sandylee1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Sometimes a BS wants to make the WS suffer for the pain they are going through. So while you don't think it's fair, the BS doesn't think being cheated on was fair either. Many BS will try and bleed the man dry if they can and their revenge for the betrayal is hitting the WS where it hurts, in the pocket. They couldn't care less if the WS is broke and they view it as the price of infidelity. A BS friend of mine said she wouldn't be so demanding if the marriage ended any other way. Divorce is messy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Sisa, am I understanding you right, that he's asking you to support him with 100,000? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Here's the thing, when you marry someone, you forsake all others and throw all of your eggs into that basket. You give up opportunities that you otherwise would have taken because you are with the spouse and those opportunities don't work out for both of you. I'm a lawyer, who hates divorce cases BTW, but my fees factor in that by taking on this client, I have to limit the number of other client's I take. Therefore, the XW had an expectation interest in a certain lifetime lifestyle with her spouse. He cheated and is not leaving her for you. Fine. Still, he owes her and she has a right to expect the things that she would have gotten. I know men who leave the older wife for the new younger wife. Well, they have to pay. Its the cost of business. You can't alter the trajectory of someone's life and expect them to just keep it moving. There is a reason that they say "its cheaper to keep her". Put another way, just because you didn't watch the whole movie does not mean that your ticket cost less. Yes, he was her meal ticket, but that was the deal when they entered the marriage. Your love is gonna cost, but her love cost too. I completely agree. Even with my xMM, I had visited the thought with agreement that if he ever were to divorce, the man would be almost broke after paying his W alimony (they've been married for a long time and she doesn't work) and child support for 3 kids. I understand that probably more than him and would have still taken him, I wouldn't care. The deal would have probably broke his spirit more than mine though and made him depressed, and a depressed/miserable man is dealbreaker for me. Life is too short to be cranky or sad all the time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think a few posters already told you on a prior thread that based on what the MM was saying about wanting to support his family it was going to cost you too. Everyone could see this coming. As I recall your MM didn't want to divorce and he plans to spend the next month at home with his family and you are not to expect much contact. I wonder if your MM isn't making up these demands just to make you back off so he can stay married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 It is normally split 50/50 of all assets. . Does he have a lawyer? Sisa, he has told so many lies. Are you sure he isn't after your money? Has he asked you to help him buy her a house or give him huge amounts of money? I don't like that he said you and him should buy her a house. He doesn't have lawyer, he said he doesn't want spend the extra money for that. but she has lawyer, and she use his money to pay lawyer. He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. I have some saving but I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think that would be called alimony AND child support, not just alimony. Is he looking less attractive now that he will have less money? because this is real, He will have a lot less money. I love him is not because of his money, so it's fine after he divorce I contribute our life more, I don't mind that. I just don't like the idea that put my money on her, she has well functional brain and hands, she just too lazy for work and don't have ability to find the job she want to have. I told MM I don't feel we should debt and buy her a house out of our ability, she ask too much. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 He doesn't have lawyer, he said he doesn't want spend the extra money for that. but she has lawyer, and she use his money to pay lawyer. He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. I have some saving but I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. If he's asking you to buy her a house, I'd refuse. She is his problem, not yours. Salving his conscience and appeasing her desire for revenge is something he needs to deal with. Making it a relationship issue between the two of you is a sure-fire way to undermine your R - which is no doubt what she's hoping for. If you've got the money to spend, I'd invest it in buying him a good, hard nosed lawyer, rather than buying her a house. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I am re-reading your post- 5K as half his income and 500K don't add up too well unless he is really good at investing or this is the value of his home and retirement- something is not right with his story to you- I do not think 5K is an unreasonable amount for support-depending on where you live- where I am if I did not work there is no way I could get by on 5K and keep the house, etc... If you are going to take on debt with this guy, you need to see his balance sheet- something really doesn't add up here- I don't have any problem about he pay 5K per month, he can pay 6K too. I just don't feel it's reasonable we need debt and provide her a house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 He doesn't have lawyer, he said he doesn't want spend the extra money for that. but she has lawyer, and she use his money to pay lawyer. He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. I have some saving but I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. I've never heard anything like this and frankly, I would laugh my head off and dump anyone who suggested I give them $100,000 to buy a house for their ex/stbxw. Where is this done? How is this not insulting to you? Why is it your job to give him $100,000???? This is insane... I am leaning towards agreeing with anika, it almost seems like MM doesn't know how to just be upfront and honest and say maybe he's changing his mind so he instead tells you about these ridiculous blocks at every turn, month long vacations where he cannot speak to you at all and now oh sorry, you have to give me $100,000. Use your brain sisa... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 He doesn't have lawyer, he said he doesn't want spend the extra money for that. but she has lawyer, and she use his money to pay lawyer. He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. I have some saving but I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. Is he saying he wants you to help him buy her a house? If so, then no. They don't own a home which makes me think they couldn't afford it. That would mean using you to get her one. Don't do that Sisa. The only home you should help buy is your own. Please don't give him money. I am very afraid he will get money from you to buy a house then stay with her. You have to put a stop to some things even if you want to be with him. This is one of those things. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 And let us not forget, for those who seem to be painting his wife as the scheming conniving one attempting to undermine sisa and MM's relationship, that the MM NEVER wanted to just be with sisa. This is an important part that can't be elided from the whole story. From DAY ONE he has told sisa he wants BOTH his wife and her. He has always said this. He brought it up to his wife and naturally his wife told him he can eff off and she's divorcing him...so if we're being reasonable and logical it makes more sense that some of this tomfoolery is MM backpedaling and scrambling because his initial "I'll have you and my wife and you all will be sister wives" plan hasn't worked out. He may want sisa but he also doesn't want to give up his wife, he never did, this was never the plan. It was NOT a case of I hate my wife, she's a strew, let me do all I can to leave. It's always been, from all sisa's threads, that he wants both of them and thought this could somehow be worked out. Since his wife threw a wrench into that plan, I'm sure he didn't just all of a sudden realize he now doesn't want her, so let's take that into consideration as we think about the updates and what he's saying and doing. Given all that, I would caution you sisa to be more suspicious of him. While in some people's cases the MM was longing to rid himself of his wife, in your case this wasn't what MM wanted so you have to weigh his current actions and what he's saying given that as well. The very fact that he never wanted to lose his wife to begin with is also probably why he will go out of his way to appease her and it's up to you to decide if you're fine with it all. And I would also wager that say you pay the $100,000, he gives her $5,000, plus $500,000 and the rest, the financial aspect is but part of it. His kids are small and he is still pretending like all is well to them, so will you be happy to sign up for more month long vacations where he can't talk to you, even when divorced? His wife and kids and that dynamic (as well as his original desire to have both of you) won't just all of a sudden vanish once the D papers are signed, will you be fine with all the rest of interactions, communication and involvement he will have with her and their family? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 DO NOT give him $100 000 to buy her a house. Keep your savings safe. He may dump you for her or he may just dump you full stop and then where would you be? How would you ever get the money back? If he has no lawyer then how is he going to be buying property? Or is he just going to hand your $100 000 to her? Don't get involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I love him is not because of his money, so it's fine after he divorce I contribute our life more, I don't mind that. I just don't like the idea that put my money on her, she has well functional brain and hands, she just too lazy for work and don't have ability to find the job she want to have. I told MM I don't feel we should debt and buy her a house out of our ability, she ask too much. A lot of times the wife gives up her career and opportunities to raise the children. She misses out on earning her own money and her employment skills diminish as a result. Then a husband cheats and leaves, so at a late age she has to go to college (when the brain is not as sharp and she has to study with young kids) or work an unskilled job to survive. You give a man your youthful years, then get dumped after infidelity and that's not fair at all. This is why alimony was invented. It was primarily women that were left poor when a marriage ended. However, DON'T give him money to buy a house for his wife. That's madness. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 There is absolutely no way I'd ever buy an ex-W of my man a house. His financial obligations as a result of their divorce are HIS responsibility. I can make HIS life easier by providing what he can't for US, but no way would I fork over my money directly to her. Nope. Nuh uh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 If you give him $100,000 you might as well light a match and burn it. Because it will be gone, gone, gone... trust me I know this from personal experience. The fact that he even asked you to do this should send you running. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. Why don't you understand? Probably because: He cheated on her and feels bad about it He loves her He feel guilt about the D and hurting her He wants to look like a good guy to her and kids but mostly he still cares about taking care of her and kids and is being generous. partly to easy his guilt too. Or perhaps he still wants both of you. . . in the long run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 If you give him $100,000 you might as well light a match and burn it. Because it will be gone, gone, gone... trust me I know this from personal experience. The fact that he even asked you to do this should send you running. Quoted for truth Looks like his love has dollar figures attached to it. Wow. Ballsy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Their divorce and settlement is between them, so whatever he decides you support, like it or not. Respectfully, you get no say in this. She is the mother of his children and even though there's going to be a divorce, she will still be in his life. They have to co parent together and be on good terms for the kids sake. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 I did a similar thing except without the cheating and remarrying. I wasn't emotionally ready for the union to end and the outcome was exactly what you would expect. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 There are so many red flags in your story and even just in this thread, as many posters have noted. There's another smaller one that I see. He doesn't have a lawyer? In this day and age, who gets D without a lawyer? You've said he's well off, you've said he's paying for one for his W. Sorry, but this (and his vacation of silence) makes me think he isn't really getting ready for D. Even if he is, there's an old adage in the states that goes something like this: "He who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for a client." I'm sick to my stomach that he's basically asking you for a bribe of $100K to leave his wife. As Miss Bee said, "use your brain!" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 I have not got time reading all replies, but I am quite shocking your MM asking you to provide 100,000 - sorry in what currency? Hopefully you do not mean USD? It is common sense that in any situation if a man asks a woman for $$, he does not really have interest in her for real relationship. You should run. MM has good income, but MM told me his saving now is around 20000, near empty in fact. now he spend 5000 per month to provide his separate wife and two kids in hometown, they are not spending type but I guess they are just not so well to manage their finance. Now they are discussing the divorce contract, and she ask for 500,000 from MM and saying it's for her security. MM agreed will keep the monthly support for her (which is more than 50% of his income), kids education (extra), and now MM told me we should provide her the house, and he wish me can support 100,000. I thought the divorce term normally is separate half asset to the ex, and provide reasonable monthly support, I don't understand why MM feel this is reasonable when he cannot afford this and we need to debt. I told him we can buy house for her when we have money, why she need immediately now, because they rent the house now, and MM also pay all of it. Is her intention is make he and me poor and debt? Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Still I have not finishing reading any replies after this one, but I have to jump in again, NO, DO NOT take one cent from pocket, or the result is quite clear - you will loose the relationship you want AND you will lose money. Simple is that. He doesn't have lawyer, he said he doesn't want spend the extra money for that. but she has lawyer, and she use his money to pay lawyer. He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. I have some saving but I just don't understand why he need to pay her more than she should have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 This is a plan between the two of them to swindle you out of a down payment for a house. Run. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Totally agree. Now I have a thought - Sisa, are you sure this MM is not the ally with his wife, to scam $$ from you? Have precaution always good. I've never heard anything like this and frankly, I would laugh my head off and dump anyone who suggested I give them $100,000 to buy a house for their ex/stbxw. Where is this done? How is this not insulting to you? Why is it your job to give him $100,000???? This is insane... I am leaning towards agreeing with anika, it almost seems like MM doesn't know how to just be upfront and honest and say maybe he's changing his mind so he instead tells you about these ridiculous blocks at every turn, month long vacations where he cannot speak to you at all and now oh sorry, you have to give me $100,000. Use your brain sisa... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) Sounds a bit like a con artist/scam move. If/when you buy her a house... There's nothing that states he won't return to her - and then that have had you to buy them a house! Nothing good comes from dating a MM. And staying completely away is always best until AFTER their D is final. Just end it with him completely until well after his D is finished! He shouldn't be asking you for ANYTHING right now. It's HIS divorce - he should put on his big boy pants and handle it himself. Have you seen his divorce papers? I don't think he's divorcing her...you stated in a prior thread he's taking a month long vacation with her. He's not divorcing - he's scamming you! Edited May 7, 2015 by beach 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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