EQ and learning to let things go

[d0nnivain]

I have a problem. I internalize things. I find them hard to let go.

 

Over the past several days I have had an emotional knock down drag fight with a "friend". We've known each other for 40 years.

 

Everyone who knows the specifics is telling me things along the lines of

 

Good riddance

 

with friends like that who needs enemies?

 

is she on drugs?

 

did she have a psychotic break?

 

She recently moved, changed jobs & got married. She has been using me as her emotional punching bag all year. We had a screaming fight at her 1st bachelorette party. Then she begged me to do her a professional favor under extremely difficult circumstances. I didn't want to do it but she literally cried that she couldn't afford to hire someone. When it fell apart due to somebody else's mistake she wrote me the most vile nasty e-mails so much so that I transferred her matter to a colleague who also agreed to do it for free as a favor to me. She fired him because "it wasn't fair to him to make him fix my incompetence". I didn't do anything wrong. At her wedding her groom & her entire family repeatedly apologized to me for how ghastly & rude her behavior toward me was.

 

Anyway the nasty e-mails are continuing today. I'm sitting here shaking & crying. I've already thrown up once & cannot concentrate to do my job. I've blocked her & our friendship is over.

 

I'm not going to get over this quickly or easily. I know that about myself. But I have been told that one of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence is the ability to let things go & recover from your mistakes / set backs in life. I have never been able to do that. I stew & fret & make myself sick.

 

Does anybody have an techniques to help me stop?

[Bigcitydreamer]

Adopt an "I don't give a F" attitude. Remind yourself that in the LONG run this isn't something you will be thinking about for the rest of your life. You eventually will get over it so it's best not to dwell on it and make it harder for yourself.

 

It's ok to step away from a situation that is causing too much stress and come back to it later.

 

In the grande scheme of things this rudeness of hers will not be the deciding factor for everything. Stop talking to her and if she comes around and apologizes all the better.

 

I also hyper focus on things and I am also really sensitive. If someone criticizes me in the morning it can potentially affect the rest of my day. So I've been researching how to stop being so sensitive and how to let stuff go and the above is what I learned. I find myself getting better at brushing things off.

 

So if I were you Id leave her alone and wait until she was ready to come around. Until then try not to fret too much about it and focus on other aspects of your life

[norajane]

When I'm obsessing, I try to set limits on it. For example, I tell my head that I will think about x from 5-6pm, but the rest of the time I will not. If I catch myself thinking about it, I remind myself it's not 5 o'clock yet. Then, at 5, I obsess over it, but stop at 6.

 

Keep doing that, but with shorter and shorter obsession times.

 

It takes discipline, and it doesn't always work, but it makes me feel like I have some control over the uncontrollable.

[Satu]

Its horrible that you've been put through this.

 

I only know you from this forum, but its clear to see that you are a caring and warm hearted person, with good intentions. Exceptionally so.

 

You'll just have to keep telling yourself that you didn't cause this.

 

Take very good care of yourself.

 

The passage of time will help to some extent.

 

Hopefully others will be able to advise you better than me.

 

Love,

 

Satu

[Satu]

When I'm obsessing, I try to set limits on it. For example, I tell my head that I will think about x from 5-6pm, but the rest of the time I will not. If I catch myself thinking about it, I remind myself it's not 5 o'clock yet. Then, at 5, I obsess over it, but stop at 6.

 

Keep doing that, but with shorter and shorter obsession times.

 

It takes discipline, and it doesn't always work, but it makes me feel like I have some control over the uncontrollable.

 

I've used the same method, and its worked well for me.

[SerCay]

Usually when I dwell on being mistreated by people it's because I cannot comprehense WHY they treated me that way.

 

Not sure if this will help you, but it helped me to let go of the "why". I don't have to know why people choose to mistreated friends, co-workers, etc. Anyone, for that matter.

 

Most of the time, mistreating has to do something with: jealousy, insecurity, envy, competition...> but every single time it has something to do with the other person. Not with the mistreated person.

 

Sometimes being highly sensitive or emphatic overrides EQ. You might have a high EQ, but you might still have to figure out how to deal with your empathic tendancies. Since you do realize that you internalize things, you do have the power to let it go.

 

So here's the technique that helps me every time: Realize the "why" of the matter has to do with the other person, then focus on building a stronger system of boundaries as to prevent being mistreated like this in the future. Face the fact that this happened because you allowed her to.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a little better today. DH was great. He let me babble, he let me rant, he let me cry, he just held me.

 

Gosh that man is amazing.

 

The reality is my life doesn't change all that much now that she has self selected out of it. Truth be told, this friendship died from her neglect years ago. I kept trying to keep it going out of a sense of nostalgia & loyalty to my parents, her God Parents, but it's been a losing battle.

 

There is no potential need in my life that I can't get filled elsewhere. She can't say the same because I was always the one whole she came running to when she was in a jam. No more.