Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

[nextsteps]

Hello,

I'm posting here because I'd like to hear the experiences of people in marriage-like relationships and see if mine is worth a shot.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2yrs now. He's my fiance actually as he proposed last month. He is very much in love with me and he treats me like a queen. I on the other hand have never really been in love with him. We spend a lot of time together, most because he wants to, I do too but not as much, the relationship is smooth and my son loves him. I have grown to love him and I want him in my life and don't want to be without him.

 

Do I need to be in love with him for our marriage to work? I'm now wondering yet again if it's a bad idea to marry a man that I'm not head over heels in love with. He's loving and kind and is very happy in the relationship. Perhaps I should have ended it before we got this far but I kept expecting to eventually fall for him but it never happened.

 

I feel like I will be breaking 2 other people's hearts by ending things. My 8yo sees him like a father and will be distraught if he wasn't around anymore and bf will be pretty torn too. My life is calm and happy with him in it and I don't want to loose him if it's not necessary to.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? What would you advise? Thanks in advance.

Edited May 6, 2015 by nextsteps

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yikes! Honestly, this sounds like it could be a disaster down the road.

 

I also don't think you're being very fair to your man.

 

He's clearly in love with you but not only do you NOT feel the same but you never have. That's kind of significant.

 

Yes, there are plenty of stories of people falling in love later but there are just as many that never do at all.

 

I know you don't want to hurt your fiance or your son but what about you? I mean, can you live with pretending to love someone when you really don't? Don't you want to find someone that makes your heart skip a beat?

 

This is a tough call...

[nextsteps]

Thanks Michelle but I don't not love him. I love him but not in love with him. He knows how I feel and there's no pretence anywhere.

 

I've been in love several times before and it was nice while it lasted but none of those men ever treated me like this man does. I keep feeling like if I let go of him for this imaginary man that I'd fall in love with AND will love me back, he may never be out there or worse, it won't last either. I would never forgive myself for robbing them of happiness just for a maybe.

 

I wished HE could make my heart skip a beat. I dont want to be with anyone else.

 

I really am confused

Edited May 6, 2015 by nextsteps

[central]

If you are not "in love" with him, and aren't really romantically and sexually attracted, then you won't really be happy. I expect that he won't be happy if he figures this out, and if your lack of passion for him means disinterest in sex (assuming he has a normal sex drive), it will harm your relationship.

 

You have the freedom to find someone for whom you have passion, unlike cultures where you have arranged marriages where you make do out of duty. Some of those may end up better than your situation, though.

 

Better to hurt him a little now, than hurt him a lot later.

[Mr Carson]

Attraction certainly helps sometimes in marriage sexual attraction is the only thing that gets you through the tough times.

 

 

It’s not mandatory but I agree you shouldn’t marry just because you don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

 

I personally couldn’t marry someone that said they’re not attracted to me. It would feel like a lifetime in second place a consolation prize, but I can understand how you could feel the way you do. When you need a ride a Chevy that runs is better than a Porsche that won’t, but this doesn’t compare to making a lifetime commitment to another person.

 

 

Sex is a small percentage of time in your life physically but mentally it’s like a 40 hour a week job. You both need to think long and hard…maybe talk to a counselor.

[DKT3]

So what your saying is your not sexually attracted to him, right?

[Rainbowlove]

Hello,

I'm posting here because I'd like to hear the experiences of people in marriage-like relationships and see if mine is worth a shot.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2yrs now. He's my fiance actually as he proposed last month. He is very much in love with me and he treats me like a queen. I on the other hand have never really been in love with him. We spend a lot of time together, most because he wants to, I do too but not as much, the relationship is smooth and my son loves him. I have grown to love him and I want him in my life and don't want to be without him.

 

Do I need to be in love with him for our marriage to work? I'm now wondering yet again if it's a bad idea to marry a man that I'm not head over heels in love with. He's loving and kind and is very happy in the relationship. Perhaps I should have ended it before we got this far but I kept expecting to eventually fall for him but it never happened.

