RoseVille Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Have any OW/OM or BS managed to move past an A with a coworker, using only limited/required contact to do their respective jobs? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) Nope. He speaks literally 10 words to me a day. Over the phone in a conference call, not face to face. Other people are listening, so it's not even like it's personalized conversation. I hate hearing his voice. I hate seeing his face in the parking lot. I hate the fact that he ignores me, even though I have no desire to speak to him. He still refuses to even acknowledge I exist. Every room in that building is a trigger. I have such fragile self-esteem issues that I can barely handle it at times. I come home twice a week in tears while my poor husband wonders what we can financially do to make it possible for me to quit my job. Edited May 5, 2015 by GoldieLox 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 No from me also Its like picking a scab, it's been over a year yet he is a constant reminder of the hurt. Weekends I feel I'm doing good moving on with my life but I feel in the week where we have business dealings I'm taking a giant step backwards. We have so much history it can't be rug swept. I'm working on an exit plan, it's not going to be an easy one giving up everything I've built and worked for. I have to wait until my kids are more independent but I do feel it's the only way to truly move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 There is a long-time poster who was a fWW who continued to work with her former xAP after d-day. I don't remember the details but even years after, due to her career choices, she remained in the same company I believe. Her user name is Anne1707, maybe search her threads for more insight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Dang, I'd hoped you guys would have some stories where everyone went on their merry way... Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) No. MM and I started a PA after working together for 8 years. He pursued me out of the blue one day after all those years of just being co-workers. After it started I told him it needed to stop and he agreed but wanted to make sure we could go back to how we were before the PA started. I felt I could because we always worked well together prior to everything. I started to attempt to fall back to our 'norm' before he started to pursue me. It was hard but I was doing it. He on the other hand lasted 3 weeks before he was trying to pull me back in. I had a convo with him about it and he just kept apologizing and saying he was "trying" and to be patient with him. It didn't last - I ended up falling back into the PA with him. I subsequently tried to end it a few more times after that, unsuccessfully. After a little over a year of an on/off PA, he took a job at another company. I figured it would be over and I decided to let it go in hopes his leaving would be the nail in the coffin. I told myself I would not reach out and I really figured (stupidly) that he would take this opportunity to completely end it because it made it easier for him. Within 3 weeks he was emailing me. I kept it to work email and it was mostly friendly/professional emails once/twice a week or every other week. This lasted 4 months and then he asked to take me to lunch to catch up and tell me about the new job. I went and stupidly got back into this thing with him. That was 3 years ago and this has been on/off in some form or another since. The dynamic just changed. Affairs are bad enough - add the workplace and it's horrible. Although I'm lucky I no longer work with MM, there still are triggers down every hall way. Co-workers asking me about him. It's just hard all around. And he now tries to recruit me for the new company he works for. Hell no. Edited May 5, 2015 by Blu72 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Dang, I'd hoped you guys would have some stories where everyone went on their merry way... If you were just using the MM solely for sex, it might be easy to go on your merry way.. Once feelings become involved, forget about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 If you were just using the MM solely for sex, it might be easy to go on your merry way.. Once feelings become involved, forget about it. I think that it was much more sex-based for MM, so for him it'll be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Both my parents and my sibling had workplace affairs. Two lost their jobs over it. The third had to leave. Giraffe has a current thread going on the infidelity forum where she still works with her AP. maybe check that out. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 FWIW when I had a brief EA many years ago I found a new job. There were other reasons for me to leave though and it wasn't such a wrench. He forced this issue by trying to take the relationship to a level I wasn't ready for and blew it sky high. If he hadn't done that...who knows. H's OW was his classroom assistant. They had to continue to work together for approx 4 weeks after dday but she was so scared of her H finding out she kept as distant from him as possible. It worked out OK but it was a relatively short time period. H and OW still work in the same school but have almost nothing to do with each other now. