ReyCr Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 This is a lengthy one, and if you are suffering from anything similar to my situation I put some helpful notes at the bottom of this post So my girlfriend and I have been going out for a little over a year now. Our relationship has had its great moments, honestly just wonderful moments with this beauty. The problem is I am tormented by her sexual past, and I do not know why. I knew about her sexual past and it didn't faze me I didn't care about it we were just really good friends then, and then we started dating, I remained comfortable about her past until I started to fall madly in love with her and her with me. I do not remember at what exact point after falling in love with her that I began feeling extreme torment from her sexual past I only remember that it came suddenly and not slowly. I have stayed up countless nights with no sleep (it's 2:37am on a school night at the moment) obsessing over her past . I lie in bed and begin to sob and clench the bed sheets, I start sweating and shaking and can not stop crying. I am pretty sure these are panic attacks and I never had them until this jealousy. Whenever I do get some sleep I have literal nightmares of her past and I wake up in cold sweats. This jealousy (if you can even call it that) has been ripping me apart emotionally and mentally. My worst episode came about two weeks ago where I broke my middle knuckle by punching my bed's headboard, I didn't know what to do my mind was racing my heart was pounding I wanted to not think about it anymore so I used pain as a temporary relief,either subconsciously or consciously ( I used to self-harm when I was younger, stupidest thing I have ever done in my life, I have not purposely self harmed in years). My days are difficult as well but not as much as my nights, I find myself on the verge of tears during lectures and studies. I have to excuse myself to use the bathroom at times so no one can see me cry. My grades have been declining and I am pretty sure my lack of energy and mental exhaustion correlates to my daunting jealousy. My girlfriend is such a beautiful angel and I love her so so much, we plan to have a long future together with kids and raise a family and to have as many wonderful experiences that we can. I want to make her happy but it is so hard to make someone happy when you yourself are not, generally. At the beggining of my episodes I could not control myself, I began spitting verbial garbage words at her, at times making her feel like a slut and telling her she is, I send her long filled disgusted messages one minute and the next telling her how sorry I am and that I didn't mean it. We had such an amazing relationship , we'd talk for hours laughing and smiling, now we can't go a day without the effects of my jealousy. I can't stop thinking of her past and I feel so disgusted by it, I'm thinking of it right now and I can't stop it's eating me up inside and I feel myself edging closer and closer to losing my mind, the images are just so vivid. I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I have been seeing. I tell them of these events but their is only so much they can do. I have begun taking medication to lessen my thoughts but they do not seem to be working, I'll continue taking them accordingly, until my psychiatrist tells me otherwise. I really really want to get better so I can experience the world with my world, I hate my mind I just want to shut it off sometimes but honestly all I want is to not think bad thoughts anymore. I don't know what to expect from this thread and the replies that it might get , but I am trying every avenue to beat this thing. There are things that I have left out that I do not believe to be necessary such as the details of her sexual history because they are NOT necessary , and it would not be beneficial to me if I write about it. Side note(s): There can be a few medical conditions associated with severe jealousy; PANS , PANDAS ( both syndromes) I recommend reading up on this, it is highly interesting and from what I have seen not many people going through similar experiences know much about it if at all . . . Zachary Stockhill's "overcoming retroactive jealousy" has helped plenty of people, unfortunately, I am not one of the many. But if you do suffer from this I recommend to search him up it just might resolve your dilemma. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Honestly, let the girl go or get into counseling to figure out why you have such a problem with her past (although I do understand being nervous that she'll act like that in your relationship too in case with "sexual past" you mean serial cheating); you talking her into guilt by calling her names and slutshaming her isn't healthy for her and your "jealousy attacks" aren't better. I really hope you aren't serious about marrying her and having children, if your situation is that bad now it won't improve with rings and kids. