cocorico Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Their divorce and settlement is between them, so whatever he decides you support, like it or not. Respectfully, you get no say in this. She is the mother of his children and even though there's going to be a divorce, she will still be in his life. They have to co parent together and be on good terms for the kids sake. WWIU, I'm going to (respectfully) differ from you on this. Sure, a D settlement *should* just be between the two divorcing parties, but by virtue of Sisa's ongoing R with the MM, and *because he has made it her business by asking her to contribute*, she very much does have a say in this. Which, IMO, should be "no". It should also involve, calmly and coherently, what she expects his continued R with her to look like - including her own demands on his time, his financial situation (if that applies - in some cases it does very much) and his future R with the xW. Of course he's free to ignore her, just as she's free to walk away if he can't or won't undertake to provide her with the R she wants. But at the very least, she gets a say - because he's dragged her into this by asking her to provide. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 He asked me to support 100,000 to buy her a house, which I don't want doing that. It's getting real now. But you love him and he loves you. He can pay you back eventually, no? Make him sign an agreement that it is a loan to be repaid. Where is the trust and unconditional love and support? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Can you clarify something- as I re-read the OP- what does the "I support 100K for a house" does that mean you are OK with HIM giving her the $ from his pocket or he wants YOU to give her $? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 WWIU, I'm going to (respectfully) differ from you on this. Sure, a D settlement *should* just be between the two divorcing parties, but by virtue of Sisa's ongoing R with the MM, and *because he has made it her business by asking her to contribute*, she very much does have a say in this. Which, IMO, should be "no". It should also involve, calmly and coherently, what she expects his continued R with her to look like - including her own demands on his time, his financial situation (if that applies - in some cases it does very much) and his future R with the xW. Of course he's free to ignore her, just as she's free to walk away if he can't or won't undertake to provide her with the R she wants. But at the very least, she gets a say - because he's dragged her into this by asking her to provide. Well if she is foolish enough to pay for the MM's divorce through helping him buy a house and paying support, then I suppose she gets a say because it is after all, her money. However one would hope that she's smarter than that. If she doesn't give the money then she doesn't get a say. Also any say she has will only be between her and the MM. When a divorce is put into action and goes to court, no judge is going to give 2 hoots what Sisa has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 7, 2015 Author Share Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) He say he love her and me, he want to keep both, so the best wish from him is he can marry two, he can do that in religion way, but need first wife accept. He say he cannot divorce her because she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't accept this arrangement that's why she want divorce, we did meet twice and she told me she is preparing files and also see attorny, and will divorce in summer, which is 3 months later. He will be in home town soon and he told me he ask her if want divorce this month, she said she doesn't want, I don't know why. So they will have a month together, MM said he will still meet me if the situation at home is stable. He say I should not worry because the situation is very clear, however I afraid this month after they see each other everyday, things will change. He tell me now they are talking about the life after divorce, and she afraid he will give all his money to me later, and because of security, she ask for a house. MM say he don't have money now and need to debt, he wish I can also provide 100K, share this loading. He said he want to make things clear one time, instead put this house things for 10 years issue. Sometimes I think if I can just provide 100K, and make thing clear is not bad, he said this money will provide after divorce, if later we don't marry, he will return me the money. If I don't support then he is really hard to buy the house for her and she will make problem. He say he feel bad need to ask me for this, but he don't have other source. He know I can afford this amount, and sometimes I feel if just spend money can let thing easier is not bad, just my heart feel not so well, sometimes he told me he don't want give her the house, but the other time he say he wish provide her the house, I think because this make him feel he is good man. Edited May 7, 2015 by sisa Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Your answer should still be NO! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 He say he love her and me, he want to keep both, so the best wish from him is he can marry two, he can do that in religion way, but need first wife accept. He say he cannot divorce her because she didn't do anything wrong. . So she didn't do anything wrong, yet he found himself a girlfriend. In a few years time, you will have done nothing wrong and he'll get another girlfriend. You will be in his wife's position in the future and by his own admission it won't be because you've done anything wrong. Just think about that. You say religion? Are you muslim? What currency is the 100,000? You should not give him the money. You will always have problems from his wife and you will very likely regret it. Why don't you leave this relationship and find a single man? I feel there is much pain ahead for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 He say he love her and me, he want to keep both, so the best wish from him is he can marry two, he can do that in religion way, but need first wife accept. He say he cannot divorce her because she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't accept this arrangement that's why she want divorce, we did meet twice and she told me she is preparing files and also see attorny, and will divorce in summer, which is 3 months later. He will be in home town soon and he told me he ask her if want divorce this month, she said she doesn't want, I don't know why. So they will have a month together, MM said he will still meet me if the situation at home is stable. He say I should not worry because the situation is very clear, however I afraid this month after they see each other everyday, things will change. He tell me now they are talking about the life after divorce, and she afraid he will give all his money to me later, and because of security, she ask for a house. MM say he don't have money now and need to debt, he wish I can also provide 100K, share this loading. He said he want to make things clear one time, instead put this house things for 10 years issue. Sometimes I think if I can just provide 100K, and make thing clear is not bad, he said this money will provide after divorce, if later we don't marry, he will return me the money. If I don't support then he is really hard to buy the house for her and she will make problem. He say he feel bad need to ask me for this, but he don't have other source. He know I can afford this amount, and sometimes I feel if just spend money can let thing easier is not bad, just my heart feel not so well, sometimes he told me he don't want give her the house, but the other time he say he wish provide her the house, I think because this make him feel he is