 

I feel like I will be breaking 2 other people's hearts by ending things. My 8yo sees him like a father and will be distraught if he wasn't around anymore and bf will be pretty torn too. My life is calm and happy with him in it and I don't want to loose him if it's not necessary to.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? What would you advise? Thanks in advance.

 

What happens if/when you do meet someone who turns your head and electrifies you?

 

You'll be tied to a man who is good, but not amazing.

 

You know the answer to your question in your gut - you just don't want to do the work involved in making such a painful decision.

 

My guess is you'll have to make it somewhere down the line...it's just a matter of doing it today or tomorrow or five years from now.

 

Up to you.

[Soxfaninfl]

Thanks Michelle but I don't not love him. I love him but not in love with him. He knows how I feel and there's no pretence anywhere.

 

I've been in love several times before and it was nice while it lasted but none of those men ever treated me like this man does. I keep feeling like if I let go of him for this imaginary man that I'd fall in love with AND will love me back, he may never be out there or worse, it won't last either. I would never forgive myself for robbing them of happiness just for a maybe.

 

I wished HE could make my heart skip a beat. I dont want to be with anyone else.

 

I really am confused

 

He knows that you love him, but are not in love with him? Well if your truly not in love with him then you need to tell him if he doesn't know. You need to cut him loose and let him find someone that will be truly in love with him. Everyone deserves to find that person.

 

Basically your settling because you haven't found the one and you don't want to be alone.

 

If he knows you truly don't love him and he stays with you then it's on him if it doesn't work out. You can't force yourself to feel what is not there.

[nextsteps]

The sex is good by the way - when we get to it. If we spent every night together, we would have sex every night. That side is not an issue.

 

He knows how I feel and about a year ago and a few months ago, I did tell him he would be better off with some who adores him the way he does me. He said he is happy with me as I am, we have great time together and he doesn't see what the problem is. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 

This may be because on the face of it, everything is fine. We spent time together, our families get along we'll, our kids are very happy, I'm not mean, we have very satisfying sex so it seems like it's all in my head.

 

It's as though he feels so lucky to have found me and he doesn't believe there's anyone better out there. This morning, he said 'i would rather spend 1 day in a month with you than spend everyday with anyone else'.

 

He feels like he has found HIS person and it's me. This will be his second marriage by the way, he was previously married for 13yrs.

 

Edited May 6, 2015 by nextsteps

[toolforgrowth]

Have you had a prior bad relationship experience? Were you cheated on, physically abused,marginalized, verbally abused, etc.?

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, why do you have to get married?

 

Unless he's planning to adopt your son I'm not sure why you need to take it to that level particularly since you're not in love with him.

 

Listen, I understand what you're saying. Even the most passionate lovers eventually end up in this very comfortable, content, safe and secure place in their relationships if they're together long enough. You're just skipping over all the lovely bits and running straight for the comfortable part. When you're tired of being used and abused by people who are supposed to love you, it's not hard to see why you would choose a safe bet long term.

 

My fear, again, is that this will end up hurting everyone in the end if you realize you can't live a lie.

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, attraction is essential for a happy marriage, even decades in.

[nextsteps]

Have you had a prior bad relationship experience? Were you cheated on, physically abused,marginalized, verbally abused, etc.?

 

All of the above. I was married to some who did all of the above.

[Thicke2013]

All of the above. I was married to some who did all of the above.

 

So if you are physically attracted to him, have great sex often, he treats you like a queen, and is in love with your son I have to ask. What is it exactly that you feel you are missing in this relationship?

 

 

How do you define being "in love" versus simply loving someone?

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't not love him

 

A good rule of thumb is that if you have to use a double negative to describe how you feel about him, it's probably time to walk.

[nextsteps]

So if you are physically attracted to him, have great sex often, he treats you like a queen, and is in love with your son I have to ask. What is it exactly that you feel you are missing in this relationship?

