Wife cheating on husband. He does not know. To say or not to say?

[Winterina]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

[Wondering33]

You worry about yourself & stay out of it. People on here will tell you to tell but they never say what happens if the people stay together...you are looked at & talked about like a trouble maker & others won't trust you. I really don't understand (unless it's family or a long time best friend) how people just take it upon themselves to just stick their nose in anyone else's business...boggles my mind.

[Mr Carson]

If no children are involved I would definitely let him know. Wouldn't you want someone to make you aware if you were in his shoes?

[Winterina]

I would want to know, yes. But not everyone is the same.

 

 

They are going to try for kids from this summer... and he has no clue who she really is... is it in any way my business, on the account that this guy was a friend and is a nice person, to protect some unborn children from living in a home that will one day be broken? Is it my job as a human being to let someone know that they are being deceived? He might find out when it is too late and he is already stuck with kids.

 

 

I am thinking of myself as accomplice to this story. Every time you sit around with some friends one of whom is cheating on another and you decide to keep your mouth shut, are you really not facilitating the life of a cheater, and are you not really an accomplice in hiding things and making someone make bad life choices?

 

 

It is like watching someone go for the cliff and you say nothing...

 

 

On the other hand, I am extremely reluctant to get involved for my own selfish reasons. I do not want any trouble.

[RoseVille]

Stay out of it; it's none of your business. You're not even friends with the H, only ex-friends with the cheater.

[BetrayedH]

I'm of the mindset that people deserve to be able to make informed decisions about things that so greatly impact their lives.

 

If this guy is anything like me, he's probably devoting every life decision towards the betterment of his wife and marriage. The poor schmuck has only one life to live and he's unknowingly spending it devoted to someone that gets off on his humiliation. Someone should release him from that prison.

 

All evil requires in order to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

[Clay]

I personally would tell him. I understand why people are cautioning you and I respect that. There is not doubt there are dangers in getting involved but you can limit your exposure to this. Just find a time to pull the guy aside or even a phone call and let him know. You can call from a public phone if you are worried he will call you back. If someone would have had the decency to extend me the curiousy I probably would have paid them. In my case everyone else knew but me and even friends knew and did what these people are saying. They decided it wasn't there business and stayed out of it. I can tell you now they are no longer friends. With friends like that who needs enemies.

 

I hope you will update your post on what you decide you will do.

 

Clay

[Winterina]

we were all sitting together and visiting each other's houses many times... does not matter who is who, that guy is a human being regardless that we are not the best friends in the world.

 

 

I see both sides of the story here being valid... but one that seems more as the right thing to do is TO TELL. It is justice, it is the truth, and truth is never wrong.

 

 

I would like to hear a reason and arguments for NOT TO TELL other than "it is not your business"...

What is happening with starving children and stray dogs in the world is not my business either, but I do get involved because it is the right thing to do.

When last week a woman punched her own dog in the face on the street it was not my business yet I was shouting at her at the top of my lungs.

 

 

If nobody exposes these aholes bad things will continue happening and good people will get hurt and some will never get up. If everyone were out there to tell the truth and expose indecent practices then aholes would have to change.

Just some broader perspective on the issue.

 

 

So what is the higher reason to NOT TELL?

[davidromero43]

If you run into him or them together. Say something like "It is great to see you are still friends". When they look confused say "Well last I heard, Sally was dating Fred from the AM/PM. If that is not true, I apologize.". I'm sure hints can be dropped.

[BetrayedH]

I would want to know, yes. But not everyone is the same.

 

 

They are going to try for kids from this summer... and he has no clue who she really is... is it in any way my business, on the account that this guy was a friend and is a nice person, to protect some unborn children from living in a home that will one day be broken? Is it my job as a human being to let someone know that they are being deceived? He might find out when it is too late and he is already stuck with kids.

 

 

I am thinking of myself as accomplice to this story. Every time you sit around with some friends one of whom is cheating on another and you decide to keep your mouth shut, are you really not facilitating the life of a cheater, and are you not really an accomplice in hiding things and making someone make bad life choices?

 

 

It is like watching someone go for the cliff and you say nothing...

