New Here, hoping to find answers on dealing with this sad EA

[Popsicle]

This morning (and most mornings at work) my mental dialogue goes like this... Why can't I be with him? Maybe I should message him? What's the harm? If he doesn't like me the way I do him then it should be safe to keep the friendship? Why do I deprive myself of him, he makes me happy. He thinks I'm mad at him so he won't initiate contact unless I do...I miss our chats and emails and then overnight they're all gone, am I supposed to not feel anything?

This dialogue is depressing and plays in my head numerous times a day. I wonder, what's everyone's dialogue like?

 

I USED to have that dialogue daily. Pure torture I tell you. Now (3 years later) I don't and I am much more settled and at peace. So it does get better.

[lemondrop21]

Remaining friends with someone who you'd like to have a relationship with, but who has made you feel that you are "not good enough" for whatever reason, is incredibly unhealthy and will continue to hurt you. He may not intend to hurt you. He may care about you very deeply. But when he's making the decision to be unavailable, whether he's literally unavailable (due to being married/committed) or emotionally unavailable, or both, there is nothing you can do. You cannot counsel him out of this, or make him "see the light." He needs to take steps to get himself together and make himself available to you.

 

I was deeply in love with a man once (well, a boy, at first) who was emotionally unavailable to me for years. Even at the best points in our relationship, I could feel him pulling away. Unfortunately, due to the way I was raised, I experienced this as normal and did not recognize how much I was allowing myself to be damaged.

 

Eventually I was able to break away after being rejected for the umpteenth time, by throwing myself into a different relationship, and then another after that. I still felt the pain, but it was dramatically lessened. About five years later, he expressed interest in possibly reviving our relationship (but no real commitment to doing so). I flew out to see him - twice - knowing full well what to expect at that point. By the time he made it clear that he had no intention of being with me, I just laughed, as I knew it was coming. At that point, I couldnt be any more damaged, so I just felt empty and turned inward.

 

For the next year, I did A LOT of work on my own to find my inner self worth. I ended up so happy, alone, that I was hesitant to start dating an available, wonderful man because I was afraid of ending this level of happiness. Fortunately, I let this wonderful man in, and we enjoyed a healthy relationship where I NEVER experienced him pulling away.

 

The emotionally unavailable guy and I still do talk occasionally, over ten years later. He has gone through counseling, but still clearly has a ways to go in order to make himself fully available. At this point, I truly don't want him, although I wish him the best in life. It may not be that your unavailable man is a bad person, but rather, that he needs to do some serious work on himself. In the meantime, if you keep yourself free from him, you'll be helping both you and him far more than if you maintain contact.

 

Best of luck and keep your chin up.

[lemondrop21]

One more thought that's helped me, with a completely different situation that I'm dealing with now, in the office -

 

I tell myself, "ok, I know he's right over there, one hallway down, in his office. He's sitting there doing his work, like I'm supposed to be doing. He's not a million miles away. He's not dead. This doesn't need to feel SO dramatic. I am making a mature decision not to talk to him right now, today, because it's the best thing for both of us. Do I really need a little email joke or IM so badly? Really??" Try not to start down the mental path of "omg what if I NEVER speak to him again..." - too dramatic!! - and look at the fact that you're in the same office as something to reassure you. When and if he decides to make himself available, he knows where to find you. Until then, he is not THE ONLY person you can share a joke with at the office. Maybe it won't be as good of a joke, as if it had been with him, but that's ok. You're doing what's best for you right now.

 

Also, while you're staring at your computer screen numb for two hours and getting nothing done, he's probably toiling away and pushing himself towards a promotion, recognition, etc. The sooner you can get back to a positive mental space, the sooner you can do the same! Try not to allow yourself to fall behind at work, because he sure as hell won't.

 

Good luck.

[LovelyBrown]

One more thought that's helped me, with a completely different situation that I'm dealing with now, in the office -

 

I tell myself, "ok, I know he's right over there, one hallway down, in his office. He's sitting there doing his work, like I'm supposed to be doing. He's not a million miles away. He's not dead. This doesn't need to feel SO dramatic. I am making a mature decision not to talk to him right now, today, because it's the best thing for both of us. Do I really need a little email joke or IM so badly? Really??" Try not to start down the mental path of "omg what if I NEVER speak to him again..." - too dramatic!! - and look at the fact that you're in the same office as something to reassure you. When and if he decides to make himself available, he knows where to find you. Until then, he is not THE ONLY person you can share a joke with at the office. Maybe it won't be as good of a joke, as if it had been with him, but that's ok. You're doing what's best for you right now.

 

Also, while you're staring at your computer screen numb for two hours and getting nothing done, he's probably toiling away and pushing himself towards a promotion, recognition, etc. The sooner you can get back to a positive mental space, the sooner you can do the same! Try not to allow yourself to fall behind at work, because he sure as hell won't.