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I've seen posters on here who lost entire careers because of workplace affairs. It's usually the woman who pays, for some reason. Not always, but statistically, that's typically what happens. Emotionally, it's just very difficult. If your feelings were involved, it's just really freaking terrible to have to see someone 5 days a week that you were at one point in love with, and now you're trying to pretend like nothing happened. It's so easy to take things personally, to wonder if something meant more than it did. For me, I constantly fretted over where xMM was if he would disappear from the office, or why he was short with me, or why he hadn't spoken to me that day (again, we worked closely together, so it was very, very hard). I just know that in order for me to recover and truly get on with my life, and in my case recommit to my marriage, I had to leave. There was no question. Even if I was single, I would have needed to find a new job. It was an absolutely unhealthy situation for me. I struggled leaving because I was still confused and didn't think I wanted to lose the 'friendship' we still had, but in the end, that friendship was making me sick, mentally and even physically. It had to go. And it wasn't a real friendship at the end of the day. I just couldn't see it clearly at the time. We talked about how we were 'so glad' things could be normal, but they were far from it. Humpty Dumpty could not be put together again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 xMM's in-office schedule is pretty random (out in the field often), whereas mine is fairly standard M-F. Part of my anxiety comes from never knowing if he's going to be there or not. And he's always on his phone, all day, texting with his wife. Used to be that you could tell they were arguing, I could hear him grunting or slamming the phone down and whatnot. Now he's all calm and even smiling. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Since when has he been all calm and smiling while texting/ calling W? This is what always bothered me so much... xMM had it ALL, two women wanting him. I felt like it even improved his side of the marriage, you know, acting extra loving towards W etc Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Since when has he been all calm and smiling while texting/ calling W? This is what always bothered me so much... xMM had it ALL, two women wanting him. I felt like it even improved his side of the marriage, you know, acting extra loving towards W etc The last couple weeks, the end of the A. He seemed happy, or happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Also, if you would like to read a painful example of ending an A and continuing to work with him, seeing him, wondering what he is doing...read Scarlet2's thread. It's called "Death in the family" but turns into her analyzing each and every movement and action by MM during office hours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 The last couple weeks, the end of the A. He seemed happy, or happier. That makes me so angry!!! As if he is so happy about the end of the A (probably so). You know, my xMM is my neighbor and you should see him strutting around, big smile on his face , even singing loudly and all that crap. He always does this during NC, and later on I would ask him about this behavior and he would lie (of course) and say that it was all fake and that inside he was 'hurting too'. Of course I didn't believe that. Good thing about NC is that you KNOW that YOU are not making his life EVEN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Also, if you would like to read a painful example of ending an A and continuing to work with him, seeing him, wondering what he is doing...read Scarlet2's thread. It's called "Death in the family" but turns into her analyzing each and every movement and action by MM during office hours. I'll look. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe2014 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Getting another job is the only way. I am working my way out of a workplace affair at the moment, in the every early stages but have put a lot of barriers between us to keep each other from working directly for a while but I can’t get away completely. He is there at group meetings, in the canteen, in the elevator, the carpark. Hes there because we spend a lot of time in the same building 5 days a week. While I travel quite a bit there’s still no getting away until someone moves company and I know this is easier said than done. Many have told me my family life is more valuable than any job, why risk DH finding out but when the bills have to be paid that’s not really a solution for me. I was a mess for months and am still not out of the woods, just trying my hardest to stick to NC which is in play since the start of this month. Between vacation and travel we have several weeks apart which is great and messages outside of work stopped a long time ago (He makes the odd slip which I ignore, he doesn’t pursue and I have long stopped it) But its hard. No doubt about it, but if you are serious about sticking to your guns NC is the only way. No socialising. Strictly professional and never alone time of any sort. Good Luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 My H, fWS, demanded a transfer to another office after DDay. She was a co-worker. I did not request, nor demand this. i was intending to divorce him. he did this to show me how serious he was about reconciling. Plus, she kept contacting him, hoping they could still be friends after the affair. i said sure, as long as I could contact and then be friends with xBFs ( pre-marriage.) He went crazy. save your sanity. try to have NC at all. Don't even listen, notice, look, etc. It will just keep you hung up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Have any OW/OM or BS managed to move past an A with a coworker, using only limited/required contact to do their respective jobs? Too many threads over too long a time frame suggest, to me, that it is not truly possible. People do, of course, learn to function despite the past A, but it causes issues....triggers, emotional distress and generally "this sucks". It is likely to be healthier for one party to find a job elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 Nevermind. Link to post Share on other sites
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