alimony and house

[Quiet Storm]

He is a master manipulator and is playing both you & his wife like puppets.

 

He didn't expect his wife to want a divorce and let him go so easily. He wanted her to fight for him & refuse to divorce. He wanted to be able to tell you "I love you so much and want to be with you, but she won't let me go!!!"

 

All of his actions & efforts support his true agenda- to have his wife and to keep you as his OW.

 

Now he must turn his focus off of you and back on her in order to get her under his thumb again. Once he succeeds, you'll be missing him and he'll focus his efforts on you again.

 

This MM's goal is to be able to control both you & his wife. He will tell you both whatever he thinks you need to hear to support his agenda.

[MissBee]

Because you can't always help who you fall in love with. All those faceless, nameless fish mean nothing when who you want with all your heart is already in front of you. Being the OW maybe very painful at times, but the good times, and love and affection you both share is worth that. If there were so many other fish in the sea that were just as great as AP or MM then there wouldn't be affairs. The heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe that's a cope out phrase, but its the truth.

 

It is a cop out phrase.

 

I mean the heart wants what it wants but not everything the heart wants makes sense so you need to use your brain.

 

If the heart was always right then people wouldn't be in pain and drama based on following it.

 

If you've dated, married, had a partner die, loved again, you know that NO ONE PERSON is your LAST chance and it seems some OW buy into this fairy tale idea of "one true love" so act like martyrs who must suffer to be with the MM or no one will be better and to that I say, nonsense! More often than he is not your one true love and most of us can love more than once and I strongly believe that love without the right circumstances doesn't make sense. If you love someone and the relationship is mostly stress, drama, hidden, they are married and don't plan to leave...why sit there saying the heart wants what it wants instead of seeing they are ONE of the people you could love but not the FINAL and absolute best or you wouldn't be in such drama. I think it's a very bizarre dysfunctional idea of love personally where people think the more drama and turmoil the truer it is.

 

It's not easy to detach, I'm not saying it is, believe me, but I do think it's worth being critical about your "love" versus resigning yourself to it and acting like there is no other choice and God hand picked you for this drama and if you don't allow MM to drag you through hills and valleys you'll never love again. There needs to be some balance between emotions and reason and most of all it seems many OW love MM more than they love themselves, that's what it usually is in any relationship where you allow yourself to be dragged through the mud for love, it's often that self love is lacking and your absolute almost idolatry towards this other person outweighs your own self preservation instinct and common sense.

Edited April 24, 2015 by MissBee

[sandylee1]

OP

 

He obviously still cares enough for his wife, to not upset her any more than she already is. Having you call while they are trying to vacation would be like a knife in her and maybe I'm some ways, it shows he's not heartless. He could always pop out of the house to speak to you, but in a strange kind of way, he still respects her and her feelings matter to him. That's what his actions seem to say.

that always leaves the door open for reconciliation.

 

He may find that saying goodbye to his children is too difficult and where the situation is that he didnt have a terrible marriage, that will be more difficult. He could be feeling very guilty right now.

 

I think you are going to face many more years of disappointment, (when his kids take priority which they should) of having to take a back seat. His wife has accepted divorce, but he'll continue to see her because they have 2 small kids together. I've heard so many times about men going back into affairs, where their BW, becomes his OW. I can see that happening here, because she still loves him and he certainly cares enough about her .

 

You've come this far and nothing anyone can stay will change your mind, so be prepared for whatever happens. I would not want to be the woman that contributed to the break up of a family and the reason those two young children won't have their dad full time.

[Grapesofwrath]

It is a cop out phrase.

 

If you've dated, married, had a partner die, loved again, you know that NO ONE PERSON is your LAST chance and it seems some OW buy into this fairy tale idea of "one true love" so act like martyrs who must suffer to be with the MM or no one will be better and to that I say, nonsense! More often than he is not your one true love and most of us can love more than once and I strongly believe that love without the right circumstances doesn't make sense. If you love someone and the relationship is mostly stress, drama, hidden, they are married and don't plan to leave...why sit there saying the heart wants what it wants instead of seeing they are ONE of the people you could love but not the FINAL and absolute best or you wouldn't be in such drama. I think it's a very bizarre dysfunctional idea of love personally where people think the more drama and turmoil the truer it is.

 

It's not easy to detach, I'm not saying it is, believe me, but I do think it's worth being critical about your "love" versus resigning yourself to it and acting like there is no other choice and God hand picked you for this drama and if you don't allow MM to drag you through hills and valleys you'll never love again. There needs to be some balance between emotions and reason and most of all it seems many OW love MM more than they love themselves, that's what it usually is in any relationship where you allow yourself to be dragged through the mud for love, it's often that self love is lacking and your absolute almost idolatry towards this other person outweighs your own self preservation instinct and common sense.