How do you define being "in love" versus simply loving someone?

 

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

[Mr Carson]

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

How do you feel when he touches you not sex but just holding your hand cuddling that kind of thing? Does it bug/annoy you?

[DKT3]

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

You will find what's missing when he is with someone else.

 

What I see here is a man that is too available to you, I'm guessing your not use to that. I think he is boring to you and doesn't get your passion going. Oddly if he stopped doing many of the things he is doing I bet you would fall "in love" with him.

[minimariah]

Do I need to be in love with him for our marriage to work?

 

absolutely.

 

What would you advise?

 

leave him - he's basically your buddy.

 

if you do marry him, you can be absolutely sure that you'll eventually meet a man you'll fall head over heels in love with & you'll start an A... messy divorce, all of it -- life likes to be funny like that.

 

so leave. you'll regret marrying him when you finally find out that it can be, OH, soooooooo much better.

[Thicke2013]

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

 

Personally, I think I would explore IC and see what was missing for me before I decided to throw away what at least seems like a great guy and a great relationship for the ever fleeting "in love" feeling that so many people chase. I'm a firm believer that love is a verb and a choice. I wake up everyday and choose to love my wife by my actions and with my words and decisions. On the flip side as I said before, I am wildly attracted to her as well. She is gorgeous! With that being said, I do find it odd that you say you aren't physically attracted to him yet when he kisses and touches you it turns you on and you have great sex. I'll admit I'm confused by that as well. A good counselor should be able to help you navigate through those feelings and emotions.

 

 

Strange question maybe, but you mentioned past hurts and bad relationships, does he remind you of someone that hurt you in the past? Does he look like a terrible ex? Just a thought.

 

 

Also, please do not get married right now. If he insists, tell him you need more time. You are not ready and that would be even more unfair to him and your son.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, the reality is most relationships you see out there are not about love, they're not about reciprocal love and emotions.

 

It's one person who loves the other more and the other person deludes themselves into believing it's a mutual thing...although one person always carries the load in terms of effort and dedication to making it work...someone sacrifices and jeopardizes more of themselves in order to salvage the relationship.

 

That's the REALITY of the world.

 

If people were instantly able to see how each other think and feel, without having to ask them...I think I would just die, finally I wouldn't have to read all the naive comments and perceptions of what "love" is and "happy marriages"...because the person next to them would expose how they TRULY feel. None of this crap where one person speaks for the others feelings and what they think and how happy they are...yadda yadda yadda, I think I would just feint like Jesus on the cross (if you're into that kind of thing - religion) and it would be like a wave of clarity sweeping over the world.

 

Yes, millions of hearts would be broken, minds and perceptions would be forced to change...it's possible that maybe, just maybe life itself would be too difficult to bear for most people.

 

But in this world, without considering the fantasies and ideals that most people want to believe too people are together, the reality is their lives and marriages are very much like yours...that is the common and most prevalent kind of relationship that lasts "the test of time"...it wasn't about love, it was about obligation, duty, respect from others and within ones self...what people like to call "values", personal values/family values.

 

So please, don't feel bad and let these people tell you that "well if you don't love him, just let him go"...you do love the guy, it's obvious you aren't in-love with the guy...I wouldn't want to be in his or your shoes, but that's the choice you made and it's a VERY VERY VERY common one. People talk about it like you're the exception to the rule and like there is some kind of right from wrong in relationship...there isn't.

 

You know why he's happy? because he loves you, and he's in love with you. He doesn't want to know that you don't love him in that way, he doesn't want to accept it, when he's intimate with you he believes that you feel the same way he does.

 

You're not happy because you're not in-love with him and starting to miss those feelings, those parts of you or anyone that only come out when they're really in-love with someone and really do want to be with them...the chemistry, the attraction, the whole package.

