Been awhile and nothings changed

[ajeh1234]

Hello I'm back again, I posted here probably a few months back and some people gave some good advice and I tried to follow through on some of it but to no avail, life still sucks.

 

First off I thought I was mildly depressed, life was bland and boring and nothing I did helped. Someone gave some advice along the line of getting a job as it would help, and I did but the thing is I had to quit. Now this may sound dumb but I have no confidence in anything that I do anymore, this is new I never felt like this before in my life. I went to work at a warehouse that a friend helped me get a job at. And it was a decent enough job, it payed well and it was easy enough. But there was one small problem, I had no confidence in myself, basically the job is simple and I have done very similar things before no problem, but this time I couldn't bring myself to do anything, I couldn't fill out paperwork, or operate forklift or anything without doubting myself and questioning my ability to do these things. At first I thought it was just the atmosphere but then my brother offered me a job, he owns a small taxi company, he said it pays well enough and it's simple you just drive around in a small town. So I worked for him for about 2 hours and had to leave I was panicked, I couldn't stop thinking about how bad of a driver I was. This is also new to me, I am a good driver, atleast I used to believe myself to be, but now I couldn't even drive for more then a few hours without panicking and having to quit. Then there's my old hobby, video games, I have spent many hours of my youth playing those things. But I have the same problem with them, I picked up where I left off in an old game and got into a boss fight and was nervous as hell trying to do it, I wasn't sure what to do and I had to turn the PS2 off.

 

So I think I am just afraid of responsibility or making my own decisions. I used to like taking charge and I have no idea when I started being like this, actually I think that may have been why I left my last job before these ones, because I was in line for a promotion and was afraid of it? But it was too long ago and I don't remember exactly.

 

This can't be normal right? To question yourself is fine, but when it interferes with everything then I should probably goto a doctor, but then again I don't want to head off to the doctor for fear that he may say that nothing is wrong with me. This is partially due to the fact that no one seems to know that something is wrong with me, I don't spend alot of time with anyone in particular other then my roommates and even around them I talk alot and am quite arrogant, but when I'm by myself with no one around I just revert to some sort of coward.

 

Basically I think I'm just looking to put a name on what I think is wrong with me, and possibly some support if it is actually something that I should take medication for.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and responds in advance.

[Marshbear]

I would see a doctor. When your depression starts interfering with daily activities ( like work ) then it is time for professional help. It is not your fault. You just need help getting your self back on track. Depression can be debilitating and is nothing to be ashamed about. Get help and you will recover and feel good about yourself.

[iwishiknewthen]

hi

 

i am sorry you are going thru these troubles. i went thu something similar a long time ago. it wasn't with a job, because i was just a homemaker, but it interfered with shopping, driving etc. i think it does have to do with being depressed and having low confidence. i must say it all changed when i got happy. someone was giving me attention and i felt stronger and more daring and that helped.

but there were other ways i got out of it. i would stay away from bad news till my nerves calmed down. i would watch good uplifting programs, listen to dreamy soothing music. i would listen to music that sparked a good feeling in me when i was stronger in childhood, and that would make me relive that feeling. i would tell at least one non judgmental friend what i was going thru because when i didn't have to hide that feeling so much, it was less pressure on me. i kept a journal of thing i DID do and didn't even put down the things i didn't do. i would always focus on the positive things and NOT compare myself to others but to how far I came little by little everyday. i would find a way to laugh at my fears so they became less frightening and would look so grand, because they really were blown out of proportion to some degree. i used to talk to a social worker, but it got tired for me after a while. but therapy can be good if you go to someone good..i am sure. also try hard to envision yourself doing the things you used to do and see yourself succeeding in it. just pretend..just imagine. and then believe it!!! don't see how you can possibly fail. trust you CAN succeed. pray and believe God or a Higher Power hears you. and trust the embrace of that higher power is with you daily to bring you comfort and peace. dont do everything all at once. do things a little bit at a time. good luck. i pray you find the peace and joy you are looking for and dont give up trying to get there. one step .....................everyday.

[whichwayisup]

Basically I think I'm just looking to put a name on what I think is wrong with me, and possibly some support if it is actually something that I should take medication for.

 

Depression and social anxiety (or any anxiety disorder) is really difficult to deal with when it starts interferring in your daily life...Trust me -Boy do I ever know.

 

Talk to your doctor about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This kind of therapy does work well and if you need to go on medication, that's OK too.

 

Feel free to PM or ask me any questions. I've been doing CBT for over a year now (I have an anxiety disorder) and it has helped me so much...Still have some rough days but mostly good ones.

 

Keep posting and venting it out when you need to. Getting negative thoughts out (Start a daily journal) really makes a difference.

[ajeh1234]

Alright, thanks for the help people but I think I'll just head off to the doctor.

 

I'm not sure as I don't really have any experience in this but I think I've been suicidal for a long time now, but just realized it. I've always seemed to have thoughts about maybe stepping out in traffic, or other various ways of killing myself but never acted on any of them. However a few days ago I went out with some friends to the firing range(good place to go) and we rented a couple pistols and bought some ammo. The problem with this is that while shooting I was only really thinking about turning the gun on myself and pulling the trigger, I was shaking but I thought it would be easiest, as a bullet would be quick and probably painless. But I never really thought about it till last night.

 

So thinking back now it seems that I've been planning suicide for quite awhile but only recently has the easiest method become available and it was so close but I couldn't do it, I didn't even feel bad about wanting to do it either. I was rationally thinking of sticking a gun to my head an pulling the trigger and the thought didn't bother me. I stayed up all last night thinking about this and how messed up it is, I thought suicide was a emotional mess where you just do it for no reason really. Yet after I thought about it it freaked me out a little bit and I started to write good byes to people that I know off various internet sites and was actually thinking I should write a note and swallow a couple bottles of pills. But this didn't really appeal either, it just didn't seem right. But me and my friend have plans to go back to the shooting range again and even though I want to say no I can't.

 

Is this messed up or what? I really can't think of more then a handful of bad reasons to live and most of those I don't really believe myself. So how do people cope with this? I could see it being easier if I was irrational and emotional but I'm cool headed and have things planned out, the only thing sort of wrong with me is I feel somewhat nauseous but that is only a slight irritation.

 

So I was thinking that maybe I should go see my doctor for some help but last time I went I waited about 4 hours to see him and that was for a minor problem, this time I'm not sure if I could sit for that long as I've been moving around alot lately and haven't been able to sit still. So is there any other place to go maybe? I know that I should probably get help and probably get medication, but then again I have been at home for the last while and have no health insurance( this is in Canada BTW) and thus my money is stretched pretty thin, although I have a decent tax refund coming in a few weeks I think, or I could borrow money. Does anyone know how much anti-depressants are or does it sound like I might not even need any?

 

Can anyone help me out here?

[ajeh1234]

Well I'm not sure if anyone read that last post and if you did then I can say that hopefully things will get better. I went to the doctor today and got him to give me some help, he gave me some medication and said that in about two weeks to come back and see if there was an improvement.

 

So I can only hope that things will improve, thanks for the help.