We can NOT co-parent, am I in the wrong?

[Blue08]

I would appreciate ANY advice:) I have 3 boys and we are divorced, I am the mother and have 2 younger boys(6 & 3) with me 3 weekends out of the month, and any vacation they have from school. Summer is 50/50. The oldest lives with me full-time.

Everyime I have the boys, my ex is ALWAYS nit picking with me, about every "small" detail. If they get a scratch bump or bruise it's because I was not watching them or I was letting them be to wild.

He makes a list of things for when I pick them up, with stuff like, they need to wear long sleeve shirts if the bugs are bad, the 6yr old needs to read every night, and they need to wear a hat that covers their ears if it is chilly.

I followed his request of a long sleeve shirt to protect against mosquitoes (Not like I needed to be told this) but he still ended up getting a few bites (two to be exact on his forehead and a few on his legs) and then after he picks him up I get text message saying I need to do something about it.

He has my 6yr old doing homework everyday for at least an hour everyday, which ok, he is doing wonderful academically. He read to me friday, and saturday he fell asleep early and I was not going to wake up him to read to me. So I get a message about that also.

When he picks the boys up they have to come back to them the way that he sent them. Clean and fed. which I do, I have them take a shower and out clean clothes on and I feed them.

I Made them an egg sandwhich for dinner last night, and apparently that was not good enough. I feel as though the weather is beautiful and I am not going to spending my time in kitchen cooking. ( I don't do this every time) We just got eggs locally earlier that day, and they wanted an egg sandwich.

My boyfriend has a 14 yr old son, and we do a great deal of 4-wheeling, he wonderful with my boys and I know the 14yr old very well. He has taken my boys on short rides with a helmet. I am here and watching. My ex has an issue with this because he is saying they should not be on the 4-wheeler with him.

There is so much more I feel like there is ALWAYS something, whether i meet his requests or not. I feel like he is probably writing everything down to try and get them taken away. It also makes me feel like a bad mother, in which I don't believe that I am. I can not prevent everything, they are boys, they get dirty, climb trees, ride bikes, roller blade, and many other things little boys do. I feel like he is making these requests almost impossible to meet. Or maybe I am in the wrong.

I also don't understand in the first place what made him boss? I don't entirely agree with or what he might do with the kids but I have to trust his choices when they are with him unless it is something absurd. He has always been controlling in what I feel in every way. This is one of the reasons we did not work, it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough, and now I feel as though I am not a good mother because I can't meet every expectation or if I do there will be something else. Please any advice not from HIM would be helpful.

[sandylee1]

You need to put your foot down and tell him you are a responsible parent and you don't need him being so pedantic about things. The two of you won't agree on everything regarding the kids, but as long as neither of you is neglecting or putting them in danger, he'll have to accept what you do. That's what often happens with a divorced couple.

[jakrbbt]

It's very possible your ex has anxieties (even if he has other control issues too). If that's the case, he's just going a little nuts trying to reassure himself that all the little things his brain told him to worry about are fine when his sons are out of his sight. I say that because most his concerns seem like physical wellbeing ones.

 

All of those things, by the way, probably fall into the category of stuff that's your parenting choice and that he has no say over legally. Unless there's also a lot you haven't told us, he'd look pretty eccentric going into court with a list like "egg sandwich" and "mosquito bites." (The 4-wheeling might be different.) You on the other hand, would have a list like "harasses me constantly." But I understand if you are concerned about not just the legal aspect, but the parenting and co-parenting aspect.

 

Something you can do to reassure yourself is take your sons to a family counselor with you. Have some one-on-one with the counselor. Let him or her observe them with you et c. And (probably out of the boys' presence) ask lots of questions about these little parenting preferences. The counselor will most likely reassure you of two things: 1) your boys are fine with your parenting, and 2) Your boys are able to get their dad's influence when he is with them, period-- in other words, dad does not have to keep parenting them from afar, just to make them good readers or whatever.

 

And remember that it's possible your ex comes up with a concern that's actually valid, among all the nitpicky ones. Or maybe there's something that has to be dealt with that neither you nor your ex recognizes. There's nothing wrong with hearing from a counselor how you can improve your sons' wellbeing here and there. And it would really help you if ever that day came where your ex tried to get some kind of custody or parenting-time change.

But my guess is that a counselor will make you feel a lot better and more grounded in the situation.

 

It would also be good to make sure your sons aren't mildly grappling with some anxiety or control issues from their dad. Not the end of the world if they are, but another reason for some counseling perhaps.

 

Simply ignoring your ex politely is an option. At least, don't take it personally. Like I said, it sounds like he simply suffers from anxiety and it's not about you so much. Of course he could also be scheming and trying to "take them" away, but the situation doesn't sound like that to me.

