davidromero43 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think I know exactly how you feel. One day my wife and I were talking about exes and I found out when my wife and I were first dating, she had sex with someone else. I stalked his facebook page forever, and I still try so hard not to look at it. I am still very jealous. It wasn’t cheating, but I feel it voids everything we had special. All the memories that made me feel so good, suddenly became bad memories. You can’t go back in time and change anything. They will always be lost. It is kind of like finding out Santa isn’t real. Now there are so many new problems, that really are just branches from the pain of the knowledge. To everyone else, they think everything is good now, so just get over it. To just let it go. You really want to get over it. You do not want that past event to cause problems in the present. You really wish you didn’t find out Santa wasn’t real. Just know every time you dig it up from its grave, it’s going to stink for everyone around. Maybe the best thing to do is just mourn for the loss, leave it buried, and stop visiting the grave. You were the winner of his heart. You chose him, and he chose you. Don’t ruin a great relationship over something in the past. Don’t bring it up to him anymore. Don’t seek out more pain from more knowledge. Knowledge is very expensive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think I know exactly how you feel. One day my wife and I were talking about exes and I found out when my wife and I were first dating, she had sex with someone else. I stalked his facebook page forever, and I still try so hard not to look at it. I am still very jealous. It wasn’t cheating, but I feel it voids everything we had special. All the memories that made me feel so good, suddenly became bad memories. You can’t go back in time and change anything. They will always be lost. It is kind of like finding out Santa isn’t real. Now there are so many new problems, that really are just branches from the pain of the knowledge. To everyone else, they think everything is good now, so just get over it. To just let it go. You really want to get over it. You do not want that past event to cause problems in the present. You really wish you didn’t find out Santa wasn’t real. Just know every time you dig it up from its grave, it’s going to stink for everyone around. Maybe the best thing to do is just mourn for the loss, leave it buried, and stop visiting the grave. You were the winner of his heart. You chose him, and he chose you. Don’t ruin a great relationship over something in the past. Don’t bring it up to him anymore. Don’t seek out more pain from more knowledge. Knowledge is very expensive. Ohh finally someone who understands me! These few days what have i done? gone back to our old chat conversations,and looking for proofs there because at that time he was with her as well,i know this is BAD. He seemed way more into me than i was into him,asking me even to go with him on vacation(i said no because its too early)..i just do not understand. Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Ohh finally someone who understands me! These few days what have i done? gone back to our old chat conversations,and looking for proofs there because at that time he was with her as well,i know this is BAD. He seemed way more into me than i was into him,asking me even to go with him on vacation(i said no because its too early)..i just do not understand. I did that. I pieced together a timeline and everything. Now I regret wasting all that time looking through texts and chats. I didn't really need that info. She married me and not him. It was never a competition. I never found a smoking gun that would make me feel better. All it did was create more pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My best guess for your husband, she was a backup, a scrub, a tool, insurance that he would not get hurt. Yes, men are insecure and have feelings to protect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 It was never a competition. I never found a smoking gun that would make me feel better. All it did was create more pain. Ohh finally someone who understands me! If that's the case, do you hear what he's saying ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 don't ask him. ask around. But it is... the PAST. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 So i told him i want to contact her,he was against it says it is just weird and embarrassing ...does he have a right to be against ? what would you do? its embarrassing to me too ,but it bothers me he is against It's in the past. Just leave it there. He wasn't sleeping with you both, you weren't exclusive at they time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Um let it go. He's with you. You dug for it and now you want to punish him for it. You will make him miserable. I agree with Popsicle. Why bring up stuff that happened when you weren't married? He ended it as soon as he started dating you? Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Have you ever heard the saying: speaking it into existence? That's what you're doing. You're so hell bent on finding a problem with your husband, that one day he's no longer going to care what you say & that widely opens the door to affairs & cheating. He seems to be a good guy that can't catch a break from his wife. Let the man breath & stop bra-beating him on EVERYTHING. Especially when you're the one asking if it's ok to hang out with another guy. You need therapy desperately to save your marriage from yourself. No one (including spouses) wants to be around someone that just looks for misery & problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 i just do not understand. I do. You don't want to be with your husband and are looking for any excuse to end this relationship. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Don't contact the ex. 1 she is not your friend and could be vindictive just cause. 