/Hurt/Lonely and at a Crossroads

[the_oz_man]

This may seem like an odd title in the "dating" section of a forum, but let me explain.

 

Long story first (with a bit of history to frame it), I am a low 30s male with literally zero dating experience up until this relationship. I am an adopted Asian minority, and I grew up predominantly in a white small town family. I am thankful for my family, and the experience growing up, even if it were not ideal in terms of friendships as it molded me into who I am now. I learned to be independent through my promless high school years, through college when I never had a romantic connection and short lived friendships. Through graduation and my 20s, while continued to build my fierce independence through time. I really had no choice. It was what life gave me, and I learned to take it as it was, to be independent, and to trust only myself.

 

When I was 30 years old, I made a big move to my dream state (lots of mountains and wilderness). I struggled in this new place. I once again found myself with no friends, and this new state and the great outdoors intimidated me. My living situation was less than ideal, and stress and loneliness began to take its toll on my health and well-being. In the end, after a year, I was able to break through and become a new person I never knew existed. I moved, and this new found freedom began an amazing 2 year journey to the place I am at now. I found and met amazing new friends who shared the same life adventures I did, and gone was the timid and shy person I cultivated through years of quiet independence. I realized I truly found my enjoyment in life when I could share my experiences with others. I was an extrovert, and I never realized it. Suddenly I was building new friendships and relationships that had never been a part of my life. People saw my enthusiasm for life, and it became a natural friend-building trait. But still, I was single...and completely happy with my life just as it was. It is one of those paradoxical things in life when the least you think about it/worry about it, it just naturally happens...

 

In fall of 2014, I was at a going away party for my friend who was leaving this great state. There with my other friend, I had an opportunity to meet this young lady at the party. It was one of those moments I will remember forever simply because it was completely innocuous! We met, shook hands, spoke for 10 seconds, and went our separate ways. I never, at the time, thought anything unique of the moment. Three days later, I get a message on FB from her. She had read through the FB invite list, found me, and asked if I would be interested in "hanging out sometime". A little surprised (as nobody had ever done that to me), I happily responded and mentioned I would love to go backpacking sometime (my favorite past time). She happily accepted, and there began an initial 4 month friendship.

 

It all started simple enough. We did a few hikes together, talked, got to know one another, and we became friends. I found her very attractive inside and out, but as usual, when I met new females in my life, I always just put them into the "friends only" box. Living single for so long with no romantic partners tends to sap your confidence in oneself! And even so, I found her quirky and not compatible with myself. I was happy being her friend, and I was happy sharing experiences once or twice a week.

 

Around Thanksgiving, I began to notice a change. Friendship (at least from her) began to hint at something else. I noticed she looked at me differently, sat closer to me when we spoke, etc. She gave small, subtle hints, but in my mind, I still only saw her as a friend, and I surely didn't want to get the "wrong hints" and ruin the friendship if I pursued them. So we continued on. I still gave her shy, timid hugs, and I always left with no other expectations. With time, she really saw the mentally strong, mindful, and "present-minded" person I was. She wondered how I could brush off seemingly dreadful experiences, and how I could move from one life obstacle to another--seeing them as challenges instead of road-blocks. She, on the other hand, was struggling with a significant lack of self-confidence and with chronic stress. I found, early on, that she was working through a debilitating break up 3 years earlier that dramatically changed her life, her outlook, her enthusiasm, and health. After struggling mightily for a year with depression and constant illness, she moved back to this amazing state (her home state). Through time she built new friendships, and rebuilt her life. But still, the same challenges with confidence and stress remained.

 

In December, one fateful evening, we were having a party at a friends house. She had just got back from vacation for a couple weeks, and after not seeing each other for nearly a month, we spent a couple lovely evenings together, as friends. She invited me to the party to which I happily accepted. Very long story short, we had a few drinks, and we were talking, which then led to long eye-contact, to touching, to kissing... It was mutual, but let me say it was not my best moment! I even told her, moments before lips locked, "I don't know if this is a good idea...". Yeah...

 

What turned into friends quickly turned into an instant "romantic" relationship neither of us planned or necessarily were looking for. It just happened, unplanned. And as you may expect, we were NOT ready. We did what almost all those do who find themselves in a hot and unexpected romantic relationship...we spent long nights together, we paid nearly all attention to one another, and our own lives lost balance. After a couple weeks, and two very long and heart felt discussions (almost breaking it off both times), we made the smart choice to pull back, go slow, set date nights when it fit our schedule, and to get to know each other in those new ways. We continued to have rough patches for a month. I was inexperienced. This was her first romantic relationship after her debilitating previous relationship, and she was still working through issues she had from previous less than stellar relationships. I guess you could call them demons. She was also stressed...very stressed. And that became a common theme in our relationship...her challenges with her stress from work, life, and our new relationship.