 

Is the divorce recent? Did something happen that shook up parenting trust? (In my case for instance, my ex filed for sole custody and now I am way more worried about him as a parent than I'd otherwise be.) It sounds like you two don't trust each other, but lots of times that goes away over time (or so I hear). You could wait until things have cooled of and then set a boundary with him, telling him that you don't want to hear about anything that's not a real safety concern.

 

 

It would be nice for you two if you both could "agree on" some parenting preferences like how much kid should read et c. But it's not at all necessary to agree on that stuff. Ex might be just hoping you'll agree and accommodate his wish, but he's wrong to complain when you don't follow through on stuff you do not have to agree with.

 

It's also possible you simply need space from the past where your ex tried to control you. That's valid, but how to assert that is another thing. You could tell him to knock it off, or you could possibly just acknowledge to yourself that need for space, and deal with it in your own life and largely ignore the texts. If it were me, I'd have to heal from a past where someone had tried to control me.

 

Your ex would benefit from someone reassuring him that his influence is strong even if he's not there 50 or 80% of the time. But you can't really control what he thinks and I don't know how amenable he is to that kind of conversation.

 

People with control issues or anxieties often just need lots of external reassurance of things. "The boys are thriving" or "You have such a strong influence on them", et c. But like I said, you can opt to just not care what your ex thinks about your parenting, and care instead what a professional thinks if anyone.

Edited May 4, 2015 by jakrbbt

[BetrayedH]

You don't have to do a coparenting approach; you can do parallel parenting instead. He does his thing when he has the kids and you do yours. You each have a level of influence.

 

Keep the kids safe, fed, clothed, educated, and clean. Make decisions that you could defend in court as reasonable. You could either ignore his messages; I doubt your marital settlement agreement or court order requires you to reply to him. Or you could reply with, "Feel free to engage your attorney with your concerns over eggs sandwiches and mosquito bites."

 

Make it clear that if he wants his concerns to be heard or addressed by you, he needs to pick his battles and approach you with courtesy and respect or they will go ignored and he can take 'em to a judge.

[Mr. Lucky]

Keep the kids safe, fed, clothed, educated, and clean. Make decisions that you could defend in court as reasonable. You could either ignore his messages; I doubt your marital settlement agreement or court order requires you to reply to him. Or you could reply with, "Feel free to engage your attorney with your concerns over eggs sandwiches and mosquito bites."

 

Make it clear that if he wants his concerns to be heard or addressed by you, he needs to pick his battles and approach you with courtesy and respect or they will go ignored and he can take 'em to a judge.

 

Agreed. Do what I do to a few fellow forum posters - put him on "Ignore".

 

I went through this at first with my ex regarding clothes, she wanted our son returned in the (washed and cleaned) clothes he came over in since they were "hers". I told her the clothes weren't hers or mine, they were our son's and ignored every other clothes message after that. Paraphrasing what I've heard my grandkids say, he's not the boss of you!

 

Although I'm not sure about the 3-year old on a four wheeler ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

I would stop entertaining all the small critiques about what you're not doing. Tell him that your time is yours to spend, and his time is his, and it isn't his place to tell you how to spend your time with the boys. And then don't explain it again, just ignore it or wave it off. State the same to your boys so that they know that you are confident in your "different but both valid" approach. Take care not to criticize dad's way, either.

 

About the 4 wheeling--on a safety issue, I do think that both parents have a right to say "no". I'd respect that one.

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm in the nfw camp on the four wheeler with the 14 year old. Even with a helmet.

 

The other stuff, not such a big deal.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing. You need to understand that your situation is not that unique and is repeated over-and-over again when a divorce becomes reality for a family. If your ex-husband was controlling when you were married he will be the same after divorced. There is such a thing as false guilt and you need to know the difference between that and real issues. The issue at hand is WHAT'S BEST FOR THE CHILDREN. Unfortunately, divorced couples often use their children as battering rams against one another. Listen, not very many fathers will be very excited about their boys riding four wheelers with their ex-wife's boyfriend. It's just a fact, but the two of you have made your choice and you are no longer together. He will have to deal with this reality.

 

There is a great book that I highly recommend that you get your hands on as soon as possible. It's titled Co-Parenting Works! Working Together to Help Your Children Thrive by Tammy Daughtry. She deals with every issue that can come up between parents who have divorced. It's very practical and can shed some light on the whole situation. Please grab it because it really will be very helpful. Otherwise, understand that your ex-husband's issues are his own and they do not need to be owned by you. Be the best mom you can be and put your children ahead of everything else - especially your boyfriend.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have been in the exact same situation with a controlling ex-husband and sharing custody, for many years.

 

As others have said, you do not owe him any explanations about how you parent when the kids are with you. Just ignore everything he says and don't respond to it, except to say ONE TIME, "If you think anything I am doing during my times with the children is harming them, have your attorney contact my attorney" and then just go on living your life.