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 This is a lengthy one, and if you are suffering from anything similar to my situation I put some helpful notes at the bottom of this post <SNIP> Side note(s): There can be a few medical conditions associated with severe jealousy; PANS , PANDAS ( both syndromes) I recommend reading up on this, it is highly interesting and from what I have seen not many people going through similar experiences know much about it if at all. This is a symptom of something else. Every dis-ease manifests physically by showing something of itself, but often, the dis-ease itself is lying deeper within the system. This is no different, I think.... This is a link to PANDAS. The key word here, is "Paediatric" (British spelling). Are you suggesting you began suffering from this condition as a child, and it has laid dormant but has now been triggered? Or maybe you're experiencing an adult version? Because this all began happening after you began dating. Can you pinpoint the exact - but EXACT - moment the discomfort began to emerge, or creep in? What was going on immediately prior to that? How did this actually manifest itself the first time? No amount of therapy will help you, unless you find the underlying cause. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Honestly, let the girl go or get into counseling to figure out why you have such a problem with her past (although I do understand being nervous that she'll act like that in your relationship too in case with "sexual past" you mean serial cheating); you talking her into guilt by calling her names and slutshaming her isn't healthy for her and your "jealousy attacks" aren't better. I really hope you aren't serious about marrying her and having children, if your situation is that bad now it won't improve with rings and kids. OP, please listen to this. You are doing irreparable damage to your girlfriend by verbally abusing her and your relationship is toxic. Unless and until you can get your jealousy and anxiety under control, you aren't ready for a relationship. There is a very strong possibility that your girlfriend will walk away from you otherwise. I've been in her position and the emotional scars from that are deep. I commend you for recognizing this is your problem, not your girlfriend's. You are at least cognizant that this isn't her fault. I fear this problem would arise no matter whom you date. You need to get yourself healthy first before you can even consider moving forward with a woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Definitely break up with her. No one deserve to suffer for their past (especially before you met her) and shouldn't be shamed. You obviously need therapy to help you resolve your jealousy issues. I don't think you should involve yourself in a relationship until you receive help. You will just fill tormented every time they speak to the opposite sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Go find the best psychotherapist in your area. Your story disturbs me. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 This isn't about your GF's past, this is a medical issue. You are having panic attacks. You are heading for a nervous breakdown and should seek medical help asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 No relationship is worth this. For your own sanity just end it. Your actions and reaction seem really extreme. I don't know how bad her past is to make you get into this state. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 The problem isn't her past. The problem is your present. You should stay in therapy long-term, and keep seeing your psychiatrist. Everyone has a past, but we all are here in the now. Try to get yourself rooted into the now. Do physical work. Go for walks. Look around you. Notice where you are and when you are. Practice Mindfulness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 First and foremost, did you speak to her about this? Did you tell her what you told us here, and what was her reaction? A woman that loves you will help you fight whatever mental disorder it is that you have. Take her to your psychologist and have someone explain to her your feelings in an objective way. You just need to stop being a jerk to her and let her in to help you. If she does not want to invest into repairing things, then it is not the one for you, no matter how much you think she is. Secondly, what exactly from her sexual past bothers you? We can help give you a more objective view on the things if you describe the problem. Did she have a lot of partners, did she cheat on you, did she cheat on her ex...? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 This is a lengthy one, and if you are suffering from anything similar to my situation I put some helpful notes at the bottom of this post So my girlfriend and I have been going out for a little over a year now. Our relationship has had its great moments, honestly just wonderful moments with this beauty. The problem is I am tormented by her sexual past, and I do not know why. I knew about her sexual past and it didn't faze me I didn't care about it we were just really good friends then, and then we started dating, I remained comfortable about her past until I started to fall madly in love with her and her with me. I do not remember at what exact point after falling in love with her that I began feeling extreme torment from her sexual past I only remember that it came suddenly and not slowly. I have stayed up countless nights with no sleep (it's 2:37am on a school night at the moment) obsessing over her past . I lie in bed and