 

Good luck.

 

THANK YOU! This is some great advice. I don't see him everyday, but I will see him at some point. Also, we do have to talk work because of work... It's just sometimes desperation seems to set in. I feel ridiculous about it.

[GirlStillStrong]

THANK YOU! This is some great advice. I don't see him everyday, but I will see him at some point. Also, we do have to talk work because of work... It's just sometimes desperation seems to set in. I feel ridiculous about it.

 

You feel ridiculous because you know you're stronger than that.

[GirlStillStrong]

Remaining friends with someone who you'd like to have a relationship with, but who has made you feel that you are "not good enough" for whatever reason, is incredibly unhealthy and will continue to hurt you. He may not intend to hurt you. He may care about you very deeply. But when he's making the decision to be unavailable, whether he's literally unavailable (due to being married/committed) or emotionally unavailable, or both, there is nothing you can do. You cannot counsel him out of this, or make him "see the light." He needs to take steps to get himself together and make himself available to you.

 

I was deeply in love with a man once (well, a boy, at first) who was emotionally unavailable to me for years. Even at the best points in our relationship, I could feel him pulling away. Unfortunately, due to the way I was raised, I experienced this as normal and did not recognize how much I was allowing myself to be damaged.

 

Eventually I was able to break away after being rejected for the umpteenth time, by throwing myself into a different relationship, and then another after that. I still felt the pain, but it was dramatically lessened. About five years later, he expressed interest in possibly reviving our relationship (but no real commitment to doing so). I flew out to see him - twice - knowing full well what to expect at that point. By the time he made it clear that he had no intention of being with me, I just laughed, as I knew it was coming. At that point, I couldnt be any more damaged, so I just felt empty and turned inward.

 

For the next year, I did A LOT of work on my own to find my inner self worth. I ended up so happy, alone, that I was hesitant to start dating an available, wonderful man because I was afraid of ending this level of happiness. Fortunately, I let this wonderful man in, and we enjoyed a healthy relationship where I NEVER experienced him pulling away.

 

The emotionally unavailable guy and I still do talk occasionally, over ten years later. He has gone through counseling, but still clearly has a ways to go in order to make himself fully available. At this point, I truly don't want him, although I wish him the best in life. It may not be that your unavailable man is a bad person, but rather, that he needs to do some serious work on himself. In the meantime, if you keep yourself free from him, you'll be helping both you and him far more than if you maintain contact.

 

Best of luck and keep your chin up.

 

^^This is good stuff, Lemondrop, thank you for taking the time to post it.

[LovelyBrown]

^^This is good stuff, Lemondrop, thank you for taking the time to post it.

 

Yes! Extremely helpful. Many thanks.

[GoldieLox]

Thanks for your insight, Lemondrop.

 

Remaining friends with someone who you'd like to have a relationship with, but who has made you feel that you are "not good enough" for whatever reason, is incredibly unhealthy and will continue to hurt you. He may not intend to hurt you. He may care about you very deeply. But when he's making the decision to be unavailable, whether he's literally unavailable (due to being married/committed) or emotionally unavailable, or both, there is nothing you can do. You cannot counsel him out of this, or make him "see the light." He needs to take steps to get himself together and make himself available to you.

 

I have to hammer this into my brain. And truthfully, I don't really want him to make himself available to me. He belongs in his marriage, I belong in mine. It just hurts to not be able to at least talk with someone I once cared about, and an even scarier thought to think that maybe I misinterpreted everything, and he never did care about me, because my self-esteem is through the floor right now. What a clusterf&$k my mind is right now.

[LovelyBrown]

Thanks for your insight, Lemondrop.

 

 

 

I have to hammer this into my brain. And truthfully, I don't really want him to make himself available to me. He belongs in his marriage, I belong in mine. It just hurts to not be able to at least talk with someone I once cared about, and an even scarier thought to think that maybe I misinterpreted everything, and he never did care about me, because my self-esteem is through the floor right now. What a clusterf&$k my mind is right now.

 

Oh my God, you just wrote exactly what I'm feeling. *hugs* I hope things improve for the both of us!

[m4p]

One more thought that's helped me, with a completely different situation that I'm dealing with now, in the office -

 

I tell myself, "ok, I know he's right over there, one hallway down, in his office. He's sitting there doing his work, like I'm supposed to be doing. He's not a million miles away. He's not dead. This doesn't need to feel SO dramatic. I am making a mature decision not to talk to him right now, today, because it's the best thing for both of us. Do I really need a little email joke or IM so badly? Really??" Try not to start down the mental path of "omg what if I NEVER speak to him again..." - too dramatic!! - and look at the fact that you're in the same office as something to reassure you. When and if he decides to make himself available, he knows where to find you. Until then, he is not THE ONLY person you can share a joke with at the office. Maybe it won't be as good of a joke, as if it had been with him, but that's ok. You're doing what's best for you right now.

