New Here, hoping to find answers on dealing with this sad EA

[LovelyBrown]

I remember when I began to have these feelings, it was like I woke up and saw him for the first time, even tho he had been around for a year. He had made a joke about me and made a meme that said "Hello, my dream girl" it was a picture of a celebrity, he looked over his shoulder and gave me this look and smile, I was lost.

 

I tried to deal with it professionally, pretend it wasn't there, but I started to get closer to him, text about work, emailing about work, I would look forward to his visits, he was never flirty over email/text but our communication while at work was charged with great energy. Then, in December when he was distant and not so into me I fell like this was my chance to "get over him". All over Christmas he and I didn't see each other or spoke, in January my husband and I took a vacation I was hoping this would make me forget completely about him, and I sort of did, I never really though about him that entire time.

 

Then a few weeks after vacation I saw him again (he does contract work for my company) and he came back as a different person. More open, willing to talk and happy. This sucked me back in and hard this time, as he was now sharing really deep personal things. I invited him to come out for my birthday and he told he couldn't get away from home, but it was the first time he sent me an email during a weekend to wish me a happy birthday. I started using ALL the excuses to email/text him but I could tell this was not his favorite form of communication because his answers were always short and to the point, but every time I saw him at work he's pouring all his feelings out to me.

 

A few weeks back we were out getting a coffee (nothing physical), and I guess his wife saw us, because when I asked him a few days later, if he wanted to meet up and go for a walk so we could chat about a problem he was dealing with, he said he couldn't because his wife saw us and was asking Qs. He seems to think we can continue being friends at work! I feel like a part of me got ripped out, I haven't had any contact from him aside for him adding me to a social media site to which I sent him a message but he never responded...WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?! I haven't heard from him in a week, saw him at work but I couldn't bear to make eye contact with him.

 

This is killing me, how could all of this mean nothing to him and be able to walk away without ever saying anything else? Was this just a work friendship that I read completely wrong? He said things to me he hadn't even spoken to his wife about. I feel like I lost a friend. I know I need to work on my marriage, although I'm sure mine is over, it's been over for quite sometime.

 

But, how long before I get over this? I battle all day with messaging him to see how he's doing. This is my first time posting, thank you for any advise you may provide.

Edited May 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them

[jen1447]

I doubt he doesn't care, he's just keeps taking steps back out of fear. Both of you after all are playing with fire and tiptoeing around outside your marriages.

 

I try not to preach, but I do think you'd be best served by boxing him out and putting a stop to the little workplace romance you've got here before it goes any further. Your marriage may be over, but it's not over yet by the sound, so you owe it to your husband and yourself to conduct yourself appropriately. It doesn't sound like the other guy really has anything substantial to give anyway, unless you're satisfied becoming and staying the OW.

[whatatangledweb]

Gently, was this a one sided EA? Meaning that you thought it was more than he did? I don't see an EA in what you wrote about him. Was there talk of just you and him as in a loving way or was it just a friend he was sharing too much info with?

[Eighty_nine]

I think you should feel relieved that it's over, that it didn't turn into a PA and bring a whole lot of hurt to everyone.

[LovelyBrown]

I doubt he doesn't care, he's just keeps taking steps back out of fear. Both of you after all are playing with fire and tiptoeing around outside your marriages.

 

I try not to preach, but I do think you'd be best served by boxing him out and putting a stop to the little workplace romance you've got here before it goes any further. Your marriage may be over, but it's not over yet by the sound, so you owe it to your husband and yourself to conduct yourself appropriately. It doesn't sound like the other guy really has anything substantial to give anyway, unless you're satisfied becoming and staying the OW.

 

Thank you for responding. I know my hubs deserves a chance and doesn't deserved this. I didn't ask to be where I am. I'm just wondering how long before I get over this, and wondered if maybe possibly all of this was some made up fantasy by my brain.

[Quiet Storm]

He is setting boundaries because he wants to stay married. Your marriage is over in your mind, but his marriage is not over in his mind.

 

 

He said things to me he hadn't even spoken to his wife about.

 

I think people read way too much into this. Sometimes when people overshare, it just means that they don't care what you think about them. For example, lets say he's having job problems. He may not want to worry his wife, and knows you have no vested interest in his income or career. Another common overshare topic is sexual kinks. A guy may be interested in something and is afraid his wife will lose respect for him if he admits it, so he shares it with someone else to see what their reaction is.

 

It sounds like he enjoyed talking & sharing with you, but now realizes he was on a slippery slope. His wife seeing you made him realize what he could lose, and he wants to stay married. Another possibility is that he saw that you were getting feelings for him and made up the story about his wife seeing you. He may have thought it was fun to share & be flirty with you because you were married and "safe". When he saw that you were done with your marriage, he realized you weren't a good candidate for "harmless flirting" because you might get expectations (he would've been right, because now you feel disappointed).