 

Three months later, we seemingly had made it past the challenging initial stages, and I felt we were truly a couple, ready to work through challenges together. She had a month left at her stressful job, and I was hopeful for the end as I knew she needed a break. She needed to tune down and enjoy a summer filled with friends, adventures, and fun. But...we were having nearly daily discussions about her stress...usually relating to her job and her friends. It was obvious to me, but her stress was affecting her life, her relationships, and she didn't know why. She felt lonely she said. I made mistakes too, and I know that played a huge role. When I had a great listening ear two months ago, I began (after looking back) to stop listening, and I did what a lot of men try to do...I tried to fix her problems. I tried to give too much advice instead of hearing her out. And that led to disconnection with time. But...everything still seemed positive as a whole, and summer was near. We had summer trips planned together. Everything looked good....until the last day before her break. After a challenging and stressful day, what was supposed to be a celebration turned into a long car ride discussion that led to another negatively toned discussion about her friends and stress. We were going down the same road we had been for a month. I was upset, she was upset, and it turned ugly when I asked, "What can we do to make sure these negative conversations don't continue in the future". Poorly worded and at the worst time imagineable! I meant to start a dialogue about working through it together, but it has the opposite effect. Immediately she began to cry and tear up. The months of stress in her life hit her, and from talking about summer plans and celebration a day earlier, she was asking if we should even continue on in the relationship. We had a heartfelt and intimate discussion that night at my house, and with me crying and asking for us to give it a try, she said the dreaded words I never wanted to hear, "Perhaps we should just be friends". It was a shellshocking moment. It caught me off guard, and I never saw it coming. Was she afraid of commitment? I don't know. Were the defenses on high? ONe thing I know is she was always afraid of being left like she was in her last relationship. She valued our friendship so much that I know (because she told me early on) she was willing to can the relationship to save a friendship. But it still shocked me, and I felt (and still feel 4 days later) the relationship is there.

 

She invited me out the very next night. It took all the courage in my life to actually go and hang out...as friends. I wanted to never go, but I went, and we talked, and smiled, and even had a few laughs. I didn't want to be that guy that says "I will always be there", but then not show up in the hardest moment. The next day we went on a hike together. Once again, it took all the courage for me to ask, and I was still circling many emotions in my head. But we went, and we had an amazing time. For a moment in our "relationship" it was all natural. It felt how it was supposed to be. There was a moment together, on that mountain, where all the stress was gone, the expectation, the romantic expectations. It felt right. There we sat quietly, touched each others back and laid up against one another. No kissing...nothing sexual. No hurt or hard feelings.

 

The next day, after it had hit me, and with the negative emotions running through my mind, I had a less than stellar encounter with her when she came to see our mutual friends. I felt hurt, and my attitude became negative. She knew it immediately, but we played along. When I left, I felt bad...and went to give her a hug... Then something weird happened. I wanted to kiss her...it felt natural...but then I remembered we were not together anymore.

 

She has since said she wants to be my best friend. She alluded that it didn't feel "natural" for her the first time. But if we made it flow naturally with no expectation...maybe again. SO here we are. We both deeply care for another still, but I am left hurt, and I have NO idea what she truly wants. She seems scared of commitment, and vulnerable. And in some ways, I feel she left first because of that vulnerability, the chance I would leave her and crush her when it got bad....except I never had that intention...

[soyou]

Just done reading with your entire long post, what is it that you want to ask?

[Satu]

Welcome to LS.

 

What's the point of your post?

[the_oz_man]

Sorry for the very long post. My question is what do I do? ANy suggestions? Should I move on? Stay and see if she comes back?

[Satu]

You shouldn't spend time hoping she will get back together with you, even if there is a slim chance.

 

Being 'a friend,' will be very difficult at best, and probably impossible, given your feelings for her.

 

You should proceed under the assumption that the relationship is over for good.

Nobody likes that suggestion, but it's the most helpful, because it will encourage you to restructure your life to fit your current circumstances, which are those of a single man, sans girlfriend.

 

You should also proceed under the assumption that her next boyfriend will probably not be you.

 

A period of no contact will help you to go through some healing without distraction, and without more emotional wounding.

 

It's not about you and her now, its just about you and how well you can take care of yourself.

 

People here can give you solid advice about how to heal and nurture yourself, so call upon them.

 

All the best,

 

Satu.