 

But that's the way it goes, and without people living lives like you...most relationships would be over overnight. You accept one circumstance and he accepts another, it's like the obvious transparency of a rich old guy dating a young hottie, that's the trade-off that they make...sure the old man might believe she really loves him and not for his money, but the woman wouldn't be there without it, even if she convinces herself she still would.

 

Nobody wants to feel like a user, so everyone manipulates themselves into believing what is right...but I can assure you, at the end of the day, they can criticize you no more than themselves...EVERYBODY does this kind of crap, they just don't really want to break it down and expose every little detail until you can reveal what's it's really about...and what's it's really about, wouldn't make people happy, they wouldn't be able to live in their delusional world.

 

So just because you're out here, putting it out here, you're real feelings...doesn't make you an exception to the rule or some rare and unique case, you're just like most people...and you make decisions off real life, not a fantasy world...which granted, romance doesn't have to be a fantasy, but it's VERY rare, it hits at the same level between two people...but guess what, if you ask everyone, EVERYONE is the exception to that rule and just lucky, that's how people work and think...but if you could prove it, at the end of the day most of those people would be wrong, and they didn't even know it, or maybe knew it deep down but never had to admit it, never had to unearth those rocks. Because there's just not enough transparency...and there never will be, that's just the way life is and goes for most people...the vast majority. And you will never be able to prove it otherwise without that unrealistic transparency.

[norajane]

I've been in love several times before and it was nice while it lasted but none of those men ever treated me like this man does. I keep feeling like if I let go of him for this imaginary man that I'd fall in love with AND will love me back, he may never be out there or worse, it won't last either. I would never forgive myself for robbing them of happiness just for a maybe.

 

I wished HE could make my heart skip a beat. I dont want to be with anyone else.

 

I really am confused

 

Since you've been in bad relationships where YOU were in love but they treated you badly and cheated on you, my guess is you've learned to equate uncertainty and drama with "in love." A lot of people do that - they think that the reason their heart skips a beat is because they're "in love" but that's uncertainty and fear and doubt and wishing that he would love you like you love him.

 

Also, a lot of people who are in love are really just in love with how that other person makes them feel about themselves - they feel prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier when they are with that person, so of course they crave being around that person so they can feel that way about themselves more often. The reality of marriage is that you have to feel good about yourself because daily life doesn't lend itself to stoking the fantasy of ourselves we love.

 

You could be self-sabotaging here because you haven't ever been in a good relationship with someone who treats you this well and who adores you, and you think it's supposed to feel more dramatic than that. Long term marriage is actually all about less drama and more appreciation for each other and your lives together.

 

I could be way off base, but it might be worth thinking about. Good luck to you!

[Soxfaninfl]

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

If you haven't fallen in love with him already then it's never going to happen. Two years is a long time to be together. The fact of the matter is you shouldn't marry him hoping you will feel it some day. Plus, like you said you wouldn't look twice at him if he was walking down the street.

 

Your fiancé is just some one to spend time with and that's it's. You don't feel that passion like you should.

[SJS]

I feel sad for this guy. He's safe and a sure thing, and you're stringing him along (using) so you're not alone.

 

 

Despite what he says, I would end it. It's not fair to anyone involved and will ultimately hurt all of you.

[Be_Strong]

You will find what's missing when he is with someone else.

 

What I see here is a man that is too available to you, I'm guessing your not use to that. I think he is boring to you and doesn't get your passion going. Oddly if he stopped doing many of the things he is doing I bet you would fall "in love" with him.

I think this is really common and would probably be the explanation if she was initially attracted to him and then it died off after some time. But here, she said the attraction was never there. I think this is just a situation where the guy doesn't do it for her in the looks department. She gave a not-physically-attractive dude a chance because he was a nice guy, and she grew close with him emotionally, but the physical attraction has never been and never will be there.

 

Nextsteps, is there a mismatch between your physical attractiveness and his? Are you an 8 and he a 4?