 

I feel like a part of me got ripped out

 

It's not good to be so dependent on his attention that you feel this way. It's fine to be disappointed that you lost a friend, but that sounds extreme. You were a lot more emotionally invested in this than he was. Men often have no problem compartmentalizing, so it's not difficult for them to pour their hearts out to another woman and suddenly switch that off & go into marriage mode or work mode. You did that yourself when you went on vacation- you were busy & having fun so you barely thought about him. However, I think that generally, women often feel a greater need to integrate their lives & emotions and they want feelings to mean something.

 

You should accept that what you shared is over and focus on resolving the issues in your life. I think that the reason this became so emotionally important to you is because you used it to escape the real problems in your marriage. It's probably not really "him" that you fell for, as a person. I think you instead fell for the attention & the possibilities that he opened in your mind.

[LovelyBrown]

Gently, was this a one sided EA? Meaning that you thought it was more than he did? I don't see an EA in what you wrote about him. Was there talk of just you and him as in a loving way or was it just a friend he was sharing too much info with?

 

Well, that maybe a real possibility... Although I felt I could tell by the way he acted towards me and looked at me, sometimes you just know. But, we never spoke about our feelings until our last talk where he said he better "not piss her off" he rarely spoke of her in a loving way. Anyways, I don't know.

[LovelyBrown]

He is setting boundaries because he wants to stay married. Your marriage is over in your mind, but his marriage is not over in his mind.

 

 

 

 

I think people read way too much into this. Sometimes when people overshare, it just means that they don't care what you think about them. For example, lets say he's having job problems. He may not want to worry his wife, and knows you have no vested interest in his income or career. Another common overshare topic is sexual kinks. A guy may be interested in something and is afraid his wife will lose respect for him if he admits it, so he shares it with someone else to see what their reaction is.

 

 

 

It sounds like he enjoyed talking & sharing with you, but now realizes he was on a slippery slope. His wife seeing you made him realize what he could lose, and he wants to stay married. Another possibility is that he saw that you were getting feelings for him and made up the story about his wife seeing you. He may have thought it was fun to share & be flirty with you because you were married and "safe". When he saw that you were done with your marriage, he realized you weren't a good candidate for "harmless flirting" because you might get expectations (he would've been right, because now you feel disappointed).

 

 

 

It's not good to be so dependent on his attention that you feel this way. It's fine to be disappointed that you lost a friend, but that sounds extreme. You were a lot more emotionally invested in this than he was. Men often have no problem compartmentalizing, so it's not difficult for them to pour their hearts out to another woman and suddenly switch that off & go into marriage mode or work mode. You did that yourself when you went on vacation- you were busy & having fun so you barely thought about him. However, I think that generally, women often feel a greater need to integrate their lives & emotions and they want feelings to mean something.

 

You should accept that what you shared is over and focus on resolving the issues in your life. I think that the reason this became so emotionally important to you is because you used it to escape the real problems in your marriage. It's probably not really "him" that you fell for, as a person. I think you instead fell for the attention & the possibilities that he opened in your mind.

 

Thank you, there's a lot of truth in your post. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think my pride may be a bit hurt. He's a really quiet introverted guy, and what he was sharing with me was details of what he has gone through and his therapy sessions. The last one he told me he was told to move out of his house for a few nights a week to get some time for himself. So, it wasn't things that you would just tell anyone you don't trust.

[RoseVille]

Well, that maybe a real possibility... Although I felt I could tell by the way he acted towards me and looked at me, sometimes you just know. But, we never spoke about our feelings until our last talk where he said he better "not piss her off" he rarely spoke of her in a loving way. Anyways, I don't know.

 

Gently, he sounds like a friendly over-sharer. Just because he doesn't want to piss off his wife for having been around an attractive female, doesn't mean he shares your feelings.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should feel relieved that it's over, that it didn't turn into a PA and bring a whole lot of hurt to everyone.

 

I agree. You both are married and that affair pathway would only lead to cause more pain to you, and to your husband (and children/family unit if you have kids) so on some level it's good the EA didn't get more serious.

 

Focus your energy into connecting with your husband, he is the one who loves you and shares a life with you.

[LovelyBrown]

Gently, he sounds like a friendly over-sharer. Just because he doesn't want to piss off his wife for having been around an attractive female, doesn't mean he shares your feelings.

 

Thank you, these are things that, tho painful, are helpful to hear.

