Aging in the long term EMR

[AngeliqueC]

The negative voices in my head were badgering me today because I was on day two of a massive "just leave me alone and let me sleep" headache. MM has been talking about moving in with me later this year, and I'm realizing that even though he is 14 yrs older than I am, he is far more active and healthy than I am (he has high BP and type 2 diabetes; I am peri-menopausal with fibromyalgia, migraine headaches, allergies and asthma). I kept thinking how unfair it is of me to stay in this relationship, even after twenty years, when he could easily find someone younger, more attractive and healthier, who could keep up with him and not have so many down days.

 

Do you think it's possible to just "age out" of relationships, that it is kinder to simply grow old and eventually die alone than to try to stay together? Is "sickness and health, death do you part" only applicable to marital relationships, or can it apply to anyone in your life (friends, APs, etc)? I've been watching the last few years as my widowed mother has pulled away from everyone except me and her sister, and I'm wondering if my feelings of wanting to withdraw as I age and have more "bad days" are normal and I need to honor those feelings, or if it's just a learned response that I should fight.

[whichwayisup]

Why not fight? Embrace your great and healthier days and just deal with your bad days/times when they hit you. To give up and isolate yourself is not good. To run away from friends, relationships, even your MM (if he really is divorcing and moving in with you in the future) why not take the chance and see how it works out? He knows you have some health issues but loves you, right?

 

Or are you afraid he'll bail on you when things get tough?

[Hope Shimmers]

How old are the two of you?

 

You are peri-menopausal - I'm guessing you are early 50's? That would make him around mid-60's?

 

Still relatively young.

[gettingstronger]

Maybe after all this time you really don't want him- maybe reality has hit and you would "rather be alone than in bad company" as they say-

 

Whatever is going on, you should seek some help because you sound depressed-chronic illness can do that to people-

 

Get healthy mentally and go from there-

[AngeliqueC]

No, I don't think he will "bail", but I do hate the thought that I may disappoint him. He's looking forward to an active retirement, and my concern is that I'm not up to it. The eight day trip we took last month - six days on the road for 10 to 12 hours a day, with two dogs - really opened my eyes to what I am capable of (or, rather, not particularly capable of) doing day to day.

 

He loves me, and he's seen me through some of my worst fibro times (before I retired - leaving the workplace improved my health drastically, but it was not a "cure-all). I suspect the biggest factor is that I'm looking to my 80+ year old mother as an example of how to age, and I'm wondering if it's the model to emulate or not. I see some positives in the pulling away - she doesn't actually see her friends as they become more frail, nor interact with them as their mental faculties become unsteady, she doesn't attend funerals that reinforce her own mortality, etc, etc. On the other hand, the negatives are a lack of social interaction and emotional support from peers, a lack of purpose or enthusiasm for life, and living more within an unrealistic bubble or "safe zone" that is easily upset by unexpected changes in the lives of those she does allow around her.

 

I must admit, on further reflection, although my mother and MM get along well enough now, I am concerned they will clash when he wants us to do things (trips, in particular) that are outside her comfort zone (she gets nervous when I'm more than a few minutes away, and won't entertain the thought of any other caregivers. I currently live 2/10s of a mile from her.).

[minimariah]

sweetheart... stop worrying and enjoy, live in the moment. what is the point of getting worried & anxious in advance? when problems start - THEN you'll worry. until then -- enjoy, live, love. he accepted you for who you are, he wants you and he is with you and making plans for a future with you. that's all that matters.

 

stop for a second and just... be happy. over little things, over today, over small victories. you'll deal with other problems as they come.

 

and i think the pulling away might be just a matter of character... also, the way you deal with aging and with your own mortality. when you're aging, especially 80+ you're slowly coming to the realization of what being a mortal human really means and i think it, somehow, causes people to pull away + sink into some kind of depression/thinking about life? something like that.

[Popsicle]

I don't know for sure, but I'll take a wild guess and say that, given the length of your A, you have gotten used to and comfortable with the dynamics (i.e. not living together full-time, etc) and don't want to change anything. Change can be scary.

 

I'd recommend telling him exactly what you've told us here and get his thoughts. I mean, the worst that could happen is things just stay the way they are now!

[beach]

You've been with him 20 years?

 

I doubt much is going to change now.

 

If you don't want to do certain things with him just say no.

[RoseVille]

Ehhhh. I don't want to get morbid with you, but... One of my close friends is a recent survivor of cancer. Around the time she was diagnosed, her crush (she had a BF at the time) was also diagnosed. Unfortunately, his is terminal.

 

They both left their partners to spend the rest of HIS life together, and it's not going to last that long. They are not married, have no desire to do that. They just want to be together.