 

Word.

 

I think of this as the Disney effect. This ridiculous, fantastical ideal promulgated in movies that we are destined to love only one person. Seriously? Of the billions of humans on earth, I am destined to have true love with only one of them? What if he was born in a village in Tibet and we will never meet?

 

Many great loves are possible. And what we need from our lover changes over time. The man I loved when I was in my 20s is not someone I would want to be with now, unless he has also grown and changed in such a way that we remain compatible. that's the real magic.

 

So I'm with Miss Bee. This is not your one true love. This is one of your loves. One of the relationships you can have in this lifetime. And if it's run its course, because he isn't really available, then time to move on and find another love.

[mokamint7]

Those that choose to ignore their logical brain and only follow their heart have never emotionally matured past that of a child.

 

I don't agree with this. We may have moments of stupidity or be flawed in some aspect, but to say we never matured emotionally past that of a child is a little much. Just because someone follows their heart (wrong as it may be) doesn't mean they aren't mature.

[mokamint7]

Do you honestly believe ALL AP and WS are great candidates for a relationship?.

 

Remind me what WS stand for? And no I don't think all AP are great candidates for a relationship just like I don't believe all single people are great candidates for a relationship. It goes both ways. It's wrong, the cheating, I agree there, but just because a person is an AP doesn't mean they are automatically bad candidates for relationships. It depends on the two (or three) people involved. One scenario can't be used for all.

[Popsicle]

He is a master manipulator and is playing both you & his wife like puppets.

 

He didn't expect his wife to want a divorce and let him go so easily. He wanted her to fight for him & refuse to divorce. He wanted to be able to tell you "I love you so much and want to be with you, but she won't let me go!!!"

 

All of his actions & efforts support his true agenda- to have his wife and to keep you as his OW.

 

Now he must turn his focus off of you and back on her in order to get her under his thumb again. Once he succeeds, you'll be missing him and he'll focus his efforts on you again.

 

This MM's goal is to be able to control both you & his wife. He will tell you both whatever he thinks you need to hear to support his agenda.

 

Damn. That hit hard.

[Tauriel]

Many great loves are possible. And what we need from our lover changes over time. The man I loved when I was in my 20s is not someone I would want to be with now, unless he has also grown and changed in such a way that we remain compatible. that's the real magic.

 

Exactly! That's why I divorced my ex-H. We had a good run for a while, but we got married at an age when we were still trying to find our way in life. I don't regret the marriage itself; however, I DO regret the three years that I spent hanging on, knowing in my heart that we had done everything possible to make it work, and it wasn't going to work. You reach a point when you just know.

 

Everyone has a very unique way of thinking. I was the BS at the end of our marriage, but my exH had betrayed me in other ways long before his A -- ways that were just as detrimental to my LT welfare, if not worse. His A motivated me into putting an end to it for good, and had it not happened, there's no telling how long I might have lingered, feeling empty and alone.

[mokamint7]

If one spent their energy looking for an available, 100% committed partner, they would find someone

 

I know many single women who have spent years looking for an avaliable, 100% committed partner and haven't found him. So long that they still haven't married, aren't in a relationship, and have reached the age where they no longer believe they'll be able to have children. So just because you look doesn't mean you'll find it. I also never went looking for or wanted an AP. The opportunity presented itself and me being naive at the time took it. Yes I kept going, so I made my decision. I'm also not going to spend my life "looking" for a relationship of any kind (single or AP). If it happens then I'm all for venturing down that path, but until then I'm okay with where I am. I've never wanted to get married. I'm single, I have a relationship that for the most part quenches my need to have someone care about me and take care of me sexually, I teach, I'be bought my own home, I have three amazing young children I adopted from foster care and God continues to bless me. I don't need to find a single man to feel accomplished.

[Poppy47]

Is this for real? The whole scenario sounds like a very bad Tv series.

anyone remember Days of Our Lives?

 

Not reading anymore.

 

Poppy.

[sunburned]

Because you can't always help who you fall in love with. All those faceless, nameless fish mean nothing when who you want with all your heart is already in front of you. Being the OW maybe very painful at times, but the good times, and love and affection you both share is worth that. If there were so many other fish in the sea that were just as great as AP or MM then there wouldn't be affairs. The heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe that's a cope out phrase, but its the truth.

 

This is such a lame, insipid over-used buzz phrase and just wrong. Yes, you can help it. One word: boundaries. If you find out someone is married, you just don't let yourself get too close. If YOU are married, then you don't get too close to the opposite sex.

