my PMS'ing girlfriend is ruining our great relationship.

April 20, 2005

Hello everybody, i'm totally new to this list and i'm posting here desparetly in search of some advise.

A little background:

-ME: 34 years old, architect, fun, happy person.

-HER: 24 years old, editor, fun, happy person.

-We've been together 2years: 1 long distance, 1 in same town.

-We are extreemly in love and she's a LOT of fun and i love to spend time with her. we like the same music, have the same tastes, morals, ideas on life, etc... it's a seemingly perfect match.

THE PROBLEM:

-every 3-1/2 weeks she goes crazy with PMS and it ends up in a fight and we almost break up! it's totally crazy. she finds a tiny thing that i've done and makes it the biggest wrongdoing in human history.

then, when i get upset that she's mad at me for something small, she says, "well you can just go ahead and break up with me then!"

and this is from a person who 30 minutes before, was telling me how she'd die without me!!

what in the hell is going on and how do i fix it?

i'm totally in love with her and if i let her go i'll totally lose it and never fall in love again...at least for a LONG time. letting her go is the VERY LAST thing that i could do. it'd kill me.

thanks a million in advance to whomever can shed light on this..

April 20, 2005

Ok. Just know this is sort of out of her hands...She could make a huge effort and just take some space from you, do her own thing and also you back off and leave her alone when she is in a mood.

She needs to talk to her Dr. There are vitamins and minerals she can take which will help the PMS. Zinc, Iron and B12, B6 are very important.

Hope this helps. Don't give up on her though!!

PS: PMS = Punish my spouse!

April 20, 2005

Throw her in a cave with a three-day supply of food and water. Repeat every 3.5 weeks.

April 21, 2005

She only does this when she's PMS'ing?

If so, my brother-in-law's sister has the same thing happen. She was actually put on meds because it got so bad that her husband almost divorced her.

Does she know she acts like this? I mean, is it something you both talk about either when or after it's happening? If she is fairly rational at other times, you may bring up that she needs some help overcoming this problem.

It sounds like a rotten way to have to deal with someone you love.

April 21, 2005

Honestly.. I would sit her butt down when she ISN'T having a PMS moment and tell her that making threats to break up or stating that you can go ahead and do so if you don't like whats going on isn't okay with you and is a deal breaker...

While I understand that PMS can be horrible for a lot of Women (and uh the Men who love them) it also IMO cannot be used as an excuse to be a ****er...

April 21, 2005

thanks a ton everybody for the responses! i am suprized i got any this quick

>>westernxer: Throw her in a cave with a three-day supply of food and water.

>>Repeat every 3.5 weeks.

HAHAHAaaa...i felt like that this morning.

i had a talk with her just about an hour ago and i said that this whole thing is outta control and something's got to change... i said that she's gotta let me know when the PMS starts or at least try to. she doesn't give me any warning and just springs it on me.

she agreed, and said that she's sorry and it's definately because of the PMS.. her sister is getting her some herbs or something..vitamins especially for her i think. her hormones are out of control i think...

anyway, thanks again! and i'm gonna stick around a look at the site

April 21, 2005

I also hate the PMS excuse.

She obviously needs to get on some medication. I don't believe that "herbs" will fix her. Why doesn't she get on the pill? That should fix it.

April 21, 2005

I do not buy the whole "This is out of her control" thing. Emotions can be controlled to some extent. If your girlfriend is getting so emotional, I am sure there is something she can do to minimize it at the very least. Then again, there have been women who got off of murder charges because they were PMS'ing...

Talk to your girlfriend about how drastic her changes are when she is PMSing. The best thing might be just to give her some alone time when she is going through what she has to go through. If you feel that she is getting very emotional, it might help to tell her that you feel that way, and let her know that you are going to go for a walk, or go to the library to do some reading, or something. Talk it over with her. I know that, for the most part, this is out of her control, but there has to be something that either you, or the two of you, can do to help a bit.

April 21, 2005

then, when i get upset that she's mad at me for something small, she says, "well you can just go ahead and break up with me then!"

Next time she's unreasonably upset, you know that it's not you; that something's up with her. So don't let it bother you. Screw those who say it's an 'excuse'. It's not. You usually don't realize you have PMS until you figure out that you're in a real bad or sad mood over nothing - and often you've already growled at someone.

But it certainly can be helped with vitamins and some natural remedies. She also will need to up her carb intake - women actually crave carbs around then precisely because their bodies need them. The hormones that get a period going knock seratonin (the happy mood chemical) out of whack.