[Grapesofwrath]

Whether he shared some of your feelings, or none of them, his actions tell you what you need to know. Actions speak louder...you know the rest. He is showing you that wants or needs to end the friendship. I'm sure that's painful, and feels like a loss. Particularly if you are unhappy in your marriage, because his friendship may have felt like a replacement for some of the intimacy missing in your life.

 

Whatever his reasons, it's best to move on. Let time do its magic.

[RoseVille]

Whether he shared some of your feelings, or none of them, his actions tell you what you need to know. Actions speak louder...you know the rest. He is showing you that wants or needs to end the friendship. I'm sure that's painful, and feels like a loss. Particularly if you are unhappy in your marriage, because his friendship may have felt like a replacement for some of the intimacy missing in your life.

 

Whatever his reasons, it's best to move on. Let time do its magic.

 

Great advice.

[LovelyBrown]

Whether he shared some of your feelings, or none of them, his actions tell you what you need to know. Actions speak louder...you know the rest. He is showing you that wants or needs to end the friendship. I'm sure that's painful, and feels like a loss. Particularly if you are unhappy in your marriage, because his friendship may have felt like a replacement for some of the intimacy missing in your life.

 

Whatever his reasons, it's best to move on. Let time do its magic.

 

Time is a bitch! Lol.

I just seriously yelled at myself to get it together, thinking and over analyzing ALL. DAY. LONG! I feel like I'm going to have an aneurism, I know that sounds dramatic, but holy hell! Here I am dealing with this while he's off living his life without a care in the world. *sigh*

[lana-banana]

You may have really misinterpreted innocent, friendly gestures on this guy's part. Nothing you wrote makes it sound like he had any romantic or emotional interest in you, and he made a point of keeping you at bay (short texts, only talking at work, etc). At the first inkling of trouble he did the right thing and cut ties out of respect for his wife. If only all men were so honorable! With regards to his confiding in you, it's often easier to vent to total strangers rather than loved ones because strangers don't know us and we don't fear their judgment.

 

I think you need to do some serious introspection to better understand why this non-affair had such an impact on you. This guy was only a work friend but you're mourning him like a lover. Is the end of your marriage making you feel this way? Are you just projecting romantic feelings that used to be for your husband on someone else? What did you want to happen with this guy and why did you believe it would fulfill you?

Edited May 7, 2015 by lana-banana

[LovelyBrown]

You may have really misinterpreted innocent, friendly gestures on this guy's part. Nothing you wrote makes it sound like he had any romantic or emotional interest in you, and he made a point of keeping you at bay (short texts, only talking at work, etc). At the first inkling of trouble he did the right thing and cut ties out of respect for his wife. If only all men were so honorable! With regards to his confiding in you, it's often easier to vent to total strangers rather than loved ones because strangers don't know us and we don't fear their judgment.

 

I think you need to do some serious introspection to better understand why this non-affair had such an impact on you. This guy was only a work friend but you're mourning him like a lover. Is the end of your marriage making you feel this way? Are you just projecting romantic feelings that used to be for your husband on someone else? What did you want to happen with this guy and why did you believe it would fulfill you?

 

You are probably right! Although I wouldn't go as far as calling him honorable. When I asked him how long his wife has been asking Qs he said "a few weeks! because she saw our texts." I was really angry at this, why would he not say anything to me?I'm supposed to be a friend he could trust. Why, if he is worried about his marriage, would he not end it by asking me to cut communication? Why, risk making her angry and go out for coffee with me?!

I think he may have liked me but I understand that I'm in far deeper than he ever thought of being.

 

The problems with my marriage are very complicated, he loves me, he is handsome and still wants me and finds me attractive...I'm just not at the same level of affection as he is anymore. I love him, but as the father of our children and as the friend I've known for 15 years. He's been in and out of deep dark places in the last 7 years and I'm just tired of the work this takes, marriage is constant work. Sometimes I just think that I was not meant to be married, if I ever get divorced I wouldn't do it again.

So, my intention with this other guy was never to take him away from his family or for him to run away with me, he was just nice to chat with and have around. I'm mostly hurt by the fact that what I thought was a friendship meant nothing to him.

[MuddyRock]

Your friendship should mean nothing compared to a marriage. He should forsake all others and you should mean nothing if it makes her upset. Your friendship was casual, he started with the wrong thing and ended with the right thing. The fact you are upset this casual friendship ended proves you have more then friendship on your mind.

My take is he truly was just getting ego strokes by a young attractive women coming onto him. I doubt he really wanted a friend. That is what his wife and guy friends are for.

[m4p]

I totally understand how alluring it is when you get pulled into this bubble of intimacy you thought you had with someone, and that you have a true friendship going on.

 

He might had been in contact with you regularly, but his recent actions NOW is what matters. He is setting clear boundaries between you and his marriage. Platonic friendship is possible, but only if his marriage allows it. In this case, it clearly doesn't, and I will not fault his wife for being upset, because everybody has different thresholds for such things.