2 if have problems with her you will not sleep better letting her know how far under your skin she gets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 DO NOT contact his ex. You will just look like a crazy wife, who is jealous and insecure about something that happened how long ago? it might be upsetting to you, but he chose YOU. Obviously this woman didn't mean much. Let it go. You're only doing harm to your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 He chose you. And broke it off with her. You are giving his prior relationship way too much time and effort. Sounds like he is being honest with you. This should give you some compliment. Are you taking this as a compliment? you should, and be less upset about his past. So put on the big smile, because you know how much you mean to him and she did not. Have you told him thank you for letting you know that you are the lady he wants and wanted? I guess thats a way to see it Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 We had a "fight" about this again today. I told him why did he use her,maybe she wanted to get married and he used her time instead.He said she is not that kind of girl she is more into career.Then i said but she has a boyfriend now and he said so what ? how do you know its serious now? he asked that 2,3 times during our conversation...at the end i said ,does it bother you she has a boyfriend? and he became angry again.And now he wont reply to any of my messages or calls(he is at work) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 He probably can't talk to you because he's on the phone with his attorney! OMG give the guy a break! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 We had a "fight" about this again today. I told him why did he use her,maybe she wanted to get married and he used her time instead.He said she is not that kind of girl she is more into career.Then i said but she has a boyfriend now and he said so what ? how do you know its serious now? he asked that 2,3 times during our conversation...at the end i said ,does it bother you she has a boyfriend? and he became angry again.And now he wont reply to any of my messages or calls(he is at work) Ok I'm not going to gang up on you about the ex. I think you may have a valid reason to be upset about that. It depends on if your husband outright lied to you when you were first dating and told you he wasn't seeing anyone else when he was. That would be called deceit and of course nobody likes to learn that they have been deceived, even years after the fact. It's fine to casually date multiple people but it isn't okay to lie about it. However now it sounds like you are trying to fight with about this just for the sake of fighting. Like you've exhausted talking about your hurt and your anger and now your weirdly trying to fight with him on behalf of the ex? Telling him he used her? He dated her casually for a few months. Did you use every man you've ever dated? That's an offensive, insulting thing to say to him, and unless his ex has personally told you that she felt used by your husband, you have no basis for saying such a thing to him, other than to insult him. I don't blame him for not responding to your messages. You're just looking for a fight. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 We had a "fight" about this again today. I told him why did he use her,maybe she wanted to get married and he used her time instead.He said she is not that kind of girl she is more into career.Then i said but she has a boyfriend now and he said so what ? how do you know its serious now? he asked that 2,3 times during our conversation...at the end i said ,does it bother you she has a boyfriend? and he became angry again.And now he wont reply to any of my messages or calls(he is at work) Wow. You're doing a great job ruining your marriage and alienating your husband. Good job there kiddo! I'm not joking. You are you doing such a good job that it comes across as intentional and I am starting to believe it. But if you want to break up with your husband, then just do it. No need to engage in this charade - because honestly, the nit you're picking comes across as you just being crazy rather than him doing anything wrong. If you're not trying to end your marriage - stop. Stop it right now. You are so wrapped around the axel on this that you can't see what you're doing. You really should think about seeing a therapist. It can't hurt and at a bare minimum, it will give you some new words and context to try. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Wow. You're doing a great job ruining your marriage and alienating your husband. Good job there kiddo! ...If you're not trying to end your marriage - stop. Stop it right now. You are so wrapped around the axel on this that you can't see what you're doing. You really should think about seeing a therapist. It can't hurt and at a bare minimum, it will give you some new words and context to try. Agreed. OP You can vent at the therapist and work it all out in your head. Tell her/him about your father cheating, as I am sure that has a big part to play in this. Venting at your husband over something he cannot change, will lead to massive cracks in your marriage and if you don't stop, will cause him to flee, or will end up with you pulling the plug even if you don't mean to, there is no doubt about that. Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 We had a "fight" about this again today. I told him why did he use her,maybe she wanted to get married and he used her time instead.He said she is not that kind of girl she is more into career.Then i said but she has a boyfriend now and he said so what ? how do you know its serious now? he asked that 2,3 times during our conversation...at the end i said ,does it bother you she has a boyfriend? and he became angry again.And now he wont reply to any of my messages or calls(he is at work) You dug it up and it is stinking. You are angry at him and looking for flaws to prove you are the fool. Leave her alone, don’t bring in competition to stress about. He is not wanting anything to do with her. He has already made that decision. It was a long time ago for him. It feels new to you, because you just found out about the past. Talk to a therapist instead of him. I still have a problem with my situation and it has been well over a year. It is very tiny now to what it once was. During the first month my wife was so tired of talking about it. We have only talked about it once in the last 6 months. And she brought it up, angry that I originally had such a problem with it. But during the first month I was devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I wanted to follow her everywhere. I kept trying to piece everything together. I felt like such a fool. Everyone I talked with about it just told me it was in the past, it wasn’t cheating, and to just let it go. I researched the **** out of the other guy. I wanted to know everything about him. I couldn’t let it go. I kept his photo on my phone. I was crazy. I almost destroyed my marriage with it. But I have now let almost all of it go. I really want to let it all go. I want it to be something I have to really try hard to remember any details about. I think it is like a movie with a surprise ending. You go back and rewatch trying to find out what you