Married too young

[Deleon]

My husband and I have been married since we were teenagers. I tell people that we were high school sweethearts, but in reality, I had a huge crush on him for years and he paid me no attention whatsoever. Looking back, I think we're only together now because I kept throwing myself at him for years. We were very religious at the time and believed that sex outside of marriage was a terrible sin, so it makes some level of sense that he married me at 19 out of simple teenage libido, and not out of any real desire for me as a person to be in his life.

 

That pattern has continued throughout our 8 years of marriage. I have always been several steps ahead, dreaming about the future, wanting kids, wanting to buy a house, get a dog, go on vacations together, see the world. He has alternated between burying himself in work, or developing these awkward, not-exactly-cheating relationships with women at work, or online. I've caught him in these situations 15 times now, where he is clearly emotionally investing in another woman and spending his leisure time with her, even texting other women from our bed as I sat wide awake next to him. I won't say it doesn't hurt anymore, but more that it's become a way of life. I feel like a single mom. Most people who meet me assume that I am a single mom, and are surprised to find out that there is supposedly a man in my life. The point that hurts the most was when my two year-old started calling random men "daddy." I'm really not sure if he could have pick his dad out of a lineup. He was just never around us.

 

Last year, I told him I wanted a divorce and we sat down and figured out that there was no possible way to divide our finances between two households without causing real suffering for our kids. We have the space, so I suggested that we try considering ourselves separated and sleeping in separate rooms until we could afford to formally separate, on the condition that we keep our private lives separate and discreet. I was just sick of him wandering into my bedroom at odd hours, and sick of the excuses and lies.

 

Well, he jumped on that plan and was almost never home on weekends after that. Following his activities via social media, I could see him partying at clubs like a dumb college kid, and getting his picture taken doing shots with girls several years younger than him. He stopped wearing his wedding ring, of course. Meanwhile, I was home babysitting our kids and enabling all this, and unable to move on with my own life because he was never around to relieve me from parenting duty.

 

I made a change recently by buying a plane ticket to a Latin American country. I informed him that I would be out of town and left him to make childcare arrangements, and I had a great time. It was a short trip, but it was my first time outside the country and I got to see some very cool historical and geological features of the region, enjoy the cuisine and beaches...and I did meet someone special while I was there. Nothing too serious happened, but it was fun and a very welcome change of pace after the last eight years of Chinese water torture at home.

 

When I came back happy, though, my spouse became suspicious and demanded to know details about my trip. I answered honestly, and he flipped out. He said some very hurtful things to and about me, which devolved into the first and only time a fight between us has ever become physical. Although neither of us were injured, it really crossed a line in a very scary way. I certainly own my share of responsibility for that. After that, he basically demanded a divorce on the spot. Adorably, he thinks he needs my consent to secure a divorce. That's how much thought he's put into this relationship. He's never even googled any of this stuff...it's all been on me to figure everything out.

 

I would very happily file for the divorce myself, but I am worried about my kids. At this point, I don't know what is best for them anymore. I don't want them to experience poverty. I also don't want them to think that it is remotely okay to use someone who loves you for sex and then keep them on the line in case no one more appetizing is around the next time the fancy strikes. If we stick to our plan, I will be able to move out in fine shape in 10 more months. It seems stupid to throw away our financial security rather than wait it out, but the waiting is making me insane. I wish I believed in some of higher power so I could imagine the universe was sending me a sign. I almost want to just flip a coin. So...what do you think, Internet?

[LifesontheUp]

Divorce. There is nothing in what you posted that makes me think your marriage can be saved.

 

Your kids will be better off from the disruption they have currently in their lifes. You can come up with a set plan when he can see his kids and stick to it.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

This was not a happy loving marriage that has suddenly turned on its head and you are now lost, lonely and depressed.

You have essentially lived as a single mom for years, so what has really changed?

If you are going to be financially OK if you stick around for 10 months then as you are a parent I think you need to stick around for 10 months.

Finances matter.

If you are going "insane", then find people to confide in, friends and family, but if that is impossible, then find a therapist.

Someone who you can vent to and give you support to get you through.

[No Limit]

I can't believe you offered to play mother and housekeeper so he can go out and enjoy "single life". Seriously, divorce. If you want to wait it out, at least keep your husband in line and confront him with some facts - that HE'S been cheating for years, while you only did it when you were practically "seperated by arrangement".

[Mr. Lucky]

We have the space, so I suggested that we try considering ourselves separated and sleeping in separate rooms until we could afford to formally separate, on the condition that we keep our private lives separate and discreet.

 

Why not use a mediator or lawyer to structure your "in the same house" separation including custody, finances, etc.? You do what you want on your days, him on his. 10 months from now you go to Step 2, separate residences.

 

Might put an end to some of the craziness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

The I'm house separation needed ground rules, where you both spent time with the kids. It's okay for him to party, but he can't take it when you have a bit of fun. That is such a double standard and blatant hypocrisy. Don't take any of his crap and stand up for yourself.

 

Don't let the kids see and hear your arguing.