Wife cheating on husband. He does not know. To say or not to say?

[darkmoon]

interfere at your peril

 

he might be fooling around too

 

unless you have real proof, photos emails calls, she will deny it, might get spiteful at you

 

sorry, but you come off as a bit of a busybody, as for anonymously getting involved, here you come off as somebody desperate to fill your life, secretly creeping around on the edges of other ppls' lives in order to please yourself

 

stay out of it

[road]

Tell the BH.

[MrNate 2.0]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

 

Tell him. Even if it is as an anonymous warning, it's better than nothing.

 

Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.

 

Someone gets attacked, and people just watch.

 

A woman gets raped while people hear the screams, no one does anything.

 

We're so quick to pull out our phones and record, or just watch, or ignore because it 's "none of our business".

 

Maybe it 's time we start looking after our neighbors just a little bit more, especially in situations like these and make it just a little bit of our business.

 

Tell him.

 

Be one of the few people in this world and actually stand for something.

 

Lord knows we need more of these.

[ltjg45]

I would tell him.

 

Life is too short to tolerate cheating and disloyalty especially if kids is about to get involved.

 

If my girlfriend or wife was doing this, I certainly do want to know so I can fix the problem ASAP. I certainly won't look down on anyone brave enough to let me know about this.

[goodyblue]

Tell him. Even if it is as an anonymous warning, it's better than nothing.

 

Evil flourishes when good men do nothing.

 

Someone gets attacked, and people just watch.

 

A woman gets raped while people hear the screams, no one does anything.

 

We're so quick to pull out our phones and record, or just watch, or ignore because it 's "none of our business".

 

Maybe it 's time we start looking after our neighbors just a little bit more, especially in situations like these and make it just a little bit of our business.

 

Tell him.

 

Be one of the few people in this world and actually stand for something.

 

Lord knows we need more of these.

 

Just plan on that neighbor you tell hating you for being a buttinsky.

 

Btw, i have nevet known anyone to ignore the screams of a woman being raped or of people standing around twiddling their.thumbs while someone is attacked.

 

An affair is not evem in tje same ballpark as these crimes, no.comparasin at all,

Edited May 9, 2015 by goodyblue

[MrNate 2.0]

Just plan on that neighbor you tell hating you for being a buttinsky.

 

Btw, i have nevet known anyone to ignore the screams of a woman being raped or of people standing around twiddling their.thumbs while someone is attacked.

 

An affair is not evem in tje same ballpark as these crimes, no.comparasin at all,

 

The point was simple: If you see something wrong and you know you have it in your power to change the situation, maybe you should do something instead of being idle or turning your head.

[No Limit]

Feeling very sorry for the future kids. Love how everyone always says that people should care more and prevent bad things from happening but they won't even take 2 minutes to warn someone because it might be a little uncomfortable.

[BetrayedH]

Just plan on that neighbor you tell hating you for being a buttinsky.

 

Btw, i have nevet known anyone to ignore the screams of a woman being raped or of people standing around twiddling their.thumbs while someone is attacked.

 

An affair is not evem in tje same ballpark as these crimes, no.comparasin at all,

 

I don't want to talk too much about my industry here but you'd be amazed at exactly how much people stand around and do nothing during crimes and emergencies. We call it bystander syndrome and it's a virtual epidemic. Unless you specify exactly who you're talking to and give explicit directions, you can hardly get people to call 911.

 

And speaking as a BH, an affair might not be a violent crime but it sure as hell did some serious damage to me. And I think the fact that no one intervened for such a long time allowed it to continue to the point where the damage to the marriage was irreversible. She was so far into the rabbit hole, she was never getting out. And I had a hell of a time trying to get past such an involved affair. Worse yet, instead of someone intervening, she had a cheerleader for her affair in her new bestie. Good people did nothing but mind their own business; evil people were left free to ruin two families. Maybe you consider it small potatoes, but my kids and I paid a heavy price just because no one wanted to be a buttinski.

Edited May 9, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Wondering33]

I would argue that there are far, far more situations like my own where the BS was informed and no serious drama ensued. The situation that you listed above is outlier and if anyone is to be concerned about this risk, perhaps it should be the cheater.

 

The man stuck his nose in something that was non of his concern, it was her mistake but if he didn't tell, on that day she would have not have been shot. He lost his friend, & respect of pretty much everyone he knew & no one cared that she cheated at that point. You act like cheating is the bigger crime, guess what cheating is not. I'd also argue you base your advice on an extreme cheating situation that is not the normal.

[Wondering33]

The point was simple: If you see something wrong and you know you have it in your power to change the situation, maybe you should do something instead of being idle or turning your head.

 

What if you change the situation for the worse?

[ltjg45]

What if you change the situation for the worse?

 

Then it was bound to happen anyway.

 

Because if someone being told vital information concerning their relationship makes things even worse, then there is an even bigger problem than one partner cheating on the other.