 

That simple.

 

Live, learn, pass on to Love Shack.

[Ruffian1]

he want treat both good

Do you think he is treating you good? Do you think he is treating his WIFE good?

 

 

I think he just wants to treat himself

 

 

How many kids do you plan on having with him?

[sisa]

did not think about having kids in this stage yet, only when I am very sure what is going on then I would consider have kids, otherwise I feel very complex.

[georgia girl]

Sisa,

 

 

Do you mean to tell us that your partner has a month off of work - a "holiday" so to speak - and he's decided to spend that entire month at home with his wife and children? And he's asked you not to contact him during that time so you don't upset his wife at her request? Further, if you would like to sped some time with him, you're welcome to take time off of work, travel to go see him and he can spend a little time in secret with you during the day while his kids are in school?

 

 

And how is this treating you good?

 

 

Sisa, I have encouraged you to get counseling before and I will encourage you again. We all love someone at some time who is absolutely wrong for us. The healthy emotional thing to do is to recognize that even when that love makes us feel good when it's good, the anxiety, stress and bad times are soul-destroying and not good for us. Thus, we decide to move on. Every one of us - every stinking one of us - when we have to walk away while still loving someone feels that we're walking away from our one true love and that no one else will ever compare. Guess what? We all live to love again and eventually, we find a partner who doesn't just feed our heart, but he feeds our soul and our spirit.

 

 

Please, at least, stop convincing yourself that this man is treating you well. By your own admission, what you desire is a monogamous, loving relationship with this man in which you feel safe, secure and comfortable to have the family you so desire. He is not offering to do anything to make that happen. He is not offering you monogamy. He is not loving only to you. He does not make you feel safe or secure. He may make you laugh, he may profess his undying love and he may buy you things and take you nice places. None of that matters. He won't meet - and he absolutely refuses to try to meet - your most fundamental needs.

 

 

Finally, I have to say, you seem quite willful and a little young for your age. You believe that if this is what your heart wants, this is what it should get. As you age, you will realize that this is truly a fallacy. The heart will want many things for itself. But the mind has the ability to evaluate what is good, sustaining and healthy for you. The heart can make the argument, but the mind has to have the final say. It's how we navigate through life safely.

 

 

This guy, Sisa, does not believe and/or ever want monogamy. Please understand this and realize that fundamentally, that is a deal breaker for you. It's not just this wife and this time. Once you are on the hook and the wife is still safely in place, there will be a new woman, a third to join your ranks and possibly a fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh. For as long as he can charm women, there will be another.

 

 

You are wasting your youth and your love on this man. Ultimately, it may cost you the opportunity to have the family you so desperately desire. Eventually, you have to make adult choices. Please make them now so you can love again.

 

 

I am done posting for you. Your partner - as you describe him - makes my skin crawl. Further, your determination to stay with someone who will deliberately hurt you and to make excuses for his behavior (and kid yourself that he treats you well), I just can't countenance. Moreover, I can't watch it. It bothers me to see someone so desperate and unwilling to help themselves. Good luck, Sisa. Please do not have children with this man until you can make a commitment to your kids that they will have a good, affirming life not caught up in parental drama over issues related to other partners.

[Ruffian1]

Sisa

 

 

You are 34, no?

 

 

You are going to have to have a baby soon, no?

 

 

I honestly don't get it. You won, they are getting a D. He will be living with you. He will marry you, right?

 

 

You need to accept his R with his ex and kids.. He has told you about it all along. He is Ding her reluctantly.

 

 

You won. You got him. Now enjoy it, in other words, you need to sit down and shut up, this is what you signed up for. His exwife is not going to be "friends" with you or his kids, and she is not going away anytime soon. Just accept it. You knew going in this was the deal.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Ruffian1

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been married three times and I can tell you men that cheat have problems. I was beat on treated like dirt waiting for them to come home. Just because a man is married does not mean they are a good catch. I let OW have them and they wished they had not taken my problem. Their is many single men out there and they come along when you are not looking. At this point in my life I have experienced so much with men I will never marry again. Especially a person that is taken and already showing what they are capable of doing. I wish that it was easy enough to tell people what you learned and they listen and learn off you but most learn on their own. Facts are their is just as many men as woman.But why would you want another woman's mess?I no longer will trust another man I was a good loving wife and desired by men but I do not need the hurt. Trust is very important in any relationship and if you do not have that you do not have anything to base a relationship on. Your MM has a problem being faithful and its not because of his wife as you seen and met her. It hurts bad to be cheated on I hope you do not choose that.Good Luck

[MissBee]

Sisa,

 

I'm trying to understand what you're worried about. You asked what his wife is thinking, when I don't really think that what his wife thinks matters much to your situation so much as what HE thinks and ultimately chooses to do. His wife can't make him do things or not do things, it's his decision, so I don't think you should be asking what she is thinking.