 

 

On the other hand, I am extremely reluctant to get involved for my own selfish reasons. I do not want any trouble.

 

You are right that it's basic common decency to let him know, especially before children are brought into this mess. Hell, he might even end up raising children that aren't even his own.

 

Sadly, common decency isn't that common.

 

I'd recommend that you make a decision of which you can be proud.

[Mr Carson]

The possibility of children getting involved is the biggest reason to tell. Just because he finds out doesn't mean the marriage is over but at least they can work towards a honest future.

[Winterina]

I'm of the mindset that people deserve to be able to make informed decisions about things that so greatly impact their lives.

 

If this guy is anything like me, he's probably devoting every life decision towards the betterment of his wife and marriage. The poor schmuck has only one life to live and he's unknowingly spending it devoted to someone that gets off on his humiliation. Someone should release him from that prison.

 

All evil requires in order to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

 

 

 

I love that last quote. The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who stay neutral in the face of injustice.

Clearly, I feel strongly about telling the guy.

I would like to think about it though and allow myself to be persuaded otherwise before I do anything, because it is extremely difficult thing to get yourself to do.

She is almost every other night around with guys, just as friends drinking smoking and hanging out till small hours. He is mostly home playing video games. His work is from home too. So he has no clue and trusts that she just likes to be social and overly friendly... when in fact she uses her sexuality (she is just ordinary looking but she throws herself at people physically and talks about her sex life all the time) to get people to see her as such.

He seems very naïve and innocent in comparison to her. He worships the ground she walks on. Poor dude.

[BetrayedH]

we were all sitting together and visiting each other's houses many times... does not matter who is who, that guy is a human being regardless that we are not the best friends in the world.

 

 

I see both sides of the story here being valid... but one that seems more as the right thing to do is TO TELL. It is justice, it is the truth, and truth is never wrong.

 

 

I would like to hear a reason and arguments for NOT TO TELL other than "it is not your business"...

What is happening with starving children and stray dogs in the world is not my business either, but I do get involved because it is the right thing to do.

When last week a woman punched her own dog in the face on the street it was not my business yet I was shouting at her at the top of my lungs.

 

 

If nobody exposes these aholes bad things will continue happening and good people will get hurt and some will never get up. If everyone were out there to tell the truth and expose indecent practices then aholes would have to change.

Just some broader perspective on the issue.

 

 

So what is the higher reason to NOT TELL?

 

Here's a whole thread for you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

[mammasita]

I am a HUGE advocate of staying out of it but also letting him know.

 

Contradictory, right?

 

If it were me I would find a way to let him know anonymously. It might take more effort for something that isn't your problem, but I would want to know if I were in his shoes.

[Wondering33]

I would want to know, yes. But not everyone is the same.

 

 

They are going to try for kids from this summer... and he has no clue who she really is... is it in any way my business, on the account that this guy was a friend and is a nice person, to protect some unborn children from living in a home that will one day be broken? Is it my job as a human being to let someone know that they are being deceived? He might find out when it is too late and he is already stuck with kids.

 

 

I am thinking of myself as accomplice to this story. Every time you sit around with some friends one of whom is cheating on another and you decide to keep your mouth shut, are you really not facilitating the life of a cheater, and are you not really an accomplice in hiding things and making someone make bad life choices?

 

 

It is like watching someone go for the cliff and you say nothing...

 

 

On the other hand, I am extremely reluctant to get involved for my own selfish reasons. I do not want any trouble.

 

No it's not the same thing as a cliff. Cheating is moral, your moral code is your own, not everyone follows what you think or feel. No one knows a relationship but the people that are in it. It's just plain none of your business, so everything you do is everyone else's business? have you made bad choices, you want people to come up to & talk about yours? When did you become God to decided what's good for everyone? you're being nosy & busybody. How are you going to handle it, when someone comes up to you & calls you out for that?

[Winterina]

The possibility of children getting involved is the biggest reason to tell. Just because he finds out doesn't mean the marriage is over but at least they can work towards a honest future.