 

So to answer your question, yes. I do think "in sickness and in health" transcends marital relationships. Don't use your mom as a model, you're not destined to follow her footsteps unless you make her same choices.

[AngeliqueC]

Rose, your friend has my deepest sympathy, and I'm glad they have decided to forge on, despite the circumstances.

[Babs22]

AngeliqueC,

Wow, 20 years together, sounds like you have already been through thick and thin together. It also sounds like he is in it for the long haul and obviously loves you. I do not think you should isolate yourself as that is very unhealthy. I also do not think you should be making decisions for him. He already knows you and all your difficulties and he has stuck around through all of it. Don't question it, just let it be. You are still alive and worthy of being loved. He will understand when you need to go at your own pace.

My 17 year old son has fibro and depression, I truly hope he never gives up trying to live his life to the fullest that he can.

 

PS: I read the other day that cuddling can reduce pain. So increase your cuddling time.

[Poppy47]

I am 68 and MM is 73. We have been seeing each other for 7 years on and off.

Very stormy relationship.

 

He is having problems with his wife and I don't know what they are... health or emotional. He won't talk about it.

 

I feel I am sort of over it. I can see that it's the same old thing over and over.

 

It's not that I want to find anybody else... couldn't care less.

 

As I get older, I am more reluctant to compromise in my life. I have been through the tough times and now want to have something easy.

 

You don't have to stay in the relationship if you don't want. You are not bound to him, even by 20 years. Believe me, he will have a hard time finding somebody else at his age, so do not worry about that.

 

You need to honor what your inner self is telling you to do. If you need solitude then seek it.

 

Poppy.

[AngeliqueC]

((Hugs)) Poppy. You're right about wanting smoother sailing as we get older. My last h was drama, drama, drama and then some.

 

MM and I had a long chat this evening. He broached the subject of taking another trip in June, and thankfully, he was the first to say that the 600 or more miles a day of driving, plus shopping and sightseeing, had taken a toll on him the last time, and he wants to take things slower and not push so hard to get somewhere, see the sights, and rush on to the next stop. I was very relieved to hear him say all that, and very quick to agree, lol!!

 

What my inner self really wants right now is for this "change of life" to finish changing!! I just have days when I don't feel like I'm "me" anymore and I don't even know my own body! It's very frustrating - the triggers for headaches and fibro flares seem to change on a moment's notice. And, I'm sure that's just part of why I'm feeling the way I am today. I hope so, at least.

[Poppy47]

Your world will stop turning around eventually. I felt like it was moving beneath my feet when I was menopausal.

 

I think after 20 years you could be lost without your relationship with MM.

 

Maybe it could be a new start for you ?

 

Poppy.

[cocorico]

I think "sunset years" are the best time to build a life together. As more and more of our friends retire, or take flexis, we're looking at how our own lives would be and what choices we might want to make. Yes, as you get older, health concerns can be more pressing - but health is a bit of a lottery, with good or bad that could strike at any time.

 

It sounds as though your mother's withdrawal has been rather selfish - putting huge demands on you, and causing you to have to plan your own life around her rather than being open to accepting help from other directions. I wouldn't see that as a model to aspire to, personally.

 

Enjoy today, see what tomorrow brings. If your BF is up for it, and it's what you want, then take it. Don't second guess what might be best for him. It's your life, choose what's best for *you*.

[elaine567]

I've been watching the last few years as my widowed mother has pulled away from everyone except me and her sister, and I'm wondering if my feelings of wanting to withdraw as I age and have more "bad days" are normal and I need to honor those feelings, or if it's just a learned response that I should fight.

 

Sounds like you and your mother are actually depressed.

No-one nowadays needs to socially isolate and fade away like you and your mother seem to want to do.

You are, I am assuming only around 50, surely life doesn't end at 50, does it?

Get hold of your GP to sort out your symptoms, with the correct specialists and join a local fibro-myalgia support group.

Fibromyalgia - Treatment - NHS Choices

 

If your heart just isn't in this EMR, then that may cause physical health problems too, so consider that.

A good therapist may help the fibromyalgia and sort out your desire for self isolation too. Wanting to simply fade away just isn't a healthy way to think.

[scatterd]

Be happy that your man understands and loves you enough to be there.My husband bailed on me after getting sick. Live your life day by day and do what you can on good days.Big Hugs

[blue963]

Maybe the stress of the relationship with the mm is just stressing on your right now and causing health issues.

[Popsicle]

My mother, who is widowed, made a comment to me yesterday about how she wants to live with me and me take care of her in her older years. I have 3 older siblings but it's me who she wants to do this. Then she said "Oh but you might want to get married again". I said "So what? Even if I get married, you can still live with us".