I don't really know at this point....

[ndr7]

I feel as though she's just within reach, yet so far away. It's the absolute most abysmal feeling. I love her. I've always loved her. And now I'm stuck in this horrible position; lost and confused, with my options dwindling. If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful (hopefully someone reads this ridiculously long post). I've searched high and low for answers.

 

I'm struggling to move on past her right now. I've tried no-contact, I've sat through hours worth of therapy sessions, I've had intense conversations with her on multiple occasions in a search for closure, I've scribbled all of my inner thoughts and feelings onto hundreds of pages worth of paper, I've works to living again (reconnecting with friends, making new ones, getting out and about, taking care of myself), and I've read dozens of articles. I can't get over her. It's weird, because I've felt connected to her from day one. I was never one to believe in "love at first sight", but I knew that she was something beyond special from that very first time we shared together. We talked for a few months, but I had embarked on a new chapter of my life (college and a promising opportunities), and was nervous about bringing her into my life. Well, I quickly realized how foolish of a mistake it was to let her go that first time. I spent seven months of my life, with my sights set on this girl who I knew was the one I wanted to be with. Every time I thought that my opportunity had reared its head, I'd find out that she was already looking into a new guy. I passed up many opportunities to date...promising opportunities...because I was fixated. Well, my persistence paid off and I finally was able to swoop in and sweep her off her feet. All of the pieces to this puzzle that I had been working on for months fell into place, and I had the love of my life by my side.

 

She became my co-pilot, my confidante, and my partner. I won't hesitate to say that she's the whole package. Her inner beauty matches her outer beauty. She's a rarity. We went about building memories and sharing experiences just as any other couple would, but I haven't met a single other couple our age that was able to go as far as we were. We simply complimented each other and worked fantastically well together, and because of that we were able to accomplish dreams that I thought were years away. We lived a life that seemed fit for some novel for a while there.

 

Although things looked spectacular on the outside, our "behind the scenes" situation became increasingly more rocky. I was suffering from some very serious depression and, rather than working out my issues, I continued to sweep them under the rug and to keep adding to the golden facade that looked and felt so good. We were young and weighed down by responsibilities that few others our age were facing. Granted, we brought those responsibilities upon ourselves because we got so much enjoyment out of them....but the stress just boiled over at times. We still managed to hang on and ride the waves. We were living together at this point (again, another major responsibility for two college students).

 

My life came crashing down and all of those bottled up feelings eventually broke lose. Week after week was spent in a horrible funk as we both battled each other and the terrible circumstances that had befallen us. She felt unloved and unappreciated and lonely for those regrettable months leading up to our breakup, and I simply was incapable of seeing things straight because I'd fallen into the abyss. All it took was one fight over a stupid situation, and she had reached her breaking point. I was in shock. I hadn't seen it coming because I was so screwed up, but things quickly added up in the weeks following our break up. It was as though someone shot off a massive fireworks display in a place that was void of any light. I scrambled to save what we once had, but she rejected it over and over again, far too scarred and possibly too scared to try again. She told me that she'd been disconnecting from me for months before the relationship finally ended, and I understand why. We were living through hell, and she was trying to keep us from hitting an iceberg. She just couldn't steer us out of the way without my participation. I went on to hit rock bottom, but quickly realized that I needed to bounce back. So, I began to work on myself and to improve the flaws that had destroyed my life. I pursued the help that I needed and re-evaluated the past five years of my life, ensuring that I didn't miss even the smallest of details. I've spent months figuring out where things went wrong and ensuring that I never slip into such a dark place ever again. All of the things that the love of my life had been saying to me for months finally made sense, and I took all of her advice and all of her wishes and again, she was fuel for me to keep on going.

 

It's bizarre how our lives have crossed paths following our break up. We've managed to be there for one another through unforeseen and taxing tragedies. We've worked as a team to repair some of the things that had caused our relationship a great deal of damage. I've watched as she's struggled for months. I know she's struggling and I know she's harboring a lot of pain. I can't say that she isn't "happy", but I don't think she's overwhelmingly happy by any means. She knows that I know her better than anyone else and she's acknowledge that fact to me. She's gone as far as to tell me that I see right through her, but I quickly corrected her and let her know that I see "into her". She still cares about me very much. She told me that she's forgiven me for the way I made her feel, and I've said so much to let her know how much I never intended to harm her or our relationship. I feel like she knows just how genuine I am, but something is keeping her from giving our relationship a second chance. I don't know if she's scared or if she just can't accept the potential that we have, or what. She used to tell me that we would never get back together again, and so I tried to slow down and see where things ended up. Unfortunately, I'm well aware of certain choices she has made post-break up that have really caused me a lot of pain. We're so very connected and there's no way for me to ever just up and leave without her life crossing my life in many different ways, so it was inevitable that I was going to find things out.

