jamesjones Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Hello, My wife and I have been together for 13 years, since she was 20 and I was 21. We have two children together and have had a good marriage up until about 6-10 months ago. Our marriage had bumps like all relationships do, but this this situation has an entirely different "feel". About 1.5 years ago she took a job at the local restaurant/bar for extra money for us. It was to be 2-3 days per week max because we both wanted her around us to be a mother and wife for our young family. She is a good mom and the kids love her very much. About 6 months ago she began to spend increasingly more and more time at the restaurant with new friends. I am happy that she has friends and I enjoy alone time as I am an introvert, so some of this is a positive thing. At this point she is gone 6 days/nights a week. When she is home she is either exhausted or half asleep until 12 every day which makes for a not so pleasant environment. Typical week M-F: I wake up at 6, get the girls ready for school, take the oldest to school. Wake her at 8 when I go to work so she can watch the youngest before taking to daycare at 9. I am off and home at 5 and she works 5- ??? Weekend: I still get up at 6 for the girls and she sleeps in until 10 and then lays around until noon on saturday then goes to work at 5. Sunday is similar. She says that she does not feel wanted at home and knows that she has pulled away. I told her that she is loved and wanted but we cannot show her if she is not present. We have been over this a half of dozen times in the last few months. She said she wants to be all in and wants everything to work. We agreed that she needs to be present for us to work on a relationship.....or to even have one. She makes an attempt but other "work duties" amazingly pop up almost every day even when she is not working. She is making an attempt but it is very half ass. I am frustrated because we both know the problem and the solution but she seems to place the importance of that behind whatever work she is doing. Please note that her work is not a financial necessity for our family, this is by choice. I am tired of pushing her to want to spend time together. I can't want it for her. Here is my issue. I am happy with the rest of my life and my family. I do not want to see other women or be in another relationship. I am confused on how to proceed with things. My children deserve to see a healthy relationship, not a shell of one like what is currently transpiring, nor is it fair to me to continue to not be anywhere on the priority list. I need to focus on myself and my children. I need to take control of my own happiness and not have it dictated to me, even partially. Should I be working on this path with my wife or is this a fork in the road where I need to make a decision? Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think you know what's going on, just don't want to admit it. Do you want to find out the truth? If you do, have her watch or followed. Better yet, check her phone. Is infidelity a deal breaker for you? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 my situation was almost identical, if I were you, i would ask her to quit. Sadly, when my wife offered to quit, I told her I didn't want her to quit, but it would have saved the marriage maybe. The thing is she met someone at the restaurant and started texting at first about work stuff until it turned into an emotional affair. Its funny, because when she first started she had been told by an employee that restaurants break marriages, she was introduced to new frienews, wanted to go out drinking and stay out with them all night, and eventually developed an emotional affair, we split almost 10 months ago, and as far as I know shes still with the dude. we also had 13 yrs together, 3 kids, I would wake them up for school pick them up after, we would all wait for her to come home when she came late. she offered numerous times to quit, but I didn't want her to, in my mind, it was not her job, but the relationships she was developing because of her job, I wanted her to figure out how to keep the job but not those close relationships, but I don't think its possible, because if its not one thing its another, meaning even if she would've kept personal issues aside, the job would've still meant she would've have to keep contact with that individual. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Since you guys don't need the extra money tell her you want her to quit her job for the sake of the family. Tell her it isn't working the way it is and that is the only solution. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 This is all too normal. Your story and mine are a bit similar. I, like you, handle my daughter, taking her to school, getting up with her, etc. It happened with my STBXW as well. She got a new job, started wanting to hang out. Started texting someone about work, etc, and it moved into an affair. We separated for a bit and tried working it out. It went well for about 18 months and then the cycle started again. Now she filed for divorce and we are in limbo. I look back trying to find what went wrong, as I was also happy she was making friends. If I guess, the new found freedom made her question what she has been doing for the last 13 years and it could be the grass is greener syndrome. I wish you luck as I am still hoping my situation changes, but unless she comes clean and is willing to cut contact with the other person, you will need to stay strong for your kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Tell her that you want her to quit for the sake of the family and want her to find a day job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesjones Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I actually mentioned that she should quit her job, but it was sort of off the cuff out of frustration. She mentioned that she enjoys her job and would like to keep it. I did not push at the time because she worked there for quite a while with a "balance" before this happened. My gut tells me that it is not one person that she met but rather the cumulative effect of many people showering her with attention as well as a newly divorced friend who has certainly shaped who she is lately. I cannot compete with a bar full or people when it comes to attention for her.