begin to sob and clench the bed sheets, I start sweating and shaking and can not stop crying. I am pretty sure these are panic attacks and I never had them until this jealousy. Whenever I do get some sleep I have literal nightmares of her past and I wake up in cold sweats. This jealousy (if you can even call it that) has been ripping me apart emotionally and mentally. My worst episode came about two weeks ago where I broke my middle knuckle by punching my bed's headboard, I didn't know what to do my mind was racing my heart was pounding I wanted to not think about it anymore so I used pain as a temporary relief,either subconsciously or consciously ( I used to self-harm when I was younger, stupidest thing I have ever done in my life, I have not purposely self harmed in years). My days are difficult as well but not as much as my nights, I find myself on the verge of tears during lectures and studies. I have to excuse myself to use the bathroom at times so no one can see me cry. My grades have been declining and I am pretty sure my lack of energy and mental exhaustion correlates to my daunting jealousy. My girlfriend is such a beautiful angel and I love her so so much, we plan to have a long future together with kids and raise a family and to have as many wonderful experiences that we can. I want to make her happy but it is so hard to make someone happy when you yourself are not, generally. At the beggining of my episodes I could not control myself, I began spitting verbial garbage words at her, at times making her feel like a slut and telling her she is, I send her long filled disgusted messages one minute and the next telling her how sorry I am and that I didn't mean it. We had such an amazing relationship , we'd talk for hours laughing and smiling, now we can't go a day without the effects of my jealousy. I can't stop thinking of her past and I feel so disgusted by it, I'm thinking of it right now and I can't stop it's eating me up inside and I feel myself edging closer and closer to losing my mind, the images are just so vivid. I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I have been seeing. I tell them of these events but their is only so much they can do. I have begun taking medication to lessen my thoughts but they do not seem to be working, I'll continue taking them accordingly, until my psychiatrist tells me otherwise. I really really want to get better so I can experience the world with my world, I hate my mind I just want to shut it off sometimes but honestly all I want is to not think bad thoughts anymore. I don't know what to expect from this thread and the replies that it might get , but I am trying every avenue to beat this thing. There are things that I have left out that I do not believe to be necessary such as the details of her sexual history because they are NOT necessary , and it would not be beneficial to me if I write about it. Side note(s): There can be a few medical conditions associated with severe jealousy; PANS , PANDAS ( both syndromes) I recommend reading up on this, it is highly interesting and from what I have seen not many people going through similar experiences know much about it if at all . . . Zachary Stockhill's "overcoming retroactive jealousy" has helped plenty of people, unfortunately, I am not one of the many. But if you do suffer from this I recommend to search him up it just might resolve your dilemma. In order to give you better advice, can you actually spell out her sexual past that is so disturbing to you? Unless she was hosting donkey shows in Tijuana or was a hooker before she met you we really are kind of clutching at straws here. How old are the both of you, and is this your first long term relationship or what? Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Her sexual past is totally irrelevant. he has already said so. I knew about her sexual past and it didn't faze me I didn't care about it we were just really good friends then, and then we started dating, I remained comfortable about her past until I started to fall madly in love with her and her with me. .... he also adds... There are things that I have left out that I do not believe to be necessary such as the details of her sexual history because they are NOT necessary , and it would not be beneficial to me if I write about it. The torment is self-inflicted. He knew about her past and it was fine. But he now keeps conjuring up imagined scenarios of her experiences and it's like stabbing his brain with a fork. Her past really isn't the problem. Had it been from the word 'go', he may have gone through these episodes much earlier in the relationship, much sooner than he did. He shamed her and insulted her, and knew he was unjustified in doing so. No. THis is all something he's exaggerated and blown out of all proportion. This issue is his, not hers. Her sexual past is her right. He has none, to condemn her for it, and be so emotionally charged over it now, when before it was ok with him. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) You have some psychological problem that needs to be addressed ,this situation with your girlfriend only triggered the symptoms of your condition . Edited May 5, 2015 by JohnsonBaby Link to post Share on other sites
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