[autumnnight]

I believe that the OP should tell, but I had to comment on Wondering's remark about cheating being the bigger crime.

 

I gotta say, I agree with her. I cannot tell you how many so-called logical (even professing Christian) people who have become so fixated on affairs that their response to MURDER of a WS or AP is glee or at least "they got what they deserved." I'm sorry folks. Shooting someone in cold blood FIVE TIMES is at least as bad as cheating. We need to get out of our own heads and get some perspective.

 

That said, I believe in this situation there is enough of a connection between the BH and OP/her SO that they can not only inform him but stick around and support him.

[BetrayedH]

The man stuck his nose in something that was non of his concern, it was her mistake but if he didn't tell, on that day she would have not have been shot. He lost his friend, & respect of pretty much everyone he knew & no one cared that she cheated at that point. You act like cheating is the bigger crime, guess what cheating is not. I'd also argue you base your advice on an extreme cheating situation that is not the normal.

 

Shooting someone is certainly the biggest crime in this scenario.

Betraying your spouse would be second.

Telling someone isn't a crime at all in my book. I guarantee that the man who committed the crime was angry because the affair happened, not because he knew about it. After all, he didn't kill the messenger.

 

I do think that these things have to be handled with at much grace as possible, which is why I agree that an anonymous telling is not the best route. And I don't mean to belittle what was probably a horribly traumatic situation for your family. I'm sorry to hear it happened. I just think the blame should reside in the right place. The wayward wife took a huge risk in having her affair. Everyone knows that betrayal at this level can results in extreme reactions. She did it anyway. She chose that route. And then the BH chose his actions, which he also gets to own.

 

I also don't know what you mean by extreme cheating. Look across these boards and you'll find one person after another devastated by everything from a one night stand to emotional affairs to physical affairs. They all rain destruction and are all the choice of the wayward.

 

In the case of the OP, the wayward wife sounds like she's throwing herself at any man that would have her, exposing the betrayed husband to gawd only knows what, has no plans to stop, and is about to drag kids into this mess. Someone needs to tell the poor man. The sooner it's done and the more gracefully it's handled, the better chance for a recovery for everyone involved, including the wayward. She needs help.

[autumnnight]

In the case of the OP, the wayward wife sounds like she's throwing herself at any man that would have her, exposing the betrayed husband to gawd only knows what, has no plans to stop, and is about to drag kids into this mess. Someone needs to tell the poor man. The sooner it's done and the more gracefully it's handled, the better chance for a recovery for everyone involved, including the wayward. She needs help.

 

This is what struck me. This isn't a woman who is heartbroken over a drunken one-time choice (which BTW is just as wrong as anything else, and I would still encourage confession). For this woman, cheating is a lifestyle, and she seems just plain reckless about it. There is as much chance of her giving her husband HIV or exposing her family to some psycho ex-partner as anything else, probably more. Maybe you don't make a big deal out of the kid who steals 20 bucks from your wallet. But you sure as heck tell your friend if you know someone is embezzling thousands from his business.

[goodyblue]

This is what struck me. This isn't a woman who is heartbroken over a drunken one-time choice (which BTW is just as wrong as anything else, and I would still encourage confession). For this woman, cheating is a lifestyle, and she seems just plain reckless about it. There is as much chance of her giving her husband HIV or exposing her family to some psycho ex-partner as anything else, probably more. Maybe you don't make a big deal out of the kid who steals 20 bucks from your wallet. But you sure as heck tell your friend if you know someone is embezzling thousands from his business.

 

Embezzling money is not the same as a personal, private relationship. And really, i suppose you could argue either way on which is worse.

 

I just think to myself... how does anyone know what is going on in the relationship? My guy has client lunches and dinners with women all the time and if i had to listen to someone inform me of this every time i would be exhausted.

 

I guess if you have absolute proof then maybe... but even then I, personally, would butt out.

 

P.S I don't really believe in extreme cheating either. Cheating is cheating. And it is wrong. The end

[autumnnight]

I just think to myself... how does anyone know what is going on in the relationship? My guy has client lunches and dinners with women all the time and if i had to listen to someone inform me of this every time i would be exhausted.

 

Really? Sleeping with numerous men is a business lunch?

[MrNate 2.0]

What if you change the situation for the worse?

 

And what if it'changed for the better?

 

 

Letting that continue on the way it is, is making the situation worse.

Edited May 9, 2015 by MrNate 2.0

[goodyblue]

Really? Sleeping with numerous men is a business lunch?

 

My point was that nobody knows what is going on in their marriage. Just like people could assume all kinds of things about a business lunch.

[velvette]

Sounds like the only thing the OP knows for a fact is that the WS told her shes cheating on BS and with whom.

 

 

That's exactly what I would tell the BS.

 

 

Most of the other stuff involves subjective judgement about behavior, hearsay, and assumptions.

 

 

That simple fact will be spun by the WS, but it is enough for him to investigate what shes doing if he chooses to.