I cheated and she is in the anger stage but it is killing me....HELP

[Agnes]

Radil, I am a bit confused at where your head is. You have stated you know it is a long process of her getting past the issue and forgiving you for your mistake.. but it doesnt sound like you are giving her much time. Where is it you think your relationship should be that it isnt?

 

She must love you a lot to be even speaking to you. I dont know that I could do that. She sounds like she is hurting bad, let the poor girl grieve, dont overwhelm her, just be there for her. If you find you are impatient with the forgiving part then perhaps you dont love her as much as you think. Perhaps you are in love with the idea of being in love, or you just want something you currently dont have. I am just throwing ideas out there. I dont know you so I am trying to not judge here, just trying to help.

[Radil]

Yes Agnes you are correct. Sorry I had a bad day yesterday. It is hard when you don't know what is happening in your life. I have backed off of her and I will have to wait and see. We are working thru things slowly. Some days it is easier to deal with. I do love her.

[Radil]

I am dying here. I think I am making everything worse. She has no intentions of dating anyone else but she joined a dating site and she told me just to have another adult to talk to thru email. We both work from home so I can understand this. God I love her so much but I feel she is pushing me away. It is so hard having someone in your life then not anymore. I guess I will see her Friday...at least I hope so. I know she is still angry and hurt. I think I am pressuring her too much but I want to stay in contact so I don't lose her.

[babybear]

Radil, I'm just wondering HOW and WHY it happened? Was it a one night stand, an affair with a coworker?

 

I have experienced this before - having my long term bf cheat on me. It KILLED me inside. I was devastated. I kept looking for new details to get upset about, searching his emails, prying and prying and asking hurtful questions like, where did it happen. What was her name, ethnicity, etc. It did help me, because it helped me tackle all the issues, and nothing could creep up on me anymore. I didnt want surprises - I wanted it ALL out on the table, so I could get more and more numb to it. Well - I have to tell you her mood swings will last A LONG time. Actually, they probably won't ever go away, but will be less frequent. I played tug of war for 2 years with my bf before finally just calling it quits. I lost respect for him, and some days I couldnt be touched by him. I didnt want to see his face, I didnt want his hands near me - he just disgusted me. When we had sex, sometimes i would stop in the middle - and imagine him having sex with someone else. I could never ever love him like I used to - so I stopped trying. I think cheating is something that can get worse with time. First it stings - but over time you start to think "who in the world did you think YOU were to treat me so bad?!?" At least, that's the point I reached.

 

Hope for the best - but don't be surprised if this never gets better. She's talking to you, and you are lucky for that. But you have broken something that can never be fixed. Yes, the relationship can still go on - but these thoughts will ALWAYS haunt her for as long as she is with you. At the end of my relationship I told my bf we were doomed the moment he cheated - and we both should have known that we were prolonging the inevitable trying to work it out.

 

The worst thing you can do, is to act llike putting in an extra effort is troublesome for you. Just remember, you dropped a huge burden in her hands that she never asked for, so don't complain that you are inconvenienced.

 

All the best to your gf.

Babybear

[Radil]

I can understand babybear. I am not giving up on her. She will have to give up on me first. Yes I made a huge mistake and it opened my eyes. I am going to do everything and whatever it takes to keep her in my life without the pressure of course. Then at least I will know I tried.

[LuckyC]

My boyfriend (now husband) cheated on me. It was 4 years ago when it happened and I still haven't gotten over it. It took a long time but I do believe he's being faithful with me. The cheating saga really damaged our relationship. I love my husband but I hate to say that I don't love him the way I use to. He knows it. It hurts him b/c I act different towards him now. I don't go out of my way for him like I use to. My heart isn't always there in the intimacy dept. Sometimes I feel disgusted when he wants to be intimate especially when I'm not in the mood or I'm tired. He tries to be persuasive and it angers me more. I feel like he's being selfish with his own needs over my needs. I'm not trying to scare you saying she'll feel like I do. I'm just giving you another perspective. Try to give your girlfriend space but show her that you're there for her. Call her once in a while so she knows you care. Give her a lot of attention so she knows she's everything to you. I understand if you want to go hang out to get your mind off things but if she knew you were hanging out, do you think she might think your having fun without her? I have to run. If the both of you love each other and are willing to make things work it will in time but it won't be an easy road.