Nobody likes behaving like an idiot. Faux had some excellent ideas; rather than snapping back, absent yourself for a while and let her regain her composure.

April 21, 2005

also hate the PMS excuse.

Believe me, it's not an excuse. My PMS was really bad too and it would effect my relationship. In fact when I was reading this it sounded like me and my boyfriend!! I honestly felt out of control- crazy almost!

I went on birth control, but also learning how to control stress helped a lot too!

April 21, 2005

I am sorry for you and your girlfriend.

pms is no laughing matter, mine was so bad that i felt drunk and could not speak properly, I got lost driving, and my husband swears that I turned into the girl on the excorcist whose head turned all the way around.

I would get her to an ob doctor pronto.

I am 47 years old now and my saintly husband put up with this every month for 14 years. 7 years ago i had to have a hysterectomy and what a world of difference.

Hormones are very powerful stuff, they make you do and say things you would not do otherwise. I realize not all women have this happen but it does happen and i'll bet your girlfriend feels awful as she is acting this way yet feels powerless to stop it. Then she feels guilty later for how she acted. If this sounds about right then continue be gentle with her and help her find out what is up physically.

You sound like a wonderful caring guy, she is lucky to have someone who cares about her like you do.

April 21, 2005

At 24, she's been having her menstrual cycle for somewhere around a dozen years, and barring anything particularly drastic, she'll be dealing with it for another 40 years or so.

So, you can allow her to use this as an excuse to treat you like s*** every month, or you can take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and make her aware that you don't deserve her wrath and if she doesn't get it under control then you're gone.

As aggressive as it may sound, this is clearly a case when it's her problem, and she's making it yours. That is just so wrong on so many levels it's hard to know where to start.

While I'm all for having a sit-down with her, in a rational frame of mind, to discuss this, I frankly don't think it's going to work. When she's PMS-ing (or at least using it as an excuse for irrational behaviour) then she's obviously not thinking clearly. Any agreement you arrived at when cooler heads were doing the talking with be tossed out the window when she's in the midst of one of her tizzy-fits.

By the way, you're not alone in this regard. I lived like this for a dozen years. After spending literally tens of thousands of dollars on counselling, countless visits to naturopaths and physicians and so forth with no results, I finally got completely and utterly fed up and left. Best personal decision I ever made.

April 21, 2005

As aggressive as it may sound, this is clearly a case when it's her problem, and she's making it yours. That is just so wrong on so many levels it's hard to know where to start.

Here's the smart thing to do: realize that it's PMS, that it's not under her control, and back off. Getting angry with it is as dumb as getting mad at a baby for crying. If you get your knickers in a knot about it, it's your problem since it's a known situation and you, who are not awash in hormones, are better able to control your reactions then is she.

Faux said it best - if it's bothering you, absent yourself.

April 21, 2005

i had a talk with her just about an hour ago and i said that this whole thing is outta control and something's got to change... i said that she's gotta let me know when the PMS starts or at least try to. she doesn't give me any warning and just springs it on me.

You can keep track of it yourself, not only rely on her to tell you. Use a calendar.

April 21, 2005

Hello There!

I am a sufferer of PMS......and everyone else in my path! I am 38 years old and it seems that the older I get, the more intense my PMS is. In my younger years it would strike me as many as 3 times a year but now......holy moly.....it's EVERY month.

I recently started taking vitamin B6. You can purchase it over the counter and take MY testiment as the truth. It works. I take a small 50mg tablet everyday and I feel FANTASTIC!

Talk to your pharmacist he will back up what I am saying. When I pointed out to my b/f friend that I am not PMSing he was like "holy cow...what did you do? Why are'nt you crying or freaking? This is great!!!! Whatever you are doing.....keep doing it because I like this!"

Proven to work! I promise.

bubbles

April 21, 2005

um....if you KNOW it's coming, DON'T FEED IT!

duh!

Ok, think about it. She's a hormonal emotional mess. When you're like that, it's HARD to control yourself...believe me. My husband and I avoid each other this week. Can you do that? If she needs you, can you be there for her without getting defensive? If some small thing you did caused a hormonal explosion, just apologize for the small thing...dont argue with her..she's not in her right mind.

Just don't feed her hormonal attacks! You KNOW she doesn't mean it, you KNOW she's not thinkin clearly...arguing with a PMSing woman is like trying to argue with a crazy person...what they are feeling, they think is REAL. It's really just chemicals and hormones making her miserable.

It probably only lasts for three days.