 

Also, while you're staring at your computer screen numb for two hours and getting nothing done, he's probably toiling away and pushing himself towards a promotion, recognition, etc. The sooner you can get back to a positive mental space, the sooner you can do the same! Try not to allow yourself to fall behind at work, because he sure as hell won't.

 

Good luck.

 

Lemondrop, this is great advice really.

It was horrible but I just had to keep reminding myself to not be all dramatic and romantic. There was a tendency to dwell and dwell and DWELLLLLLLLL.... there is no end to it all.

 

At the beginning of the end (how poetic), every single waking second, I was filled with thoughts like "He will never touch me like that again... we will never be able to share our inside jokes... he will never smile at me again.. All we had is gone FOREVER.... why....." It went on for months of torturing myself with thoughts like this.

 

It was seriously full-on crazy. I fell behind work and guess what? xMM had major problems at home because of D-Day and me, but he was actually doing perfectly well at work by channeling all the negative emotions and energy into it. I guess that's how men cope? Why can't we/I do it too?

 

I refuse to let myself jeopardize my own future like this, so I'm now more motivated to excel at work too. Don't think of the whole NC/stop contact thing as a wall you need to overcome, you just need to walk along the wall towards your own path. It should not be a stumbling block towards recovery. NC helps to block xMM out so that he will affect you lesser and lesser as days pass. I am beginning to find it easier.

 

Trust me, I was a full on addict to my xMM. I was obsessed about him. I guess I still am. I still have bad days where I miss him so much, but I no longer feel the need to have instant gratifications or crave for his attention so badly and illogically.

 

To everyone in similar situations, hang in there!!

[GoldieLox]

I still work with xMM and can't leave due to financial issues. Believe me, I'd be out the door yesterday if I could. It's too much. I barely have any contact with him, no face to face time, legitimately 2 min of conference calls a week... Yet I still find myself spending my lunch breaks in my car crying. When I'm not at work, I'm okay. Work is just terrible for me. Everyone says to give it time. I'm doubtful.

[Adoraxx]

I still work with xMM and can't leave due to financial issues. Believe me, I'd be out the door yesterday if I could. It's too much. I barely have any contact with him, no face to face time, legitimately 2 min of conference calls a week... Yet I still find myself spending my lunch breaks in my car crying. When I'm not at work, I'm okay. Work is just terrible for me. Everyone says to give it time. I'm doubtful.

 

I can imagine that it's terrible for you to be at work, GoldieLox . I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to send you some big hugs because I know it's very painful (((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))

[Popsicle]

Remaining friends with someone who you'd like to have a relationship with, but who has made you feel that you are "not good enough" for whatever reason, is incredibly unhealthy and will continue to hurt you. He may not intend to hurt you. He may care about you very deeply. But when he's making the decision to be unavailable, whether he's literally unavailable (due to being married/committed) or emotionally unavailable, or both, there is nothing you can do. You cannot counsel him out of this, or make him "see the light." He needs to take steps to get himself together and make himself available to you.

 

I was deeply in love with a man once (well, a boy, at first) who was emotionally unavailable to me for years. Even at the best points in our relationship, I could feel him pulling away. Unfortunately, due to the way I was raised, I experienced this as normal and did not recognize how much I was allowing myself to be damaged.

 

Eventually I was able to break away after being rejected for the umpteenth time, by throwing myself into a different relationship, and then another after that. I still felt the pain, but it was dramatically lessened. About five years later, he expressed interest in possibly reviving our relationship (but no real commitment to doing so). I flew out to see him - twice - knowing full well what to expect at that point. By the time he made it clear that he had no intention of being with me, I just laughed, as I knew it was coming. At that point, I couldnt be any more damaged, so I just felt empty and turned inward.

 

For the next year, I did A LOT of work on my own to find my inner self worth. I ended up so happy, alone, that I was hesitant to start dating an available, wonderful man because I was afraid of ending this level of happiness. Fortunately, I let this wonderful man in, and we enjoyed a healthy relationship where I NEVER experienced him pulling away.

 

The emotionally unavailable guy and I still do talk occasionally, over ten years later. He has gone through counseling, but still clearly has a ways to go in order to make himself fully available. At this point, I truly don't want him, although I wish him the best in life. It may not be that your unavailable man is a bad person, but rather, that he needs to do some serious work on himself. In the meantime, if you keep yourself free from him, you'll be helping both you and him far more than if you maintain contact.

 

Best of luck and keep your chin up.

