Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

[Leigh 87]

You will find what's missing when he is with someone else.

 

What I see here is a man that is too available to you, I'm guessing your not use to that. I think he is boring to you and doesn't get your passion going. Oddly if he stopped doing many of the things he is doing I bet you would fall "in love" with him.

 

That's not always it.

 

You either have intense chemistry or you don't.

You need a fairly solid spark AND then followed by compatibility, in order to fall head over heels, " madly " in love. Many people are very happy to skip love rathe limerence and infatuation period.

 

Myself and the OP are clearly NOT all that thrilled at the idea of meeting a man who we lack the spark and strong chemistry with.....

We aren't happy spending our time with a man who we NEVER got to experience the lovey dovey feelings of " dying to make out with them " or " not being able to keep our hands off one another"

 

It's perfectly undetectably that SOME People simply aren't happy to bypass the lust filled honeymoon phase where you just cannot wait to see them, and you day dream constantly about being with them, making out with them and the smallest touch by them sends you over the moon and back.

 

I HAVE dated a guy like that. I LIKED that he was nice to me and that certainly wasn't what " lowered my interest ". I just realised that after date one, I wasn't all that physically or sexually into him.

 

There have been men I've dated where I would have LOVED them to have been more available and more into me....I wouldn't have dropped interest simply because a guy, who made my heart skipped a beat, was NICE and AVAILABLE:lmao:

 

The issue is, the people we fall the hardest for are often the people who don't return the sentiment OR who are bad for us.

 

Not all people are addicted to drama or bad boys. They just genuinely cannot find MUTUAL " in love " feelings with a man who treats them like gold.

Edited May 20, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I have plenty of married and taken men hit on me.

 

They all confess that they never had the lust filled, heady honeymoon phase with their wives...

 

They confess that they were never thrilled or over the moon, totally crazy in love, with their wives.

 

They admitted that they never went through limerence. They were never enamoured. They were never infatuated.

 

My good friend met a very average looking dude at a club. She is model material beautiful. 6 foot, slender arms like a swan. She has the face of an angel and she makes EVERY man who encounters her, fall for her. Yet she was open to feeling chemistry with less than " hot " and " unavailable " men. My beautiful friend and her average looking " nice guy " who still had an alpha job and persona yet had a heart of gold, fell crazy in love.

From moment one, they were both intensely sexually attracted to each other, they made each other's heart skip a beat and they were both euphoric and thrilled to have met.

 

Years later, they still " make out ", when they are out people assume they have only just met; they had the raw, strong animalistic lust to begin with. They also ended up becoming best friends. So yeard later, they are both THRILLED at the prospect of marriage.

 

Couples like that don't second guess or um and ar about marriage ; they are thrilled and bursting to do it.

 

It's OPS prerogative to figure out whether or not she had an issue whereby she feels chemistry ONLY with jerks and unavailable men.......however, once you cure yourself of the need to be treated badly, plenty of women like my friend can definately fall HARD and head over heels, for average looking men who offer them the world and treat them like queens.

 

If you go for men who are hot or even cute and who are universally " desirable " and venerated by many women, you should think twice unless you are yourself, model material. If you are like me and you feel great chemistry with the average looking man and you WANT to me treated well, you should be able to find a man who DOES make your heart skip a beat.

 

It is all about managing expectations. Perhaps u were going for men who had all the ladies attention and who were, frankly, out of your league look wise and knew it ?

 

You shouldn't feel like you HAVE to settle for either passion or comfort. Realistic people can get both IF they feel the fire works easily enough and for average looking folks.

On the other hand, if you only feel sparks and " in love " type feelings very rarely and it only comes about once every few years, and only with bad boys or " hot " men, then sure, you may have to hone in on your expectations and " learn " to inject passion with men who you have less than sensational chemistry with.

 

I personally think your settling.

 

You don't think you can find a man who you're actually in love with and who feels it back and is good to you and your son.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The key to NOT settling is : You dint wish for anything. You don't NEED to wish such things as " oh I wish I could wave a magic wand and be IN love with him and adore him as he does me " When I have been with men I am infatuated with and feel IN love feelings beggining to grow for, I NEVER have to " wish " for anything to be different.

 

It would just not do... For me to wish " man I wish I was more into my partner "

 

Sure, you can wish for them to be less of a workaholic or to be more outgoing or to try make activities that you enjoy. But wishing for a FEELING that ain't there ? Being a life long spinster is preferable to me........

 

When you fall IN love and then you GROW to love a man in addition to the " in love " limerence phase ( which does end after three years tops) then you have struck gold.

[truncated]

Been married over 18 years now, and we are very happy together.

 

for what it is worth, here is my (abbreviated) story and a bit of advice.

 

When I first met my husband, there was no "butterflies" or "electric shock " or any of that sort of thing. We got along well, and got married a little over a year and a half later once we finished our degrees.

 

I'd had those "butterflies" before, but they were with guys who turned out to be pretty rotten and who cheated on me, and it occurred to me that if the only test of love is those butterflies, it was a pretty p@ss poor one.

 

I was kind of like you, I loved him, but was not "in love" with him, but over time, that changed. It changed as we lived our lives together and I saw him in many different capacities and lights.

 

I guess real love is like that, it grows and goes through phases, just like anything else in life, so long as you let it.

 

My husband and I have been together through a lot, and have grown up a lot together. I suppose that happens when you are with someone for a long time.

 

I've had people ask me how we've stayed together so long and are still happy ( we even hold hands in the grocery store and when we go to other ordinary places, which is odd, as we didn't used to do that when we were newly weds). I don't know what to tell them, as it just happened naturally without thinking about it.