 

When you have been in an abusive, controlling marriage the ex will use whatever he can to try to continue to control your behavior and get his way. Sorry; you're not married anymore so he gets NO influence over you.

 

Even after 7+ years of divorce, my ex-husband went off on me about a year ago because I was driving our daughter (then 13) home from a 7-hour trip to see family, and it became dark before we reached home. He lit into me repeatedly via text message and phone calls while I was driving, saying I was a horrible mother because I was driving my daughter in a car after dark (WTF? Never heard of headlights?) It was beyond ridiculous, but it did throw me (which was his intent) until I remembered that he was just being the a**hole that he is and then I just told him to have his attorney contact my attorney describing how abusive I was being by driving with my daughter on a highway after dark. A judge would laugh him out of the courtroom, and he knows it.

 

Don't let him continue to control you AFTER the divorce. Just be the best mom you can be to your kids - that's the only thing you need to do at this point.

[amaysngrace]

I'd like to know how much of his time with the children is spent pumping them for information.

 

Some might say that borders on abuse.

[Blue08]

Wow, thank you so much for the replies. I will definitely take this advice, I will really try and make it not bother me. I just have this fear ever since we got a divorce of going to court, I feel as if I have no power or authority when it comes to him but it gets better as it goes on I guess. As far as the 4-wheeling goes I understand how people may be uncomfortable with this, I checked the laws in our area and I will make sure we abide by them accordingly. My ex also has a 4 person ATV, which he brings the children along. Some more info on my ex...after this "episode" over the weekend my children had dentists appointments and offered help if he needed any because I was in the general area that day. His reply was, "no, but I could use a BJ." really????!! I just do not get it! Now, he is being all nice and thanking me for our beautiful children and texting me. ugh! he has a girlfriend also and we have been separated for a little over a year now!

[beach]

I do NOT need to follow my exH instructions on parenting.

 

I am the parent. I do as I see fit.

 

 

He does his way. I don't interfere. I make it a point that he is NOT allowed to tell me how I can parent! It's none of his business!

 

 

And I remind him "we are NOT married anymore - so keep your opinions to yourself"!

[Lion Heart]

Wow, thank you so much for the replies. I will definitely take this advice, I will really try and make it not bother me. I just have this fear ever since we got a divorce of going to court, I feel as if I have no power or authority when it comes to him but it gets better as it goes on I guess. As far as the 4-wheeling goes I understand how people may be uncomfortable with this, I checked the laws in our area and I will make sure we abide by them accordingly. My ex also has a 4 person ATV, which he brings the children along. Some more info on my ex...after this "episode" over the weekend my children had dentists appointments and offered help if he needed any because I was in the general area that day. His reply was, "no, but I could use a BJ." really????!! I just do not get it! Now, he is being all nice and thanking me for our beautiful children and texting me. ugh! he has a girlfriend also and we have been separated for a little over a year now!

 

Hi Blue

 

I read your thread starter and thought that maybe your exH wanted to have the say over you as you were still someone he wanted. Yeah I don't get men like this but believe me, I've been married to 3 exactly the same. I won't go into details but I will tell you how I dealt.

 

Communicate through email. This way you BOTH have a record if any further issues come up and he plays hard ball. This protects you.

 

State very clearly via email that you were both given access rights to your children by law. You have respected the ruling and expect he should too. "Thank" him for his guidance of how to be a responsible parent but tell him you are ALREADY a responsible parent. Ask for all directions via email. Respond in point form. Be careful never to make long winded explanations for eg why your son got 2 mosquito bites etc. Mozzies are in your area, we use insect repellant. The mosquitoes in our area don't carry disease. (More or less saying "get over it"!!!!!).

Also about all the adventures you take your children on. GOOD ON YOU!! I do this too. (My eldest D had 3 broken arms! Imagine that. Yeah. One from falling off a swing. Yeah big adventure that. One from roller blading. One from Dance Group practice at school. All my "fault"? No. Life. Wish they didn't happen but there you go.)

Children want fun, adventure and good times in the lives. Email that you stay within the law at all times and follow all safety procedures but you will not make your children sit out of activities they want to participate in.

 

Parents who behave like this IMO are just not letting go of YOU.

This is THEIR problem. Not yours.

 

You're a VERY good mum. Ignore the sh** OP have to say to you about YOUR parenting. Reply "Did I ask for your opinion? No? Then don't give it." Assertiveness training my dear. Get a mountain of it in you now. Xxxx

 

Lion Heart.

PS: I'm a mother of 4. 1 child from previous WH and 3 to this WH. I've replied quite often to any criticism from them with "so you think YOU have credibility to COMMENT on MY parenting. You don't. Stick it where the sun don't shine." ? I've respected their time with my children. You have to teach these Hs "respect" they obviously didn't learn it from their parents.

x