Radil Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Ok I screwed up royally and cheated on my soulmate. We were best friends before the relationship and our relationship has always been the best. She has children and I have none and I let her children destroy what I thought of our relationship. Well before I could tell her she found out and she loves me so much she is working through this with me. We are going to counseling which helps alot. My problem is with each day she keeps getting angry about the affair and seems to keep digging for more info to make her more upset. She has now asked me to move out but we are still a couple. Just taking some steps back. I have done so because I will do anything to save this relationship. My problem is with her badgering me I feel like crawling under a rock and going away. I am at the point I cannot take it anymore but I cannot leave without trying. SHould I just cut back on my contact with her and hope she calms down some ? Link to post Share on other sites
sjev Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Yes she is very angry, confused, questioning her own worth and your loyalty as well. Answer her questions, best now not to lie about anything. If you love her and want the relationship to continue, tell her that. If she loves you, she will forgive you eventually, but she will never forget. I've been through all of this. And it still hurts even though it happened years ago. But that is me. You need to look hard at the reason or reasons why you strayed. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and both of you have to be willing to work this through. If you can't agree to that, then give her time and try talking to her again. Good luck..... Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Something like that takes months to forgive if not longer. Be patient and try to understand an "I'm sorry" doesn't make everything turn back time to the way it was and it can't be forgotten. She is having a lot of uncertainty, mistrust and other issues that only time and a lot of effort in counseling can take care of. How long since this happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 it has only been 3 weeks but I keep thinking her anger is going to overtake her. I know it is more than anger. It is hurt etc. i did all this and wish I could take the pain away from her. I am so scared on what to do or say. Now I am out and I feel I should leave her alone and let her contact me. Is that a mistake ? WIll I lose her that way ? It is killing me to not call her. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 I would call her. She is attending counseling so she obviously wants you in her life, even if she is pushing you away a little due to her mistrust and fear you have created for her. She needs to believe you care and not bothering to call does not say to a women that you care. Don't push yourself on her. Just say you want her to know that you are thinking about her and hope she's doing alright. Even if the conversation is awkward it will be nice for her to know that you really do care and want to resolve things over time. 3 weeks was recently. Her first stage of grieving will be anger, then probably sadness and after this hopefully at some point forgiveness. And the anger and sadness may even go back and forth before she can forgive. I think the more you understand her feelings and accept it will take time, the easier it will be for both of you. Good luck and hang in there yourself. It sounds like you know it was a mistake but you are on the right path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 thank you for all the help. I even called our counseler today because I am having a rough time with all this. Having to move out of our home we built together has taken a toll on me. It makes you realize how much bigger your mistakes are. I will be posting more because I will need the help for sure. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Firesqueak Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 I would like to warn you, Radil, that sometimes this stage can last for a VERY long time. Take it from someone who knows... If you really love her, you have to prove yourself to her. Sometimes, it makes you want to pull your hair out. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Take small steps, one day at a time and you'll get there! Feel free to keep posting! Most of the people here are pretty great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 The hardest thing I am dealing with is she still wants to stay together but she doesn't want me living with her right now. So I am out on my own and the week she has her children I won't see her at all. So I can see I am in for the long haul. I really feel like I am in prison currently. I just hope she misses me and wants me back soon. I know I have to prove myself because this is all my fault. Sometimes life really sucks..but I deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 now is the time to prove to her that you are a trust worthy man. do not lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Firesqueak Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Your avatar SO freaks me out Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by Firesqueak Your avatar SO freaks me out you know you want me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 yes..now I am byself this week so I am really not sure what to do with myself. I want to go out just to be around people so I don't feel so alone. I have no interest in other women. Link to post Share on other sites
beesknees Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 i would respect her need for space, but don't cut her off completely. she needs to know that you care too, and you don't want to send the wrong signals. and yes, this can take awhile, but it's important that you understand she's probably more hurt than angry. why don't you try going to the movies this weekend to be among people and take your mind off things a bit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 23, 2005 Author Share Posted April 23, 2005 Ok this may sound stupid but should I only call once a day unless she calls me ? I don't want to put too much pressure on her. Since I have never done this before..I am winging it. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 I think that unless she specifically tells you to call less often, that you'd better step up to the plate and be her dream date. Any woman who's been cheated on will doubt her desirability. Send her flowers. It doesn't have to be an elaborate bouquet; just something to remind her that you love her during this week that you can't see her. She'll think about you every time she sees the flowers. DO NOT spend time out, unaccounted for. Keep your cell phone with you and always pick it up when she calls. Also: do everything you can to make yourself attractive and charming. She has lost respect for you and it may take time for her to regain it, but it will help if you look good and treat her beautifully. Be patient! The anger stage can last a long time, and return unexpectedly, but if she has already told you that she loves you and wants to work through this together, you are in a good position. And be honest with her. Tell her everything she wants to know, however painful it is. She wants to understand where SHE went wrong, what behavior of yours she overlooked or discounted, and knowing that you lied on such-and-such a date will actually help her, since she'll feel empowered in her ability to figure out if you are ever lying to her again. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 I know this is a long process. SHe is no longer mad but confused. I will finally get to see her on Friday. We talk everyday which is good. I hope she hangs in there with me because she really loves me. I will say she wants me calling her. Which is a good thing. Sometimes I do wonder if it would be better if I didn't call as much but then she may not believe me that I really do love her. Any thoughts on this ? Link to post Share on other sites
