Wife cheating on husband. He does not know. To say or not to say?

[autumnnight]

Are you willing to make an investment beyond outing her?

[I4givehim]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

Go up to her and tell her you have seen her cheating on her H and if she doesn't tell you will...... my inlaws knew my H was cheating on me and never said anything and I hate them for it. He needs to know. She is making a fool out of him. She needs to be stopped. Good luck

[Wondering33]

Nope. She did not cheat on her H with my bf if that is what you are suggesting. And nope he did not ever find her attractive because she is not particularly attractive, just very aggressive.

I just think her H should know. True, I do dislike her selfish personality and think she should pay for what she is doing to everyone involved without regard whom she hurts in the process. If allowed this will continue happening for decades to come... with nothing to backfire. Not fair to the people she will come across. Not fair to her H. Only she enjoys in the process. She who deceives and lies and cheats... She recently let her cat die because she was too selfish to take it to the vet and get its meds right. She forgave herself so easily because she did not have money for the cat (she had money to go out and drink though)...

Who's next? Kids might enter the picture soon...i.e., more victims of her cheating.

 

 

 

As to it is not anyone's business... it is not my business when I see someone drop their wallet, or when someone's child is getting molested but I would interfere into both situations. Turning the blind eye is making you an accomplice in anything you see.

 

This woman may very well be vile & a bad wife (I don't know her situation & really neither do you) but you don't become some kind of hero for telling him & you're not doing it for his well being, which is obvious by the way you're speaking. Not liking what she does is not a good enough reason, actually it sounds very immature. I'd have to ask why you care what this woman is doing for " decades" to come? She evidently brings out some kind of insecurity in you to be so concerned about what she'll be up to years from now.

 

You wouldn't have posted this question if you really felt right about your intentions. So I say tell him, if there's backlash you should learn a lesson, which is never a bad thing. Also remember you're not married yet, one day it could be someone getting into your marriage...& please don't give the every single person statement "when I get married, this or that will never happen or I'll never put up with that" you have no idea until you're actually there.

[BetrayedH]

This woman may very well be vile & a bad wife (I don't know her situation & really neither do you) but you don't become some kind of hero for telling him & you're not doing it for his well being, which is obvious by the way you're speaking. Not liking what she does is not a good enough reason, actually it sounds very immature. I'd have to ask why you care what this woman is doing for " decades" to come? She evidently brings out some kind of insecurity in you to be so concerned about what she'll be up to years from now.

 

You wouldn't have posted this question if you really felt right about your intentions. So I say tell him, if there's backlash you should learn a lesson, which is never a bad thing. Also remember you're not married yet, one day it could be someone getting into your marriage...& please don't give the every single person statement "when I get married, this or that will never happen or I'll never put up with that" you have no idea until you're actually there.

 

I get the sense that she IS doing this for his well-being, which is why she cares. She's expressed empathy for him numerous times. She's not just worried about self-preservation but also interested in helping others. She's a decent human being.

 

I also think your comment about her being insecure is just a personal jab. Nothing in her posts speaks to insecurities. In fact, she seems quite confident and self-assured.

 

And if this wayward wife didn't want people up in her marriage, perhaps she shouldn't be bringing a third party into the marriage. It's especially stupid of her to be so public about the betrayal of her husband. I suspect she gets off on it. Well, here's the natural consequence of such disrespectful behavior: some good person like the OP intervenes on the betrayed partner's behalf because they aren't willing to just sit and watch while the woman ruins his life. The WW has brought this on herself.

[jen1447]

People always assume they know more about something than they do tho. Being as it's so incomprehensible that the H in this case is so clueless, I suspect he's actually not clueless. Maybe they have an 'understanding,' or maybe he's a cuckold. If that were the case, OP could be typed as a meddler by getting involved, and possibly nothing more than that would come of it - except that if word got around, others might be sure to be extra careful around her for fear of her involving herself.

[BetrayedH]

People always assume they know more about something than they do tho. Being as it's so incomprehensible that the H in this case is so clueless, I suspect he's actually not clueless. Maybe they have an 'understanding,' or maybe he's a cuckold. If that were the case, OP could be typed as a meddler by getting involved, and possibly nothing more than that would come of it - except that if word got around, others might be sure to be extra careful around her for fear of her involving herself.

 

I hear you. I just don't think that's a big risk on her part. There's not much lost there. My point being...if the potential disadvantage is that she's labeled a "meddler," I think that's far outweighed by the potential advantage of saving this guy from having children with her.