 

 

 

True that. I would not expect someone as naïve as him to just dump someone as manipulative as her, she is actually pretty impossible to dump as my bf and I had many attempts at it, expressly told her, implied, but nothing worked. She still sometimes drops her emails to which nobody answers.

 

 

She will convince him in whatever she wants. But at least he will have heard the truth and will make informed decisions.

In consumer protection there is saying that information can never hurt the consumer. Why is marriage any different. If you are going to eat a cancer causing additive then at least you should do it knowingly.

[Winterina]

Here's a whole thread for you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

 

 

 

Unfortunately, the situation in this thread does not apply as nobody is ill.

 

 

Also, most of the people said they would want to know even if they were terminally ill.

 

 

So I still have no persuasive enough reason to NOT TELL.

 

 

I like the idea, as chickenpoo as it is, to just drop anonymous message on his FB or something.

[newlywedder]

I would let him know discretely via email or facebook. Maybe make a fake email or facebook and message him on there and let him know that you are a friend and have seen/heard somethings about his wife's behavior. He can then go from there and deal with it. He will never know it was you so you won't get a bad reputation as a tattle tale or marriage ruiner. You can then sleep better at night knowing you have saved a future child from a broken marriage. Believe me, as a child of a broken marriage, the effects are life-long harming to us.

[elaine567]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

 

You can't just tell him is wife is cheating without some concrete proof. How do you know she is actually cheating?

[jbrent890]

No it's not the same thing as a cliff. Cheating is moral, your moral code is your own, not everyone follows what you think or feel. No one knows a relationship but the people that are in it. It's just plain none of your business, so everything you do is everyone else's business? have you made bad choices, you want people to come up to & talk about yours? When did you become God to decided what's good for everyone? you're being nosy & busybody. How are you going to handle it, when someone comes up to you & calls you out for that?

 

This is without a doubt the most ridiculous argument. If this woman didn't want her husband to know that she was cheating, then she shouldn't have done it. The OP said she is cheating with multiple guys and is a narcissist. This isn't somone who lost her way, so please spare us with haven't you made a mistake argument. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice and if this woman didn't want to be busted for cheating, then she shouldn't have done it. People call people out on the horrible things that they do everyday. That's life. The OP is not playing God. She would be letting a friend know the type of person he is married to. What happens when he has children with this woman and finds out who she really is. Or worse, he ends up raising a kid that isn't his. Just an assumption, but it sounds like this woman would have no problem doing that to this guy.

 

OP, I have come to believe that nobody really shoots the messenger. The people that do get blamed are the ones that knew information and did nothing about it. Wondering'so argument would hold weight if it was some stranger that you didn't know, but that's not the case here. This a friend and you will be saving him from a world of heart.

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunately, the situation in this thread does not apply as nobody is ill.

 

 

Also, most of the people said they would want to know even if they were terminally ill.

 

 

So I still have no persuasive enough reason to NOT TELL.

 

 

I like the idea, as chickenpoo as it is, to just drop anonymous message on his FB or something.

 

If you haven't figured it out, I'm not trying to convince you not to tell. I think that the learning from that thread is that there are few, if any, real good reasons not to disclose.

 

Interestingly enough, you'll find that the preponderance of betrayed spouses will say that you should tell. You'd think that betrayed spouses might hesitate, having known the pain of learning infidelity first hand. Many of us were devastated for years. You'd think we'd be the ones that would caution about disclosure. But in the end, we've learned that the need to make informed decisions outweighs the disruption caused by the info. It's an understanding that the short-term disadvantage is outweighed by the long-term advantage.

 

On the flip side of the coin, you'll notice a lot of waywards and affair partners advising against disclosure, as had been demonstrated in your thread already (take a look at some of the threads started by those that are shocked by the idea of you getting in the middle of someone else's marriage). I find it comical that it's somehow ok to interject a third party into the marriage, except when it's to give a spouse a heads-up that they're being betrayed. It's only getting into someone else's business when lies are being exposed, not when they're being committed.