missed. But there is no script in life. Life is much more complicated. So this creates like a mental butterfly effect. When you got the knowledge he was seeing someone else, back in the past while you were dating, this changed your mental present. The links of memory have changed. You now want to go back and relink all the memories with your new knowledge. And now the things you would have changed feel like lost opportunities. But they really are not. I know for me, I would have dated someone else to get even, and then still married the woman I loved. So the end result is the same. You married the man you loved. The man you loved married you. You have the desired end result. Stop talking to your husband about it. Talk to a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 You dug it up and it is stinking. You are angry at him and looking for flaws to prove you are the fool. Leave her alone, don’t bring in competition to stress about. He is not wanting anything to do with her. He has already made that decision. It was a long time ago for him. It feels new to you, because you just found out about the past. Talk to a therapist instead of him. I still have a problem with my situation and it has been well over a year. It is very tiny now to what it once was. During the first month my wife was so tired of talking about it. We have only talked about it once in the last 6 months. And she brought it up, angry that I originally had such a problem with it. But during the first month I was devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I wanted to follow her everywhere. I kept trying to piece everything together. I felt like such a fool. Everyone I talked with about it just told me it was in the past, it wasn’t cheating, and to just let it go. I researched the **** out of the other guy. I wanted to know everything about him. I couldn’t let it go. I kept his photo on my phone. I was crazy. I almost destroyed my marriage with it. But I have now let almost all of it go. I really want to let it all go. I want it to be something I have to really try hard to remember any details about. I think it is like a movie with a surprise ending. You go back and rewatch trying to find out what you missed. But there is no script in life. Life is much more complicated. So this creates like a mental butterfly effect. When you got the knowledge he was seeing someone else, back in the past while you were dating, this changed your mental present. The links of memory have changed. You now want to go back and relink all the memories with your new knowledge. And now the things you would have changed feel like lost opportunities. But they really are not. I know for me, I would have dated someone else to get even, and then still married the woman I loved. So the end result is the same. You married the man you loved. The man you loved married you. You have the desired end result. Stop talking to your husband about it. Talk to a therapist. You are right.Right now i am ok ,we have talked about it he told me he just asked because i told him she is a relationship and that she is not that all against serious relationships as he claims her to be..so that's why he asked how do you know that guy is serious.Not because he cares obviously(and i know from the way he talked that he did not care).I also asked him why he is against me contacting her and he said everyone will know and its embarrassing,so i understand that (not that i would contact her ) But my REAL problem is I keep finding in my head small details to be bothered about,i too wish i did not do this.At this point the only thing that makes me feel better is he says he was never serious with her,and i know he has tried to take me out on a date long time before he even met her...so i guess that's what "saves me" Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Agreed. OP You can vent at the therapist and work it all out in your head. Tell her/him about your father cheating, as I am sure that has a big part to play in this. Venting at your husband over something he cannot change, will lead to massive cracks in your marriage and if you don't stop, will cause him to flee, or will end up with you pulling the plug even if you don't mean to, there is no doubt about that. This is not much about cheating,he did not cheat on me there.What bothers me more is the fact that all the old memories are fake now(in my head) He says they never were and he always cared about me,if she ever was important he would not call me to his town where she could easy see us...oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Wow. You're doing a great job ruining your marriage and alienating your husband. Good job there kiddo! I'm not joking. You are you doing such a good job that it comes across as intentional and I am starting to believe it. But if you want to break up with your husband, then just do it. No need to engage in this charade - because honestly, the nit you're picking comes across as you just being crazy rather than him doing anything wrong. If you're not trying to end your marriage - stop. Stop it right now. You are so wrapped around the axel on this that you can't see what you're doing. You really should think about seeing a therapist. It can't hurt and at a bare minimum, it will give you some new words and context to try. I hope i can get the strength to leave this behind me and see it for what it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 This is not much about cheating,he did not cheat on me there.What bothers me more is the fact that all the old memories are fake now(in my head) He says they never were and he always cared about me,if she ever was important he would not call me to his town where she could easy see us...oh well. Yes, great memories for him, because he knew everything. Nothing changed for him. It only changed for you(in your head). Everything he wanted happened. He fell in love with you, he let her go, then he married you. He let her go, so you should let her go. He loves you, so you should love him. Those things have never changed. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Not me,we were not that serious yet,but we did kiss and go far jaysus, get off your high horse already. yeah he dated you and another woman. get over it. he is your husband now, unless you turn into a shrewish harpy and drive him away. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I hope i can get the strength to leave this behind me and see it for what it is. It's not about "strength". Just stop it. Stop entertaining thoughts. Stop asking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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