 

Recently, she's told me that the emotional spark that once was is simply not there for her anymore. She's expressed her desire to still be "friends". I've poured my heart out to her in an effort to ensure that she knows exactly where my head and heart are. I let her know how hard it was for me to give up on her before we even started dating, and how my persistence paid off because she was worth the struggle. She was worth the wait. I reiterated the fact that I want nothing more than for her to walk down an aisle, as a vision in white, towards me one day. I want nothing more than to raise a family with her and build that life that we've always dreamt of, and that we worked so hard to lay a foundation for. I want her to hold my hand as I depart this life. I made that all very clear. But that spark just isn't there for her. She cares and she misses the good times. She cries every single time that we're together, because we always have conversations about very deep issues. I can tell the tears are genuine and I feel as though she's got a battle raging within her, but I'm unsure of where the battle stems from. I want nothing more than to be able to help her through her struggles, especially because I see that she's not tending to them the way she needs to (I've been there, and done that). I don't want her to turn elsewhere. And so, I keep on trying because I see potential and I see that she's worth it. I don't believe that true love just dissipates. I believe that it can be buried and obscured by other feelings, but it's always there. Does anyone have any advice as to how to uncover that love again, and how to get the sparks flying? I can live without her because I don't have any other choice, but I don't want to. I know that for a fact, and I've know that for almost four years now. The only way I can attain closure in this situation is by having the opportunity to try again, because we simply never had chance. I could try to cut her out of my life...delete Facebook, get rid of thousands of pictures, reject the urge to contact her for months on end, ask our mutual friends and my sisters and mother who all love her dearly to never speak of me to her again...but I don't think it'll be a living hell once again. And I'll likely lose her to someone else, when all I want is to be let in again....to be able to show her that I could never hurt her again. I'm not afraid of being hurt by trying and not succeeding a second time around, because at least I won't have outright failed. I've learned from my past and it's made me into a far better individual...a far more loving and understanding and accepting individual. I can't accept this just yet though. Am I selfish for wanting this? I am selfish for not wanting to let go of something great? I can't tell her how to feel, but I'm just so concerned that one day the roles will reverse again and that it'll be too late, even though I plan to keep myself open because when you know, you know. That's what concerns me. I feel as though I know, and that she's still searching for answers because she's just faced so much. I can't help but look at my grandpa....nearly 80 years old, and still dragging around regret from having let my grandmother slip through his finger so easily over half a century ago. Regret is far more of a burden than trying. I'm trying to remain close, but I can't be friends. And so I'm searching for that spark. She's beyond worth the effort. The reward outweighs all of the risks. Through our hardships and struggles, I've been presented with a recipe for success. I'm just missing a few of the ingredients.

 

People walk into and out of our lives for a reason. I do believe that that is fate's doing. Those who walk in and make a lasting impression on us, one that we may never gain from another person ever in our lives, are the ones we should never allow to walk out.

[Ruby65]

It's obvious you had a strong connection and still love her very much... but from what she's said, she's just not feeling it for you anymore.

 

This is heartbreaking.... and puzzling... and incredibly painful. And sadly, it's not all that uncommon, especially at this point in your life, to be with people who's feelings can change suddenly. But the fact remains your best course of action is to try and work toward acceptance, to work on healing so you can eventually move on.

 

Staying in contact is going to drag this out much longer, it's going to be a long slow process and you'll be putting yourself through months and months of additional pain.

 

If she wants "friendship", and you take that bait, you're in for a long hard journey, my friend.

