same company we are now in totally different buildings and do not really have any reason to interact for work purposes. I don't know if you have an option to change jobs or not, but it might be easier on you. He sounds like he truly wants to give his marriage a chance and he would be mortified if he caused them pain because of his A. I would give him all the space he is asking for. He needs to figure out his marriage without the added difficulty of an A. Sorry this is hurting you so much. Hopefully time (and space) will heal the wounds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 but I don't really take any issue with two people who agree together to have an open marriage I agree. For TWO people who BOTH agree to have an open marriage. She did not. Sounds to me she just wants to have a monogamous relationship and he does not. He should just be honest with her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
devastated777 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 wow. This is going to be tough for you. I can relate.. reading your story was similar to mine. Reading yours makes me want to go forward and end mine even more so now. Like you said, they are our reality and we are their escape. I feel duped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He says that she'd never leave him, even if she found out. That's she's essentially said as much. She's literally begged in the past for him to not leave, even while accusing him of cheating (when he wasn't). He said he just doesn't want to hurt her, that being exposed would crush her. He's very protective of her feelings. You're totally right about being able to go out without being in secret. We've done that in the past on overnight work trips, his BFF was even with us (we work with him too). That was awesome, to be able to be out in public and affectionate in front of people we know. You have no idea if she "begged" him for anything! He is protective of her cause he loves her, even though he cheats on her. Marriages have issues...no relationship is perfect. He has told you he wants to work on his. Respect his choice. As much as you believe the sex with you is better, wilder, whatever, he still chooses to go home to her and stay married. That's not an appropriate question for this forum; this is attacking OW/OM. If the mods felt it was inappropriate, they would move it. FYI...you seem to like to label posters as BS's or OW. That's very unfair of you and in some cases, wrong. Does it matter wheither a poster is a BS, OW, or even just someone not affected at all by infidelity? Doesn't make this opinion any less valuable? You want empathy from posters, yet where is your empathy to this man's wife? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 If the mods felt it was inappropriate, they would move it. FYI...you seem to like to label posters as BS's or OW. That's very unfair of you and in some cases, wrong. Does it matter wheither a poster is a BS, OW, or even just someone not affected at all by infidelity? Doesn't make this opinion any less valuable? You want empathy from posters, yet where is your empathy to this man's wife? From what I can tell, a few posts were in fact removed. I don't accuse someone of being a BS before actually looking up their backstory. A person's biases affects their opinions and advice and thus its value, to me. So pointing them out and recognizing them is perfectly fair. I came to this forum to talk to people in my shoes, who've walked this path as someone involved in an A - either as the OP is the MP. Those who are clearly still hurting as BS aren't giving me advice that's based on my best interests, but theirs and their hurt. There are BS who have moved past their hurt, and that fact is obvious in how their posts come across, and I appreciate reading their insight when it's appropriate to the question posed. I have tons of empathy for his wife. I've been in her shoes, twice. However, when here working through my feelings, I'm focused on myself, naturally. It's the easiest way to get out of something like this, to focus on the damage it causes oneself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 wow. This is going to be tough for you. I can relate.. reading your story was similar to mine. Reading yours makes me want to go forward and end mine even more so now. Like you said, they are our reality and we are their escape. I feel duped. I wish I felt duped. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. He didn't hurt me. I hurt myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Looks like we have editorial commentary not relevant to the topic in need of moderation's assistance so we thank you in advance for your consideration of this brief hiatus <which became a permanent one upon review> Edited May 25, 2015 by William Link to post Share on other sites
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