 

I always wonder about the people who gush about the "spark" between them before they get married. With divorce rates being as high as they are, that spark and butterflies so many say they feel can't be enough to keep someone happy in a marriage if that is all there is. There has to be more, and both have to be willing to put the effort in to keeping the marriage going along. If things are going well, you can do that without thinking about it, but when things get tough, as they often do, that's when the real test of the marriage takes place.

 

My advice to you would be to lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. Let him know your state of mind and fears, and be honest. If he says he still wants to stay, and if you do to, try figuring out why it is that you aren't "in love" with him. Could it be that you have been hurt in the past and are afraid to open yourself up like that again? Is he not " your type"? Do you prefer someone with more excitement around them?

 

That's my advice to you, and it could be terrible.. My situation isn't yours, no one on here is you or knows you better than you know yourself.. You have to sort this one out for yourself.

Edited May 21, 2015 by truncated

[Leigh 87]

Been married over 18 years now, and we are very happy together.

 

for what it is worth, here is my (abbreviated) story and a bit of advice.

 

When I first met my husband, there was no "butterflies" or "electric shock " or any of that sort of thing. We got along well, and got married a little over a year and a half later once we finished our degrees.

 

I'd had those "butterflies" before, but they were with guys who turned out to be pretty rotten and who cheated on me, and it occurred to me that if the only test of love is those butterflies, it was a pretty p@ss poor one.

 

I was kind of like you, I loved him, but was not "in love" with him, but over time, that changed. It changed as we lived our lives together and I saw him in many different capacities and lights.

 

I guess real love is like that, it grows and goes through phases, just like anything else in life, so long as you let it.

 

My husband and I have been together through a lot, and have grown up a lot together. I suppose that happens when you are with someone for a long time.

 

I've had people ask me how we've stayed together so long and are still happy ( we even hold hands in the grocery store and when we go to other ordinary places, which is odd, as we didn't used to do that when we were newly weds). I don't know what to tell them, as it just happened naturally without thinking about it.

 

I always wonder about the people who gush about the "spark" between them before they get married. With divorce rates being as high as they are, that spark and butterflies so many say they feel can't be enough to keep someone happy in a marriage if that is all there is. There has to be more, and both have to be willing to put the effort in to keeping the marriage going along. If things are going well, you can do that without thinking about it, but when things get tough, as they often do, that's when the real test of the marriage takes place.

 

My advice to you would be to lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. Let him know your state of mind and fears, and be honest. If he says he still wants to stay, and if you do to, try figuring out why it is that you aren't "in love" with him. Could it be that you have been hurt in the past and are afraid to open yourself up like that again? Is he not " your type"? Do you prefer someone with more excitement around them?

 

That's my advice to you, and it could be terrible.. My situation isn't yours, no one on here is you or knows you better than you know yourself.. You have to sort this one out for yourself.

 

 

 

 

Some people have what you have AND they had the spark. The spark and the strong honeymoon phase is something a lot of happy couples I know of look back on and draw from.......

 

I couldn't imagine bypassing the heady lust filled honeymoon stage.

[truncated]

Some people have what you have AND they had the spark. The spark and the strong honeymoon phase is something a lot of happy couples I know of look back on and draw from.......

 

I couldn't imagine bypassing the heady lust filled honeymoon stage.

 

That's the neat thing. The situation was kind of flipped and we are in that heady stage now, and since it's based on being together for a long time and really knowing each other, I find it's even better than the new relationship/honeymoon "butterflies" I had in other long term relationships I was in. Those faded away, and I ended up being treated badly and feeling awful.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from though, and you do make a good point.

 

Each person has to decide for themselves what they want, and the op should be as upfront as possible with her guy about how she feels/doesn't feel, and let him decide what he wants to do.

[Leigh 87]

That's the neat thing. The situation was kind of flipped and we are in that heady stage now, and since it's based on being together for a long time and really knowing each other, I find it's even better than the new relationship/honeymoon "butterflies" I had in other long term relationships I was in. Those faded away, and I ended up being treated badly and feeling awful.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from though, and you do make a good point.

 

Each person has to decide for themselves what they want, and the op should be as upfront as possible with her guy about how she feels/doesn't feel, and let him decide what he wants to do.

 

 

 

We all compromise.

 

Where do I compromise?

 

Where can the OP compromisE..

 

Me personal personally..... I need intense chemistry, the instant and NATURAL spark... I need a ten out of ten chemistry and a man who's my best friend.

 

Where do I compromise? I've decided that I merely need a man to have a full time job and be of average intelligence. Don't care if he has kids. Don't care if he's divorced. Don't care if he's inches shorter than me. Don't care if he's over weight or scarily skinny.

 

I don't need a smart man or a man who has an average or high income earning job. Ten out if ten chemistry, a man who can make me laugh and who is my best friend is MY dream.

 

Where is the OP willing to compromise??

 

She may be open to meeting a less smart, less intelligent and less handsome man. He may be a fair bit shorter than her. But she will feel the spark. The divine spark that makes a woman into a man.

[mandymor]

Hello,

I'm posting here because I'd like to hear the experiences of people in marriage-like relationships and see if mine is worth a shot.

 

Do I need to be in love with him for our marriage to work? I'm now wondering yet again if it's a bad idea to marry a man that I'm not head over heels in love with. He's loving and kind and is very happy in the relationship. Perhaps I should have ended it before we got this far but I kept expecting to eventually fall for him but it never happened.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? What would you advise? Thanks in advance.

 

 

Personally, I think the two most important things you can have in any relationship whether you're married or not is trust and respect. It sounds like that is what you have with this guy. This is probably why you feel love towards him, but you're not "in love" with him. There is nothing wrong with that. People have arranged marriages, and a lot of them last a lifetime. Other people are head over heels for each other and their divorced within two years. You just have to ask yourself will I be as happy and content as I am now, ten or twenty years down the road.