He had an affair 5 years ago. I need your thoughts.

[davidromero43]

It could be that it was a big decision in your life. Have you watched the movie Family Man with Nicolas Cage? I think we all have that feeling. Like what if you didn't get back together, moved to New York, where you became one of the Rockettes. You know the path you took. He hurt you, and you took him back. Maybe you didn't think you could find someone better. Maybe you think you settled for what was comfortable. You might try looking inside you. Maybe you just need to take some dance lessons. The relationship might be fine. You might just be wondering What If.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just... feel his warmth and regret. Maybe it's my pride that can't recover from that?

 

Are there particular things you need to see him do more of? Less of?

 

What concrete steps could be taken to make you feel better about things?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It could be several factors coming into play

 

1 - Your grieving your loss. You lost your marriage, husband, security, that sense of being special, and the list goes on. Your marriage was not what you thought it was. Your husband is not who you thought he was. Your view of your life has been drastically altered. BS grieve those losses.

 

2 - Did you offer your husband cheap grace? Are you trying to forgive him even though he shuts down whenever you try to talk about his A? Has he paid his penitence? Has he 100 percent owned his affair?

 

3 - For BSs there is a tension between justice and mercy. We walk that tension during R and beyond.

[petit_souris]

I understand. I found therapy to be pointless too when I went before divorce. I just know it's good to talk to someone (not your spouse) who doesn't have an agenda and is knowledgeable enough to help you work through things.

 

Yes, you are right. It's so good to be able to talk to someone who is objective (well, as objective as a human can be). Helps clear your thoughts a bit and put some order.

I appreciated and trusted my T, but I just got stuck at the part where I was supposed to go back in time to some parts of my childhood, and all I could come up with were memories ...how to put it... passing through the filter of my grown up rationale and logic. He wanted me to try and recover an earlier self, if that makes any sense. To me ...it didn't. My brain seems a bit blocked in that aspect.

[petit_souris]

It could be that it was a big decision in your life. Have you watched the movie Family Man with Nicolas Cage? I think we all have that feeling. Like what if you didn't get back together, moved to New York, where you became one of the Rockettes. You know the path you took. He hurt you, and you took him back. Maybe you didn't think you could find someone better. Maybe you think you settled for what was comfortable. You might try looking inside you. Maybe you just need to take some dance lessons. The relationship might be fine. You might just be wondering What If.

 

Haven't seen the movie, should I look it up? The regret for "what could have been"? It might play a part. Maybe that is all there is, but I connect it to the affair. I might have ended up feeling like this even if he would have been completely faithful or I hadn't found him out, that is what you meant?

And... I went for the German classes, lol.

[petit_souris]

Are there particular things you need to see him do more of? Less of?

 

What concrete steps could be taken to make you feel better about things?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually... I like him a lot. That is why I wanted him, from the beginning. The only part that could use improvement is the sex. But that's a whole different discussion. And the affair didn't help much, sex-wise.

[petit_souris]

It could be several factors coming into play

 

1 - Your grieving your loss. You lost your marriage, husband, security, that sense of being special, and the list goes on. Your marriage was not what you thought it was. Your husband is not who you thought he was. Your view of your life has been drastically altered. BS grieve those losses.

 

2 - Did you offer your husband cheap grace? Are you trying to forgive him even though he shuts down whenever you try to talk about his A? Has he paid his penitence? Has he 100 percent owned his affair?

 

3 - For BSs there is a tension between justice and mercy. We walk that tension during R and beyond.

 

1 - YES. But ...shouldn't I be passed that stage already?

 

2 - he didn't get the cheap grace... As for owning it... I think he does; except that I never got a very specific 'why' but I think that's because he doesn't know (that is, he hasn't inspected himself enough)

 

3 - YES. I was raised with very strictly defined notions of 'justice', 'right', 'wrong' ... that doesn't make 'mercy' come easily to me.

 

Thank you.

[velvette]

I wish life could be more like math. I have been asking myself if I am still angry with him, but I think the anger is gone.

I'd like to speak about this with him, instead of writing it here but... if I bring it up, he seems overwhelmed with guilt and he shuts off. And... I feel it will drive him away from me, and that can re-create the conditions for that to happen again, no?

 

Earlier you said you don't know what you want your life to be like to be happy or bring you peace.

 

 

But, here you clearly state something you need.

 

 

To me, the first step in having a happy marriage is deciding exactly what you want it to look like and then discussing/negotiating that with your spouse.

 

 

If you feel muddy about this, try googling emotional needs etc. you will find lists.

 

 

What you are describing is being able to have intimate conversation with your H. A strong need for most women and usually in the top 5.

 

 

If that need is not being met you are building resentment whether you recognize it or not. Its also damaging your R and will eventually cause you to fall out of love with your H if it goes on long enough.