good man. Your English isn't great, which is fine but I'm struggling here. If I understand you correctly, he broached his W about having you as a "sister wife" of sorts. She understandably said no, but then she knew he had someone on the side and asked for a divorce. He has said all along he wouldn't divorce. Now he's being forced (perhaps) into D because his W realized she married a loser. He is now yours by default. That means he decided to be with you only because she would not longer have him. Do you understand that concept? You keep making excuses for every hurdle you have to clear with him to make your R work. Now that hurdle is $100K!! That hurdle rate is Way. Too. High. By the way, most folks take on debt to buy a house. It's called getting a mortgage. Their divorce settlement is between them. You may choose to accept marrying him knowing his income will be drastically reduced, but you DO NOT pay her to set him free. Or pay him off to leave her, however you want to look at it. As others have said, you would also put yourself at risk for being scammed. If you are foolish enough to do it, please get a lawyer yourself and make sure there is an ironclad agreement between you so he must pay you back. Maybe it's because English isn't your first language but you seem beyond naive to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 This is easy, and you do not even need to think about all the messy details of his marriage and your affair. The simple rule for lending money is this.......Lend someone money only if you can afford to lose it and will not care if you do lose it. A contract will not protect you 100% because if he later does not have the money to pay you back you still will not get it back or you will get it back so slowly and erratically that it will feel the same as not getting it back. There problem solved. If you are independently wealthy, wont be hurt by losing it and are ok with buying yourself a man, give it to him. Otherwise, and what seems the smarter thing based on all the info you have provided, run like the wind far away from him and his messed up life/ideas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Islamic marriages, carry Islamic dissolution. Is that how its going to proceed for them ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Sisa, do not give him 100,000. No,no,no. You believe this will make life easier for you to be with him. It will not. Please ask your family what they think. Do not give on this. It will not open the door for the two of you. He is not even promising to marry you. He says he will pay it back if you do not marry. Why would he think you wouldn't ? You do not give anyone that kind of money unless you are married and it is for your future. This is not for your future. How would you get a house for you two later? I know you want a house for the children you want. He should NEVER have asked for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 He say he cannot divorce her because she didn't do anything wrong. He is saying this according to his religion? right? If she had committed adultery he would have his "wrong" and be in the right to D her. I didn't think muslim? women where allowed to file for D from a husband. She is filing for a legal (American) D. The way I understood it, the men can D a W for most any reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 STDs should be avoided at all cost... And that includes sexually transmitted DEBT. Really bugs me when women do t protect themselves financially and then get rolled. We've all given you advice. You give him that money consider it a gift. You won't se a penny back. Someone who had your best interests at heart wouldn't ask you to do this. He'd be asking HER to take on her share. You're being a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Sisa - as someone was with a guy during the divorce stage, my best advice is NO. Do not get involved, do not solve his problems, this is his baby to rock not yours. What he is requesting is unreasonable and no court would require that of him either so his desire to go so much above and beyond is just ridiculous. If he needs 100K then he can try and secure a loan himself. Do NOT put it in your name, give him your money, etc. Please, take a step back and don't try and solve his problems, you can't. Let him figure it out, both of you will ultimately be much happier about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 You are mad at the stbxw, but I think it's just unbelievable to most of us that HE is asking you of all people to help him take care of her, when she is clearly your adversary. Please don't lose your sanity like he hopes you will and do this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He say he cannot divorce her because she didn't do anything wrong. Well that's true. Also if he wanted you as much as you wanted him than he would be the one to divorce and he wouldn't be asking you for money to buy he ex a house. She doesn't accept this arrangement that's why she want divorce. And why should she? Why are you willing to accept it??? And OMG why are you still with this guy? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I will make this simple. Do not lend or give this man any money for any reason. DO NOT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 yes, I told him that I won't use my money to support her house thing, I said I will use my money to buy our house. This month is very important, after their one month live together, I think many things will be clear and settle down. His kids still want him to bring the family together, so ask him to bring them to his city, and he promise me will let them stay in home town with mom, and he say the wife still want divorce and now he want divorce too. Link to post Share on other sites
fllygirl Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Once he convinces you that he is about to get divorce he will come back and ask for your money again. Be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 he got the mail from divorce lawyer yesterday, the wife ask a lot money which he doesnt have now. now he earn around 10K a month (before tax), but he don't have saving. wife ask 5K per month, kids tuition is not including yet. and ask for 600K extra, which he impossible to have it now. How we can do with this? Is asking this is readable ? Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I think you should DECIDE that you don't want him! Seriously, get smart already!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 You can ask for anything in a divorce. It doesn't mean she will get it. It is not likely she will get 50% of his income. Here the max you can get is 30%. She won't get 600,000 if he doesn't have that. People ask for money but it comes from retirement accounts, savings, investments,property,etc. You normally split those things. So if he has none of them then she can't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Sisa - There is just so much baggage with this man. Can you really say he's worth all the stress you'll suffer? You will have the ex wife and kids as part of your relationship for many many more years to come. Birthdays, school productions, graduations, weddings. ........... Think long and hard about this. Try speaking to your friends and family about it. See what those who love you think about this. Edited May 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Have you seen the papers or is this just another little plot twist for him to either 1. get money from you 2. prolong the divorce 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 he asked me do I want to see the mail, I say no need. So he read the mail to me. I trust him, he doesn't need to lie me this. Link to post Share on other sites
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