 

I'm sure people thought I must have known about my wife's affair. I didn't. I trusted her; it's that simple. That's marriage for you. But I came to find out that people all over their workplace knew (and I worked for the same company - just a different division). It may be just my perspective but it seems more of a stretch to me that he's a knowing cuckold and more likely that he's just unsuspecting. To believe otherwise also requires that the OP is wrong about what she's told us about him simply being duped. I don't have a reason to disbelieve the OP; she knows more about both of them than all of us combined. But I respect your inference that she "could" be wrong.

 

But if she tells him and he knows already, no big deal. I think it'd be fairly easily explained that she was well-intentioned. If I lost a few friends over something that well-intentioned, I suspect they weren't that good of friends anyway.

 

I applaud the OP's reluctance to just wash her hands of it. That's the easy thing to do. She's choosing to unselfishly take the harder, potentially more risky path, for the sake of someone else. Good for her.

[BetrayedH]

I'd also add, I do hope the OP comes back here and gives us the results, assuming that she chooses to disclose. It may only be anecdotal, but I can't help but be curious about which side ends up being right here.

[redtail]

Sometimes, in these cases, I look at what would happen if the situation turned out bad because the husband was not told.

 

So he finds out eventually, is completely devastated as most betrayed spouses are, and learns that one of his "friends" knew all along but kept it from him.

[jen1447]

The boasting about it to everybody thing is what tips the scales for me tho. It's hard enough to keep secrets, almost impossible to keep secrets that aren't actually secrets.

 

Anyway yeah, it'll be (would be) interesting to see how it pans out.

[Wondering33]

I get the sense that she IS doing this for his well-being, which is why she cares. She's expressed empathy for him numerous times. She's not just worried about self-preservation but also interested in helping others. She's a decent human being.

 

I also think your comment about her being insecure is just a personal jab. Nothing in her posts speaks to insecurities. In fact, she seems quite confident and self-assured.

 

And if this wayward wife didn't want people up in her marriage, perhaps she shouldn't be bringing a third party into the marriage. It's especially stupid of her to be so public about the betrayal of her husband. I suspect she gets off on it. Well, here's the natural consequence of such disrespectful behavior: some good person like the OP intervenes on the betrayed partner's behalf because they aren't willing to just sit and watch while the woman ruins his life. The WW has brought this on herself.

 

I said she may be a vile woman or she may have had some kind of trama in her life that's she dealing with wrong, one doesn't know unless you really know someone. The insecure remark was not a jab, women tend to hate other women that bring some kind of insecurity out in them, also someone that is confident about something doesn't post a question in a forum. She may be disgusted with her which is fine but to be thinking (which she stated) about a woman's life into the future goes deeper than, I don't like her behavior. All I've read is comparisons to consumer shopping & saving a child from being molested, which sounds more like a person acting as a crusader instead of a "real" caring friend. If I was to tell a person this, I'd be crushed for them. I'd be prepared to be there (really) be there for them & id be calling after to see if they're ok. Not saying maybe I can do it anonymously & now I feel better bc he knows. Telling a person shouldn't make you feel good or righteous, it should make you feel terrible knowing that this person's world you're going to tell is going to fall apart.

[jen1447]

I said she may be a vile woman or she may have had some kind of trama in her life that's she dealing with wrong, one doesn't know unless you really know someone. The insecure remark was not a jab, women tend to hate other women that bring some kind of insecurity out in them, also someone that is confident about something doesn't post a question in a forum. She may be disgusted with her which is fine but to be thinking (which she stated) about a woman's life into the future goes deeper than, I don't like her behavior. All I've read is comparisons to consumer shopping & saving a child from being molested, which sounds more like a person acting as a crusader instead of a "real" caring friend. If I was to tell a person this, I'd be crushed for them. I'd be prepared to be there (really) be there for them & id be calling after to see if they're ok. Not saying maybe I can do it anonymously & now I feel better bc he knows. Telling a person shouldn't make you feel good or righteous, it should make you feel terrible knowing that this person's world you're going to tell is going to fall apart.

 

Which is a good reason to only presume to do it for friends - the sort of people you can offer that support to.

[BetrayedH]

I said she may be a vile woman or she may have had some kind of trama in her life that's she dealing with wrong, one doesn't know unless you really know someone. The insecure remark was not a jab, women tend to hate other women that bring some kind of insecurity out in them, also someone that is confident about something doesn't post a question in a forum. She may be disgusted with her which is fine but to be thinking (which she stated) about a woman's life into the future goes deeper than, I don't like her behavior. All I've read is comparisons to consumer shopping & saving a child from being molested, which sounds more like a person acting as a crusader instead of a "real" caring friend. If I was to tell a person this, I'd be crushed for them. I'd be prepared to be there (really) be there for them & id be calling after to see if they're ok. Not saying maybe I can do it anonymously & now I feel better bc he knows. Telling a person shouldn't make you feel good or righteous, it should make you feel terrible knowing that this person's world you're going to tell is going to fall apart.