 

 

I find it more useful sometimes to think less in terms of what is wrong and why(although there is a place for that), but to think more about what it would take to make something right for me as well as my H.

[davidromero43]

Haven't seen the movie, should I look it up? The regret for "what could have been"? It might play a part. Maybe that is all there is, but I connect it to the affair. I might have ended up feeling like this even if he would have been completely faithful or I hadn't found him out, that is what you meant?

And... I went for the German classes, lol.

 

Kind of what I was trying to say. More like a fork in the road. It was a very monumental decision you had to make. You left him, and then took him back. Perhaps now rethinking the reasons you made the choice. And maybe wondering where another choice might have taken you. I don't think you would have taken him back, if you had not really forgiven him. I know I wouldn't take my cheating ex bitch back for anything.

 

In the movie Cage is a very rich successful business man. He does something really nice, and a guy says he is going to give him a gift. The next morning when he wakes up he is in a strange bed with his old college girlfriend. They are in their 40s, same age as he was. A kid and dog are jumping up and down, yelling "Daddy get up". Well the dog is not yelling. He jumps up finds some keys and drives to his apartment. Nobody knows him when he gets there. The guy that said he was going to give him a gift drives up and tells him this is a glimpse of what your life could have been, if you had made a different choice in life. It is a really good movie.

[petit_souris]

Earlier you said you don't know what you want your life to be like to be happy or bring you peace.

 

 

But, here you clearly state something you need.

 

 

To me, the first step in having a happy marriage is deciding exactly what you want it to look like and then discussing/negotiating that with your spouse.

 

 

If you feel muddy about this, try googling emotional needs etc. you will find lists.

 

 

What you are describing is being able to have intimate conversation with your H. A strong need for most women and usually in the top 5.

 

 

If that need is not being met you are building resentment whether you recognize it or not. Its also damaging your R and will eventually cause you to fall out of love with your H if it goes on long enough.

 

 

I find it more useful sometimes to think less in terms of what is wrong and why(although there is a place for that), but to think more about what it would take to make something right for me as well as my H.

 

Thank you, you offered me a constructive perspective.

 

I don't know how to discuss this, without having the impression I'm bad mouthing my husband. He was never too adept at "emotional" talk. He will do it "for me". "Do it" means listen to me (anxiously, I can sense it) and eventually offering his input in the form of "I understand... I know what you mean... ". But he never initiates it. And if I will have questions I usually get the "I don't know, I haven't thought about it". It almost makes me laugh to tell this, I have reached a point where it doesn't upset me, I try to take him as he is.

I know not all men are like that, but he is one of those men, unable to verbalise emotions. (he can speak freely on basically ANY other topic... from history, to sports, politics, science, media... you name it)

[petit_souris]

Kind of what I was trying to say. More like a fork in the road. It was a very monumental decision you had to make. You left him, and then took him back. Perhaps now rethinking the reasons you made the choice. And maybe wondering where another choice might have taken you. I don't think you would have taken him back, if you had not really forgiven him. I know I wouldn't take my cheating ex bitch back for anything.

 

In the movie Cage is a very rich successful business man. He does something really nice, and a guy says he is going to give him a gift. The next morning when he wakes up he is in a strange bed with his old college girlfriend. They are in their 40s, same age as he was. A kid and dog are jumping up and down, yelling "Daddy get up". Well the dog is not yelling. He jumps up finds some keys and drives to his apartment. Nobody knows him when he gets there. The guy that said he was going to give him a gift drives up and tells him this is a glimpse of what your life could have been, if you had made a different choice in life. It is a really good movie.

 

I like your storyteller skills.

I'll look it up.

In fact... I hadn't forgiven him when I took him back. I took him back out of love, fear and dependency. Bad, I know, but that was all I was capable of, at the time. The forgiveness happened in time.

[velvette]

Thank you, you offered me a constructive perspective.

 

I don't know how to discuss this, without having the impression I'm bad mouthing my husband. He was never too adept at "emotional" talk. He will do it "for me". "Do it" means listen to me (anxiously, I can sense it) and eventually offering his input in the form of "I understand... I know what you mean... ". But he never initiates it. And if I will have questions I usually get the "I don't know, I haven't thought about it". It almost makes me laugh to tell this, I have reached a point where it doesn't upset me, I try to take him as he is.

I know not all men are like that, but he is one of those men, unable to verbalise emotions. (he can speak freely on basically ANY other topic... from history, to sports, politics, science, media... you name it)

 

 

This is actually a very common issue because men in general are less likely to want to do emotional talk than women.

 

 

The fact that he will do it shows he recognizes you need it and he wants to meet your needs. That fact he doesn't do it well or as you like it means its something you both need to work on.

 

 

Sometimes we have to be very explicit......to the point of spelling it out....what behavior we want from our spouse. And, then it takes practice together to achieve it as well as to remove anxiety surrounding doing something that doesn't come naturally.