I am in love with a very close friend

[AJ27k]

Hi all, I just found out about this community today and I was looking for some help with a situation I am in.

 

Back in college, I made friends with a girl. Over the next 4 years we would remain friends, sometimes very close friends and other times we didn't talk that much. There were times I felt like I had feelings for and other times I just felt like she was a good friend. Back when I had feelings for her in the past, she had a bf. There was also a time she had feelings for me, confirmed by a mutual friend, but I was seeing someone at that time. Just bad timing.

 

Over the past 4 months, we have really gotten close again. This time though it is different and we openly call each other best friend. We have talked alot during this stretch both calls and text. There are times we text well into the early morning. We see each other about twice a week and generally we have a good time and seem to really just get each other. It just seems like there is mutual interest in each other

 

Now here comes the the part I hate! She has this on and off relationship with an ex boyfriend. She doesn't seem happy with him and openly complains to me about them fighting, but still they on the surface seem to be seeing each other.

 

Its a bad situation for me because I now have fallen for her, but it also seems like its a losing situation.

 

I have talked to friends about this, and I get a lot of "don't bother with her" or "you need to find a different girl and start dating her". No one seems to get I am in love with this girl now and I can't just turn the emotions off. I have tried and I can't

 

So I am wondering...

 

How can I ask her about the status of her ex boyfriend?

 

Should I tell her how I feel? If so, how should I go about doing this? I think it will make things awkward and could just cause our friendship to change for the worse.

 

Is it possible to be best friends with a female without taking it to the next level? I am really curious, does this work? Because I see this with friends and it never seems to work, or the friendship just dies.

 

I ask this because, in my history, it seems like the woman I let get close to me, I usually fall in love with. This has only happen 3 times in my life but it hasn't turned out good. Either nothing happens and eventually our friendship fades. Or we start to date, it doesn't work and its too awkward to continue our friendship.

 

What luck, right? I finally fall in love with someone I deeply care about after being single for almost a year and it has to be a situation like this!

[Syberia]

Well there's the "wait for her to b*tch about him, be there for her a little more than 'just' a friend, and take it from there" cliche. In fact, that's probably your best bet.

 

Are you willing to settle for "just" friendship with someone whom you desperately desire more with? Knowing she's not interested might do you almost as much good as finding out she is.

[preraph]

Part of growing up is we have to learn to deal with it when we can't get who we want. Part of maturity is learning to accept and deal with your emotions and use your strength and be rational and make rational decisions and determine to move on.

 

Since this has been a pattern with you, next girl you meet, don't try to be friends with her. Ask her out right away so you don't keep ending up best friends. Girls will be friends with guys all day long with no intention of taking it further -- until they find out the guy has been hiding that he actually wants to sleep with her and be her boyfriend, at which time it ruins everything. You need to be more honest with women from the get-go and either ask them out of deal with only having women for friends.

[Lex30]

Part of growing up is we have to learn to deal with it when we can't get who we want. Part of maturity is learning to accept and deal with your emotions and use your strength and be rational and make rational decisions and determine to move on.

 

Since this has been a pattern with you, next girl you meet, don't try to be friends with her. Ask her out right away so you don't keep ending up best friends. Girls will be friends with guys all day long with no intention of taking it further -- until they find out the guy has been hiding that he actually wants to sleep with her and be her boyfriend, at which time it ruins everything. You need to be more honest with women from the get-go and either ask them out of deal with only having women for friends.

 

Preraph is 100% on point here. This is the difference between our situations as well. I never liked my BFF as anything other than friends when it started out. I never had any intentions of falling in love with her, this happened months afterwards. When I started to become close to her it was always as friends. But then something just happened and I grew into caring for her and then falling in love with her.

 

When I meet a girl that I am attracted to or justice in general I move in the relationship direction fast. It sounds like you don't do this, you settle for let's be friends, which like peraph said, most woman are open to and love having male friends. If you think you have feelings for or are attracted to a girl, you generally have to move in that direction early on.

 

I hope this helps, and I know it's not often easy. I had this problem in my high school and early college years. Would meet an attractive girl but would move too slow and we would end up being friends. I never put my feelings on the table early on and as a result it was a surprise to her and it rarely went well.

 

Now you are in my situation, which sucks and I don't have an immediate answer. I haven't said anything about my feelings only because I place a lot of value in our friendship.

 

Two things might help you. Hang out with other female friends or start trying to meet other woman. Be open with her that you are hanging out or going on a date with another woman and gauge her response.

 

If you feel she isn't happy with her ex, just tell her how you feel. If she is a friend, she should in theory be honest with you. You may hurt the friendship by doing this if feelings aren't mutual but that is the risk when you become friends first and fallen in love second. I haven't done this yet but I plan on it soon.

 

Good luck and feel free to let me know how it goes. I will update you on my situation on my thread!

[AJ27k]

Preraph is 100% on point here. This is the difference between our situations as well. I never liked my BFF as anything other than friends when it started out. I never had any intentions of falling in love with her, this happened months afterwards. When I started to become close to her it was always as friends. But then something just happened and I grew into caring for her and then falling in love with her.

 

When I meet a girl that I am attracted to or justice in general I move in the relationship direction fast. It sounds like you don't do this, you settle for let's be friends, which like peraph said, most woman are open to and love having male friends. If you think you have feelings for or are attracted to a girl, you generally have to move in that direction early on.

 

I hope this helps, and I know it's not often easy. I had this problem in my high school and early college years. Would meet an attractive girl but would move too slow and we would end up being friends. I never put my feelings on the table early on and as a result it was a surprise to her and it rarely went well.

 

Now you are in my situation, which sucks and I don't have an immediate answer. I haven't said anything about my feelings only because I place a lot of value in our friendship.

 

Two things might help you. Hang out with other female friends or start trying to meet other woman. Be open with her that you are hanging out or going on a date with another woman and gauge her response.

 

If you feel she isn't happy with her ex, just tell her how you feel. If she is a friend, she should in theory be honest with you. You may hurt the friendship by doing this if feelings aren't mutual but that is the risk when you become friends first and fallen in love second. I haven't done this yet but I plan on it soon.

 

Good luck and feel free to let me know how it goes. I will update you on my situation on my thread!

 

I get what you are both saying but its not like this has happened every time I meet a girl. In those times I mentioned, yea I did what too long but there were reasons for it. Our situations are different because I did like her from the start of meeting her. She had just broken up with her ex and I didn't want to jump right into a relationship and be the rebound. We know that doesn't work most of the time. I have tried to hang out with other woman but I can't get her off my mind. I just come back to the same place I started at.

 

We have some mutual friends and I think I am going to see if maybe one of them can find out if she has feelings for me. If so then I will tell her how I feel.

[Fleur de cactus]

If you really have such feelings for her, it will be hard to not think about her, it will kill, torture you wanting her and keep it as a secret. Now since she is your best friend what do you have to lose if you let her know that you have strong feelings for her? The only issue here is that she keeps going back to her bf. Ask her how serious she is with him. If she is mature enough she will be honest and let you know. Good luck