 

If his plan was to have you both and you seemed to agree and think this was fine, except his wife doesn't agree so wants to divorce him, why are you worried about their vacation now? What are you scared about? If he was going to have both of you anyway, then what's the issue? He never said he loves you only and doesn't want her, he's always insisted he wants her too and you were fine with this arrangement, so what's wrong? At least now she knows about you two. Also, you still plan to be his secret gf living in another town, what does the vacation change? Are you afraid he will choose her only and leave you?

[Tauriel]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been married three times and I can tell you men that cheat have problems. I was beat on treated like dirt waiting for them to come home. Just because a man is married does not mean they are a good catch. ... But why would you want another woman's mess? ... Your MM has a problem being faithful and its not because of his wife as you seen and met her. It hurts bad to be cheated on I hope you do not choose that.Good Luck

 

I hope that this is something that every OW will have as her takeaway, scatterd. I have been married and divorced twice -- the second one, a real piece of work, was a man who made all of my friends envious: handsome, rich beyond your wildest dreams, a natural "leader", etc., etc., and once that mask dropped, I saw a cold man with a cold heart. I was out of there in less than a year, and everyone thought I was having a psychotic break because I asked nothing from him -- no settlement, just my freedom.

 

Relationships and marriages end for various reasons. I personally think that we need to stop treating divorce like it's a four-letter word. But it's how you treat your spouse that speaks to character. I'm sure I'll get criticized for this, but I (personally) think that once a MM or MW reaches a point in a marriage when they are attracted to/in love with someone else to the point where they act on it, they owe it to their spouse, as a last measure of respect to the spouse, to separate and sort things out. This is not the same thing as having a lull in the marriage, it's a crisis point.

[Quiet Storm]

Sisa,

 

I'm trying to understand what you're worried about. You asked what his wife is thinking, when I don't really think that what his wife thinks matters much to your situation so much as what HE thinks and ultimately chooses to do. His wife can't make him do things or not do things, it's his decision, so I don't think you should be asking what she is thinking.

 

If his plan was to have you both and you seemed to agree and think this was fine, except his wife doesn't agree so wants to divorce him, why are you worried about their vacation now? What are you scared about? If he was going to have both of you anyway, then what's the issue? He never said he loves you only and doesn't want her, he's always insisted he wants her too and you were fine with this arrangement, so what's wrong? At least now she knows about you two. Also, you still plan to be his secret gf living in another town, what does the vacation change? Are you afraid he will choose her only and leave you?

 

I personally think the dynamic has changed and sisa senses it. I think MM was surprised when his wife said she wanted a divorce. He doesn't want that, so he now has to put in more effort and invest more time with his wife. He wants to be in control, and his wife didn't behave according to his plan.

 

His wife obviously isn't cool with just staying for the kids, she knows she deserves better. I think MM is now on a mission to "be better" for his wife, which means his attention will be on his wife and not sisa. If his wife doesn't fall for his charms, he might have to really give up sisa in order to keep his family together. Most MM will try everything to keep both women, but once they realize that's not happening, they'll give up OW in order to keep his wife. The dynamic has changed- MM was playing OW and BS like chess pieces, but now his wife took herself out of the game.

 

Sisa I'm sorry but he wants both. You can choose to tolerate his wife and keep seeing him. But you can't make his wife tolerate you. You can't control how he reacts to her decision.

 

It's like a three legged stool. If you cut off one leg, it falls down. MM is going to try to fix the stool, but what if he can't? All the dynamics are changing now.

[Tauriel]

His wife obviously isn't cool with just staying for the kids, she knows she deserves better. I think MM is now on a mission to "be better" for his wife, which means his attention will be on his wife and not sisa. If his wife doesn't fall for his charms, he might have to really give up sisa in order to keep his family together. Most MM will try everything to keep both women, but once they realize that's not happening, they'll give up OW in order to keep his wife. The dynamic has changed- MM was playing OW and BS like chess pieces, but now his wife took herself out of the game.

 

I am not at all convinced this is 100 percent true. As don't happen in a vacuum; unless a MM is a complete sociopath, marital unhappiness (in which both parties are not having their primary emotional needs met) and As are mutually exclusive.