 

What an insightful and helpful post. Thank you for sharing. I am at the point you described where I am content, which makes me hesitant to date, but I am feeling lonely so I need to let someone in. Definitely need him to be emotionally and sexually available.

[LovelyBrown]

I still work with xMM and can't leave due to financial issues. Believe me, I'd be out the door yesterday if I could. It's too much. I barely have any contact with him, no face to face time, legitimately 2 min of conference calls a week... Yet I still find myself spending my lunch breaks in my car crying. When I'm not at work, I'm okay. Work is just terrible for me. Everyone says to give it time. I'm doubtful.

 

I'm so sorry you have to see him everyday, I couldn't imagine!

Mine showed up at my office yesterday, completely out of nowhere, unannounced. He stood at my office door in complete silence for what felt like forever until he asked me some bogus question. I then complemented him (because I'm stupid), he said thanks, that he would be back next week and to hang in there. WTF?! what does that mean? I'm now broken and a bit hopeful (which I don't want to be) I'm living in limbo. If he was around everyday, I would not be able to function. I get how you feel, I wish I could shut off my brain for a while.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks for your insight, Lemondrop.

 

 

 

I have to hammer this into my brain. And truthfully, I don't really want him to make himself available to me. He belongs in his marriage, I belong in mine. It just hurts to not be able to at least talk with someone I once cared about, and an even scarier thought to think that maybe I misinterpreted everything, and he never did care about me, because my self-esteem is through the floor right now. What a clusterf&$k my mind is right now.

 

Sometimes I feel like I put too much importance on whether or not someone I have loved and cared for (and especially taken care of) cares about me. It's sad because it is like having the expectation that others will care as much about me or treat me as well as I have cared for and treated them is just too high an expectation. But really? Is this world really that messed up that we should go through life expecting that the people we come in contact with just do not care about others?

[GoldieLox]

Sometimes I feel like I put too much importance on whether or not someone I have loved and cared for (and especially taken care of) cares about me. It's sad because it is like having the expectation that others will care as much about me or treat me as well as I have cared for and treated them is just too high an expectation. But really? Is this world really that messed up that we should go through life expecting that the people we come in contact with just do not care about others?

 

I feel the same way as you do. You just have to remember... Expectations are not really valid in these types of situations. I mean they are and they aren't. They do not fit into the normal parameters that regular relationships do. It is so hard for me to accept that sometimes. It's the worst type of lesson to have to learn, especially when we take a good hard look at ourselves and realize that we were not treating our significant others, ourselves, or the other BS with respect. It sucks.

 

I just showed up for a work meeting. He is right across the atrium from me with a group of colleagues talking. There's probably about 70 feet between us but I can't even look up. I'm literally glued to my phone with my head down.

[m4p]

Working with xAP sounds downright torturous. I can't imagine how I will be able to cope if I were still working with xMM. He changed jobs about 4 months before D-Day... Thank God. Really feel for you guys. If it's me I'll probably having panick attacks all day long. Urgh.

[RoseVille]

Mine will be in the office briefly this morning, and I'm terrified.

Edited May 12, 2015 by RoseVille

[LovelyBrown]

Mine will be in the office briefly this morning, and I'm terrified.

 

Good Luck! could you maybe take a coffee break?

[RoseVille]

Good Luck! could you maybe take a coffee break?

 

Thanks.

 

No to the coffee. I'm more likely to see/run into him if I leave the confines of the four walls of my office.

[harrybrown]

I feel the same way as you do. You just have to remember... Expectations are not really valid in these types of situations. I mean they are and they aren't. They do not fit into the normal parameters that regular relationships do. It is so hard for me to accept that sometimes. It's the worst type of lesson to have to learn, especially when we take a good hard look at ourselves and realize that we were not treating our significant others, ourselves, or the other BS with respect. It sucks.

 

I just showed up for a work meeting. He is right across the atrium from me with a group of colleagues talking. There's probably about 70 feet between us but I can't even look up. I'm literally glued to my phone with my head down.

 

Be strong and share these feelings with your H. You have tried tearing down the walls by letting him know of the A.

 

Get your self-esteem from working on yourself, not from someone with no soul.

[RoseVille]

He's not here today after all. And yet I don't feel relieved.

[LovelyBrown]

I have so many questions for him, they haunt me. I really feel I need some clarity, how could I have been so wrong/off? I'm usually spot on and can read people extremely well!

[Josmatjes]

I feel the same, but you will never be satisfied with the answers. If you really search your heart, you know the answers. We all do. I think they mean things as they feel it and say it, but later when it's over they just leave those feelings behind.....

[GoldieLox]

I went searching for answers and it only made things 10 times worse, because it was the complete opposite of what I expected. It lead to hurt like I've never experienced.

 

Closure has to come from within. It takes time... A lot of it.