am i being selfish?

[why do i feel so selfish?]

this is a scenario from a typical day of feeling selfish: boyfriend asking me do take movies back and pickup something from store.

 

daughter asking me to babysit for her; future mother in law wanting me to run an errand; future grandmother in law wanting me to take her to the store to buy jeans, etc.

 

now these things really rarely come up but the thing is when they do i bulk at the idea.

 

i don't understand this aspect of myself, and needless to say it leaves me with so much guilt.

 

it's not like someone ask's me on a daily basics or even a bi-weekly basics, it's just that when they do ask, i don't want to, plain and simply, i don't want to.

 

yes, when i ask a favor of them, they are more then happy to oblige. so how can i even say no? yet if i do, i feel so consumed with guilt.

 

i have been plagued with this problem for ever it seems and i am in my late 30's.

 

i don't know why someone would hate so much to do someone a favor as i do. did something go wrong in my upbringing?

 

the reason this is coming out so much now, is cause my boyfriend is subtly pointing this out to me.

 

the other day he brought me lunch at work cause i did not have to make mine, i was totally appreciative.

 

today he wanted me to go to the store then he called again and wanted me to pick up his prescription for him and take it to the pharmacy.

 

of course i did not want to do either or, but i did anyway cause the guilty was killing me. i don't have problems saying "no", i have problems saying "yes".

 

most people i know, are more then willing to do a favor for someone, except me it seems. what does this mean about me? how do i break out of this selfish habit. i do feel good after i have done something for someone, like my boyfriend he was very thankful for what i did and that made me feel good.

 

the other strange thing about this is that at times, when someone makes a simple request of me, like my boyfriend and he may get mad at me cause i don't want to do, my first instinct is to leave him, can you believe that?

 

i think cause it makes me feel pressured. is that bad or what? help! if there is any!

[Tony T]

Having somebody ask you to do them a favor shouldn't make you feel pressured.

 

My feeling is you probably have a very anti-authoritarian personality and you don't like to asked or told what to do. If it's your idea it's fine but you don't like it to be other peoples'. Chances are good that this started when you were a child, resenting being ordered to do this, that or the other.

 

There are many people with antiauthoritarian personalities and they make terrible employees but excellent bosses. People with this type of personality usually go into law enforcement (so they can HAVE the authority), management or become self employed so they won't have a boss.

 

Don't feel bad about being the way you are. I really don't think it's selfishness because you seem to feel good when you do things for others. You just don't want to be cornered into it.

 

I think you can get over this very quickly if you reframe the entire situation. Instead of looking at it as if people are asking you for a favor, look at it as people are giving you an opportunity to feel good. Consider they are doing something for you that is of more value than what they are asking you to do for them. Do this over and over until you finally get it.

 

You are an adult now and you don't have to take orders from anybody. You don't have to have a boss at work if you don't want. You just never, ever have to say yes or OK to anybody. You are an adult and you are free.

 

Look at the opportunities people give you to serve them as opportunities for YOU to feel good and to be of service to others. If you don't want to feel good at that particular time, just say NO. You have no obligation whatsoever. YOU ARE ALWAYS THE BOSS.

 

If someone asks for a favor, you can always pass the joy on to another person who would feel very honored and excited to do the favor. So in saying NO, you will have actually done someone else a favor.

 

With this new attitude you will feel great all the time.

[why do i feel so selfish?]

wow! what a response! that make me feel so very good and relieved! it's funny the first memory that popped into my mind while reading this is that when i was young like preteens to early teens i would be told to do something and if i said i "no" of course i would be scolded or what ever, so i learned to say "i'll do it cause i WANT to, not cause i HAVE to!"

 

still i did it cause i new i had to, but this flash back was almost comical in context of your reply.

 

i think that this is an excellent idea! i will put it to use immediately! also, i do not like to work for anybody and that is why i am self employed.

 

i even tried a regular job recently and i hated it so much that i quit and made and effort to get back out on my own again and it is working so far as i have two interviews with two different companies that allow me the freedom to work independently and freely, which is what i need. i don't think i could ever go back to punching a time card unless my life depended on it.

 

now to just get over the quilt part of it! thank you again.

 

thank you again tony.

Having somebody ask you to do them a favor shouldn't make you feel pressured. My feeling is you probably have a very anti-authoritarian personality and you don't like to asked or told what to do. If it's your idea it's fine but you don't like it to be other peoples'. Chances are good that this started when you were a child, resenting being ordered to do this, that or the other. There are many people with antiauthoritarian personalities and they make terrible employees but excellent bosses. People with this type of personality usually go into law enforcement (so they can HAVE the authority), management or become self employed so they won't have a boss. Don't feel bad about being the way you are. I really don't think it's selfishness because you seem to feel good when you do things for others. You just don't want to be cornered into it. I think you can get over this very quickly if you reframe the entire situation. Instead of looking at it as if people are asking you for a favor, look at it as people are giving you an opportunity to feel good. Consider they are doing something for you that is of more value than what they are asking you to do for them. Do this over and over until you finally get it. You are an adult now and you don't have to take orders from anybody. You don't have to have a boss at work if you don't want. You just never, ever have to say yes or OK to anybody. You are an adult and you are free. Look at the opportunities people give you to serve them as opportunities for YOU to feel good and to be of service to others. If you don't want to feel good at that particular time, just say NO. You have no obligation whatsoever. YOU ARE ALWAYS THE BOSS. If someone asks for a favor, you can always pass the joy on to another person who would feel very honored and excited to do the favor. So in saying NO, you will have actually done someone else a favor. With this new attitude you will feel great all the time.