 

I really have no interest in the wayward wife's issues. Whether she's vile or suffering thru a trauma, the betrayed husband deserves to make informed decisions about his own life. There's no valid reason to keep your partner in life loyal to your marital agreement while you go out and play single.

 

As for the OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to seek the objective opinions of others when making a difficult and impactful decision. That doesn't speak to insecurity but wisdom. As for her motivations, she can be a crusader for all I care. Good for her. That strikes the same chord as calling her a "meddler" or saying it's none of her business. It's an empty argument. I suspect the OP will be proud if her meddling rights a wrong. And again, I don't care about her motivation being pure. I think the BH is the paramount concern.

 

For what it's worth, I agree that doing it face to face and being available to answer questions and provide support is optimal. But the critical thing here is not that she solve all this guy's problems; it's that he doesn't keep getting played for a fool indefinitely. That's merciful. What he does with the information is up to him.

[Wondering33]

I really have no interest in the wayward wife's issues. Whether she's vile or suffering thru a trauma, the betrayed husband deserves to make informed decisions about his own life. There's no valid reason to keep your partner in life loyal to your marital agreement while you go out and play single.

 

As for the OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable to seek the objective opinions of others when making a difficult and impactful decision. That doesn't speak to insecurity but wisdom. As for her motivations, she can be a crusader for all I care. Good for her. That strikes the same chord as calling her a "meddler" or saying it's none of her business. It's an empty argument. I suspect the OP will be proud if her meddling rights a wrong. And again, I don't care about her motivation being pure. I think the BH is the paramount concern.

 

For what it's worth, I agree that doing it face to face and being available to answer questions and provide support is optimal. But the critical thing here is not that she solve all this guy's problems; it's that he doesn't keep getting played for a fool indefinitely. That's merciful. What he does with the information is up to him.

 

"You" don't care about motivation being pure, that's you. There's a ton of others that would disagree. You were happy to find out about you WW, others were not. You can't go basing every situation on what you just think, IMO that's a very immature & closed minded way of thinking. If one was right about everything, they'd live a perfect life, has your life been perfect? I like to see a problem from every angle & every possible way it can go wrong or right & I realize I don't know everything. Could the man be happy she tells him, sure I never said he wouldn't be. I've simply given a different perspective. Saying, help change someone's life without them asking you too & who cares if they hate you after, you lose nothing, is just plain cold, tactless & unempathtic. I'm happy my experiences haven't made me that way. Misery enjoys company & since I'm not miserable in my life it hurts me to see others that way( because I once was & understand how awful it is) .I'd feel a need to be there for a person I just told life changing information to...but that's just me.

 

There isn't a right or wrong in a situation like this. It's more weighing out the pros & cons.

 

 

BTW- confidence means feeling certain. if one is certain on something, why care what a bunch of strangers think?

[autumnnight]

It sounds like the OP knows these people well enough that it wouldn't just be a "hit and run." If they are friends with the BH, then they could stick around and offer support. What I don't respect is some agenda driven anonymous "gotcha" where the poor BS is left with anonymous devastating info and no one to turn to. That isn't helpful; it's just cowardly arrogance.

[BetrayedH]

I don't care about her motivations because I don't see why her motive is relevant. She's asking about telling for the benefit of this betrayed husband, not about whether it's a healthy motive for her to have. In this case, I'd think the impact to the BH would be relevant. Perhaps you can share why you think her motives are so important. The result is the same whether she's doing it out of spite or her good nature and I doubt she cares about your (or my) opinion about whether it's personally healthy for her. She's not asking for opinions about her mental health.

 

And while I wasn't "happy" to find out about my wayward wife, the end result is that it was better to know than to go a lifetime being deceived, put at risk for STDs, and wasting my life on someone that would betray me.

 

And while a few betrayed spouses (and this is remarkably rare, by the way) might prefer not to know about a secret affair that has ended with the wayward returned to a full commitment to the marriage, that's not what we're dealing with here. This woman's affairs are ongoing. I defy you to find me ONE betrayed husband that would prefer not to know about affairs that are actively ongoing.

[goodyblue]

I would not tell unless a close family member or best friend. Because Betty Broderick.

Edited May 8, 2015 by goodyblue

[BetrayedH]

I would not tell unless a close family member or best friend. Because Betty Broderick.

 

I respect that you gave a legitimate reason not to tell for the OP to consider. I do think with Betty that there was far more than infidelity that drove her mad. She also lost her children, twice. Messy, highly publicized and controversial divorce. And she'd basically spent her life putting the man thru school. It wasn't just that she found out.

 

Still, someone died. It's a compelling thing to consider. For me, that's why the only thing that gives me pause is any empirical data regarding violence. Even then, I would look for a safe route to exposure.