[Radil]

well I lost.......she no longer wants to be with me. She chose she cannot be with me for what I did..but she still wants to be best friends. I love her and still will wait for her but I don't think I can talk to her in the meantime because I need to somehow heal.

[LuckyC]

Everything is still fresh. It's obvious she doesn't want to fully let you go so there's still hope. How can you be best friends when you don't want to be just a friend. You're just making it harder on yourself. It'll be like torcher. I been through the whole friend stage on-and-off with my husband so I know how it's like. I always tell my friends when you break up with someone you love either try to work things out or make a clear break. It would be incredibly difficult to move on. Just so I can understand, if you don't mind me asking, why did you cheat on her? Did you feel neglected by her? Was the other woman coming on strong and she was attractive? I found out my husband (then boyfriend) was cheating on me during majority of the 1st year him and I dated again (we were high school sweethearts the first time we dated) which was his child's mother. She was happy to gloat and tell me about it. She wanted very much for us to break up. I was devastated and crushed b/c I thought something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. When she told me, I was in shock b/c all he talked about was how he hates this woman and how malicious she is. She done illegal acts and try to come after him and myself and my family (not his but mine). I'm thinking she's insane and he felt that way too so why would I ever think they would get together. My mother warned me that their bond of having a child, her not letting him go and him loving his child so much was only going to lead to heartache. I didn't believe her. I thought our love was strong. I asked him millions of questions of why it happened. He told me growing up he didn't have the traditional family of having both parents in the picture. He said she kept coming on to him and telling him they should work things out and be a family again. She knew the family thing was his weakness. He told me even if they didn't get along very well but they were civil to each other he would try to work things out so their daughter could have a family. He thought I would be okay with that answer. Of course I wasn't. I treated him really well and loved him very much. I didn't neglect him. We got along very well. He told me he was happy with me. It scares me that it wasn't enough to keep him strong. The child's mother will always be in the picture. I had the fear if she comes on to him will he cheat on me again. Are they having secret meetings or phone conversations? Many fears ran through my head. I needed to understand why he did what he did so it won't happen again. He did a major turnaround. He became the man I wanted him to be all along. I wish he was like that without me going through what I did. I finally trusted him but it's so hard to get rid of the anger. You would think I'm schizo with him b/c I could love him one moment and if he did or say something I don't like I'm such a bitch. It could be something so small and I would blow it and try to get under his skin. I think it's my way of getting him back and he takes it. I don't want to keep on doing this. You would think now that I trust him everything will be fine but it hasn't. Maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to live a life of fear that you may cheat on her for the same reason you may have done the first time you cheated. Everyone's tolerance level varies. A lot of my friends tell me they wouldn't have stuck around as long as I did.

[Radil]

so what do I do ? She loves still ..that I know but refuses to have a boyfriend who cheated. I don't want to be her best friend and see her with someone else. I already destroyed enough and even thinking that kills me even more. I am not sure what I thought I was getting from the other woman. I just know once I got involved I knew I wanted out and it hit me like a hammer but I was scared to tell my GF in fear of losing her when infact I am. I want her in my life somehow. Would prefer to spend my life with her but right now she won't. Am I doing the wrong thing here ?

[LuckyC]

No, you're not. I would still give it a try. As you said you know she still loves you. If my husband wasn't so persistent we wouldn't have been together. Everytime when I pushed him away he kept on trying. Don't be too pushy and overbearing when you deal with her. Just be supportive and show her the love you have for her. Show her the love you can offer her. Kind of remind her what made your relationship special by showing her not telling her. In terms of talking to her, when you get to really sit down and be able to have a decent conversation let her know how awful you feel and how much she means to you. She needs to trust you again. Somehow you need to reassure her it's not going to happen again. She needs to see there something special about the relationship that's worth holding on to. If you've tried everything you got and you gave it time and she still doesn't budge, you need to realize when to move on. Good luck.

[Radil]

Ok LuckyC here is the progress this week. First she says we aren't dating but I do believe that was a emotional thing she doesn't mean. I spent the past 2 nights with her and everything went great. No fighting..just having fun and also intimate with each other. So that is a plus. I am not even going to ask her what our status is. I am just going to see where this goes.