[Wondering33]

This is without a doubt the most ridiculous argument. If this woman didn't want her husband to know that she was cheating, then she shouldn't have done it. The OP said she is cheating with multiple guys and is a narcissist. This isn't somone who lost her way, so please spare us with haven't you made a mistake argument. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice and if this woman didn't want to be busted for cheating, then she shouldn't have done it. People call people out on the horrible things that they do everyday. That's life. The OP is not playing God. She would be letting a friend know the type of person he is married to. What happens when he has children with this woman and finds out who she really is. Or worse, he ends up raising a kid that isn't his. Just an assumption, but it sounds like this woman would have no problem doing that to this guy.

 

OP, I have come to believe that nobody really shoots the messenger. The people that do get blamed are the ones that knew information and did nothing about it. Wondering'so argument would hold weight if it was some stranger that you didn't know, but that's not the case here. This a friend and you will be saving him from a world of heart.

 

No its her husband's friend not hers. I think you're just jaded by your own life experiences & your making it personal. Like it or not, unless your extremely close (like knowing your friend way before they met they're spouse) other people's lives are none of someone else's business. it doesn't matter if you, me or anyone doesn't like how they live their life, it's THEIR life, not anyone else's. Unless one is perfect (no one but in my belief Jesus) then who would you think you are to know what's best for someone else?

 

Anger, judging & being a busybody isn't righteous either. You don't get your own life points for interfering with other's lives. You don't know their at home situation. What if they can't have kids? What if they don't have sex? unless one knows a WHOLE situation through & through & no one asked you, it's NONE OF ANOTHERS BUSINESS.

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunately, the situation in this thread does not apply as nobody is ill.

 

 

Also, most of the people said they would want to know even if they were terminally ill.

 

 

So I still have no persuasive enough reason to NOT TELL.

 

 

I like the idea, as chickenpoo as it is, to just drop anonymous message on his FB or something.

 

The only problem with an anonymous message is that waywards are so effective at continuing to lie, deny, miminize, gaslight (and lie some more) to their betrayed partners. If stuck choosing between a spouse and an anonymous person, almost everyone chooses the spouse.

 

If you do this anonymously, he needs to be provided with definitive and undeniable proof. Otherwise, all she has to say is that there's some crazy coworker trying to sabotage her life. Then she takes the affair(s) underground or just lays low until the dust settles. If he knows who you are, he can ask you follow-up questions and ultimately verify that what you're saying is true.

 

Of course, there are no guarantees but you could always disclose to him with the understanding that you wish to remain anonymous and uninvolved. Give him one session to ask whatever questions he likes and then request to be left out of it. Ask him to respect how difficult it was to take this risk and to go investigate on his own if he wants further proof.

 

But don't give him an anonymous rumor and walk away. He may never discover the truth if you do that.

[Winterina]

No its her husband's friend not hers. I think you're just jaded by your own life experiences & your making it personal. Like it or not, unless your extremely close (like knowing your friend way before they met they're spouse) other people's lives are none of someone else's business. it doesn't matter if you, me or anyone doesn't like how they live their life, it's THEIR life, not anyone else's. Unless one is perfect (no one but in my belief Jesus) then who would you think you are to know what's best for someone else?

 

Anger, judging & being a busybody isn't righteous either. You don't get your own life points for interfering with other's lives. You don't know their at home situation. What if they can't have kids? What if they don't have sex? unless one knows a WHOLE situation through & through & no one asked you, it's NONE OF ANOTHERS BUSINESS.

 

 

Oh we know their home situation more than we want to. She makes sure everyone knows and talks about their sex and how his penis looks like and what they do in bed...

 

 

I am not claiming to know what is best for someone else but I am guiding myself by some universal code that knowing something that is directly related to such important aspect of your life cannot be bad.

 

 

"Who are you to judge, it is not your business...." these are not any kind of reasons or persuasive arguments. Is there no deeper rationale than this? I cannot find one.

I am to judge if I want to and you cannot judge me for judging... see how that works.

[BetrayedH]

It's the husband's business and he can be the judge.

 

This isn't about persecuting the wayward (with anger, judgement, and whatnot) but about not idly sitting by watching another human being waste his life by being horribly betrayed by someone he trusts. It's about being decent to the betrayed spouse, not about judging the wayward spouse.