Clementineboian Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Looking for advice on what to do! My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her. We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now. His plan is to give 2 months notice on his job, stay here with us during that time and then move away to start his new life and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life. Both of us are super conscious of hurting our daughter as little as possible during this time and making the transition of marriage breakup as smooth as possible. He has offered to look after us financially as much as he can, bearing in mind he will be unemployed, and that I remain in our apartment with our daughter for now. I have listened to everything he said to me but feeling very numb and heartbroken. He is cold towards me (except when we have sex when he is loving, affectionate and considerate), generally uncommunicative and drinking more heavily than usual. A part of me wants him to leave now rather than in 2 months, but I understand his reasons for try to make it as easy as we can for our daughter by going gradually. I feel that his constant presence will not allow me space to get over this but I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 The only viable option is to let him go. Don't beg or plead. Tell him that he should go with her, that you are too valuable to subject yourself to this nonsense and that you're confidant that you'll find a man who values you. And get a lawyer, pronto. I'm sorry, Clementine. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 First of all, and most importantly - STOP. HAVING. SEX. WITH. HIM. It's soul-destroying and destructive to you, and it puts him in an extremely poor light, because if he is in love with this other woman - and having sex with you - where the hell is his heart at, exactly? if it's with her, then he's using you for physical relief, and being nice about it. If he were pushy and demanding, telling you he wanted sex, and as your husband, felt entitled to have it - hopefully, you'd tell him which bridge to jump off. so he's using you for his own gratification. Trouble is, you're taken in by his warmth and friendliness. because that's all you've got. You've latched on to it, and you're hanging onto it by the tips of your fingernails, because that, at least, you have. But actually, you haven't. I think you're being far too complacent, because so far, he's made all the suggestions, ad you've gone along with it. I think you need to get a grip, start thinking with your head, not your heart, and ask him to leave, and file for divorce. "his plan, his plan, his plan...." How about you TELL him you think he should leave now, because having him in the house and being used for sex, while all the time professing he loves HER - is killing you. Your daughter WILL survive. Tell her this story in ten years' time and she will ask you what the hell you were thinking.... She will learn that it's ok for a woman to be used for sex while being jilted, hurt and abandoned by the man she loves. Is that what you want her to learn? Tell him you can discuss parental visits via a lawyer. Please don't lie down and give him everything he wants, just because he seems to care for your broken heart. He doesn't. He cares about making this transition as easy and comfortable for himself, as possible, and he is expecting you to comply, because he sounds logical. Well, it's logical - for him - but if it's ripping you to shreds, then how fair is it, exactly....? Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Also I would say no more intimacy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. Agreed. And he certainly his eating his cake and having it too by continuing to have sex with you after telling you he is leaving because he's fallen in love with another woman. I feel for you and am sorry you're in this situation, but I certainly would not be intimate with someone, even a spouse that I loved, after that revelation. I advise you to do as other posters here have suggested: If he wants to go, you need to let him go. Let him own the consequences of his own actions. Don't beg him or try to reason with him. Just concentrate on your own well being and that of your daughter. That is what is most important right now. Focus on your own healing and try to detach yourself as much as possible from him. Continuing to be intimate with him during this "transition" period plays into his hands and doesn't allow you to do what you need, which is detach and heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I don't mean to be rude but your H sounds like a first class Ahole. Most men are nice, attentive, caring when they want sex. Is he sleeping with his recently deceased bf's wife also? There is a good chance he's having your cake and bf wife's cake too. I feel for you, only you know how much you can stand? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Screw his plan. Kick him out of the house and get the divorce going yourself right away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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