LDR doesn't work out, don't think it's the be all end all, want to keep connected.

[AmbiguousWhore]

The tl;dr of things is that a combination between distance and a breakdown of communication led to other problems that made the relationship not work, but up until that point the relationship had been pretty good and i'm moving soon, which will close the distance.

 

Now the longish version. My gf of 5-6 months (apparently this is considered a fling) broke it off. I didn't cry or beg or get angry, we talked it out logically, it was the best breakup she's been through, she says, because there was no anger or guilt tripping etc. I still sometimes feel i should have been more forceful in holding things together.

 

Now what i think is the reason for this, based off of her reasons for the breakup. She said she was feeling disconnected, indifferent, and would honestly prefer to spend time on herself, friends, and other stuff than on me (even when she had time to call me she preferred time to herself). She felt she was no longer getting anything from the relationship. This came after 2 months of thought during a period where we didn't talk much because both her and i were busy with university. The few times we did talk she did seem more distant than usual and i should have noticed, met up with her etc. I made a mistake in not doing this.

 

The thing is, previous to this, she lost her best friend and only had me for real support, and i think she became reliant on me emotionally. After this period of strong emotion i think meeting new friends at uni and becoming so busy and losing contact moved that emotional support from me to her friends, and so i was no longer a priority. I think this transition from strong emotions and possible reliance, to no longer seeing or needing me as much due to having friends, led to the disconnect. I think that once I'm in the city i can move to start a new relationship.

 

But i want people's opinions on what im doing and what i should be doing.

 

I've started using tinder to meet new girls and become more comfortable with them, go to gym more, stuff like that. I am trying to improve myself in multiple areas. But i have some side reasons linking to my ex - i want to be more attractive to her, i want her to see that i can be independent, and i wouldn't mind a little jealousy even though i hate the idea of playing social games with her or anybody else.

 

But past self improvement i'm at a loss. I tried a variation of no contact (basically NC but i would eventually reply within a week to messages) but that ended a few days ago when we spent a few long hours talking (pity talk possibly? She was venting to me too about uni dramas). I'm going to start with my version of NC again i think. Is that good or bad to do?

 

I'm also unsure how i should approach her and when i should do it. Or if i should at all. The next two opportunities i have based on how busy i and her are, is mid year break, or when i move to the city where she lives. The first is within 2 months, the other 6 months. Should i try and meet up? Or let her dictate how things go by not doing anything and letting her make the advances? What other options are there that i am missing?

 

There are only two ways this is going to go - we will either be together or friends; i will do whatever it takes to stop us drifting apart. We get along well, similar interests and senses of humour, and i value that as much as i do any other friend. I can move on if she truly doesn't want to be together, but it would be a big loss to lose her completely from my life.

 

As a last note, i've gone through other threads suggesting that sometimes the ex might try to be friends to make themselves feel better. If anyone has any idea how to build a proper friendship from my situation, rather than being friends because my ex wants to not feel guilty, i would gladly accept any advice. While i would prefer to be with her, being friends is fine with me too - it would just take time to get used to.

 

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads all of this and responds.

[madjac74]

You sound stalkerish. Leave her alone

[justwhoiam]

The tl;dr of things

What?

And I'm refraining from commenting on your name.

 

"I still sometimes feel i should have been more forceful in holding things together."

You could have done anything, but she's not in love with you.

 

"losing contact moved that emotional support from me to her friends, and so i was no longer a priority."

Even if it were like you say, that doesn't seem a good reason to keep a relationship going. Because she was not in love with you. And one day, you'll experience the difference, and you'll be glad you didn't try to keep pieces together with someone who was not in love with you.

 

"I think that once I'm in the city i can move to start a new relationship."

Good. With someone else though.

 

"i want to be more attractive to her, i want her to see that i can be independent, and i wouldn't mind a little jealousy"

If that made you feel better, then fine. But don't do all that in the hope to get her back.

 

"I'm going to start with my version of NC again i think. Is that good or bad to do?"

Good, if you can be serious about it.

 

"I'm also unsure how i should approach her and when i should do it. Or if i should at all."

Don't approach her, don't break the NC. She dumped you. Leave her alone and move on.

 

"Should i try and meet up?"

No.

 

"What other options are there that i am missing?"

You are missing out on someone else you can fall for and who can fall for you. You are going to waste time and opportunities. But most of all missing out loving and being loved back the right way.

 

"we will either be together or friends"

Why? She's grown apart a while ago, you need to do the same. She's keeping you around because she has nothing to lose, but if she met the right man and he didn't like to have you around, she wouldn't think twice to cut you off. So have some dignity.

[AmbiguousWhore]

Why? She's grown apart a while ago, you need to do the same. She's keeping you around because she has nothing to lose, but if she met the right man and he didn't like to have you around, she wouldn't think twice to cut you off. So have some dignity.

 

 

We haven't grown apart. There was some artificial distance due to busyness. We are still around about as close as we used to be, just not in a romantic sense (although i am keeping up partial NC, not full because she gets pushy and assuming i'm ignoring her when im just prioritising myself and stuff im doing).

 

As for her throwing me out for a romantic interest, yeah no. I have no idea what ****ty friend experiences you've had but my ex isn't a toss. And even if she did turn out to be a toss i wouldn't regret time spent being her friend.

 

I posted this in another section first but reposted here cause i thought this was the correct section. People there said basically the same thing as you but as i clarified to them, thanks to the advices i've been given both online and offline i've given up on her romantically and will just see things play out as friends, but will keep prioritising myself over her.

 

As for my name, it's just an interesting username that i thoguht up a while back that i like haha, no meaning to it.