Also, she can control it a degree. Don't push her during this week. Be nice and sensitive. Buy her flowers. Bring her CHOCOLATE. Don't push buttons. Don't poke fun at her bloatedness. DON'T FEED THE HORMONES! If she starts crying because you looked at the waitress one second too long, APOLOGIZE! Do NOT say, "Oh, here we go again...I did not look at the waitress...it's just your hormones!"

Look...all I'm saying is DON'T BLAME HER. Give her one week out of the month where you don't have to be prideful and defensive. If she accuses you of something, reassure her, and apologize apologize apologize.

And be extra loving. She's hormonal...do you not think that these fights don't feel like the world is falling on her?

Most men are too prideful and selfish to be considerate when a woman can't control her bad emotions. Please...just let her feel the way she feels without arguing with her.

April 21, 2005

No, No, No........NO chocolate!!! No Caffeine!!! No Sugar!!!

Flowers yes but.......vitamin B6......Yes, Yes, Yes!!!

Trust me I know first hand.

bubbles

April 21, 2005

Originally posted by moimeme
..realize that it's PMS, that it's not under her control, and back off.

Sorry, I don't buy it. I've seen too many women use the excuse too many times to get something or for a power ploy. And, strangely, their symptoms disappear immediately upon getting their way. Funny how that happens...

Getting angry with it is as dumb as getting mad at a baby for crying.

Agreed. But who said anything about getting angry about it?

if it's bothering you, absent yourself.

That doesn't work either, because then you're not being "supportive in her hour of need." It's one of those damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't scenarios.

Now, what worked for me and others may not work for you, so obviously you have to trust your own judgement and instincts on this one. But the fact is that the issue starts with her, and she's got to take responsibility for it.

I respect what Bubbles did; took the matter into her own hands, talked to a professional, and now manages the issue on her own. Both she and her relationship are better for it. Well done!

April 21, 2005

Originally posted by slubberdegullion

Sorry, I don't buy it. I've seen too many women use the excuse too many times to get something or for a power ploy. And, strangely, their symptoms disappear immediately upon getting their way. Funny how that happens...

That happens with anything, not just PMS. If people are miserable about something, and then something good happens, they don't keep being miserable. Duh. The difference with this hyper-PMS'ing girl is that she's more likely to resume the misery soon after.

At least PMS is a proven medical problem. Some men will be miserable until they get sex, treat you like crap, and then they're happy after they get their way...so i guess this is the same thing then?

Not quite.

It's a real problem, she's not using an excuse, it's real. You're not a female. Stick to what you know.

April 21, 2005

Search for [color=blue]His & Hers PMS Premenstrual Syndrome Calendar [/color] at coolpress.com Its a commercial link so I can't put it here, but this is a serious but funny way for both of you to begin to deal with the problem.

She needs to see her doctor for some possible help, and to be forthcoming about whatever supplements she takes. Most of those herbal remedies have been proven to not work. Diet and exercise are more beneficial. No alcohol or smoking, lean meats, fresh fruit and veggies and moderate to strenuous exercise every day will help with the symptoms (maybe because that's a good healthy lifestyle overall)

PMS is not an excuse - it is a real disease. If you love her than you have to accept the bad with the good, but that doesn't mean you should sit back and do nothing and be miserable yourself for however long her body is suffering. Encourage her to talk to her doctor. Do some web searches on PMS & PMDD and learn more about it. You can start with WebMD.

April 22, 2005

I recently started taking vitamin B6.

I agree that it's great, but again, Bubbles, what works for you and I may not work for everyone. By all means suggest she try it but if it doesn't work, she needs to find her own solutions. I find Vitamin E is also crucial.

Sorry, I don't buy it. I've seen too many women use the excuse too many times to get something or for a power ploy. And, strangely, their symptoms disappear immediately upon getting their way. Funny how that happens...

Great attitude, bud.

Tell ya what. Get yourself shot with an excess of testosterone once a month and see what a darling you are to live with. Nobody uses it as an 'excuse'. We HATE it. I've not seen or heard of one woman being happy to be acting like a moron.

Agreed. But who said anything about getting angry about it?

You didn't. OP did.

if it's bothering you, absent yourself.

That doesn't work either, because then you're not being "supportive in her hour of need." It's one of those damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't scenarios.

Everybody's different. And it's *how* you do it that counts. "That's it - I'm outta here until you're sane" is NOT supportive. "I know you're pretty stressed and I'm not helping much so I'll go for a walk and allow you some time to yourself" is.