 

What I gathered is that he "slipped" and crossed his own line and allowed himself to confide in you intimate details of his life, etc.. but just remember this, if he doesn't love or respect his wife, he wouldn't care about not upsetting her.

 

With all best intentions for you, I really hope you do not continue to encourage any friendship/relationship with him if it is not even reciprocal. What is the point? Is he worth fighting for? Is he really "The One" that you are gonna risk everything for?

 

I am gonna be blunt, but please if you can, don't covet another person's husband. Whatever problems he might have in his life/marriage, that is for him to deal with. The pain of being a run-of-the-mill, full fledged OW is sooooooo not worth it, be glad that perhaps you are still at the stage where it can all be saved.

 

Think of it this way. When YOU are single and ready, and HE (it can be anyone) is single and ready, you can actually have a fulfilling relationship based on trust and openness. Not started from skulking about and lying to one's spouses about their whereabouts. It just doesn't bode well.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you will be able to get through this whole thing unscathed!

[LovelyBrown]

Thanks to everyone for the tough love! It is really helping. Writing things down and reading everyone's point of view puts things into perspective. I believe I can start to move forward. I'm afraid of what will happen when I see him next. I can't avoid him completely because when he comes in the office we work together. I'm hoping I'm able to set my own boundaries with him and say no if he begins to get personal again.

[LovelyBrown]

So when I posted 3 days ago, I came to the conclusion that yes, possibly this EA had been a one way thing.

Anyways, I had to email this guy yesterday because of work, in my email I was nothing but direct about what I needed for work. I must admit, there were no over the top expressions, no happy faces or anything. I just asked the question at hand. His response came with a long none answer to my question, asking for a picture of what I wanted (about work) and to PLEASE give him more details and information which was NOT needed! All I needed was a yes or no answer. The convo went on with a few more exchanges with my one liners, I just couldn't bring myself to be extra nice even if he was peppering the emails with lovelyness.His last email was a long explanation and a few jokes here and there and he closed with a "Please, take care."

 

How hard is it going to be to stay away from him? I dreamt of him last night, and now all I want to do is email him and ask him how he's doing? I keep telling myself, see he does care! I keep remembering his face on Sunday, when I wouldn't talk to him, he looked like a lost puppy. I don't wanna talk to him :-<

[RoseVille]

So when I posted 3 days ago, I came to the conclusion that yes, possibly this EA had been a one way thing.

Anyways, I had to email this guy yesterday because of work, in my email I was nothing but direct about what I needed for work. I must admit, there were no over the top expressions, no happy faces or anything. I just asked the question at hand. His response came with a long none answer to my question, asking for a picture of what I wanted (about work) and to PLEASE give him more details and information which was NOT needed! All I needed was a yes or no answer. The convo went on with a few more exchanges with my one liners, I just couldn't bring myself to be extra nice even if he was peppering the emails with lovelyness.His last email was a long explanation and a few jokes here and there and he closed with a "Please, take care."

 

How hard is it going to be to stay away from him? I dreamt of him last night, and now all I want to do is email him and ask him how he's doing? I keep telling myself, see he does care! I keep remembering his face on Sunday, when I wouldn't talk to him, he looked like a lost puppy. I don't wanna talk to him :-<

 

I'm sorry, LB, but I'm still not seeing an EA here. I think this is all very one-sided.

[LovelyBrown]

I'm sorry, LB, but I'm still not seeing an EA here. I think this is all very one-sided.

 

I know, but that's not my point. My feelings are still very real regardless of what or how he feels. I just feel like I'm never going to be over him if we have to stay in touch.

[RoseVille]

I know, but that's not my point. My feelings are still very real regardless of what or how he feels. I just feel like I'm never going to be over him if we have to stay in touch.

 

I can relate to that. I wish I had the answer, as I work with mine too and don't know how to go about avoiding him.

[LovelyBrown]

I can relate to that. I wish I had the answer, as I work with mine too and don't know how to go about avoiding him.

 

It is very difficult! I couldn't imagine seeing him everyday, it's a good thing he's here once a week at most.

[LovelyBrown]

This morning (and most mornings at work) my mental dialogue goes like this... Why can't I be with him? Maybe I should message him? What's the harm? If he doesn't like me the way I do him then it should be safe to keep the friendship? Why do I deprive myself of him, he makes me happy. He thinks I'm mad at him so he won't initiate contact unless I do...I miss our chats and emails and then overnight they're all gone, am I supposed to not feel anything?

This dialogue is depressing and plays in my head numerous times a day. I wonder, what's everyone's dialogue like?