chubachoop Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Ive been in a long distance relationship with my friend for 3 months. For all of that time I have been so in love I thought about him constantly, missed him like crazy, noticed beautiful things about him that I never saw in the five years he was just my friend and I couldnt keep my hands off him. I really believed he was the one for me, the one I would marry. I still do believe that because we are really compatible and I love him but last time I saw him we were only together one night after 2 weeks apart and I found myself irritated by things I used to think were cute. We had sex at night but in the morning I didnt want it. I did it anyway but I didnt feel turned on, even when we were into it. Should I be worried? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop Should I be worried? Possibly. How old are you? Has this kind of thing happened to you before in relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chubachoop Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Im 26 and yeah it has happened before in most relationships. I usually break up with a guy cause I feel it means hes not right for me but I am so sure my boyfriend is right for me. Is it normal to get annoyed about little things and to not want sex constantly even though we dont see each other that often? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop Is it normal to get annoyed about little things and to not want sex constantly even though we dont see each other that often? Sex drives vary from one person to another - this bit is not a problem. You may just want it less than he does. Most couples are not exactly matched sexually. Getting annoyed with little things *is* a problem. Blowing hot and cold is a bigger one. Do you find this happens in non-romantic relationships too? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 I found myself irritated by things I used to think were cute. We had sex at night but in the morning I didnt want it. In the times I've fallen out of love, this is exactly how it started. As the process starts, its just small things at first. Things you can't put your finger on. Sex is avoided because of the guilt you feel paired with the lessening of attraction. You hold on tightly even as you cringe when he touches you. Imagine your heart as a large milk jug, and the milk inside is the love you have for him. Falling out of love happens when a pinhole is poked into the jug. You won't notice the levels dropping at first, but eventually you will. You can't find the leak, but you know it must be there because every day that goes by results in a slightly lower level. Once that level drops - this is when you begin getting irritated at things that used to be endearing to you. The level drops more, and you begin to start feeling guilty because you don't want to be feeling this way, but you do - and to your horror, the attraction starts to fade too. So, you avoid sex and try to hold on to the things that you do still feel strongly about. Then, he'll pick up on it and when that happens, the levels drop faster for you because he senses what is happening and is trying to reverse the process. Perversely, the harder he tries - the faster it will leak. The hardest thing to accept is that the jug is leaking because you want it to on some level. Guilt. Pain. Frustration. More guilt. Major guilt. It can take a long, long time for this to happen - months. You likely won't begin to realize it for what it is until its nearly too late. People who fall out of love go through a good deal of denial in the beginning stages - because you love the person you are with, and you don't want to fall out of love. Its been three months of a romantic relationship proceeded by five years of 'friends'. It could be that those three months of 'being in love' have allowed you to get to know him in ways that you didn't when you were 'friends' and unfortunately, you are just beginning to see - on an almost subliminal level, that the person you are getting to know romantically isn't the person you want to be with in a long term relationship. You will deny it to yourself right now - and that is pretty normal - because right now the pros of your relationship are far outweighing those so-far faint cons. But as time goes by and you find yourself more irritated with those 'small things' and you avoid the sex more and more in an effort to avoid dealing with the falling levels of attraction and love you have for him - you will be plunged into that horrible state of 'falling out of love'. You will want to be completely honest with yourself and try to think objectively as possible. It is easy to fool yourself into thinking it isn't happening - especially if you let people around you talk you into thinking it isn't. People who fall out of love don't do so with intent - it is a slow, painful process that happens - and all you can often do is helplessly watch it happen. You try to patch up that hole in your heart, but you'll find that for every leak you fix - three more will replace it. Think carefully about what it is you are feeling. You may be at the beginning stages of 'falling out of love' - or you may not be. But whatever it is, be honest with yourself about what it is you do feel and don't try to deny those things you are feeling - even if they are things you don't want to be feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chubachoop Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 I found your reply really disheartening! I was hoping to get some advice from people who had been in long term relationships, who would reassure me that once the initial rush of love wears off, you will start to be annoyed by little things your partner does. I have been doing alot of reading on the internet today and I think I am addicted to that first rush, falling in love feeling in relationships. I want somebody perfect and have had a long string of short relationships which I ended because I noticed faults in the man once the mad attraction stage is over. I am going to try to find ways of working through this because I know otherwise I will end up lonely. I have many faults myself, I am far from perfect so I will just have to learn to tolerate faults I notice in my partner who is a great friend, boyfriend and lover. Thank you for your advice though even though when I read it I felt like crying!! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop I found your reply really disheartening! I was hoping to get some advice from people who had been in long term relationships, who would reassure me that once the initial rush of love wears off, you will start to be annoyed by little things your partner does. Well, this was where I was going It is my personal observation that, somewhere around the 1-3 month mark, romance hits reality. There's even a hormonal basis for this - at this point short term "excitement" chemicals like adrenalin and serotonin are dying down to be replaced by longer term ones. Your choice at this point is whether you work through the faults or not. Lucrezia's advice is always interesting and insightful, but on this occasion I'm gonna have to disagree with her.... because love is more than a short term mystical feeling of attraction. It's also a long term decision in your head based on who you think is right for you (sorry Lucrezia - in my limited time right now, I couldn't do justice to your views). I have been doing alot of reading on the internet today and I think I am addicted to that first rush, falling in love feeling in relationships. I want somebody perfect and have had a long string of short relationships which I ended because I noticed faults in the man once the mad attraction stage is over. I am going to try to find ways of working through this because I know otherwise I will end up lonely. I have many faults myself, I am far from perfect so I will just have to learn to tolerate faults I notice in my partner who is a great friend, boyfriend and lover. Thank you for your advice though even though when I read it I felt like crying!! Good for you to recognise this. I've been there too and you have to face up to it. I didn't want to end up lonely either. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 I want somebody perfect No such creature exists. Might as well long for a unicorn and a castle in the air. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme No such creature exists. Might as well long for a unicorn and a castle in the air. Yeah, but some of us romantic idiots have looked for the unicorn. Shockingly, I've never found one yet. Did see a flying pig once though... now *that* was a wild night Link to post Share on other sites
Author chubachoop Posted April 22, 2005 Author Share Posted April 22, 2005 I do want to work through this but Im finding it difficult. Ive known for a long time that my boyfriend is right for me I even had gut feelings that we'd marry, when i first met him. He has been a good friend to me for years and the things that I am getting irritated by I never minded when he was my friend. Hes really fussy about how things are done, really tidy, organised etc (these are actually good points I know but cause I am the opposite, untidy and quite chilled out about things and when he offers me advice i get irritated thinking he is trying to control what i do). Actually when I read over that I think its me thats got the bad points not him! I think the problem for me really is my difficulty in maintaining a relationship once the 'romance', infatuation stage wears off. You say you faced up to this problem reluctantromeo, any tips for me? I just get so depressed that I am even considering that he is even not right for me cause he is the most right for me person I know and I dont wanna be with anyone else. Its as though Im addicted to falling in love though and in finding this perfect individual who agrees with me in every way! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by chubachoop I do want to work through this but Im finding it difficult. Congratulations. It's a rough road but worthwhile. I hope. I'm still walking it. I think the problem for me really is my difficulty in maintaining a relationship once the 'romance', infatuation stage wears off. You say you faced up to this problem reluctantromeo, any tips for me? - Therapy - Honesty. Tell your bf you're feeling jittery, but this doesn't mean you're not keen on him - Read "he's scared, she's scared" on commitmentphobia - Take it slowly. Concentrate on fun, low pressure activities. Relax and take your time on any long term decisions, positive or negative - Listen to your feelings, but be aware that feelings and gut instinct can be wrong sometimes, just as thinking can. I'm gonna PM you. Link to post Share on other sites
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