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Ugh... The dreaded divorced friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I actually mentioned that she should quit her job, but it was sort of off the cuff out of frustration. She mentioned that she enjoys her job and would like to keep it. I did not push at the time because she worked there for quite a while with a "balance" before this happened. My gut tells me that it is not one person that she met but rather the cumulative effect of many people showering her with attention as well as a newly divorced friend who has certainly shaped who she is lately. I cannot compete with a bar full or people when it comes to attention for her.... What do you mean you cannot compete with these people? You and your children should be her first priority. Demand it for the health of your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesjones Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Toby, No Infidelity is not necessarily a deal breaker for me alone. LifeNomad, What was the tipping point of your situation? How are you and your family doing now? Stillafool, I agree Esram, What do you recommend I do? Popsicle, Agreed Esram, Yes, the divorced friend. My wife's situation has somewhat paralleled their friendship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesjones Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 What do you mean you cannot compete with these people? You and your children should be her first priority. Demand it for the health of your family. I agree stillafool. What I meant was that I cannot replicate that feeling. I do agree the feeling that she gets from myself and her children should be far superior to that. I can even understand her enjoying that feeling. I cannot accept her placing that feeling above everything else, but I would be willing to work with her to resolve whatever issue is present. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Lots of us have been there. Tough situation. One thing I am sure of is that her spending 6 days a week out is not going to make your relationship and family life better for either of you. If you and her continue down this path it will only accelerate your downfall. The problem is that she will see you as 'controlling' if you insist that she stop. It would be better if it was her idea. Tell her you believe the current situation is creating distance between you and putting lots of pressure on the family. Tell her you love her and believe you both are on the wrong path and it is hurting your kids. You hope she sees her way through to quit and get a job more conducive to her family. Give her time to decide for herself. If she doesn't then ask her if she is consciously putting things before her family. Her response will tell you volumes and dictate your next course. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 JJ, Welcome to LS. It's unfortunate that you are in this situation, but I, like many of the other posters here, have been there. In fact, like the others above, your situation and mine are very similar. My wife did not get a new job, but did make new friends and started spending more time on her phone or withdrawing from our family and activities we used to enjoy. It's a common story, sadly, especially for people mid-30s to mid-40s, from what I read on here. I could feel my wife withdrawing over a period of three to six months but soon felt powerless to do anything about it because each time I did it caused her to deny there was a problem, then withdraw even more. It became an impossible situation in which my choices were to attempt to address the situation directly with her and thereby make it worse, or accept the status quo and let the relationship slowly die. Having been there, I would be a bit cautious about asking your wife to just quit her job. That kind of thing could come across as an ultimatum that would not achieve what you want. She could respond with resentment, or flat out refuse, or think that you are trying to control her life. All of those would be the opposite of the outcome you want. So I'd hold off on that request if it were me. Just my $0.02. My advice to you is to push for marriage counseling where you can then address these issues in a safe environment. That way, you can have a dialogue with your wife about everything, including her job, and how marginalized you feel you and the family have become in her life, etc. I think MC could do wonders for this situation. KTB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I actually mentioned that she should quit her job, but it was sort of off the cuff out of frustration. She mentioned that she enjoys her job and would like to keep it. I did not push at the time because she worked there for quite a while with a "balance" before this happened. My gut tells me that it is not one person that she met but rather the cumulative effect of many people showering her with attention as well as a newly divorced friend who has certainly shaped who she is lately. I cannot compete with a bar full or people when it comes to attention for her.... Watch that newly divorced friend. That is precisely the person that will take down your marriage. DO NOT underestimate her power to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Watch that newly divorced friend. That is precisely the person that will take down your marriage. DO NOT underestimate her power to do so. Exactly. The divorced friend will take everything she says and twist it to make you look like a bad guy and how can you stay with him. This friend may have went through a bad divorce and you also know that misery loves company. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesjones Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 So, how can I help make this situation work? Im really searching for answers to a problem, not a reason to end the marriage. I dont feel that we are at a point of no return yet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 So, how can I help make this situation work? Im really searching for answers to a problem, not a reason to end the marriage. I dont feel that we are at a point of no return yet Hey I am not one to tell you to end it. There are some here that will. I am still trying to save my marriage even with all of the hurt that has happened and most or almost all have told me to run for the nearest exit with my daughter. Im in a much worse spot than you. KB gave some great advice. Any attempt from you to make her quit, will make you look like you are trying to hold her down and control her. She will dig her heels in deeper, just like my wife. You are not at the point of no return yet. Just tread lightly. Bring up counseling like KB said. Beware you may get the "I dont need to talk to anyone" or the "you will twist this to make me look like the bad guy". Be also careful with how much you snoop, if you do. It will only add additional stress to the situation, but ask the hard questions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) James, me and her split after 13 years, I see my kids 3 times a week, they stay with me on weekends, I don't feel like a dad anymore. the tipping point was when I found out some messages on her phone that she thought she had deleted where she was texting her boss about their feelings towards each other. Yes, the restaurant did that to mine, shes 30 something and shes feeling like an 18 yr old because all her new friends are young, drink and party. on top of that they have customers going in spending a lot of money offering to take her out and making it seem like they going to give her the world. Its a restaurant type bar too. the manager started assigning her duties that would directly have them working together side by side, basically he became her escape, he would tell her about how bad his life is, and she would do the same. I of course realize I wasn't perfect, I made many mistakes, never cheated on her or beat her, was always there, but still, was an alcoholic unfortunately. What you need to do right now is reassess what you are doing, make a change now, not tmorrow or a week or a year, you better yourself off, exercise and eat better, get healthier, be active, that is your personal goal now, and talk to her, she what she wants, she will need to quit unfortunately to make things work, even if she doesn't, she will lose the trust you have for her. its a toxic place unfortunately. Mine didn't want to quit, it took her months, and when she finally offered to quit, I didn't want her to, I didndt want her to lose her job, her friends, and I would've felt like she would have had resentment for asking her to quit, so I told her not to, but It probably would have saved our marriage. Now, 10 months I can reflect back, and although I still feel down sometimes, for the most part I am happy, I have a gf now, my kids met her, I guess after the fog cleared I am happy now, and I hope she is happy too, she deserves to be happy. I wish nothing but the best for her, but we are not together anymore, and likely wont get back together. Sometimes people fall out of love unfortunately, embrace the change, things happen for a reason they say. Honestly, a bar is good for a young student or person who wants to make fast cash. its not so good for a married woman. she basically has to be flirty with the men that she is serving to make good tips, and they will flirt back. and ps, I browsed this forum and others when all that was happening, and everyones advice was for her to quit, I thought it was far fetched, too extreme, but It probably would have saved our marriage, at least for some time longer. If she stopped loving me, it was just a matter of time before she would've left anyways so it would have happened regardless. Edited May 5, 2015 by LifeNomad Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Yes, the restaurant did that to mine, shes 30 something and shes feeling like an 18 yr old because all her new friends are young, drink and party. on top of that they have customers going in spending a lot of money offering to take her out and making it seem like they going to give her the world. Its a restaurant type bar too. I've been in the restaurant/bar biz for decades. Along with law enforcement, it seems to be the field that takes the greatest toll on relationships. Partly the hours, partly the atmosphere and certainly the cliquish feeling (also in common with police work) that no one else "gets it". I went to a 10th year event for a chain I worked for and, counting heads amongst the attendees, only 2 out of 12 managers were still married to same person they were with a decade previously. Not good odds. jamesjones, have you discussed MC with her? You need to understand what your wife gets from her current employment that perhaps she felt was missing before and you'll need to figure out how to provide that mutually. Lots of work to be done and she'll need to buy in to the process. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I've been in the restaurant/bar biz for decades. Along with law enforcement, it seems to be the field that takes the greatest toll on relationships. Partly the hours, partly the atmosphere and certainly the cliquish feeling (also in common with police work) that no one else "gets it". I went to a 10th year event for a chain I worked for and, counting heads amongst the attendees, only 2 out of 12 managers were still married to same person they were with a decade previously. Not good odds. jamesjones, have you discussed MC with her? You need to understand what your wife gets from her current employment that perhaps she felt was missing before and you'll need to figure out how to provide that mutually. Lots of work to be done and she'll need to buy in to the process. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky uggh those are bad odds lol. I thought call centers were bad, based on experience call centers will have people cheating on each other but its just physical, since they get moved around shifts and teams or groups its pretty much hit and go, but restaurants seem to develop those close knit emotional bonds between married people Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I've been in the restaurant/bar biz for decades. Along with law enforcement, it seems to be the field that takes the greatest toll on relationships. Partly the hours, partly the atmosphere and certainly the cliquish feeling (also in common with police work) that no one else "gets it". I went to a 10th year event for a chain I worked for and, counting heads amongst the attendees, only 2 out of 12 managers were still married to same person they were with a decade previously. Not good odds. jamesjones, have you discussed MC with her? You need to understand what your wife gets from her current employment that perhaps she felt was missing before and you'll need to figure out how to provide that mutually. Lots of work to be done and she'll need to buy in to the process. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky I think all EMS fits that bill. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 but restaurants seem to develop those close knit emotional bonds between married people Part of it is just the crazy stuff you see and experience. My non-inclusive list includes - - various couples having sex in booths - man shooting his wife in front of me - I was assaulted by a 70-yr old Grandma - on Mother's Day - propositioned by girls young enough to be my daughter - infant left in car in parking lot - while Mom drank Sometimes it's tough to go home and engage in a normal life. Drugs, alcohol and sex are often integral to the scene. In short, the bar/nightclub end of that business isn't conducive to either the lifestyle or mindset one needs to succeed with a spouse and children. They become hindrances rather than focuses in your day-to-day existence and your wife's current actions bear this out. My take from seeing all this up close? She'll have to quit her job if you're going to save your marriage. And her answer to that demand will probably tell you a lot. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think a holiday would be a good idea. Get her away from the restaurant and work altogher for a week or two, take the kids and have a really fun family holiday, remind her why your family is so special and how much you enjoy each others company. Then make plans with her and the kids to extend the family fun when you all go home, make a pact to spend regular (non-negotiable) time together every week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Her job is a cancer to your M. She needs to choose what's more important, her job, or her M and family. Be a man and stand up for your family. If she stays in her job I promise you it will not end well for you and your family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Your story sounds similar to mine in my M but it was my H that behaved similarly to your W. He just seemed to "opt out" of engaging with me or family life. It was a very confusing time for me over 6-9 months. H got a 2nd job that I wasn't consulted about. I supported him in this anyway. He had been a very disgruntled partner for a while. I tried all sorts of things but in hindsight I could see him pulling away on many levels. Then "it" all miraculously did a 360 and I was SO happy for about a month. I found out "it" was another woman. He'd had an A, had ended it the month before, when he became all "happy" with us. His OW forced him to tell me. My D Day was December 15. James you know somethings going on. From experience if your gut is telling you something then follow it. No one's necessarily gonna know how they'll react to their spouse's A. I've been a wreck more or less since. I made WH leave a few days ago. IMO you may just spend any $$$ your W earnt in MC or D if you don't find out what's going on. That's all I can add. Best wishes. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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