I respect what Bubbles did; took the matter into her own hands, talked to a professional, and now manages the issue on her own. Both she and her relationship are better for it. Well done!

Nobody said she has no responsibility to fix it, but the treatments are fairly new so she mightn't have realized there are things that help. And even then, there'll still be some residual PMS possibly; I doubt it's ever completely defeated.

As for chocolate, yes, the conventional wisdom is to avoid it, but that's to prevent bloating. Bloated and in a good mood is better than not bloated and cranky. Chocolate contains one of the substances that circulates in your blood when you're in love. It's also a carb and women need more carbs then.

April 22, 2005

Originally posted by MaleyMarlboro
You're not a female. Stick to what you know.

All I can tell you is what I've seen, and what I've seen, I know. It may not be politically correct, and it may not be "enlightened" (whatever that means) but it's reality as I've seen it.

Originally posted by moimeme
Great attitude, bud.

Tell ya what. Get yourself shot with an excess of testosterone once a month and see what a darling you are to live with. Nobody uses it as an 'excuse'. We HATE it. I've not seen or heard of one woman being happy to be acting like a moron.

I agree that it can be difficult for women who suffer from it. What I don't agree with is the "I can get away with anything, including treating my husband/boyfriend/friends/co-workers/children like crap because I happen to be suffering from PMS."

It happens every single month from the ages of about 13 to around 50 (barring surgery or other complications). Sure, you're welcome to call me all the names in the book, but it doesn't change the fact that women go through their menstrual cycles for decades.

All I'm saying is, simply, deal with it. Sure, it's not fair and sure, it's difficult, but those are the cards you were dealt, just like men are dealt cards that invariably mean we die a decade before women. It may not be fair, but it's reality.

April 22, 2005

You deal with it. There's no need to flap your jaw if the gal's not feeling well, is there? Nor is there any need to lose it. It's fascinating that in a couple, you think all the weight of this issue should be on one party. You can help out, you know. And if you don't, then I hope very much you get ignored when you have a cold and think nobody has ever suffered more than you and that you need constant babying.

Relationships are about being kind to one another - or they should be - and that means making allowances sometimes - if you're too tired or lazy to shave, if all you do is hang out in the sweats and watch sports, if you keep forgetting to take out the garbage, for instance. It's not just you who has to put up with BS, and therefore you ought to be as forgiving as you expect to be forgiven.

April 22, 2005

Originally posted by moimeme
You deal with it. There's no need to flap your jaw if the gal's not feeling well, is there? Nor is there any need to lose it. It's fascinating that in a couple, you think all the weight of this issue should be on one party. You can help out, you know. And if you don't, then I hope very much you get ignored when you have a cold and think nobody has ever suffered more than you and that you need constant babying.

Relationships are about being kind to one another - or they should be - and that means making allowances sometimes - if you're too tired or lazy to shave, if all you do is hang out in the sweats and watch sports, if you keep forgetting to take out the garbage, for instance. It's not just you who has to put up with BS, and therefore you ought to be as forgiving as you expect to be forgiven.

Yes, I DO think the weight of this issue should be on one party.

And no, I don't personally whine and need babying when I have a cold (although I know plenty of men who are like that).

And, finally, yes, relationships are about being kind to one another. That, to me, includes getting a handle on yourself when you're gonna lose it on your spouse for things that aren't under his or her control.

I agree that this works both ways. If the man is suffering from, say, depression, then it's his responsibility to deal with it. If a man is bringing issues home from work that have no place at home, that's HIS problem, not hers. If a man is stressed out because he's the sole breadwinner in the family, then it's HIS responsibility to do whatever he can to mitigate the stress.

And if a woman gets bent out of shape because of her period, that's HER problem.

Why is this so difficult to understand?

On a related side note, I was chatting with my mum the other day when she was telling me about an article she had read regarding the way men and women communicate differently. Men communicate to exchange information. Women communicate to build relationships. Therefore, she said, that when men listen to women, they should understand that it's not about fixing things or information, it's about sharing their feelings.

I said to her that she's got it all backwards. If women know (and most do) that men communicate to exchange information, then it's up to the woman to make sure that she isn't playing games and expect the men to decode the message.

That's what communication is: It's AWAYS (and I do mean ALWAYS) up to the SENDER to make sure the RECEIVER gets the intended message regardless of the abilities or preconceptions of the receiver.

... but maybe that's a subject for another thread...

April 22, 2005

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my PMS'ing girlfriend is ruining our great relationship.

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