[Wondering33]

I don't care about her motivations because I don't see why her motive is relevant. She's asking about telling for the benefit of this betrayed husband, not about whether it's a healthy motive for her to have. In this case, I'd think the impact to the BH would be relevant. Perhaps you can share why you think her motives are so important. The result is the same whether she's doing it out of spite or her good nature and I doubt she cares about your (or my) opinion about whether it's personally healthy for her. She's not asking for opinions about her mental health.

 

And while I wasn't "happy" to find out about my wayward wife, the end result is that it was better to know than to go a lifetime being deceived, put at risk for STDs, and wasting my life on someone that would betray me.

 

And while a few betrayed spouses (and this is remarkably rare, by the way) might prefer not to know about a secret affair that has ended with the wayward returned to a full commitment to the marriage, that's not what we're dealing with here. This woman's affairs are ongoing. I defy you to find me ONE betrayed husband that would prefer not to know about affairs that are actively ongoing.

 

 

My mother's cousin had an A on her husband & someone thought it was his right to know. After he was told he proceeded to go to her parents house, take her teenage brother hostage at gun point, had him tell where she was. He the. Walked ino the local bank & shot her 5 times, thank his she survived! He got life in prison. He had never as so much hit her. I was a kid when this happened. The friend that told showed up to the hospital to see her & my family told him to get the f#%^ out. Now, how would you think of you were me? Do you think that guy feels righteous for doing the right thing? No one knows how someone is going to react & no good dead goes unpunished in certain situations.

[redtail]

He the. Walked ino the local bank & shot her 5 times...

 

While anecdotal as evidence, there is anecdotal evidence to the contrary as well, where the telling of an affair started a positive chain of events. It's understood that many things we do in life can back fire.

 

One thing I've noticed though, is one thing rarely will set someone off in a homicidal rage. While to outsiders the person may have seemed "normal", most likely the rage was brewing and waiting for the right time. It's really hard for me to blame the messenger in the case you described.

[Wondering33]

While anecdotal as evidence, there is anecdotal evidence to the contrary as well, where the telling of an affair started a positive chain of events. It's understood that many things we do in life can back fire.

 

One thing I've noticed though, is one thing rarely will set someone off in a homicidal rage. While to outsiders the person may have seemed "normal", most likely the rage was brewing and waiting for the right time. It's really hard for me to blame the messenger in the case you described.

 

Didn't blame the messenger, my point NO ONE has any idea where someone's head is at & this man watched his friend go to prison & friends wife lay in the hospital. Anyone can say it would have happened anyway, but no one knows that for sure. he had told my family he'll never fell good about it, but why not? He did the "right" thing.

[goodyblue]

I respect that you gave a legitimate reason not to tell for the OP to consider. I do think with Betty that there was far more than infidelity that drove her mad. She also lost her children, twice. Messy, highly publicized and controversial divorce. And she'd basically spent her life putting the man thru school. It wasn't just that she found out.

 

Still, someone died. It's a compelling thing to consider. For me, that's why the only thing that gives me pause is any empirical data regarding violence. Even then, I would look for a safe route to exposure.

 

I have to say, while i don't know ALL the data on the Brodericks, i think she was driven to it.

 

But... even so, you never know when you will get tHe crazy one. It's a crap shoot.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For every Betty Broderick story there is one where the WS or the AP kills/tries to kill the BS. Every gender combination that you can make.

 

So, if that is the argument that one wants to make their stand on....the odds of the BH being offed is the same odds.

[goodyblue]

For every Betty Broderick story there is one where the WS or the AP kills/tries to kill the BS. Every gender combination that you can make.

 

So, if that is the argument that one wants to make their stand on....the odds of the BH being offed is the same odds.

 

I totally agree. People can get crazy. That is why i mind my own business.

[BetrayedH]

My mother's cousin had an A on her husband & someone thought it was his right to know. After he was told he proceeded to go to her parents house, take her teenage brother hostage at gun point, had him tell where she was. He the. Walked ino the local bank & shot her 5 times, thank his she survived! He got life in prison. He had never as so much hit her. I was a kid when this happened. The friend that told showed up to the hospital to see her & my family told him to get the f#%^ out. Now, how would you think of you were me? Do you think that guy feels righteous for doing the right thing? No one knows how someone is going to react & no good dead goes unpunished in certain situations.

 

I would argue that there are far, far more situations like my own where the BS was informed and no serious drama ensued. The situation that you listed above is outlier and if anyone is to be concerned about this risk, perhaps it should be the cheater.

[calvincline47]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

 

Send him an anonymous note with a lot of details. Do not let it be known that you are the one that told him. That can cause you all kinds of problems.

 

It's your moral and ethical obligation to report a cheater.