ltomlinson81 Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 She may say she is no longer angry at what you did, but she will probably harbor residual anger for a long time to come. Don't be surprised if it creeps up now and then and she gets mad at you. If she is working through this with you, she is hoping to get beyond it. But like everyone else said, it is a long and difficult healing process. You are a good man to stand by and want to prove yourself. Call her as much as you see fit. As long as she doesn't tell you to stop calling her, you are in the right. I am sure she is noting every kind gesture you throw her way. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
teebee Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 I went to New Jersey after work on Friday I meet up with my Ex for dinner because he was leaving for China for work. I had a round trip ticket and will be going home right after to be with my boy friend. We kept talking and catching up about our old friends and I ended up staying over his place after the bar. We went shopping and I brought my boyfriend a "Peter Gabriel's Video DVD" just for him, so he would be happy. My boyfriend was calling me and I had missed his calls several times because it was on vibrate. When I called him back he had called me out on where I had been. I told him "Yes" that I indeed was "bad". He then told me that he'll call me back, I think he was trying to take it in. He then called me back to meet me and that I should have to give him $100 back that I owed him from vacation. I didn't know we were keeping track on money, but who cares I met him and handed him the money. Instead of fixing things then and there I ended up running away right after crying a river. It has been 1 week now that this incidents has happened. He did call me on Monday to ask how I was doing and that he was watching "24, Jack" a show we use to watch together all the time. I love him so much I don't know what to do. On Thursday I had gone out to his friends party to grab a quick drink and to meet my girl friends somewhere else. Friday I decided to order flowers to his job sign "I love you". He called me back to say that If I want to get back together that I have to give him space and not attend his friends parties and getting wasted. I told him "Sure np, very fair and understanding". We talked a little more but he is still mixed and confused so I won't want to push it. I asked myself "Why did I go to NJ to see my EX" over & over again. It feels like I was sincere enough to tell my bf the truth because he had told me that if I tell him the truth there might be a chance of reconcile. I always been true to him until this act. We cook dinner together, we do laundry and fun normal couple things, now that's all out the window. Although it's been 1 week only I really want to see him in person so we can just look at each and I can tell him that I will change. Being that he is a DJ I had adjusted my lifestyle for him, dealing with the 10-4am parties etc. I'm 28 and he's 25 and occasionally he does drugs at these parties. Drugs are not my style and it frightens me because I don't do that stuff. His MySpace.com website which he posted our photos are now all taking down and new ones of his friends and girls are replaced. He had changed his status to single. My dad has lung Cancer and my relationship with my dad is not well too. We are not close because he is mean to me. Works been extremely busy and I'm falling behind recently on my work. I don't want to give up because I care about him, I will give him space and be here waiting for him when he is ready. Hopefully he will not give up on me if we both really love each other. Please let me know if there is anything I missed so I can mend this diaster. I'm opened to as many suggestions. Thank you Teebee Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 TeeBee, I think you need to start a new thread so you can get responses on your issue. This thread is concerning someone else's subject matter your posting on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted May 2, 2005 Author Share Posted May 2, 2005 Ok I will just say this and hope it makes sense. I am trying more than ever with my girlfriend and it is really odd since we don't live together now. We spent the weekend together (I stayed back at our home with her) until Sunday night when everything went south. She tells me she wants to feel the way she felt before about me..( the deep in love part) or we cannot get together. She doen't want to break up..that is why we are trying to make this work and it is killing me. I hate to see how I did this to her because she is my soul mate, best friend etc. I am starting to wonder if we should have more time apart or something. I have never done this and I am just asking for help. I am torn apart inside and have no idea what to do. All I want to do is take the pain away from her. I really just want her to be happy. If this is without me then I have to live with that since I am the idiot that messed up. It just hurts no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Not much time has passed Radil. I believe time heals all wounds. It's not like you insulted her outfit and upset here for the evening. You seem like a great guy who made a mistake. All I am saying is you will need to wait months for things to get better. Is it easy for you to share your feelings? Have you told her everything you have told us? The hard part for you is you don't know that it will get better. Your stuck in limbo with the anxiety of the unknown or possibilities the worst will happen. But you need to accept what has been done is done. You also need to realize your plan is to continue to be there for her in and out of counseling, that's all you can do now. Hating yourself, feeling worried and running thoughts over and over is not productive. If you are thinking too far ahead or the whole picture is too overwhelming maybe you could break it down into steps. For example, write your plans out like therapy attendance, phone calls each day, etc and promise yourself to continue with what you are doing. Set time aside only once a week to evaluate improvements or revisions and try not to think about it until that day of the week happens. Sometimes we get inpatient and see if the problem is better or fixed a few hours later rather than giving it the couple of months it will require. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted May 2, 2005 Author Share Posted May 2, 2005 Yes I agree I am looking to far in the future and wanting to know the results. She takes it day by day. I just wish for once I could take the pain I caused her away. I am thinking positive but I break down at times. We had a great weekend together because we agreed not to discuss the issue anymore. Groovy you are a great person and very helpful when I am in dire need. Thanks again for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radil Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 OMG this is the most horrible thing to go thru. I feel like she just pushed me off in a corner. It seems our relationship is going nowhere. Should I just throw in the towel and not see her anymore ? I love her but this part is killing me. Nothing I do makes anything better. She is basically just preoccupied with her children so she doesn't have to think about me I truely believe. I feel she wants to see me when it is convienent to her. I know I am the person who screwed up here....... Link to post Share on other sites
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