 

The OW is a threat to the BW, who fears that MM will indeed leave her for someone else. Ergo, her social standing (how she is perceived by her friends and family) and financial status (a lot of BW rely on their Hs for substantial economic support, if their are children) are threatened. And, of course, there's the matter of pride. I think back to my ex-H's A, and how I reacted when I first discovered it. I didn't want him. Not really. Our M was over and done a long time ago. I just didn't want anyone else to have him.

 

Yeah, I know. Pretzel logic.

[Ruffian1]

"And when she know this, she told him she wish during the vacation he don't contact me. MM is conflict because he don't want hurt her more so he said during that month he wish I can support and not contact him."

What does he care what she wants? He can contact you in secret while he is on "vacation" with her. You two where in secret contact all along in the A. So this should be no biggie for him and you. Sneak off for a few minutes in private to chat with you. Make plans without her knowing.

 

 

She can say and wish all she wants, but in the long run the decision to contact you or not is HIS choice.

[Tauriel]

She can say and wish all she wants, but in the long run the decision to contact you or not is HIS choice.

 

And how she chooses to respond to it is HER choice, too. Just my thoughts: if you know you are the BS, you have choices in the matter. No one ever scored cosmic brownie points for being the martyr.

[Gloria_Smellons]

You won. You got him. Now enjoy it, in other words, you need to sit down and shut up, this is what you signed up for. His exwife is not going to be "friends" with you or his kids, and she is not going away anytime soon. Just accept it. You knew going in this was the deal.

 

Essentially this.

 

I personally have never trusted this guys motives, but let's assume that genuinely he thought all three of you could make it work.

 

He told you what the deal was, you accepted it.

He told his wife what the deal was, she didn't accept it. As is her right.

 

So, now according to them both they're getting a divorce. What's your issue exactly, you wanted to be with him legitimately, you're getting your wish. You could've told him at any time that you weren't interested in being with him until he was divorced and single, but you didn't. You could still say that to him even now, but you choose not too. So you're only option here is to suck it up and wait it out. Divorce takes time.

 

I wonder if the reason you seem to constantly question his wife's motives is because you know something isn't adding up, but you can't bear to face the fact that it is actually HIM that is being sketchy. There are red flags all over this, there has been from the start and you just refuse to see them and listen to anyone's opinion when they suggest this man is being anything less than 100% honest with you.

 

As an outside observer nothing you've said about this feels genuine to me. Think. Why would a bunch of random Internet strangers all say similar things about your mm being untrustworthy, perhaps because with the information you've given there are many reasons to think so.

 

I agree with one of the other posters (can't recall who). I think he was taken by surprise when his wife said she wanted to divorce - didnt he say at one point he thought she wouldn't survive without him? I think he absolutely hadn't planned for that scenario and now he's back tracking. I still do not believe he intends to leave his wife, if it happens at all it's because she's leaving him and is forcing the issue.

 

But, regardless of the above, the wife and kids will always be in his life. It will never be just you and him. He's always made that clear and you've always maintained that you accept it. If you've changed your mind, as is your right, then leave, but do not go into this situation knowing the facts and then questioning the situation when everything that happens is exactly what he told you to expect. It's like moving to the desert and complaining about the sand.

 

I do wish you luck. I think you deserve far more than this man will ever give you under any circumstance, but I can't make you believe that.

 

P.s. the fact that he has already made comment about giving up so much to be with you when you've given up nothing (he obviously doesn't count your desire for respect, monogamy, honesty and openness as worthy of being mentioned) is another red flag which screams of manipulation. Another red flag you will undoubtedly ignore.

[sisa]

update.

 

last night he told me that kids are uneasy about the situation, kids want he can move back and everyone live together. He told me his wife want to divorce him and the only way she won't divorce is he cut complete with me. He is conflict because he doesnt want kids feel bad about mom and dad seperate.

 

In the other hand, he told me he decide for me, he know once he tell her he won't meet me anymore, she will happy. But he told me it's not the life he want anymore, she and he now are more like partner who want their kids good, but the relationship between them was change and won't going back.

 

He told me I don't need worry, and I should just keep work on our plan. In next month he will meet me anyway and she will know we are together. He just wish I can also consider his part that he want time with kids. I feel a bit better after talk with him.

[Ruffian1]

But he told me it's not the life he want anymore, she and he now are more like partner who want their kids good, but the relationship between them was change and won't going back.

He is telling you the truth I believe. She will never trust him or look at him the same again. He knows this. There will be hurt and damage between their relationship due to his betrayal. It will never be pure and romantic like it was in the beginning (if it ever was), he knows this. And he, unless he is a gigantic NPD, will always feel guilt about her and his kids by what he has done. Just the way it is. You can rest easy now.