 

If you choose not to block her on social media, if you continue to stay in touch, you delay your own healing while also serving as an emotional safety net for her while she adjusts to being single. Holding her hand through the breakup, being there in spirit, only makes it easier for her to move on... and much harder for you. It's a lose/lose.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through and I can completely identify with the feeling that you are 'tied' to this woman in some way. Those ties can be incredibly powerful and I don't think there is any magic way to undo them. No contact helps and that is why other posters propose it. It really is better than staying in contact. If she says she's not feeling that spark any more, you have to believe her rather than thinking you can rekindle it. Feelings do change - hers have but yours haven't. This happens so often and it's incredibly painful.

 

If you go no contact and work through the recovery guide, then there is hope that YOUR feelings will change as you see things more from a distance. You need to start believing there is someone out there who can inspire the same devotion that you ex did. It is possible! It may not happen immediately, but part of doing the no contact thing is to allow yourself to become disentangled from your ex so that you can be open to a different kind of future. It's best to think about the ways in which your ex made you feel bad not good because otherwise you are idealising her and then, of course no-one can match that.

 

At least you have recognised that this is a powerful tie and that it will be hard to move on until you have undone it. Maybe trying a different kind of therapy will help. I do know a guy who lost his parents early in life and when his girlfriend left him he was incredibly distraught and, as far as I know, still hasn't moved one. I feel pretty sure his inability to bounce back is something to do with his feeling of having been abandoned earlier. His reaction is strikingly different to others I've known. I hope you find a good way forward from this because you have real potential to love someone else, having learned so much from your previous relationship. xx

[lolablue17]

A very long post... A short advice.

 

send her a short message "I gave up on you". and dissapear. Don't meet her, don't answer if she texts you, stay 100% NC. You're in a low position - and she is the reason. She's a deadly toxic wrapped with a cover of a great girl. Drop it!

[SLee]

I'm sorry you're hurting like this. I feel your pain, I really do. I identified with a lot of what you wrote. VERY similar to a lot of things I went through with my ex.

 

But everyone else's advice so far is sound. Don't contact her anymore. Keep doing all those things you said you were doing (going out, taking care of yourself, being with friends, etc.) Keep posting online.

 

What you said about the deleting her from your life, I get how you feel. But it's necessary. Believe me, it hurts more than anything and is extremely difficult. Making someone who meant so much to you suddenly mean nothing is torture. But you need to erase her from your life and disappear from hers.

 

From what I've read and seen in my own life about reconciliation is that it's rare, and when it does happen, it's after a substantial amount of time and the key is that BOTH parties have completely moved on and all the break up and previous relationship pain is dead and buried.

 

My ex constantly pushes the friends thing, and I know he cares about me as a human being, but I can't be friends with him. He's not my friend, he's not my boyfriend, he's my ex. The only time I've seen it work is that if the relationship wasn't long, the break up was mutual, and/or after time where both parties have moved on. Being friends with your ex is just torture when you're going through all this hurt.

 

I don't think you're selfish. Everyone has their own timelines on how they handle the pain. What you're feeling is normal and natural and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

 

No spark is going to return while you're still hurting this much. It's not. I had to learn that the hard way. So keep your mind focussed on your future as best you can. Allow yourself to grieve when you need to, but keep your focus forward. That's in your power now, and it's all you can do.

[mikeveli4g]

My friend after reading your passage I felt like I was back in my recent break up all over again as it is very similar to yours. Love at first sight, we clicked, she became my fiancé, trials and tribulations, argument after argument and out of nowhere she's gone.

 

 

It's the most devastating feeling and I've done all the above to better myself as a man only to find out she's with someone new in less than 3 months after our break up and she is HAPPY.

 

 

And to top it off..."I still want to be friends with you" speech and just like you, I find myself in a delusion everyday holding on to what is likely false hope.

 

 

But there is one good thing about it... I've made it to month no. 8, haven't spoken to her since Feb. and still will continue to stay ghost like everyone else on here has advised, no matter how many times I have to cry it out, write it down or go out on a wack date just to get a piece of mind.

 

 

It doesn't matter how many sessions of counseling you go to or how many miles you run, TIME is the only thing that takes care of situations like this. It really...REALLY sucks to the 3rd degree but you will get through.

 

 

Lucky for you, she does seem to carry a small torch but to Slee's point you have to take steps on moving forward. Do not stay trapped in her spell because it will break you and women are quite smart and the next cutie you find can read into that in a split second.

 

 

Work on getting your confidence back and in time you will shine. Keep in mind...silence is GOLDEN.

 

 

Best wishes to you my dude and hold your head high and aim for the sky.